industrialistDragon

Have you seen the anime Le Chevalier de Eon? I thought it did well for realistic fight scenes (well, until Lea comes out swinging, but that's half the fun. At least it's clear they're trying). Note also that I only ever had one semester's worth of a half-assed fencing class in undergrad, so.

You're forgetting the most important reason: they're cool as heck.

Overall, I feel like Quirk's getting his groove back. I like this section much better than the previous ones! "space elevator station ... was still the oddest thing" how did he get down planetside then? Maybe this is Jumping in teh Middle Syndrome striking again, but if he's unfamiliar with the main way off-planet, it sorta of raises questions as to exactly HOW he got here in the first place, and how much travel he's actually done... Just to be clear, by "jumper" you mean a garment you put on over your shirt for warmth, and not a specific kind of sleeveless halter dress typically worn over a blouse and associated with young girls and innocence, correct? Yay regional language differences! (here are a bunch of people arguing about it (and pullover, sweater, cardigan, and woolie, jersey and sweatshirt, with guest appearance by pinafore)) "The young man smiled" Which guy again? where did he come from? Also, isn't M somewhere in the 13 to 15-ish range? It feels a little weird to have an adult flirt with her. "The conversation with Moth became even more difficult " I'm starting to feel this way too. It's been a LOT of travel so far but it feels like very little forward motion "Once organised and acclimatised " this is a very long sentence... "“I know taking shots at me is entertaining, but we've got to get on some kind of " haven't we been though this before? This chapter feels like a retread of the previous one, but if you have to pick between the two, this one is better "Pandora," I like this, this is good! more like this, please. Still don't know what's going on with the interludes, and i'm not having much luck piecing it together, which is unusual for me. We're 13 chapters in at this point, and i'm not sure why this is even a part of this story, and not off on its own. It doesn't comment on the chapters before or after it, it hasn't yet tied in to the main story, it doesn't seem to have a narrative of its own besides "corporate experiments bad, pity the poor stuck schmuck" and, so far, I haven't found the poor stuck schmuck either relatable or very interesting. What is the purpose of the interludes? That bit with Q is really weird tacked on to the end of a callahan interlude. If you want to separate it, it might be better off as its own, short chapter. just as an aside, infidelity cases would fall under tort law unless there's a prenup, which may-or-may-not make it fall under contract. This is wayyy different from IP-law and insurance investigation. Marriage laws are HIGHLY state-specific and stupidly intricate. Insurance law is both stupidly intricate, highly contractual, AND highly state-specific. IP law is highly contractual, reliant on caselaw for interpretation, and really bizarre when it comes to international jurisdictional issues. It's really unusual for even county seat attorneys (county seat == general practitioner for doctors. does-a-bit-of-everything non-specialist) to have this wide a spread of specializations. He might be better off as a skip tracer/actual PI, since that gives him a similar skillset with a wider application, and then pick two of the three things listed in the text for him to freelance at. Though again, I thought most insurance investigators weren't freelance? The ones I know of have fairly rigorous training programs and are employed through the company... https://www.statefarm.com/careers/become-an-employee/career-areas/claims-investigation-careers "Quirk and Moth were both more than ready to disembark" me, too. this is a lot of travel. A lot. The end of the chapter falls kind of flat. I liked that I finally got a description of just what exactly quirk does, but combined with the previous 3 chapters... it's a heckuvva lotta travel that does very little for moving the plot.

Mostly RAEBNC from me again. I honestly couldn't tell that much difference from the previous version, one way or the other. just a few as-I-gos: "sparkled iridescent" sparkled iridescentLY. adverbs, yo. "Several were mobile" mobile as in moving around, ambulatory; or MOBILES, as in having dangly hanging bits that move freely in the air and stuff? "“Though here,” " through

Yay flash fiction! Flash is great! First story -- well, right from the outset, I feel like the whole first paragraph in the beginning is wasted. The story is the fight, and it doesn't even get going until the second paragraph. I am not really invested in this character. He has no name, I have no reasons for why he's doing what he's doing, if he wants to win or lose, just that his feet are in proper position, his mask impairs his vision, and he's sweaty. If you trimmed a bit of his physical positioning, you could add in some characterizing motivation, and I think it would change the whole dynamic of the piece for the better. To put it in writer's terms, there are no stakes. Fights, competitions, are very emotional, stressful things, even when you know what you're doing (as he obviously does, which is a great use of the adage "show don't tell" btw! ) The fight itself is very well described, but again, it feels clinical because i have no really info on the main character. Mentioning his opponent is a woman, both threw me off until I made the connection, and struck me as superfluous. Does it matter to this particular story -- right here, right now -- that there's a woman under all that padding? If it does, I want to know why! Fencing matches are inherently cool, and not something most people get to see, so i'll finish reading to the end, but adding more "why" to this piece would really make me invested in the outcome. "the woman" takes up the same amount of space as "his opponent," and this isn't long enough to really need the mental break calling a character by multiple things brings. third paragraph, the finish... I'm not sure where you wanted to end it. It felt like the touch and the point would be a great emotional end, but the repetition of the beginning line makes me think you were aiming for more of the meditative nature of repetition and focus in the sport maybe? In which case, (and this is something I harp on with @kais constantly) sell it harder! Emote for the cheap seats! We can't hear you in the back! Seriously, it feels like you're coming from a place of firsthand knowledge, and the thing to realize is that not everybody has the same ground-into-your-subconscious experiences. I mean, put like that it's easy, but figuring out where you're relying on other people to have been in an analogous situation in order to make the connections you think are blatant is tough! I have a sports background, but several of my friends do not. They wouldn't catch the repetition and see the attention text puts on positioning as the focus of the athlete (it was honestly a little difficult for me to catch, and i'm still just guessing. i could be super wrong) I think it's a good, action-oriented story, and with a bit of work would be really great! Second Story: Again in this one, I felt like there was a lot of extraneous info. Flash is so small, so constricted, that every word should point towards the end. There just isn't room for sidetrails or embroideries. This one almost has the opposite problem of the first: there, i wasn't invested because i didn't know anything about the main character; here, i feel my attention wandering because of all the extra details the text includes. Between the dialogue cues and the clue in the names, you don't need more the sell the "bully" stereotype. I LOVE the use of repetition, but some of the dialogue feels stilted. It's not a problem to use the same or similar lines for each here, because that's the point of the piece, but they should sound to the "mind's ear" like spoken conversation and not scripted dialogue. The bit about the middleschooler's friends feels wholly extraneous. We don't get any of the other bullys' friends. (and i'm noticing just now that we don't get anything about the middle kid's mother, whereas we do for the two bracketing him. Here I agree with @Robinski: if you're going to repeat, sell that repetition!) the last phrase of the penultimate sentence and the whole last line are definitely superfluous and should be removed. It undercuts the emotional impact of the entire piece and bobbles the landing. Overall, I disagree with Robinski here and like the first one better than the second. I feel like this one needs more work than the first and lacks focus. It definitely has the beginnings of a good story, but it's not quite there yet. I'd love to see an iteration or two of these, to see how they improve though!

woodcutter's heir woodcutter's apprentice woodcutter's legacy woodcutter's fate woodcutter's scion Escaping the wodcutter's daughter/fate/heir/apprentice/etc :3 Oh, birthright! Forgot birthright.

I actually don't have much of a problem with the quantity of swears; it's more ineffable than that. :/ In my headcanon Q is a creative compound expletive guy. I know a couple of guys like that, and vile, pungent, and coarse they might be, but they are also gut-laughingly funny and a joy to listen to when they go on a tear. And I'm all for the use of the strategic F-bomb, but for the trope to have any impact, it needs a strong background of something else to play against. I would love to provide examples of what I mean, but pretty much all of them violate the forum's language rule. XD and it's not just the swears. I was trying to get at that, but i can't because it's so... argh. Like, the NPCs in this section -- quirk doesn't even notice the xir-attendant's clothing, and only mention's B's pillbox hat. As someone who notices clothing, I am CONSTANTLY picking out things like fit, fiber type, drape, construction, hem finishes -- like, i could tell you the color and cut of a person's jeans (and whether or not the darn things are the right size for the person wearing them) from a brief look the same way somebody who's into hair and eyes could do the same for those attributes. Someone as brand- and prestige-conscious as Q should be able to tick off anything worth mentioning (fancy watch, designer cufflinks, status symbol charm bracelet, tech wizard earpiece) in the initial assessment. It's what he cares about so the descriptions we get from his POV should reflect that. I really liked that about him in the first parts I read, but these small things seem to be disappearing.

So that's why I haven't heard back from you. For me, it's about having the right tools. I've found that I have more trouble staring at a blinking cursor on a screen than I do staring at a blank piece of paper in a notebook.

I'm not getting much in the way of atmosphere here beyond "generic western European fantasyland." I feel like it's maybe supposed to make me feel ominous? But, it's not quite doing that for me. I am engaged with Ra. She is interesting and mysterious. "greyscale" - (gray scale) this is a newish (circa 1930s/1940s) word associated with film and television, and more recently with computing. It seems out of place in the fantasy story you've set up. D's name might be a bit on the nose for the power set. Fight scene POV switch. Up to that point, the section had been from D's perspective, and he'd been referring to her as "the woman." I don't think she ever introduced herself to him? Once the fighting starts, she's being referred to as Ra, and it's more from her perspective. I liked the fight scene, it was well-staged. The braid bit is a kind of over the top, though. "The first soldier slowly approached her from behind" the one that she just stabbed through the calf and into the ground? "I meet out justice" mete I don't see her as a villain, really. I am confused by the ending. Why was he bad? What was going on? Is Ra dead? Is Ru the same person and Ra was an alias? are they some kind of human person+otherworldly spirit duo? Is this an "absolute power corrupts absolutely" thing? Is magic forbidden?

I agree with everyone else, a lot of the dialogue was very As-You-Know-Bob. I think my biggest issue though, was the timeframe. I'm not entirely sold on the 8 years timeline, to be honest. For the amount of disconnect the two astronauts feel, it seems like it should be more. For context, eight years from this year was 2009. Smart phones were still around (if slower), people still chatted on the internet (with less FaceTime and Telegram, and more Skype and AIM, but still real time chatting), and cat macros were still a mainstay of the internet. Most of the established restaurants and companies in my hometown were still around back then, and definitely all the major landmarks and traffic arteries still existed. Today we have more new subdivisions and residential streets, more new businesses in what were once empty fields. One major company left, but its buildings are still around. I will say though, like king, that I found the scars section to be a bit unbelievable. That said, I did enjoy the story. I like how it ended. I found it a bit upbeat, even.

the interlude on pg1 still isn't making much sense to me story-wise, but that's Jumping in the Middle Syndrome, for you. I will say I found it a bit repetitive, even accounting for the stylistic choices. pg 2 is... a bit awkward. Like, on a grammar and sentence structure level. It's nothing to look at while drafting, but it 's definitely something to note for line-level edits "guardian after all, not a pack horse" Seems like this would be an argument for S-robot to be carrying his bags as well as hers, not for hoofing it with his own stuff. "handling any of the luggage" what's the difference between luggage and baggage? and didn't he just pay for an automated cart to take care of the lot of it? (not counting him stating above that he wasn't a packhorse and only carried his own) "Quicker than, everyone, else" I think ellipses are usually used here rather than commas, to indicate pauses in speech? "Move over, Professor" tense jump? narrator jump? fragment from a prev version? the description in this paragraph only is suddenly acting like we don't know Q and M. much as i'm loathe to say it, the neopronoun does stick out a bit in this section. you might go with the more common "they" to indicate that Q's not making assumptions, or if you want to keep "xie" somehow indicate in the text that Q knows that's how this person wants to be called. It's a bit of a prosaic ending for the first chapter in this section, it doesn't really grab me and make me want to keep going. I liked in this chapter the way Q kept trying to watch for any other shenanigans and failing because it's a busy terminal, though he still feels a bit... off. "“You were right, Quirk,” - now this is a nice intriguing intro As a person in the good ol' US of A, any mention of the UN as a governing body worth taking seriously startles a chuckle out of me (this is a bad 'Murica! stereotype, and doesn't reflect well on me I know, but it's worth being aware of ). That said, and trying to correct for it, I still feel like having a world govnerning body make resolutiohns on pronouns seems a little... micromanagerial? harsh? is it really necessary to have it lampshaded in text that way? I'm... not sure. a sexy stewardess? how very vaguely-fetish 1960s. "T-shift" T-shirt? Um. I'm having trouble figuring out how to say this, but I'm not enjoying Quirk as much in these chapters. By the end of this segment, I find myself identifying much more with the android in their group (not the one in the interludes. him i still can't grok), than either Q or M. SOmething is missing? lost? from the Q i read even just 3 chapters ago. I don't know... it's... *makes vague hand gestures* Argh. je ne sais quois. It's both descriptive of this feeling and indicative of the knowlege that Ch6 Q would use that word and Ch10 Q would not. Sorry.

Jumping in the middle here means I don't have a lot to say yet, unfortunately. L struck me as an average protagonist. She wasn't boring enough to completely lose my interest, but she didn't engage me much, either. S seems like a reserved person, which is cool, but it means that the little screen time they had wasn't enough for me to get a real sense of them. I'm more interested in them than L right now, at least. Though well written, I found the ritual very long. I lack a lot of context coming in at ch12, so ymmv, but I ended up skimming most of the middle of it, and parts of the reaction scenes with the gods. Also, the two I-names, the lover and the betrothed (?), I kept getting mixed up and having to page back to the beginning to remember which one was which. Not starting at chapter 12 would probably help this but the names ARE awfully similar in shape...

@Robinski I think this would work better as a regularly written piece. For one thing, you have far too many stage directions in the dialogue lines for it to read convincingly as a play/screenplay (for a snippet that size, one, MAYBE two short directions, max), and for another, as Eagle mentioned, that format can be very off-putting. A third thing would be, if you were planning on using it with the rest of your story, the fact that (from what i've seen at least) no other part of your story is in this format. But as an exercise, I like it! It's snappy, and gets to the heart of the characters. Also, if you're looking for a good book that incorporates some of the screenplay format, Walter Dean Meyers' "Monster" is one where I didn't mind the screenplay parts too much.

I've been trying to think of how to respond to this, but I'm not sure I can without rewriting your story for you. What I mean when I say "condense" (instead of "cut" or "trim" for example) is that I can see what you're going for (a cool fight scene and magic breakthrough with some tense chase/hunting moments), but that the words on the page aren't drawing me in so that I feel the emotions you're trying to evoke. I feel that things are drawn out, even if they aren't in the text, because I don't have a solid connection with the story or characters. Kaisa summed it up well in her post, better than I did. It could be changes as little as going from "something like the sound of rusty metal" to the more direct "the sound of rusty metal," or "please won't someone aid me I need help!" to just straight up "help!" Or, it could be something bigger like changing around how the fight progresses, or moving dialogue to another chapter or reworking the entire first act. I'm sorry, if I could be more specific I absolutely would. A good exercise if you're looking at a piece to trim and just can't find any fat to remove is to try to rewrite the scene as flash fiction -- that is, give yourself an extreme word limit. Flash is usually under 1000 words, absolute max. 200-500 is pretty average, I think. I love flash fiction. It's totally possible to create great stories and fight scenes in that space! They're tiny little nuggets of awesome. Flash fiction makes you consider every word, how every phrase is put together, because there's simply no room to sprawl, even a little bit. Also, just because I was curious, I went and counted up EVERYONE'S "some-whatsit" usage from the submissions this week. @kaisa had 20 occurrences, about evenly split between some-whatsits and some [word], across 18 pages of text. These were largely in the same vein as yours. She gets a bye, though, because hers is a draft zero (for now... ) @Ernei had about 24 occurrences (16 some-whatsit, 8 some [word]), across 12 pages of text. The bulk of these were "someone" and "somehow," and clustered around the protagonist musing on events and people she didn't know. That's not *great*, and a few could probably stand to be reworded, but they didn't jump out to me in the same way as the ones here, partially because I'm really invested in that story. @Mandamon wins the some-whatsit count, with a mere 5 some-whatsits and 5 some [word] phrases (for a total of 10) across 9 pages of text. 3 of the some [word] phrases were in a purposefully-repeated phrase near the end, likely for the effect. I did not notice these at all. @rdpulfer had a total of 13 (9 some-whatsits, 4 some [word]), across 13 pages of text. These seemed to be mostly in dialogue or in dialogue-like thought processes. The some-whatsit words are filler, and like the air put into bags of potato chips, they pad out the story without providing much in the way of calories (or information). A few aren't bad, and are occasionally necessary (if you didn't have that air in the chip bag, you'd only ever have chip crumbs by the time the bags are shipped and arrive at the store), but too many and you start to get annoyed (like those bags that're only, like, 1/4 chips. I hate those!). I included the some [word] phrases not because they're "bad," but because they contribute to my noticing the overuse of the word more. They're more nutritious than some-whatsits, but we're still talking chips here, and not, like, carrots or spinach or whatever. (Yes, it's lunchtime. And I'm a nerd. )

PG1 (minor) "worried that some hidden cougar" "ssaid to descend the rope if something went wrong" "The cooing of something nearby" PG2 "Then something thudded in the brush" "and when he did, something shrieked in the woods" "Something pushed through the brush" (pg 2/3 in my version) PG3 "Get down and hide her somewhere safe,” someone whispered" (double!) PG4 "Someone scuffed their boot nearby" PG5 "She whispered something" "footfall of someone approaching" "Then something else moved " "and someone called out" "realization snapped something inside " "something pushed through the brush" PG6 is free of them, but that's ONE page out of 6 so far. (and 5 more than makes up for it) PG7 "Something thudded into the ground" PG8 "gripped something dry" "something bit into the top " "Something had woken him" PG9 "something soft and spongy" "something sharp poking into his thigh" "someone shrieked into the night" "something clicked in Petro's head" PG10 "something like clanging metal" "something in eyes popped" "dark to some so faint" (it's not a some-whatsit, but by this point, I've become so sensitized to the word, that even minor ones like this stick out) PGs 11 & 12 are clear PG13 "heard someone cry out"

"His uncle's words, " the very first paragraph, sorry. I feel like I'm missing the back end of this sentence. His uncle's words what? There are an awful lot of somethings and somehows and some-whatsits in here. Having a few aren't bad, but they're inexact, add up quickly and can usually be replaced with much more expressive or informative words or phrases while still keeping the nonspecific nature. Heck, even "some creature" or "some [noun]" is better than plain old somethings. I am slightly worried about the tropishness of your Princess Peach girl. She feels like a MacGuffin getting rescued, and handed off, and recaptured, and rerescued, and hanging on our hero's leg -- and it's not a particularly good look on anyone involved. This part moved along at a better pace than the previous one you submitted, but, again, I think it could benefit from being condensed and streamlined a bit more. P is also reading older to me again. Are you sure he wouldn't be better off at 14? That might more accommodate his seriousness and maturity while still letting him have kidlike hero worship.

I don't have a whole lot of specific things to say, just generalities. I found the beginning very difficult to get into. about 4 pages in and I started to get more invested and once I figured out what was going on, it carried me to the end, but it was a rough start. C & R's sections I found to be confusing just as a baseline. Something I can't quite point to and say "this is what is difficult," just more of a generalized "Huh?" when reading their bits. The police and the girl both were fine. I like the police officer! I also feel like this could maybe use a bit of tightening up or evening out? There were places where everything snapped and was really rolling along, and then there were parts where the characters or narration got a bit too rambly. overall though, I enjoyed it!

catching some lbl-level little things near the beginning, but nothing big. "they would come right back when the councilor’s work dissipated." They've been doing that the entire chapter. the main thing I noticed was a bit of inconsistency with the rate of decay in S's magical meds. They're there, then they start to deteriorate almost immediately, then they're practically gone, then they're back but maybe starting to go, then they're nearly gone again, then by the end they're definitely back but failing probably, with the implication that they're going to last for a while yet. It feels a little bit like maybe where old and new versions are meeting? otherwise, still looking good to me. The protest kept it from being a slow chapter for me, and I don't mind an entertaining infodump.

A couple more articles and studies to think about: Fiyah Magazine's poll of African American sf writers -- No, it's not scientific, but it does add some personal context to all the numbers you can find elsewhere. Of note are the authors that report their rejections say their stories are "unrealistic" or "not really black" when in fact they are based on real events or actual experiences the author has had. CNN's report on a new study that shows people believe black men are larger, stronger, and more dangerous than white men, even when they're the same size. Also mentioned is a study that shows people believe black boys are less innocent than white boys of the same age. The stereotypes we perpetuate in our writing, even unconsciously, can have real world impacts.

fair enough! That's minor honestly (And probably something Tony's done at some point in NCIS) I've been tossing this around in my head, trying to take apart why I had such a strong reaction to this chapter. Thing 1 is, as Kaisa pointed out, L's lack of reactions, positive or negative and lack of consent. If she's into what C's doing, she should be providing him some kind of reinforcing feedback -- flirting, banter, smiles, playful smack to an arm or other "safe" area etc. (note: blushes, nervous laughter, hiding the eyes, and stammering alone don't count because those can also be negative feedback) in addition to her internal dialogue for the readers. C should be reacting to those reinforcing gestures or words, be they positive or negative. Think of Tony's interactions with Ziva and Kate -- he will tease, even deliberately aggravate them, but he doesn't ignore them and can usually tell when they're being serious and reacts accordingly. Thing 2 is that marketplace scene. It's the one thing that's just beyond the pale. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it's meant to showcase C's physical prowess and be very flirty/romantic/gallant, yes? If so, there are a number of ways to rejigger it accomplish its goals without sending up everyone's warning flags. As examples: he could ASK her prior to scooping her up. As kaisa said, consent is IMPORTANT. If he ignores her refusal (and i don't know how many adults would agree to being carried when uninjured), she needs to react angrily, EVEN IF she is also reacting internally to being close to him (being angry and turned on and being angry because you're turned on are completely valid emotions to have in this scenario!). Also, he shouldn't carry her under his arm/over his shoulder. it's both unromantic and demeaning. Far more romantic to be carried in his arms next to his chest, or (more silly) piggyback. He could take her hand/arm. More romantic would be by hand or with some overly-courtly flourishes such as bowing or offering his elbow as if at a ball or dance. Again, if she says no, and he ignores her, she needs to react accordingly. He could let her follow him. "Put your hands around my belt" is both super flirty, and a decent way to hang on to another person while that other person is using their arms. Bonus, she gets an unobstructed view of his backside and of him using his physical strength to clear the way He could shout "Make way! Make way!" before shoving people aside to clear her a path (with no touching) like she was an empress and embarrass the snot out of her. He could use some crazy alternate route only a townie would know. Allows for more banter/dialogue, showing how C interacts with other people, and has opportunities for tight spaces and enforced close-quarters (brushing up against shoulders/arms, handing her over a puddle/assisting her over a wall, watching him climb a ladder/stairs, etc.)

mini stress squeezies... those goofy not-quite-tyvek cheapie shopping bags... I once got a deck of cards and a drawstring backpack as part of a swag bag... I think one place gave away paper pinwheels and hand sanitizer (stamped with logos and whatnot of course)? ... Honestly, ARCs, ashcans, business cards, postcards and miniposters are most of what I recall seeing at book-related places. Can you, like, make some like 1/4-inch round bits of wood and like stamp your name and publisher info on them? or something scrap-wood-related that would be cheap and easy to personalize?

Postcards, business cards and bookmarks are common for things like this. If you have some killer art and a large marketing budget, mini posters. Hm.. personalized pencils and pens, post-its, erasers, lanyards.... I'm trying to think of what I've gotten in swag bags at various cons. The collections agency cons were big on alcohol from plastic glasses etched with their logos... uhm. ARCs.

Thoughts as I go... First page is interesting, but... a little slow. I'm keeping going more to see if it goes anywhere than because I'm invested in L's antsy-ness. I feel like I SHOULD be caught up in it, but somehow that the narrative is.. patronizing? her. Like tired adults do with kids who get excited about things the adults consider mundane. Nah, L. that customs clerk was a jerk tired or not. On pg3 by the time C shows up I no longer feel like I'm paused waiting to get into the story, but that's mostly because I want to punch C in his smarmy smiling face. Also, wow, I'd pegged L as some kind of young adult or even child based on the first 2 pages, not police detective! Ugh, C. Sleazy, unctuous, creeperriffic. Lordy, L. so insecure! Oily McNarcissism-Man's opinions ain't worth the time it takes to listen to them! Woman up girlfriend! (Seriously, though, is she so new a quaestor that she's really uncertain/needy enough to take what this mook says so seriously?) okay, yeah, agree. if she's being blown over by hormones "nice" is a bland understatement. Odious-personality-man only starts being decent when he's talking about getting in to uni, and even then, he's got a large deficit to make up for already before I would actually enjoy reading about him. ...And, nope. Interesting uni story does NOT make up for bodily manhandling another human person like a sack of grain. sleazy swinish boor. How is she not incensed by that treatment? That's how you treat recalcitrant children or pets, not superior officers. Hormones or no, that's an attack on her authority and perceived power. As a (presumably) tiny woman who's new and insecure in her position, how in all the world can she let that stand? How many people saw her dragged around by this chauvinistic meathead? She's going to be a citywide laughingstock before she's even seen her new office. geez, and he just admitted to using his rank to get him perks from the citizenry? wow. Are there handcuffs in this world? Grinny McDunderhead should be wearing them. ...And, i'm completely thrown out of the story at this point. L just accepting that getting hauled around bodily by smiling chunks of arrogant manmeat is just... i'm too angry. I don't care that's he's smiling more and making her all aflutter. I don't care that he has nifty fix-and-break magic (and it does sound interesting, but I just can't even right now). He clearly doesn't even think she's as human as he is, between the oozing come-ons, the practiced 80-watt smile (oh and you know he practices it. probably puts fantasyland-petroleum jelly on his teeth so he smiles better), the assumption that she (probably all women) thinks he's hot, and then the your-no-means-yes "i like a challenge" line. And L just accepts it! eats it up! L, honey. I like you, but you're in serious danger here. You're supposed to be a detective, find a clue! If your intent is for C to be a likable character, for me at least, he has a long way to go. sorry, man. fwiw, I've been rewatching a lot of NCIS recently, and C reminds me a bit of Tony in that. You might sit through a couple eps and see how they manage to soften his slimeball tendencies (mind you, IMO, I don't feel like they succeed all that much, but he's a popular character a lot of people like so they're doing SOMEthing right. Also, I'd take Tony DiNozzo over C any day of the week at the moment)

"neither accurate nor funny" -- I actually don't have a problem with this line, because it comes off as really offhand to me. I feel like somebody as sure of himself as quirk is wouldn't care what a 14-year-old says about him overmuch. At least, not out loud where she can hear it. The jump from the text of the letter back to description of the scenery without any sort of acknowledgement of the text of the letter felt very jarring to me. There should have been something. Maybe a "that looked promsing, but he'd deal with it later" or something. I dunno. Re: the patdown -- seems odd to me that he'd make a point of noting grabbing the guy's crotch and zinging him about it without provocation. Q's clearly done patdowns before and the !plumber didn't seem like a specimen Q was really all that interested in. It feels... a bit out of place. I wonder if its necessary? Q could zing !plumber on his overalls ('cause nobody looks good in overalls) or something else, seems like, without resorting to being crass in a convent. The end letter is a nice lead out to the next chapter, but it's an abrupt shift from slinging snark and sarcasm with moth. I feel like i'm missing a segue here and elsewhere with the other letter. Quirk does seem off his game in this one. Granted, he has just been thrown for a loop, but I feel like that would bring out his snark all the more, not leave him groping around for petty insults like he is through much of this.

I can't speak to changes from version to version, but here's what I have, meager though it is Thoughts as i go.... Origon's kind of a jerk, lol. But he's definitely a jerk of a kind I've seen before. He comes off to me as a bit of a caricature, but not an unbearable one. the way he softens up once he finally cottons on to the fact that Sam Ain't From Around These Parts helps humanize him. Rilan seems too level-headed to get taken up by groundless fears and speculation, I'm glad Ori shamed her down from it Unfortunately, (or fortunately?) for most of what I've read of yours the main comment i have is just RAEBNC -- Read And Enjoyed But No Comment. Is RAENBNC a thing here? I was in zines way back in the day and it was a common way of saying "I enjoy what you're doing and you should continue to do more, but I don't feel like I have anything constructive to add to the conversation about it right now" :/