Hobbit

Whaaaat? I did not know about this! Which one(s)? And let's not forget all the lizards that are basically female-only. And aphids, who can do both sexual and asexual reproduction. And ferns. I don't understand ferns. I'm sure a small part of the problem is that most people don't learn about these alternate kinds of reproduction in school. But I agree that the larger issue is that we default to what we're most comfortable/familiar with.

Just my two cents: in my mind, "distilled bone oil" only ups the creepy factor. Which I think in this case is a plus.

Well that was quite the chapter. It read very quickly. I was totally engaged, but I will say if the entire story is at that pace and that level of "darkness," it would be too much for me personally. Still, it was engrossing, and it certainly set up your conflict well. I also enjoyed your plant and fungus knowledge - it makes your MC's expertise very believable. You definitely succeeded in creating plenty of stakes. (One of these times, I am going to type "steaks" and not catch it.) The hook at the beginning didn't work as well for me (see below), and the hook at the end felt a little forced, but in concept I think it works well. Character is great. There were some blocking issues in the fight where I didn't know how people got where they ended up, or couldn't picture their motions, but tension-wise it flowed fast enough that I didn't even take the time to stop and highlight where I was getting confused. So good job! Specifics: I definitely thought the "hand" in the first line was actually the size of a child, as in giant. I enter into fantasy stories making zero assumptions, so I took you literally. That made the rest of the intro rather confusing, since I was like, "What happened to the giant hand?" I had similar instances of taking you too literally - when you said, "with fingers woven into the sides" did you mean disembodied fingers, or the MC's fingers? - which overall contributed to me not being able to picture what was happening in the first 1.5 pages. (I realize now you were probably trying to avoid a pronoun on purpose, but I was totally picturing a basket with shriveled fingers woven into it.) Once I hit the MC's motives (getting to the fair and getting an apprenticeship), I was tracking. He’d tried to catch it with his hands, a hint too late, and left streaks of blood mixed with the mist on his face. I didn't get what was happening here. I'm also very interested in the MC's relationship with Mom. If the mom sold her other children, what's different about the MC? And at 27, he/she (pronoun, grr) seems to still be in some ways under Mom's thumb, which is interesting. Their relationship doesn't come across as "love," but there's definitely attachment, and interdependence. Hmmm. Your fungus gel powder is very creepy and shocking. Did you know that? I was covering my mouth during that part. I think my eyes were bleeding, but not from what you thought. But I was a little disbelieving that the MC would have gotten none of the fungus powder on her/him. Anyway, I thought it was mostly horrifying in a good way. As long as that doesn't happen too often, which it sounds like it won't. Finally, after reading others' comments about the sterility of the prose and the details, I suppose... maybe this is just the scientist side of me talking, but I thought it was 100% appropriate and made total sense. I thought it leant believability to the MC's activities. Hahaha this made me laugh.

It looks like I wasn't the only one to find the chapter a bit bloated for your purposes. I think there's good bones - there's murder, paper rats, the promise of a character conflict, etc. but it's getting muddled in your prose. It just needs a tightening up. I feel like you spend longer than you have to on each of Pro’s thoughts - his bad leg, his patronage of the barber, his worry about the unsolvable case. We get the idea after your first description, and after that, you only need a brief mention to remind us that he’s still thinking about these things. @neongrey pointed out a few places where you use more words than you need to for a concept; I think looking for and fixing these will also help a lot. And as someone mentioned above, don't be afraid to leave some of this information for later. Specifics: The notebook came out of his sash and onto the desk and Probitus commenced the laborious task of deciphering the young lictor’s atrocious handwriting and transcribing his notes to be included in the official case file. This is quite a long string of "and"s. How did I ever think that smile made him likeable? His boss's behavior does seem rather at odds with how friendly their conversation started out. I got the impression that his boss wouldn't be so quick to pull rank on him. He looked back to where the other person was still dashing upslope, only getting a glimpse of thinning hair on a thin man. Were those Dhé chasing him? I'm not sure I understand what's happening here. If he allowed his curious nature to guide him in this, it would eat away at him, dragging him to gloomy depths. He’d start dwelling on his failures again, withdraw from the world. This was an abrupt transition from curiosity nagging him to full-on depression. Is he being a bit sarcastic with himself? End of Page 6: I like the sound of this barber dude, but at this point we've been inside Pro's head for a long time - basically two pages - so I'm getting fatigued. “We’ve known each other for nearly a decade now, Crinus. Must I tell you to call me Probitus every time I come in here?” Sounds maid-and-butler this way. I think you could find a way to say the same thing a bit more naturally. The Dhé caught up to him and some of them actually climbed up his skinny legs. Oh, he could see these before? Since you didn't mention them I assumed they were invisible. whose trousers had dropped to his ankles. Is this what the paper rats do? Humiliation? Or are they also biting him or something? I think you explained this in your prologue, but it's been long enough that a quick reminder would be appreciated. I'm interested to see what Pro's plans are for this poor guy being chased by the rats, and I'm looking forward to the introduction of an apprentice. And I'm always up for a good mystery. Tighten things up and I think the chapter will have more forward momentum. P.S. Fun fact about Romans: they had a verb (togo, togare) that literally translates: "to toga." It means to put on a toga, but they just said, "After I went to the baths I toga'd." Not sure if that's relevant to your world building, but I thought I'd share.

Ooo, I'm excited for the next chapter! I'll definitely let you know what I think!

This chapter generally held my interest, though I thought it was a little rough. It's just really hard to do council meetings well when we don't know the council members yet. I got the impression that the council members are going to be important as the story goes on, but in your effort to make them distinct and easy to remember, I think they started to feel a little flat. Plus, there's enough of them being introduced at once that it's going to be hard to remember no matter what. It seems like an important scene, but the tension got muddled in the details for me. I agree, and I think more of a difference in the narrative voice between Ori and Sam would really punch up the story. It's not just the word choice, but it's also their viewpoint. You have some differences between them, but it would be more awesome if there were even more differences, since they're clearly coming from such different backgrounds and contexts. Right now, based on what we've read so far, the biggest thing that has grabbed my interest is: Oh no, Earth is plummeting towards absolute zero and everyone there is dying! Part of why each chapter is not grabbing me is that I want Ori to help Sam go back and save Earth. I think the new world is cool, but it's overshadowed by knowing that back on Earth everything is horrible, so I can't fully enjoy all the pretty buildings and huge cliffs that emit light. It's also confusing to me that Sam isn't sharing in my panic about Earth. So far he's been able to get very little information out of Ori about what is actually happening there, understandably because Ori doesn't know, but I expect at least a "What happens in a Drain event?" or some conversation about Earth's prospects. Sam is clearly moving on, but what's motivating that? Is he resigned that he doesn't want to be abandoned in a new place, so he might as well work with these people? Is he hoping to learn magic to save Earth? Is he so enamored with this new world that he's like, "Screw Earth, this place is way better and I never want to go back!" What is Sam's goal right now? TL;DR: I'm so distracted by being worried about Earth that I can't fully invest in your new world! I think Ori's character came across much more strongly in this chapter than previously. I saw someone mention before that Ori really likes teaching, which I hadn't gotten a strong impression of until this chapter. Despite my comments above about the council meeting feeling muddled, it did successfully clarify Ori's position with the council, as well as showed his (adorably) protective instincts over Sam. I'm pretty annoyed at the council for not believing Ori about the drains, and annoyed at Ori for not at least considering the Ari might be a threat, but hey, it's not like it's so unbelievable - look what's happening in our country right now! Aaaah and I'm moving on. A few line by line comments: a wide space was filled with bushes and trees. I think this is the first mention of plants, yes? Were there not parks or gardens in the other part of the city? Just trying to pick out significant details. Once past the doors, he could see the Council—made of the head of each house of the maji—was arguing over a pile of paperwork, I'm not really picturing this yet. Are they around a table? In tiered seating? though Rilan was seated, I thought she was walking. When did she sit? behind where they sat at a curved table. Oops. Here it is. Maybe we could have this detail earlier. I had a hard time setting the scene without it. Rilan has already informed us you are here about your voids again. Wait, when did she have time to do this? Origon let his irritation show in his crest. Surely if he had been hungry he would have asked? I thought you said earlier that Sam was hungry. ("He was hungry for his noonday meal.") Did you mean Ori was hungry? Phew, that was long, but hopefully it's helpful!

Hello! As usual, I enjoyed the chapter. It was sort of calm, though. It was low on tension, but with plenty of funny moments for me to enjoy. I love how Moth is constantly deciding people are f-ers. I had a similar issue. I was pretty sure Grimes wasn't Quirk, but not 100% sure. Quick story - on a trip to London with my in-laws, I was walking around in a greenhouse, wearing a recently purchased yellow dress. A mother and her young daughter were looking for banana trees, and the mother turned around, spotted me, and declared in a wonderful British accent, "Well, don't you look like a banana!" So now I have a banana dress. This was also a difficulty for me. At first, I thought he was a specific target. Then I thought, Oh, she's just using him to look like she has a legit reason to be here. Then at the top of p. 7 I realized, Wait, no, he was a specific target after all. Other comments: but now she had this crap with the state-issue robot to worry about. Where is the robot right now? Why isn't it following her? “Your luggage is stowed incorrectly,” said the cab in a non-judgemental, voice This made me chuckle. rewarding Grimes’ Italian with a squirt of pine fresh fragrance. Haha. Great turn of phrase. The laser pest control system saw to that. O.o Moth’s black apparel and lesser stature among all these adults made her almost invisible, I don't believe this, unless there are lots and lots of nuns in this particular place. Even in places where nuns are common, habits stand out. I assume she's wearing her habit? Maybe not, but if she is, she's going to be noticed. “You don’t start until tomorrow,” she protested Ah. I would have liked to know this earlier. Or maybe you mentioned it in the previous chapter. WRS? I enjoyed the world building in this chapter, but I see you already have plans to re-write this with more tension. I support that!

Thanks for reading M.Puddles! This is a common bit of feedback. I like the idea of how to show her concern more - I was having trouble finding more ways to express that feeling. This is also a common thread, so I'll definitely be working on this. Excellent! I suppose after staring at it for so long, it's easy to become jaded. I'm glad it felt more succinct this time. Thanks again! Your feedback is definitely helpful.

I also think this is definitely an improvement. The narrative flows better, and everything seems more natural. There are a few places where it still feels a little forced, but it's a step in the right direction for sure! I appreciate that we have a motive for Nis in this chapter - she's excited about taking her siblings' power. I agree that Lil could use clearer motivation. I realized that I made up a motive for her - that she's going along to protect Steph, and maybe because she can't stand being without her only ally in a house full of callous human-haters. Whatever her real motives, I'd definitely like to see more of them. My impression of Steph is that he's idealistic, that he naturally cares about others, and that he wants things to be fair, but he's also innocent, sheltered, and a little bit simple. Things are pretty black and white for him right now, and I'm hoping to see him grow to be a bit more nuanced as the book goes along. He's sympathetic with room to grow. Not sure if that's your plan, but I wanted to give you my current impression. I'm not trying to start another extended breasts discussion, I swear! But I'll just add that after thinking about your previous submission and all the comments, I realized the real reason why that line bothers me: It seems like you're (unintentionally) using Nis's sexuality to identify her as evil. We're not supposed to like her, and the first time we see her, the narrative immediately points out her sexual body parts, therefore further "confirming" her evilness. This "sexiness = evil" is something that's done in movies, TV, etc. It feels out of place largely because I don't expect that you meant it to come across that way (I don't think this is "that" kind of story), so it reads awkwardly. But of course, do what you want with your own book: if you're committed to normalizing our use of the word "breasts," go for it, man. I'm just giving you my reader reaction. And now, the in-line suggestions: "Your thoughts are impossible to read." This feels awkward - a little on the nose, maybe? It's also odd, considering that she and her brother can sense each other. I expect she'd have something deeper to say here, maybe? He had thoughts of back-handing her... This comes across as a little too violent, even knowing how much he hates her. For some reason "He wanted to backhand her" sounds a little less premeditated than "He had thoughts of backhanding her." But I'm just nitpicking. He tried to focus on the moss covered stones of the buildings he passed. This paragraph is all "He _verbed_..." sentences. Switch it up for better flow. Did the man ever dream of a different life? This sequence makes Steph sound sounds very pretentious and a little simplistic - if it's supposed to, then it's great. ...considering whether or not to thump him on the head. Not sure I understand why he wants to do this. The ending was such a surprise! Whoa! Finally, here's a few grammar catches. It's really getting better every time. "This goes here." He picked up the pendant and turned it over, pressing the token into the back - it fit snugly into a slot. "Here, look in the mirror." Landin turned Stephain by the shoulder, directing him at a tall mirror right behind him. Oh $**!. He quickly pulled the token out of the pendant. Idiot. If Stephain didn't like him so much he would wring his neck. "There's a bigger mirror right behind ya," Landin pointed out. Stephain couldn't help smiling just a little bit. She never changes. Here's a tip (maybe you've heard it before, because you're getting it right most of the time now): Use a period if the sentences on both sides, both the dialogue and the descriptor, are complete sentences. If one side feels odd by itself, use a comma. "There's a bigger mirror right behind ya." Landon gestured at the mirror. versus "There's a bigger mirror right behind ya," Landon pointed out. Technically, Landon pointed out or Landon said does have a subject and a verb, but it leaves me asking, "Pointed out what?" and "Said what?" so it feels incomplete. If it feels incomplete, use a comma.

-Does the worldbuilding work, is it too descriptive? I actually would have liked more description! But more in the sense of little details as they're talking. I'm feeling a little bit of the floating head syndrome during the conversation, even though you have nice descriptions later in the chapter. I think the world sounds interesting. I liked the bit at the beginning about how there's a glass floor under all the dirt. It does make me wonder what all these buildings are made of - are they all glass? What kind of resources do they have here? I also realized at the end of the chapter that I never figured out what species Ri is. I assume human, but that's because I'm human. -Connection to the characters I had a lot more of a connection to the characters in the first part than the second. I feel a lot of sympathy for Sam, and not a lot for Ori, because he's kind of being a jerk. That said, I do find Ori interesting and I'm prepared to like him more when he's not so stressed. I enjoyed the conflict between the three of them at the beginning. -How is the arc of the chapter? I would have liked more tension. I was invested before Ri gave Sam the telepathic meds, because they were all trying to solve problems. However, the walk through the city lacked stakes. I think I'd like to know what might happen to Sam if he loses his composure. Is he afraid of embarrassing himself? That the only people he knows in this place will just leave him for lost on the street? What's driving him to even try to keep going? I lost the sense of his goals. -Anything else you see In-line suggestions! It was hard to guess at Methiemum expressions... Later in the chapter, don't you say the Nether translates intent? The boy—Sam—let his shoulders fall a little, opening up a little. Not sure I understand Sam's reaction here. Why would he be opening up after they both are clearly not believing or understanding him? “The same thing happened to you?” Not sure why Sam is saying this now, rather than a few paragraphs up. She hadn’t heard of that word either, so it wasn’t something the Nether translated incorrectly. I just realized what the Nether is doing - translating. Control it rather than let it control you. I could believe his Aunt Martha would say this, but a psychologist, in my very limited experience, wouldn't put this in such stark "you versus it" terms. My therapist was always trying to get me to not talk in extremes. And I can't imagine her ever telling me to try to "control" something. I've only ever had one therapist, though. Sam answered, then seemed to relent. I'm still surprised he lets these people help him so easily. I assume most people who want to stay inside, and who are afraid of crowds, would generally not be very open to strangers poking around in their heads. It would seem that Sam generally wants to protect himself, and if he's already in fight or flight mode, this could be exacerbated. But it could be I'm misinterpreting his character. the freshest maggots Haha, nice. Sam slowed, as something intruded into his fuzzy perception. Are you talking about a thought here?

Oooooh. Hm. Well that will save me a lot of time. I made it to level 60 and was like, This post has been reported for attempting to skirt the rules? Where's the bottom?? So much for that winter... ETA: Whoa, oops! I used abbreviated swear words and the forum reported me!!! Sorry!!!!

!!! Have you made it to the bottom of the second mine???

This chapter was fun. I have to say, I'm definitely more interested in watching Moth try to shrug her new Android therapist than I am in whether or not she'll be successful at the Toni's task. I think I would be more invested in the situation with the mob and her aunt if I had just a little bit more background. Since I don't know a lot about it right now, it ends up feeling a little generic. Mob boss threatening people, killing people, manipulating people, etc. I also wish I knew a little more about why Giulia lets Moth take over her task without much arguing. It seems strange that a grown woman would let a 14-year-old take over something so important, especially one who (so far) has shown a complete lack of responsibility or care for the welfare of anyone else. One small point - if these androids are so expensive, how come this convent has one to spare on some random orphan? And what if Moth tries to physically destroy it? Otherwise it was a fun read! Moth is very engaging and I'm excited to follow her wherever she goes. Also, great last line.

Well, don't worry, it's still around. It may even come back to the forum. I just got to a point with it where I was like, "What am I even doing?!?!?" because the plot bloated and then fizzled. That point was at about 200,000 words in... so I'm hoping to amass some more skills before trying to untangle a knot the size of my kitchen.

Thanks @Robinski! I definitely appreciate the feedback, and the ideas! Hahahaha love it. I'm hearing everyone that there needs to be more resolution. I'm going to do some experimenting and see what I can come up with! Awww thanks! I feel very honored. OTMS is my baby, so I'm glad you liked it.

My best guess at what was happening here was that he was doing some kind of water quality check that cost extra money. I do have a friend who works in water quality testing, so maybe that's why it came to mind...

WAAAAAAAAAAAA people can buy your book!! Woooooooooooo!!!!!!

Hmmm. I think one thing that will help him seem older is to make sure he's recognizing his own agency. What I mean is that 17-18 year olds want to make their own decisions, just like adults (but without the fully developed frontal lobe). They think of themselves as independent, they want to have control over their lives, etc, and they think of themselves as having that control (or at least deserving it!). I realized, thinking back, that Sam is very reactionary in this chapter. Chapter one was better this way, because he was at least thinking of what actions he could take, like grabbing the sherry to light a fire. However, in chapter 2 Sam is largely consumed with grief, confusion, and anxiety; all quite understandable, but it's taking away from his agency. Again, I don't think it's really a problem that he seems young here. Like I said, one response to anxiety is reversion in your acting age. But if you want to up his agency, try having him come to the decision himself that he needs to sit still in the alley rather than go with Kirian, or similar things like that. Also, for some reason "wiping one's nose on one's sleeve" or any mention of snot, boogers, etc seems to be a clear signal to readers that the character is a child. I don't know why - are adults supposed to be more refined than that?

Sounds like a prologue to me! Just wanted to jump in there. That's definitely better. I think, reading it again, that part of what throws me off is that we already know Raist is thinking, so using "Raist mused" sounds a bit clunky. So maybe you cold just say, "Breathing dust is like inhaling the dead...his father's words. Strange how he only comes to mind when I'm angry." Ah. So I was basically picturing something like the inside of a pyramid this whole time, as in, a structure that's primary purpose is to be a memorial. Maybe that's not actually right. Actually, it did work. I pictured that he had been cut by the slats, and I guess that was right. It's actually the "he wasn't surprised" that threw me off, because I thought you were saying he wasn't surprised that some shrapnel from the slats had cut him. If he expected to be cut when he punched the door, why did he punch instead of kick? Or why not try to shield his face? You know what I mean? So not to worry! Much better! I like it. But the important thing is if YOU like it, of course. Hmm. Blocking is hard. I'm coming up with a few ideas, but I'm not an expert on this either. Something like this will let us know right away that the room is really big. You mention that the light doesn't reach far, but a specific mention that they can't see the walls yet gives us a better visual (a positive vs a negative description). Just a few clarity suggestions. I usually try to "introduce" an object before I use it in a description. So instead of saying, "As they approached the dias," (when you haven't told us there's a dias yet), have the character specifically notice the dias. Also, using tags like "stone box" helps readers feel confident about which box you're talking about. Hopefully that helps!

Hello! This is my second time reading chapter 1 and my first time with chapter 2. Impressions of Chapter 1: It's still a great hook. I do like a good person vs environment conflict. I also miss the mystical aunt, but I understand why you changed it. Impressions of Chapter 2: It's a good start, but I didn't quite believe Sam's anxiety. I think @M.Puddles is right that we need to see the psychological effects of his anxiety as well as the physical ones. Sam clearly has a different brand of anxiety than I've struggled with, but for example, when I get anxious because I fear I might get into a confrontation, I vastly over-exaggerate the likelihood of people getting really upset and judging me horribly, and then hating me forever. Those fears are much more present to me than the physical effects - lack of appetite, physical weakness, etc. It's true that panic-attacks are much more debilitating physically than what I've experienced, but (I think) there's still a thought process running in your head while it's happening. I think you're already doing some of this, but it's not permeating Sam's whole mindset. And I realize this is really hard to do, because you're basically setting up an unreliable narrator - his anxiety-indcued thoughts are not going to reflect reality. But without it the anxiety doesn't quite feel real. Specifics: Chapter 1 “Haven’t you looked out of a window?” I'm not sure what she's expecting him to see. Her closeness was a comfort. It feels creepy to me, but I like that he thinks its comforting. It's interesting. ...when his fingers intersected her white hair, "Intersected" sounds like my husband using math-speak. Maybe "brushed against?" She had given him strength to overcome those obstacles he did, though he knew he always fell short. This comes across as too direct. Chapter 2 The air here was fresh, not stifling like the house had been. If he hadn't left or even opened a window in years, he wouldn't have thought of it as stifling before. Sam took in a deep breath, suddenly re-energized. Re-energized doesn't sound like anxiety to me. This was not a place he knew. Lost. It would help me believe he felt lost if he had looked around. We've gotten sound and smell and feel, but basically no visuals. Sam welcomed the distraction. hmm... maybe "Sam tried to focus on it to distract himself?" "Welcomed the distraction" again just doesn't feel anxious to me. It still worked. It had to be real. Maybe take a moment for him to feel relieved. He’d be lost and alone. It cut through his panic. You just used "cut through" in the previous paragraph. Majus Cyrysi went to the mouth of the alley. This visual is coming a bit late. Sam peered out of the alley, keeping his hand on the rough wood of the building... This paragraph gives me the visuals I've been waiting for! I would expect, though, if he's afraid of crowds, he would have noticed this earlier. “I’ll be better in a little while,” he snuck another peek outside the alley, shivered, “But any help would be appreciated.” I'm not sure why he's trusting this guy. It's true he doesn't have any choices, but if I got pulled through a hole onto an alien planet and a bird-man told me that his friend had techniques that could help me cope with my anxiety, after he put his two claws on my forehead and did some weird thing with light, I'd be like, "Maybe later." My last comment on chapter 2 is that Sam is coming across a little young. I'm suddenly imagining as being maybe fourteen. I could believe his anxiety causes him to revert a bit, though. That's what I've got! I'm still engaged and ready to keep reading.

Hello! I'm glad we get to see where this goes! I really enjoyed your fist submission on these characters and I enjoyed this one as well. I have similar comments as others (as usual when I jump into the discussion late). The first issue is the confusion in the first chapter, which you covered above. I agree, and I'll add that one of the most confusing things about this section is that I have no idea why the android is talking. In this version, it's clearer that this is a test, but once the monologue starts, I lose any sense of that. Maybe show the suited man concentrating, or taking note of abnormalities, or something along those lines? It takes me too long to figure out that the android is talking without expecting a response. The second issue is the need for some more oomph in the second chapter. By the end of the third page, I started to glaze over a bit. I'm still not sure what he's doing (well, technically I've read this before, but...) and I've absorbed enough setting details that my brain feels full. Further in... Agreed. But again, I think you covered this above. More specifics: Two figures, one human, one syRenTM, sat in low light, in a wood-panelled office of a research complex, under a huge dome on Earth’s moon. I don't often say this, but I think there are too many commas in this sentence for my taste! ...demise of Europe as a political entity under a biblical deluge of refugees... Wherever did you get that idea... He walked out of the restaurant... He didn't pay? The woman’s left eyebrow appeared above the frame of her dark glasses. I love this image. Looking forward to reading more! Quirk is lots of fun.

Thanks for all the comments so far! Interesting. I'm always fascinated to read how people react to this story. I consider it a stepping stone of success, as a novice writer, to have people reacting with feelings (depressed, super annoyed, etc) rather than, "Eh, I was kind of bored." So thanks for your perspective! It's very helpful. I wonder if I can actually play this up - you're absolutely right about the needs of their different species. Hmmm. I like it. Maybe this will work its way into their conversation. Clara could totally make this point: as you said, she's a biology teacher. Both are good ideas. I want so badly to be DONE with this story, when I think I just need to realize: I'm a writer! I'm never going to be done! Success! Phew. Yeah, I'm trying to write her as having mixed motives. She feels a lot of loyalty to her current dude, but she's kind of miserable and can't help fishing for an excuse to leave. I'll try to make this less confusing to the reader. I made it farther this time! Baby steps. Good to know I still need to dial up her reaction. Oh no! "Something else to do besides read." Goodness. Hmmm. Good ideas to consider. Seems similar to what @aeromancer was saying - the reveal comes too late. I like the punch of the reveal at the end, but I suppose I need to give more of an indication of her trajectory, whether or not I move the reveal earlier. I see from the rest of your comments that I successfully avoided the annoyance level of, "At this point I would run screaming." Which still makes me laugh every time I read it. And thanks for catching the jasmine tea bit - I did accidentally edit that out! That's a big problem (though easily fixed)! Ah, yeah... Yes this! ^^ The best and most useful crits, for me, are ones that provide impressions AND prescriptive comments. I can't read the critiquer's mind and sometimes the idea given is just golden. And if it isn't, so what? We take what we can from a crit anyway, and we all have different skills. I absolutely agree! Thanks again everyone!

Overall I enjoyed reading this. It kept me fairly well hooked, despite its length, and it seems like a great place to start a story. It had a sort of Indiana Jones feel, except a bit darker. I want to keep reading, mostly to find out more about Raist. He seems like a very capable person, and yet he's beholden for some reason to this babyish king dude. I want to know why. It's a powerful bond, whatever it is. I'm secondarily interested in his magic, and why he needs to keep it secret. Though I was hooked by that in your first submission from this story as well, so it might just be a holdover from that sub. I think your characters come across well. They feel authentic. I don't particularly like the king, but interestingly enough, Raist doesn't seem to hate him, just be frustrated with him. I like that - it's a refreshing variant on the "servant hates stupid master" relationship. Specific bits for improvement: Breathing dust is like inhaling the dead his father once said. Strange how I only think of him when I’m angry, Raist mused. These two sentences parallel each other in a way that throws me off as I'm reading. On the surface, Crestgaurd’s Temple beamed with hope... This entire paragraph has so many world-building details that I'm getting lost and I start skimming for things I recognize. Ah. The next paragraph has a much better balance of new details plus concrete familiarity. The stagnant air hung heavy as though he’d stepping inside a tomb. I thought he was in a tomb. When Raist dabbed at his cheek with his fingertips, he wasn’t surprised to see them come away red. Why is he okay with hurting himself? Seems careless? ...but when he held the lamp aloft, he saw light scurry across the surface like a small lizard, wary of the light. Light is wary of light. It comes across as kind of an awkward comparison. The last scene was a different one altogether. The shining portal was gone, and where the monsters had stood, there was a now large rectangle marked with runes. ... I got a good image of the first set of drawings, but this one I'm having a hard time picturing. It reads like step-by-step instructions on how to draw it, but in terms of forming a mental picture it's too much literal detail. I like the tension in these middle scenes, especially when his master sees a hole that he doesn't. I also like how everything feels cold to his master but not to him. Very interesting... Raist’s hand dropped to where his sword should be and cursed when he found the open air where he should have felt the handle. damnation. Without an acknowledgment that he's done this before, such as "For the third time that night..." Or, "Oops, I did it again!" (Sorry, sorry, couldn't help it, sorry), this is getting repetitive. He didn’t realize he was holding his breath until he stood above the coffin, looking down at the still shaking tablet. I'm having trouble with the blocking. At first I thought the dias was the coffin, but if so, how is he standing above it? During the last two pages or so, when the monster starts to come out of the coffin, I start to get lost: Long fingers stretched out and like meat hooks out and at the coffin. Is it trying to feel the coffin? Attack the coffin? The room sparkled with light banishing the darkness to reveal fantastic hues emanating from the torch. ... I thought the torch had gone out? This entire paragraph is especially confusing. I'm losing my mental picture. It floated next to a wall, and the walls pulled at it even faster now. I'm unclear what this magic-pulling thing is. I can tell it's a similar thing to what happened to Raist's magic before, but other than that I'm lost. Raist saw it desperately try to reach inside the coffin and then roared in frustration as it disappeared into the wall. That was very unexpected. Again, overall this was good.

Hello! Time for my two cents: I think the whole concept of this chapter is really interesting, but I'm still not 100% sure what happened. My working theory is that Sophia was still-born, but that instead of accepting that he wasn't getting a sister after all, Ellis basically dreamt her into an imaginary friend. So she doesn't actually exist - she's part of his dreamscape. Which is super awesome, if I'm right. I seem to remember some events from your previous submissions contradicting this, though. But maybe you've changed this. If I'm right about what's going on, it makes way more sense why Ellis is so timid and Sophia is so dominant in their relationship. He's basically split his own personality between the two of them. Iiiiinteresting... Anyway, getting into the writing: I had two large-scale issues with this chapter. The first is that it felt pretty sappy. The way Ellis is so, perfectly happy playing with the dream; the way his dad caught him whenever he was about to fall; the way his mom's elephant dream made him clap and giggle. It reads a bit too perfect. This makes it feel unrealistic, but it also makes it feel like a setup for something to go wrong, and then something does go wrong. I think it's fine to be focusing on happy moments, since that's what drives Ellis to imagine Sophia later, but I think the extreme harmony is overplayed here. The second issue, which @neongrey mentioned, is that Ellis doesn't seem like a two year old. The chapter seems to be from his point of view, and yet the second part especially, when he's waiting for Sophia to come home, sounds like it's written from someone way older. Since I wasn't sure about the rules of pregnancy in your world, my guess was that Ellis was at least seven years old in that scene. Now, I'm very sympathetic to the fact that none of us (probably) remember our thought processes when we were two, so it's going to be super hard to write this convincingly. As one point of reference, I worked in a daycare in college, and most of the young two year olds could not speak in complete sentences yet. A few in-line comments: He sipped at his bowl of porridge... This just seems like a ton of food for a two year old. Unless the apple and the porridge and the ham and bread are all really small. He held the violin by its neck, but inverted, so that the instrument's bout was held upward like the blade of an axe. He held the violin's bow in his other hand with a tight sword grip. Is "bout" a typo here? This is a nit-picky point, but if he's rushing, the most natural thing is to hold the instrument body-down, since that's the way your hand is arranged on the neck when you're playing it. You don't have to change your grip that way. If he's holding it body-up, he had to do that intentionally and I'm not sure why he would. And he sword-grip description of how he holds the bow sounds a little off. Bows are pretty fragile and you're not supposed to get your hand oils on the bow hair, which means there's very little room to grip it with your fist. You can - I just went and tried it - but my hands are pretty small. He had never seen or heard them cry before. How could he help? What did his parents do when he cried? I'm surprised his first reaction is to try to help - it seems like most kids have a bit more of a crisis than this before they reach this point. So most of my comments are about believability and "realism," which I guess is kind of ironic considering the dreamy nature of your story! But I think getting the concrete details down lays a good foundation for all the dreamy magic. Hope that's helpful!