Hobbit

This was a nice read. I liked the training bit with Aetna in the sense that we get to see a different, softer, more caring side of her. I thought the scene with the Council was okay, but there were a few things that bothered me about it. I did like the arguments Aetna made before the council. I seem to be getting a better idea of her character with each chapter, and I like that we keep seeing her in different situations. She seems more consistent than she did before. I do think the lack of forward plot motion made the chapter less engaging. Specifics: The description of Eleanor at the beginning here makes her seem really young. Trying to justify this description and the previous information we have about her me think she's maybe fifteen, fourteen. But then I remembered - isn't Aetna hundreds of years old? So is her sister also that old? The description of the Chamber on page 2 at first makes me think of some kind of board room - plain and rather small. But then we see nine marble thrones on a raised dais and I got a little thrown off. I was surprised when Marcus suddenly appeared on page 3, since I expected her to greet him or at least notice him when she first entered the room, since they're good friends. The way that Silvanus and Ceres talk in this scene makes them sound kind of teenager-y. They're stirring up drama in rather overt ways (especially Silvanus). What's even more disconcerting to me is that Tiberius, who seems to have the most authority here, lets Silvanus get away with cutting people off, insulting them blatantly, and all sorts of unprofessional behavior. It gives me the impression that Silvanus and Tiberius must be evil buddies or something, and for everyone to be so easily cowed by Silvanus probably that he has a ton of power over them in other ways. Everyone's behavior was just a lot worse than I expected. (If this is what you were going for, then of course this isn't a bad thing at all.) I like that Aetna is invested in the students at the academy, though her transition to this does seem kind of sudden. But I used to be a teacher and still am at heart, so I love teaching. I think with some more setup beforehand, and more direction in the scene itself, this scene could be a poignant contrast to her struggles and hopelessness surrounding everything else. Though it's only going to be a break from struggle and hopelessness if all her students want to learn. Notice I said that I used to be a teacher. Anyway, this isn't about why I quit teaching... moving on. I remember enough about Cronus (not sure which draft it was from, but...) that I'm excited to read the next chapter. I think him being back means something pretty bad.

Hello AH16! I'm doing a little catch-up with critiques, so I hope you don't mind the late feedback. This version is definitely an improvement over your previous draft. The conversations feel more realistic and the descriptions feel smoother. I agree with everyone else that there's a lack of focus to the chapters in terms of how it relates to the main plot. I mostly felt this during the training scene, but that's also partly because I wasn't sure if the training scene was happening in the past or in the present. At first I thought it was the past, since we'd just come back from a flashback, and I didn't realize that Aetna still trained with her mentor. More specifics: I like your first four paragraphs. Your descriptions are vivid and it keeps my interest well. I like that you're emphasizing the child-like qualities of the dryads. It makes them seem more innocent and less whimsical, which overall makes them fit better with the overall tone of your story. I was also hoping for more of a dramatic entrance for our dragon. I'd like more details about what he looks like. In particular I was wondering: Is he a long, skinny dragon so he can fit through all the trees? And where was he hiding, or can he become invisible? I think the conversation between Siwatu and Aetna is better, especially on Aetna's end. Her reactions are complex and consistent with her character. I'm still not getting a bead on Siwatu's character, however. He's the mentor, and he's a dragon so I expect him to be pretty powerful, but Aetna's not really showing him any deference, and at least in chapter 3 he's not talking to her like he expects any deference. It's just an odd juxtaposition. Marcus goes into a coma every time he fights and never knows whether he’ll wake up. I didn't know this. Is this new? Your last three paragraphs on page 4, when Aetna's having her flashback, aren't interesting to me. Your descriptions are cool, but I have no context for the characters you're describing. But I really liked the part describing Mor and Abaddon - it was super vivid, and it was easily contextualized with Aetna. Also, you use the phrase "obese arms" to describe one of your enemies - maybe choose a different word so it doesn't come across as the fat=evil stereotype. His shock of white hair swayed almost comically in the frigid breeze. Using the word "comical" drains some of the tension from this scene. For page 1 and 2 of Chapter 4, I wasn't sure if we were in the past or the present. Also, it doesn't seem connected to the main plot, so I'm starting to want to skim to get to the parts about the main plot again. Hope that helps!

If Brandon keeps up his pace, he'll take all the cool magic systems... But just to reiterate, I think you've already shown the magic system to be separate enough from Brandon's that it's not a problem.

This is definitely a bummer. It's counterintuitive to me, since when I submit, I need to critique other people's work to keep me in an editing mindset, rather than an "Aaaaahhhhh my baby story is out there in the world, so scared!!!" mindset. Also, maybe just another bit of encouragement for everyone - critiques don't have to be long. Even just three or four comments are really helpful.

Hello Eagle! A bit late on this, but I'll add my comments anyway. I'm also reading with fresh eyes. Overall I think this is an interesting chapter. I liked it. I don’t really have a specific reason to keep reading - I’m not that curious about what Burrus did to deserve punishment, since I don’t know anything about him or the man looking to punish him - but the world is fascinating and I’m hooked in kind of a general way. Since you told us that this is a prologue and the main story starts elsewhere, I’ll say that I’m happy to jump forward and explore this world from a different character’s angle. Your magic system is really intriguing; for example, these fury priests/priestesses are forbidden and have to hide, but yet the Dhe they summon are common, so there must be a lot of them. It’s an interesting tension. I related with your character’s feelings as well, and I liked how he felt a variety of different things throughout the chapter while still seeming consistent. The only place I didn’t believe his feelings was at the very end. I've read the Rhithmatist (@Coop, it's a fun read). From what you show us of your magic system in this chapter, it immediately reminds me of the Rhithmatist, but not in a way that feels derivative. I assume there will be more revealed about your system later that will distinguish it from Sanderson's, since you've already given hints along those lines (for example, yours is summoning based). There are a number of places where you use awkward phrasing. Other people mentioned some, and I pulled out some other examples below. Finally, about the mask. Since you didn't describe it much, I assumed it wasn't that big of a deal. Not sure if that's the correct assumption, but that's what I came away with. I wasn't particularly scared by it - I just decided it was practical, for hiding their identity and all, and kind of moved on. More specific feedback: First paragraph reactions: My first question was, "Are we inside or outside?" I kind of feel like I'm floating - not sure where I am - until you get to the graffiti. I'd appreciate a more concrete sense of setting in the first sentence or two. But I'm horrible at opening lines, so do as I say, not as I do! I was also thrown out by the turtle sentence. I liked the fix that you suggested above, but I'll mention that the other thing that throws me off about the sentence is the structure of the turtle "telling him" to follow a certain route, since the turtle isn't sentient. At this point, so early in a fantasy story, I don't actually know that the graffiti isn't sentient, so I spend a half-second wondering if the turtle actually moved or something. the man scuttled into the passageway... I had the same reaction as kaisa about thinking of him as a crab. It sounds like you meant it that way! That notion had barely swum its way to the top of his mind when he noticed his torch was not the only light source in the hall he’d turned into. Awkward. In the light coming from the open door the masked man... I thought he was just wearing a hood, not a mask. With a heavy heart and heavier limbs, the man stepped up to the door. I hadn't realized there was a door. I think I'm missing something about the setting. I keep getting surprised by your details. His gaze leapt from object to horrid object... This whole section from here to the end of the paragraph is really well done. The entire conversation on page 3 is very interesting. I like the tension between what the priestess is ready to do and what the MC wants her to do. He counted out the smaller coins that were all he had to add up to three Quarters Awkward ...the priestess screeched at him. The screeching seems really off. If she's changing her tone of voice, I'd like to know that before I read her words. But going from a croak to a screech would be really surprising, and it's odd to me that the MC doesn't react other than to say, "Oops, she made a mistake." Is he assuming that her natural voice is loud and screechy? I think my reaction in his situation - in a creepy secret place, with a powerful revenge-fulfilling secret priestess who's been relatively quiet this whole time - would be more on the level of a heart attack! ...the man felt he finally understood why the Dhé agreed to this. I love your description of the writing and the magic happening. Great details, and great emotional reactions from the MC. I just don't share his particular revelation here at the end of the paragraph. Under his scarf, he smiled. I'm not sure I believe he's happy... He seemed unsure of himself at enough points during the exchange that I expect his feelings to be pretty complicated, rather than positive enough to get him to smile. Again, overall I really liked this chapter and I'm very interested in your world!

Aaaah, the end of this submission was heartbreaking. So sad! My first thought when they steal all of Sira's things was that something much more sinister is going on than I realized. Basically until Sira and Ray are talking at the sunset, I was under the impression that Ray is actually kind of a bad creeper dude and that once Sira got her stuff back, she would stay away from him. It wasn't just the creepiness/meanness of Ray taking all of her stuff, it was also the fight. It sounds pretty violent, with robots smashing into Sira and Sira herself breaking a robot under her knees. We find out later that they're not actually as old as we thought, I suppose, but in the moment it only feels justified if Sira feels genuinely threatened. I wasn't really thrown out by being in Grandpa's POV. I agree that I would have liked some hints that he's a tech super-genius earlier, but his chapter still works well, and leaves me super sad. I'm very ready to read some cathartic chapters in which Sira gets over herself. As much as I don't like her for the way she treats her grandpa, I also think it's a believable way for her to feel. I didn't like how she talks about her grandpa during the sunset scene, but I didn't have trouble believing it. Hope that helps!

Aww you took down your silly link! Also it was only scary for the first two hours, before I awkwardly went up to another lonely-looking person and started making friends. After that it was great. No... I was too chicken. ETA: I forgot to mention that I'm doing NaNoWriMo, so I might be lighter on my feedback this month.

Hello everyone! I just got back from World Fantasy Convention, and it was great. The most dramatic moment for me was when I walked up to one of my new friends, hoping to meet the person he was talking to, and it was Marco Palmieri! He was like, "Hello, I'm Marco. I'm an editor at Tor." My thought was, "Oh, crap." My friend was in the middle of pitching to him, so I said something funny and then promptly ran away. I came away from the convention with a few new ideas and lots of new aspiring-writer friends. I even talked to an agent (though not about my work - I have nothing ready to sell) and confirmed that agents are definitely real people, and not scary. All in all, it was just really encouraging to see lots of other people taking writing, particularly fantasy/sci-fi writing, seriously. It validated my desire to take writing seriously, too. I'm about to start to catch up on the submissions from last week, so get ready for some awkwardly-late feedback.

Has anyone else read The Lies of Locke Lamora by Scott Lynch? I just finished listening to it. It's definitely grittier than the things I usually gravitate towards. Overall I liked it. The world was fascinating and super creative, if dark, and the characters are great - lovable rogues, indeed. I thought his writing was smooth and well-done, and his long descriptive passages usually rewarded attention by being relevant later, as well as just being really interesting. I'm not sure I'll read the rest of the series, though. There were some pretty disturbing bits. Actually, many disturbing bits. Plus, revenge turned out to be such an important character motivation in this book, and I just never buy into revenge plots. Sure, be angry, be upset, but what has revenge ever done for anyone? Book one wrapped up well, so I might just leave the series alone. Lies barely passed the Bechdel test, though... I'm wondering if anyone else has opinions about the gender dynamics in the book. There were certainly strong women, but there weren't so many of them, and I have a specific question about fridging in the spoiler box below. Overall, I still recommend it, but with quite the content warning. Violence, sex, language, drugs, and yes, there is also a brief description of sexual assault.

Hello neyongrey! I'm pretty late to this one, but here are my notes: Overall I liked this chapter. It seems like you usually get into the swing of plot-things later in your chapters, but in this case I actually didn't mind the getting ready scene. I think the makeup is an interesting window into their culture. Sure, it could be streamlined, but overall it kept my attention. The one suggestion I'll make about the beginning is that you give us maybe one or two more hints that this is the same person who killed the goddess. I think you expressed Thalan as gender binary really well and clearly, as others have pointed out, but I just didn't know for sure that s/he was the same person that came in to Savae at the end of the last chapter until he literally said, "I killed a goddess." It's partly WRS, since I forgot his/her female name, but maybe a mention of the black head covering when you mention his clothes on the chair, or having him remember coming into the jewelry shop, would help it click more quickly for your denser readers. As it was, I read the first scene feeling like I was missing something (which I was). I found Savae's and Thalan's conversation over tea a tad confusing - I had to read over it twice. I think they are making faster mental jumps than I am. Otherwise I'm very interested how this is going to play out! I was especially surprised that Savae has such big plans, since they seem to have very few resources, physical or social, in this culture, and I'm interested how they're going to pull it off. (As a side note, just wanted to point out/confess my gender bias at work - I just had to correct all my pronouns for Savae from "he" to "they." Surprise surprise, my brain picked a binary gender, and it chose the culturally dominant gender instead of my own...)

Hello Zay Wolfe! Welcome to the forum, and congrats on the new baby! This discussion is already well underway, but I'll add what I wrote before reading everyone else's comments. Just note that I kind of cheated in terms of the sexual assault scene - I saw the post about getting a new tag for sexual assault, and assumed I would find such a scene here. So it didn't catch me by surprise. I'm not a fan of reading any such scenes regardless of their purpose, so I mostly skimmed over it. My first reactions, as answers to your questions: Is it interesting? Definitely. It's a fascinating world, and that kept me engaged throughout. I wasn't very connected with the characters, but I didn't really need to be to be interested. Is the future it paints thought provoking? It certainly is thought provoking. My impression is that the future is a place where people have digital memories, and digital existences, while still also existing in the real world, aided by suits (not sure what these are exactly). I think you focused on the part of it that I would be most interested in - how does having all this stimulation, all this augmentation, affect a person’s ability to feel natural emotions? What do you think is the lesson of the story? The lesson I took from this story is that you have to seek out meaningful experiences if you want your life to remain meaningful. Passively ingesting the world does not provide meaning, and eventually dulls the senses. And experiences must be real to be meaningful. If they can be erased, or if they are in a false reality, they lose their ability to enrich our lives, and we lose our ability to learn from them. So after reading all the comments, I see that @kaisa and @neongrey have spelled out what made me uncomfortable with the piece, even though I couldn't really articulate it myself. Enough said there. (Thanks to you both for being so articulate. You've certainly gotten a lot of practice at it with all us newbies...) I'll pull out a few comments in particular. I also felt like the dialogue was cliche. I took this as either something to be improved in a later edit, or a tonal choice, trying to make it sound more like a lesson. I see part of your intent is to have the characters be intentionally immature because of their world. My reaction to learning this is mixed. I agree that a world with no consequences can certainly encourage an immature mindset. But don't confuse "immature" with "simple." No one's emotions, no matter their age or experience, are simple, and I as a reader would find this story much less interesting if I was made to imagine these characters as simple. I felt the exact same way when I first (and second) submitted to this group. It sounds like you've learned well and recovered gracefully. Keep writing! We all mess this up. Writing is powerful, and it's awesome to be a part of a group that holds us so accountable to its effects. Haha, nope. I think it works well as a title without any idea of its double meaning, though!

I haven't personally read one, though like neongrey said, there's probably one out there. That said, based on what I've read in the past, I'd be much more interested in a humans/dwarves/elves story from a dwarf perspective than a human or elf one. I just wanted to let everyone know that I'm going to be at the World Fantasy Convention next week. (It's in the same city where my parents live, so I get to visit home and not pay for a hotel.) I'm not sure of the protocol, but are we allowed to meet each other in person? If anyone will be at the convention and is interesting in meeting up, let me know. ETA: Ernei posted while I was writing this! No, I don't think it would be offensive at all. There are lots of mixed race people in the world! You're right about not having seen this much in movies, but that doesn't mean you can't or shouldn't do it. Last night I attended a panel discussion about racism on the nearby campus, and there was a student who talked at length about her experience growing up as half black, half white - in her case her parents divorced, and she ended up living primarily with her white family sometimes and her black family at other times. It was really cool. I will say that genetically, it would be rare (but not impossible) for someone who is half black to have blue eyes.

I was super excited to see a little bit of progress between Sira and Grandpa! Yay! I've been waiting for that for a while, and it's such a relief to see Sira start to come around. I basically loved everything about Chapter 17. My only suggestion was to give us a little more of Sira's reaction after Grandpa's comment at the end of the chapter. I just wanted more from her there. The information that we get in Chapter 19 didn't seem like much of a reveal to me. I felt like we got more information but not more answers, if that makes sense. I was definitely not expecting robots, and although I like the robots, I'm still left with most of my questions about where this technology came from. Who made it and why? I hope we keep getting more answers along these lines. I hadn't been picturing the tech as late medieval, especially if the suit has a gel component... well, maybe I'm being too serious. Also, wouldn't Sira have realized that she made it stop raining while she was swinging under the cloud looking for an opening? Overall, that was fun!

I'll just start by saying that this is the way I feel every time I submit something to this forum! Although to be fair, there are also always plenty of critiques that make me think, "Huh? Oh, weird, I totally had no idea about that thing." I didn't read your first draft, but I did scan the comments that went along with it. I also want to say kudos for revising something so much so quickly! That's not easy. Overall, I really enjoyed this piece. I was invested in your main character, and the tension with the escape from the city and the scary monster worked really well for me. I'm definitely excited to read more. Very nice opening. There are some execution issues, but despite these you definitely kept my interest! Did I mention that I really like the scary monster? I'm going to break my comments into four sections for my own clarity of mind. Blocking: Shortest section of feedback first! When they're running through the city and fighting the Drouvlan, I get confused easily as to where people are. When Lyzell looks around the corner for the Drouvlan and then Alandria doesn't see it, I got confused. Also when the Drouvlan pins Lyzell's head to the ground with his boot, I didn't realize that Lyzell was lying on the ground - I thought he was sitting. Things like this would bene fit from a makover with attention to letting the reader know where people are. Descriptions: I think you are doing something tough by choosing a description-heavy style, in that not everyone is into super description-heavy books. I can see how not everyone will enjoy the style you've chosen. I personally get fatigued by too much description, but for what you're trying to do, I think that overall you're doing a good job. The tricky part is, when a description fails, it fails spectacularly! Zay Wolfe pointed out some of the worst offenders. I guess what I'm saying is don't give up on writing descriptively - testing descriptions out on other people is always difficult. Have you read Guy Gavriel Kay? He has very vivid descriptions in his books (actually I've only read part of one book so I can't speak for them all), and he does a good job keeping it character focused. He also breaks grammatical rules (lots of sentence fragments), but he does so consistently and in a way that's not confusing. Dialogue: Others have already pointed out that your dialogue feels stilted. I'm guessing that part of the issue is that you're trying to convey a different speaking style than modern English - maybe something more refined or old-fashioned - and it's coming off wrong. But whatever the intention, it could definitely use some work. It's not just the way it's written, but the subject matter. If these people are husband and wife, they're not going to have to explain things to each other, like why he has to finish the letter now - they'll already know. Not all your dialogue is stilted, though. Here's a place where I think it sounded more natural: “Of course they’re ready Lyzell. Let’s be about it.” He looked up her, hearing the tone, seeing her eyebrows shift upward as if to say, “I’m the one waiting on you.” “Right.” Neongrey also pointed out how some of your dialogue tags feel awkward because of redundancy - since she did a good job explaining why, I'll just say I agree. Fridging/women/etc: I was also a little put off by your/Lyzell's description of Alandria. Yep. Couldn't have said it better.

Ack, I definitely realized this after I had posted! I spoke too hastily. You and @cadebengert have so far been completely fridge-free, I believe.

Yep... not a single new submission on this forum, be it written by a male or female, has been free of this trope since I joined (not that I'm that old... ). Though I think this thread contains the most in-depth discussion about it yet. @TKWade, I didn't read your first submission last week, but I'm excited to read your next one! It looks like you got a lot of great feedback. @Robinski, the first book I ever plotted was definitely guilty of abattoiring...

Thanks @Mandamon and @Robinski! Sorry for the delayed response - I've been traveling (and have now gotten behind on looking at everyone else's submissions). @Mandamon: Clara's character needs work, for sure. I had to laugh at how annoyed you got with her. "I would run screaming..." I don't blame you! And I do need to make the entire thing more thematically cohesive. @Robinski: I actually was not trying to fit Dragon into a specific mythological context, though it may indeed be more interesting if I did! And thanks for catching the "mediate" typo - I could have read this a thousand times and not seen it. You may have noticed that I'm not very good at starting pieces - it's always a jumble until I get into the flow of things. Thanks again to everyone for your comments. As always, they were revealing and helpful, and everyone's comments together has helped focus my editing direction. P.S. @Mandamon, at the time of me writing this post, you have posted exactly 1111 times! Very exciting.

Haha, thanks! But it actually seems like the easier decision. The brave part will be going back and finishing/fixing it! It will probably involve killing a lot of darlings.

Definitely. I'll fix this. I don't actually want her to connect the dots - I think that's part of the fun of the story. But I'll try to make it more believable that she doesn't make the connection. Not at all! It's a good point. I'll throw in a gender hint earlier. Thank you!! I'm glad people are moving through it quickly. It was very fun to try something different. Definitely the post-digested product that's actually floating around in the blood. But I'll adjust or cut her next comment. Why would you be concerned? Not a fan of hipsters? It's a good assumption for most people who grew up in Ithaca, NY really. I lived there for five years. Hahaha, glad you can relate? Or sorry you can relate? Good idea. I'll work on making her less oblivious to his hints, as well - or have him be giving her more conflicting messages. Or both. Something needs adjusting here, for sure. Thanks @Tariniel and @kaisa! I'm proud that I submitted something new that included zero fridging, either in yellow or red card form. Third time's the charm, I suppose!

Thanks for the feedback so far everyone! Thanks! I've met teachers on both sides of this equation. Dragon's exaggerating in his comment here, but I'll soften it to make that clearer. Hopefully this cleared itself up later, but I could stand to make it clearer at the beginning. She's just feeling lonely and she's mad at her partner. And yes, she's very outgoing. So she wants to make herself feel better by making a new male friend (while keeping in mind the possibility that she could date him if things don't work out with her partner, or even that it would be easier to leave her partner if she had someone else to go to). I'm actually not, either (so if someone here knows more about yoga, please tell me everything I did wrong!) but Clara is supposed to be a kind of Western consumer of yoga, so she's not getting everything "right" either. Sounds good. Thanks. @Ernei commented on this, too. I'll adjust this - I'm not trying to symbolize anything, other than that Dragon has magical abilities. I think I overplayed the line and underplayed the setup/motivation? Thanks for reading and commenting! Thanks, Coop! Hmmm, good point. I wasn't sure how Dragon was going to come off. I don't want to soften him, since I think a lot of the tension and movement comes from the argument's low boil, but we'll see if I can make him seem more invested without being softer. Sounds good. Thanks again everyone!

Hello everyone! Thanks in advance for reading this piece. I'm taking a break from working on my other story, as I've realized I need more skills than I currently have to fix it. This is a short story (a standalone piece), and it's pretty different than anything I've written before. I look forward to hearing your critiques and suggestions. Length: 3,296 words Thanks again!

I'd also like to submit on Monday. I'll be submitting a short story instead of my next chapter - I'm taking a learning break to gather some more tools before before going back to that project full time. I'm actually going to be out of town for the week, so I might be later than usual in getting back to everyone.

But every time I comb through it I end up adding a phrase or a sentence every few lines... No, you're right. And I'm glad you enjoy it - to each their own! I also realized I was inadvertently dropping the tension in places, and hopefully cutting those lines will make it feel faster, even if the word count isn't that much lower.

@Ernei we all need to rant sometimes! This sounds really interesting - I'd be curious to hear more of your (or anyone's) thoughts about it. I just finished listening to The Goose Girl by Shannon Hale, and I loved it. It was a full cast audio, and I really enjoyed having the voices done by different actors. I rarely felt like the book was sacrificing narrative quality to be accessible to a younger audience. Even though I could see most twists coming a mile off, they were all very satisfying, and the author still managed to surprise me in places. The world was also well developed and interesting, especially for a middle grade novel set in a traditional setting - she added her own flavor to a pseudo-medieval society in a plot-significant way. It was a great reminder that classic stories can be just as wonderful as surprising ones.

Hello Coop! I liked this chapter. I'm feeling like the narrative is moving forward kind of slowly, but that could just be WRS. I'm also not as interested in the cloud sequences as I was before, since I feel like I understand them, and a lot of the mystery is gone. But it's still an enjoyable read! Specifics: The first line, where she calls the dirt pile Dirt Cloud Mountain, made me think for a while that she was on a cloud that looked like a dirt mound. All around her were places she had to be. Does she mean "places she's obligated to be" or "places she wants to be?" She was supposed to be timid—terrified of every new thing. I guess I never got this impression from her, but I did miss the first two chapters. ...maybe that’s just coming from someone whose husband walked out a week before their daughter was born. This line didn't sound natural to me. It sounds a little tell-y, but it also doesn't sound like something a mother would say so casually to her kid. I think those wounds just go deeper than this line implies. I'm happy that we know about the man in red now, but I had been expecting him to be an antagonist. Maybe he still is, but I'm getting the impression that he's not. It leaves me at a strange place as a reader. The stakes feel gone, and I'm left feeling like Sira's not in any danger anymore. I'm interested to see where this goes though!