kais

LOL, he mailed it to me to sign. I'm going to get some book plates I think, for this reason, because while I am happy to mail back to friends, the cost involved for a greater audience is far more than I make on the book itself.

I volunteer as tribute to help with Quirk's reactions. At the beta stage here, bumbling around in these lane areas is to be expected, I think. I have not seen Torchwood. I've never even heard of it, but I also don't have a TV. Of course, if its coming recommended and is available digitally somehow, I will look it up!

Mine are coming with the extra copies I have on order, so a bit delayed. I've had several shipped to me from buyers for signing, and it's hard to put them back in the mail when I don't have my own!

Right but, is Quirk queer? You've written him as hinting at bisexual, and while a straight person might let the slight pass, a queer person very much would not. There would be some type of reaction, even if just an internal cringe and decision to not make a fuss about it. This actually ties into our #ownvoices conversation over on one of my threads. It's cool to write people outside your lane (IMO), but you need to understand them to make their reactions realistic, otherwise the characters will offend readers in that lane, instead of bringing them in.

I think we can give 'they' a pass for now, because it respects the nonbinary nature of S and just asking people to jump around pronouns right off the bat is a little rough. I'm not speaking for all nonbinary people, mind, just for this character in my book, in this forum, I think they is acceptable as a workaround until one becomes comfortable not using pronouns. Any of the gender neutral pronouns would be fine, too, as a temporary workaround here.

Yesterday was my book birthday! Wheeee!

I've put just a bit more in chapter one about the forest. I'll be curious to see your reaction to chapter five, when S is actually doing work in a forest. Much more description there! I agree completely. I might just sub chapter one again post edits, and see if it works better Thank you! Issues with chapter one crit aside, your structural comments are very useful. Will you be subbing something here in the future?

Overall The first four pages were rough, and I think could use additional development. The interactions between Quirk and Moth are gold and I became completely submerged. In fact, I was so engaged I wonder if we need to wait this long into the book to get here? It's a serious hook, and might work better earlier, especially if subbing. If you make it past query usually they request the first fifty pages, and we don't hit this interaction until past that. I want more Quirk and Moth, together. Now. Darn this weekly sub thing. As I go - hrm. Page one, I think I expect a bit more exposition by Quirk about the lack of red carpet and the state of the ones he sees. He was so image focused early on that I expect that to carry through (and indeed, is one of the reasons I love him) - page two: I suspect you want His breathing, not This breathing - also with the artwork, expecting a bit more from Quirk - I start to connect with the story around page four. Prior to this I really wasn't feeling Quirk, and the descriptions of everything seemed truncated. - page six: Wait, so Quirk doesn't respond to being called Mr. Queer by a fourteen year old girl? I find that unlikely. At the very least, a flourished bow to mock her mockery - page ten: read straight through to here. Delighted with the Moth and Quirk interplay - Despite resisting it, Quirk’s memories dragged him kicking and screaming to the last time he’d seen his wife, tearful, begging him not to leave her there, but not sorry – never sorry for bring that thing into the world Huh? bringING that thing? As in, upset about a baby?

Overall I thought it started slow, and I was surprised by P's age, but you caught your stride about midway. The way you organized your paragraphs in the first half was also confusing, because the description broke in when tension was building, and destroyed the momentum. Again, it cleared up about halfway through. I like P, and I'm invested in him from this chapter, and look forward to reading more. As I go - uncle isn't a proper noun - the dirt pad doesn't leave bruises? Is it loose dirt or packed? I get bruises from falling on dirt for sure - page two has a tense change in the paragraph where you describe the stones game. It also reads a bit infodumpy - page two, last sentence: unsure what this sentence is trying to say - 'the thing part' is a little too oblique for my tastes. Could we get maybe one more sentence around it? Body part? Stray animal attached somehow? Armor? - another tense change, top of page six - the narrative really picks up once they meet the rider - 'stones' doesn't need to be in italics. That's usually reserved for thought or other languages - P's age comes out well in the second half, with his dialogue and his thoughts about his uncle

I've wondered this with SFF myself. When constraints of most kinds are removed, why do writers so often cling to the binary, when even in our world, and even if you subscribe to a binary gender structure for humans, there are plenty of other organisms on Earth that do not? Some fungal species have more than fifteen sexes. That's right here on Earth. It feels like it shouldn't be that hard for writers in speculative fiction to work with that. Although I suppose too, the binary is comforting, and steeped in the patriarchal conditions of our western world, so perhaps it gives a firm grounding? Relatability as it were?

I was going to see if I could manage to go pronoun-less the whole book for S. I can't find one I like that would also work for the period, and I don't care for they (while I wholly support those who do use it!). It also might be fun to have it be a point of consternation between M and S in book two, when M just gets fed up with it. Unsure. For right now, alas, we get to be creative with sentence structure. Thanks for the thoughts on the guards. I'll play around tonight and see if I can get them to come up a little better.

I've been putting off responding to your comment, @shadowkissed, because I wanted to let my emotions settle. I very much appreciate you taking the time to critique my work and it is nice to see how someone completely unfamiliar with the forum and with my writing (and the queer community) would see this work. That is valuable. I definitely need to work on putting more of S's emotions into chapter one. This area is something I struggle with in writing in general. With that said, some of the language you used in your critique was hurtful, and I would ask that you consider how, especially in first person narratives, the protagonist refers to themselves (and how they react to others referring to them) before making an assumption about gender identity. Words like 'pretending' and 'fool' are not good choices when having any meaningful conversation about gender expression.

This is a very good point. I've edited so that only S really notices. The guards have other things on their minds. And in fact...!! I'm looking forward to your comments on chapter five, where this dichotomy is very clearly spelled out. What I'm after is the time period where chemistry is still considered part of alchemy, but is just starting to break away. So there should be some dissension in the ranks as it were, of what constitutes alchemy, what constitutes magic, and eventually, breaking into a new chemistry field. It'd be nice to know if I actually manage to pull this off (and if the inherent parallels with the other main story line work). Yes, I would appreciate this. They haven't done anything, really, so I'm not sure how much time I should really spend developing their skills and sort of air. They act very differently than the not-guards who tried to kidnap S, in terms of social graces. Do you think they need something more than that in these early chapters? But lovely and spot on! Uh oh. Should we break the news to him, @Mandamon? Thank you for the comments! Hah. Typo. Thanks WRS from last week. Alchemy fair is being shut down and you're not supposed to wear the tools openly. Yes, yes I did. My thought was to have S speak somewhat akin to an academic, with unnecessary words on occasion. Maybe its just irritating to read. Cleared this up, I hope Quite right! Mentioned a few times in Ch1. The smith with the queer name. She's been alluded to in several ways throughout chapters one and two, but this is the first time I've deliberately introduced her, so probably okay if you don't remember her from previous. Agreed. Likely because chapters two and three used to be one chapter, and I split them due to length and the arc being weird (and a lovely suggestion from @Mandamon). Aheh. Next chapter. Yeah, I didn't do a good job of explaining why this is. I've edited accordingly, I hope. Thank you as always, for the crit!

This is a very good point. Edited. I think I'll send out the frontmatter form with the next chapter, that has the guild lists and the country they are held in on it. That should help things. I'm alright with this catch. I want to leave magic hanging for another few chapters. If it's reading that way, then all is well. On track! No reason at all. I guess it just didn't come up in conversation? Once S remembers the binding, the flow of conversation is pretty dead. Agreed. I was looking more for defeated, so I've edited. Yes, yes she does. If it pings as strange, that works just fine. I agree that this was muddled. I've hopefully cleared it up some. Thank you for the feedback!

V* = a mention of violence in the past I guess I’ll just keep up with the subs on this then, since no one has gouged their eyes out yet. TWD is dark adult fantasy, and also likely the result of being forced to watch too much Disney recently, thanks to my two year old daughter. This is draft zero. I’m sorry for that. Everything and anything is open to edits, but at this stage LBLs are less useful than overall feelings about tension, character development, text flow, etc. This is also my first experiment with first person, so be warned there. Also be warned that I am delving much deeper into #ownvoices land with the protag than I usually do.

I think this whole section just needs cleaning. I've changed it around, because S certainly did pay ahead, but that part got chopped out of chapter one some time ago. Edited The one that we're not directly addressing until a few chapters from now. LOL I thought this once, too. And yet, no matter how many times I ask for one, they never put them in the Amazon boats I take. Going to can-of-worms this until I finish draft zero, because I have no clue. Probably alternate history world. Have cleared this up, I hope Name fail on my part I'll probably keep it. It definitively dates the time period to right where I want it. That's an understandable question, and one I am going to let S answer for you during this book. I suspect lay readers will have similar questions if they are not familiar with the various areas under the gender identity spectrum, but one of the purposes of the book was to walk the reader through S's identity through the duality of magic and alchemy. I don't know if it will work, mind, but that's the plan. Also we're getting a character soon to play the part of the lay reader. @Mandamon found her... forward. I've added some clarifiers Yeah, I don't put a great deal of effort into flowing prose in draft zero. Get the words on the page, worry about them later sort of deal is what I'm shooting for right now. Thank you for the feedback!

In for the 27th, if space.

That's what I was told. And in case anyone wants specifics, I get about 40% of sell price for ebook, and the standard 12-ish% for paper. That's significant. It makes ebook publishing more enticing, even if it doesn't sound 'real' to many people. It's great to see your book in a Barnes & Noble (and indeed, I have a book there), but a check for a reasonable amount is surprisingly just as nice.

It's already up! @Robinski yes, the prices are generally different here between the two forms. Amusingly, authors tend to get much higher percentages on the ebook.

@Robinski can you confirm it is still that was this morning? It has the proper title when I look at it, but maybe it got corrected overnight? Thank you for pointing it out! @neongrey I think they're separate because ebook is still preorder. I think they go together once the ebook releases? I'll confirm. Ah, the joys of indie publishing.

Print is OUT! Since it is OUT out in print, it's even started getting reviews!!

Nope, I know its female. The not-guards were being incredibly dismissive, especially as the owner of the name in the story is quite adamantly female. 'Queer' is very loaded word, which is why I chose it. So many fun interpretations! Well you weren't too terribly off. They were being snarky about gender expression. I'm going to call that a story win right there. Boom. +1 to #ownvoices I wasn't a fan of the Kushiel series but the author's other, less-known series is FANTASTIC. Santa Olivia and Saints Astray. I appreciate the apology and we shall endeavor to move forward with greater understanding!

So on these boat rides I take in the Amazon to reach some of the sites we are on the boat for sometimes eight hours at a go. No breaks, and you sure don't try it over the side. So. Uncomfortable. Going to ask you to hang in for a few more chapters. S is purposefully old, so at some point I will ask if the age works with the information you have finally, or if it still clashes. I'll take this one out. There's another next chapter anyway and I had worried they might be redundant. Ack, I thought I caught all these. Thanks! It was because the rudder master explained why, but that might have been too subtle. I'll tweak Meh, that I can swap out easily for a better idea later. It's a placeholder, nothing more The issue is likely I'm not showing enough of S's emotion, which is a persistent problem for me in writing characters. The panic attack is very real, as is gender dysphoria. I'm just not conveying it well it looks like. To take your example and put it in context, there are literally some forms of clothes I would rather kill myself than be seen in. That's not hyperbole. I put on a sweater recently that I thought looked okay online and had a legit sobbing fit on the floor of my room, where no one was even there to see me, because it was more feminine than I'd thought and I hated what it made me look like. On something as small as hunger, my appearance would by far take precedent if my appearance was not aligning with my internal needs. But yes, this section needs work for sure. I'm going out of my way to not directly give away who the Royal Daughter is. That may have to be changed if this sticks with too many people. Not much time to world build yet. It's coming though, I promise! Thank you for the feedback! I agree completely. Already edited Well no, S's mother is a woodcutter. It occurs to me you may have missed chapter one, if so this would be immensely confusing. S doesn't want to follow in the family tradition, basically. Gah! Fixing Defined later, so hopefully that helped some I pulled it out more, per @Ernei's comment I think I was unclear as to what was happening here. They can, but that doesn't mean they will, especially if taken by surprise. I've edited (and also swum with piranha one too many times, and also kicked an anaconda in a lake by accident so let me tell you, both are horrifying). Progression? Hrm, I was aiming more for clarification. Did that happen? These are all distinctly different guilds. Maybe I should sub the guild list with my entry for next week? Thank you!!

I'd never ask anyone to not critique my work! You are most welcome to continue. I went to art school. There is very little in an actual crit that can upset me. I was trying to be honest here, in my response, not about how your original crit went, but the request to explain. In many marginalized communities that can be seen as a slight, as it is perpetually on the marginalized to explain, instead of on the majority to do the reading. It cannot consistently be the marginalized person's duty to bring the world up to speed. This is exhausting and leads to burn out and anger. And like, I don't want you to think its not okay to ask for clarification, but I would prefer if it came prefaced with 'so I went back in and reread, thinking about what you said, and I still don't get it so could you give me some pointers?' That at least, is trying to meet me halfway. S never said this though. S said 'I am her child'. I think what's happening is this sort of pervasive, aggressive binary gendering of characters that isn't shaking. In your return (which I do appreciate), you once again referred to S in the feminine, although I quite specifically said this was not appropriate. I look forward to your thoughts on chapter two, which is much less subtle about this issue, but I caution to please be aware of pronoun usage. In this, especially, as I have mentioned I am trending much more into ownvoices with this manuscript, your continued misgendering of S feels like a misgendering of me. And while I appreciate the emotional fodder it gives me for future chapters of TWD, it does still hurt.