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Shoot, you know what? I bet it isn't. I'll use your page numbers from now on. Page 85 was where I thought the exchange was closer to what I remembered about Quirk. Yes, this is all that I see in him, too. And I can see him as being more crass with Moth, because his guard is down, but there was a subtly to his character in some of your first subs that I just fell in love with. I didn't see that as much in this submission, but it is also one of those things you could edit back in pretty easily. Uh, I completely missed that! In the washroom, then I remove my complaint. That's a time honored place for short liaisons.

As the non-binary elephant in the room, I'll address this. It doesn't matter. This is the future, this is a background character, and you inform so much more about the world in that Quirk uses the pronoun without question than you would if you tried to explain it. I've suggested cutting the explanation entirely. In the real world the answer is, when you have a person of indeterminate gender, you avoid using pronouns until they offer one. Not everyone appreciates being asked what their pronouns are, and many do not like being asked what their gender is. #nonbinaryquestionhour

Overall I'm not as fond of this submission as others. The voice of both Quirk and Moth seemed off, and the first chapter seemed to lack direction. I liked the second chapter a lot more, but Moth's voice faltered in it. I'd like to (again) see more of that suave Quirk who so enchanted me the first time around, as well as the crass yet vulnerable Moth. The android portions are interesting me more and more as we go. I can now say I am interested in that storyline as well. But in the first installment, the droid didn't have balls, right? Now it does? As I go - that first paragraph is a little clunky. I don't want it to be, because it fascinates me. - end of page four: this doesn't seem like Quirk. He's very course now in his language, without any flare. Continues on page six. I don't care for this Quirk. - run on, top of page six - Her favorite assassin? LOL - page seven: I don't mind random insertion of third gender / nonbinary character. Adds flavor and variety. I think its only tokenism if you make them a two-dimensional character. Here xie is part of the world building. Bonus, you don't call it out. You don't try to explain why there is a xie, it just is, and no one cares, and that's good! - oh, page nine you do call it out. I liked it better when it just was. It ages your world, to have this resolution passed just two years prior, when I assume this is the future? I mean, we have countries now that allow it so this dates your story severely. Suggest just removing this section. Let the xie stand on its own. - I don't really feel like the story got moving until about page ten. Suggest trimming the pages before, as they seem to not be building to anything substantial, even personality, character, or worldbuilding - the exchange on page eleven is more along the lines of what I expected from Quirk - this first chapter doesn't have much meat to it. You might go back and poke it to see what it was meant to accomplish, and try to bring that element forward more - page 19: I would have liked more of Quirk's suave shown, with the flight attendant. Right now he's just coming off as a creeper who has a foul mouth and makes out with a teenager a few feet away. At least leave the room, man. - page 20: Actually, Moth seems harsher than normal too, in this. Her words on this page don't play quite right. - the 'M' word? Masturbation?

I tried. I really did! I just really hate reading epic fantasy. I can't even make it through The Way of Kings, and I'm a Sanderson fan (well, at least in terms of the Mistborn books). So I made it maybe two chapters into LoTR, and about the same amount into The Way of Kings. Yes, but quoting @Mandamon, who also had a pronoun slip in his. I just wanted to point them out. No offense taken certainly. It's hard for me too, because I use female pronouns despite being nonbinary, and they slip pretty easily into S's narrative. We're all learning!

I don't actually know what an Ent is, so I shall take this as a compliment! This pretty much sums up every trip to the jungle, ever. On it Thank you for the praise! I'm glad the chapter went well! (just a quick note on the pronouns though...) True. I don't generally like epic fantasy. I like to read dark fantasy almost exclusively. However I will say that in my mind, S is on an epic quest, even if S doesn't actually realize it as such. It's a quest to find and define a sense of self, and I think that is a really neat thing to explore through parallels of alchemy and gender identity. (ack, see, @Mandamon is doing it too. No female pronouns, please). But yes, this is what I was hoping for. That alchemy has three distinct branches (maybe more), and R and S aren't in the same one. And in fact that R's faction holds the one S is in in pretty low esteem. I've tried to clear it up some more. Thank you, @Robinski, for the glowing review! I am thusly motivated to continue on! I've tried to tweak it a bit. I do want R to be verbally in control, because screaming or yelling would only attract the palm. R needs to show some strong competency in this chapter outside of S's area, and this was supposed to be it. Hopefully the edits clarify. Thanks for having another read through @Wisps of Aether!

I have not! I have all the component parts now, but I'm still stringing them together and trying to arc characters better. I've left a note for myself on this point, and its something I'll think about again in the first rewrite. The issue is that I didn't think chapter one was gory at all, so I'm shooting in the dark with the 'G' label. I figured, I get descriptive with how the pigments work, so I'd best 'G' rate every use of them on a human. I'd rather over rate than under rate.

Yes, because it felt more natural for the character. The woman cop stuff hit so hard it felt contrived. It stood out too much, and was narrative-jarring. The lesbian quip felt less forced.

Welcome to the forum, @Wisps of Aether! Great to have you! I should probably delete that line. I wanted to really drive it home. This is a common complaint. Since R will not likely reappear in this story, I'm unsure how much time to devote to 'fixing' him. Emoting more while being impaled by a walking palm, however, I can definitely look at. Aheh. Heh. S is nonbinary (which is a large part of the story) and does not use pronouns. If you would like to use them, 'they' or 'xe' would be fine. No 'he' and definitively not 'she'. You did well for noticing that, having missed all the establishing chapters! Thank you for the very delightful critique!

That would be forest walking protocol. If it is bothersome I can just cut it. It needs a follow up line. Added. Grr, I'm really struggling with this. I'm going to try to make it clear, earlier, that they do different kinds of alchemy. I think I might have to start seeding that even in chapter one. Will note for draft 1. In the guild system, S doesn't reach apprentice level unless S becomes a formal apprentice. I've been trying to establish free crafters, too, as an option, which S does not want to be. Might need to lay this thicker, too. I wonder if modern sensibilities are working against the reader with R, since R is perfectly correct in all his comments, for the time period. Well, then my work here is done! Yeah, I've cleaned this section up to explain. Yes, a machete is a master's tool! Those things are hard to use correctly! I've now added it two more times, earlier, in this chapter, and will try to get it into earlier chapters as well That would be the bioluminescent fungi. And if you're a giant fungus nerd, there is a decent tell in this action. These fungi only glow when alive. If you pick one, they don't glow, and R is holding a glowing, picked fungus. I like to put in little things for the super nerds. LOL. It's the whole book! Thank you for reading again, @Mandamon! I didn't realize I was, either, until maybe last week. Discovery writing. Ugh. This actually is a great suggestion, and I have just the character for it! Thank you!

Ack. So I had an explanation for this in chapter one, but I think maybe it got cut? Let me check. Aaaand, yes, it's in the new edits. Whew. The short of it is that wood finishing requires a fair amount of solvent use, so my idea was that alchemy was a small step from that, and S mostly did the coloring and finish work for A. Why yes, yes I did. Heh. No, it's not, and I think the consensus is that that age is too old for S. BUT I'm asking people to withhold opinions for a few more chapters, because I chose the age for a reason, and want to see if that reason comes out by about chapter eight. If not, I'll drop S's age back to something more like eighteen or twenty. I spent a stupid amount of time with these. This book is turning into historical fantasy, which I had not planned at all. Apparently, alchemical symbols changed and became increasingly complex (their current form are chemical symbols) as the centuries went on. I picked some here from a guide book associated with this time period I'm shooting for (mid 1700s). There were some more complex ones, but they were really difficult to describe without saying 'a few jiggly lines in some other jiggly lines that looks sort of like a crawfish'. And if you thought that was silly, I spent a few hours last night just on period nightshirts. Nightshirts. Where the button is and where the ruffles are matters. Mycology didn't really start to develop until the early 1700s, and bioluminescence has only recently been really understood. I was trying to present the court alchemist as a stodgy old guy who didn't like new ideas and was reluctant to move to science, but maybe that's just not coming across right. I've gotten more specific with this discussion, and hopefully that will clear it up. As long as he doesn't make the chapter unenjoyable, I'm okay with him being unlikable. That's fair. I've just deleted the line Yes, but does it build S's character as inflexible towards magic and the supernatural? Because that's really what I'm going for here. Yes, and I actually need to change this scene, upon further reflection. I think I want the pigments to fail here, and have S have to use something else (like a big rock? I don't know yet). I'd prefer the pigment use be later. Although I do need some pigment use for the ending to work, so maybe just less of a bang? I don't know. I'll play with it. I don't think this was harsh at all! It's very in tune with S, so I think I'm hitting all my writing goals. S is not an alchemist, nor was S ever intended to be one. S wants to be an alchemist, but S is a chemist, and i was hoping to have the protagonist come to terms with that through the course of this book. So the real question is, how do I better lay the groundwork for that, so that people pick up more quickly that this is not a fantasy alchemical journey? Thank you so much for the thoughtful comments! For sure. I think this whole chapter needs a trim. That's for the next draft though! Thank you for the feedback, as always!

Oh good. I was hoping that would come through well. Good call. Will edit. I'm still trying to figure out how to walk this line. The concept of microorganisms would be very new during this time period and, much like flat versus round Earth, would be embraced by some and scoffed by others as stupidity. I was hoping for more of an 'old and traditional' versus 'younger and willing to consider new ideas', but maybe I need to build that up more? In this context I was hoping to basically replace 'god' with 'magic' in terms of budding chemistry and biology. Maybe? Unsure. I'd like to remove about 75% of the direct references and leave the nonbinary stuff as complete subtext, but then I think the book wouldn't have the same punch. Figuring out what different readers need in terms of introduction to concepts is hard. Ah, the low fog that just settles over the ground is what I was trying to describe here. It comes up, sometimes only to your neck or so, so the sky is clear but you can't see your feet. Super creepy. Also surprisingly wet. Re: color- yeah, I need to put a canopy break in there or something so moonlight can filter down. This would be my draft zero lack of plot. Noting in my manuscript for clean up later. I need to get the end written out here, so I can go back and focus on the political stuff. Sorry for the confusion! No one dies. The master alchemist gets his legs run through by the palm, but he lives. The important part is that at the end, he offers S an apprenticeship for the work with the pigments to save him, and S turns him down cold. Thank you for reading!

Thanks for doing this, @M.Puddles! Formatting went super wonky though! A few people noted this. I've changed up the first page somewhat, so hopefully it works better now. Your edits are wonderful! About half I had already done (so yay!), and the other half are excellent and are now in the draft as well. Thank you so much!

I didn't get the sense of utter blackness, because of how deftly the fighting was going on. I've been in a lot of forests, and have never been in one completely pitch black. There are always bioluminescent somethings, or fireflies, or stars, or the moon, or the reflective eyes of critters, etc. So if the fighting is going as well as it is, I assume some level of light. Hence the girl's fright comes off as personality, not setting. The options are (IMO) to either give context to her fright (the noises of swords, the creepy glowing fungi, maybe she's like, five) or have the fighting be a lot more terrifying because no one can see anything. Twelve year olds are pretty social creatures, even the shy ones. Asking the girl's name would be pretty expected, or at the very least giving her some descriptor title in lieu of that. This is a hard line to walk, because your characters may in fact just not be the kind to ask or care about that, but in order for the reader to connect with them (well, readers like me anyway), we need to see people caring about these things. This conversation comes up every so often here on RE, about writing unlikable characters and needing to find something likable in their unlikableness, or connect-able. I like a good fight scene as well. But without movement, like, substantial movement, towards a goal, a try-fail, or some type of benchmark system, I get bored. I also need to be invested in characters to want a long fight scene, and I am not yet invested in anyone in this book. The girl could have been a point to care about (although there are pitfalls with that, too), but she has no name and no story. I don't understand why our protag is fighting, really. I don't understand the world. Without the context and motivation and some type of movement, it feels like a fight just to have a fight, and not a fight that builds characters or advances story lines. Did that make sense? I know there are readers who do want just a lot of fight scenes, and if you are targeting those readers, that's cool. You won't manage to hook me and my demographic, but then again, not every book can hook everyone, and that's okay! If it matters to you, and it is your passion, write it and sub it and find the agent who also is moved by fight scenes, and find your audience. Bonus - your fight scenes are blocked well! I can actually track movements! That gives me hope for future ones, once the characters are better established.

Overall The fight dragged too long for my taste, and it was hard to keep my mind on task. I was (as you will read below), upset about the 'girl' in your narrative. From the very small set up from last chapter, I expected there to be a larger reveal and backstory. Instead, she's a sexy lampshade without even a name, being used for emotional growth of our protagonist. I think this chapter could use some 'meat'. All this fighting and we don't really get any introspection or world building from our protag, which would go a long way to helping the reader get invested. I think you cut cut at least 500 words of fight, and then turn those words into world building, and have a much more engaging narrative. P's youthful buoyancy is what I am engaged with right now. As I go - I'm unsure as to the purpose of the first paragraph. It hangs oddly and serves to throw me from the narrative before I even get invested. Might want to better integrate it - There are a lot of punctuation, spelling, and some grammar errors on page one. Just a heads up for future revisions - page four: It's hard to be invested in the girl when she has no name and no story. At this current juncture I'm not sure her relevance to the story, and therefore P's protection of her falls flat - deltoid leaves: +1 for plant nerdiness - page five: P is actively stifling any chance we, the readers, have, for getting any information from this girl. - page seven: WRS? Unsure. What are the stakes here? Why is P fighting these people? Why is he protecting this girl? Without clear stakes and direction for the narrative, it's very confusing and does not generally encourage people to keep reading - end of page nine to page ten: eehhhhh you're losing me. Girl has no agency, and her assault is triggering blood rage hero fight go. At the very least, strive for your female character to pass the Sexy Lampshade Test, if nothing else. - page ten: my fridge sensors are tingling. Please don't make me reset the counter - page twelve: good grief, she can't even recognize him from him leading her around before? - page thirteen: Well, she's still alive, so that's something. Still a lampshade, but not a lampshade in a fridge

I'm putting feelers out for an eventual alpha read of TWD. Likely a month or so away, and looking for alpha, not beta read. Anyone want to do an alpha swap in about a month?

Thank you everyone, for your thoughts! I ended up hiring a graphic artist to do really nice book business cards, simple book marks, and some pins. I'll likely only get the cards printed for now, but it's nice to have some designs handy in case I want to do cons or something. Thanks again!

Hooray! I'm happy to read another story from you! Overall I enjoyed the story overall. It was an easy read. There were typos and some tightening is needed, but I think it's pretty solid. I'm not sold on the ending (I thought it felt flat, and was hoping someone would turn into a zombie, honestly), and was waiting for a stronger twist. I also didn't care at all for the character of Chuck, but thought Barb was very well done. Thanks for a fun read! As I go - pretty engaging first page for sure - page seven: I have to say that I'm not super enthused by the main protag. The police officer had a lot more depth to her character, even with fewer pages - page ten: you have a lot of redundancy on 'fire alarm' on page ten - page 13: So I've suspended my concern about Francine, hoping you would only edge the tropes and maybe not topple into them, but the blue eyes thing on a black person I have seen slammed again and again by the PoC community. Just a heads up there. I know that yes, it does happen IRL, but from what I understand it is also a problematic trope in the 'making black people more white-like to make them more palatable/beautiful' - page 17: I really don't care for Chuck at this point, and find it very hard to empathize with him. His persistence with 'woman cop' really just makes me want to punch more than read his story. It's completely in-character for him for sure, I just can't connect with him. Although the lesbian quip on page nineteen is more deft, and I think shows a side I can at least understand. - Yeah, I much prefer Barb. Solid character there

Hi @Wisps of Aether, and welcome to the forum! We're mostly a beta reading forum, but you're most welcome to poke around as you like. We're always happy to have newbies!

Overall I'd still like to see more of the anxiety bleed back into Sam steadily as the cottoning fades. I think that would give the chapter a bit of a punch and help balance the world building with character building. Definitely reads smoother this time through! As I go - page two: ah, the mushroom analogy is much better - page three: still going to call on the 'cooked mushroom' smell, because that is very vague. Mushrooms all smell very different - page five: as the 'cotton' begins to clear, I'd expect some of his anxiety to bleed through as well - page seven: constant reference to 'white dress'. After the first time, it really should just be dress. And it does leave me wondering why no one else's clothes get perpetually mentioned.

TWD is dark adult fantasy, and also likely the result of being forced to watch too much Disney recently, thanks to my two year old daughter. This is draft zero. I’m sorry for that. Everything and anything is open to edits, but at this stage LBLs are less useful than overall feelings about tension, character development, text flow, etc. This is also my first experiment with first person, so be warned there. Also be warned that I am delving much deeper into #ownvoices land with the protag than I usually do. This chapter is rated ‘G’ for gore in the forest. @Ernei, you could just bow out when the palm tree appears to avoid it. My main goal for this chapter was to sort of tie up S’s emotional dissonance with missing the alchemy fair, and to continue to strengthen the character. Initially I wanted S to appear very hesitant in larger things, like making life decisions (hence still living with the mom). Each interaction is supposed to bring S farther into self-confidence and self-actualization, although whether that actually comes across in this chapter I am unsure. Your thoughts are most appreciated.

LOL! I'll go tomorrow, and then hide on the 20th to ensure @Robinski his place!

@Robinski you can have my spot on the 13th.

I'll drop out for anyone who wants a space.

I'm in for the 12th as well, pending space and newbies.

Oh, very fair. I'm going back into this tonight to see if I can smooth it out. Hrm, I'd be willing to do this. Might need to be in version one though. I think if I went back now to fix I'd get lost in the details. Keep flagging, please, and I'll get them all noted. Thanks, both of you!