Majestic Fox

Nice work, well done. I'm attracted to this setting and feel drawn to the characters. I think a lot of us can relate to Pen's desire for adventure and otherworldliness. Our world seems so drab sometimes. Quick question: Who is the intended audience? If it's young adult then I think it's good to be fast paced and a bit more obvious and emphatic about things. For more experienced reader I advise increasing the subtlety and letting things shine out of the subtext more than you would otherwise. Prologue Feels a bit long with too many scenes. Give me a single vivid event. Second paragraph does the same thing as the first, only better. Little too much exposition. Be more subtle in the dialogue: “Up early today—how uncharacteristic.” Unmotivated description: Without another word, he swept up to the telescope, his robe trailing behind and flowing with each step like a curtain in the breeze. ‘You can lose some of the speaker tags, since you often already know who’s talking,’ said Majestic Fox. By the end of that first scene with Dev and Pen they struck me as bunk mates… maybe students in a university. Is that right? At this point I'm not sure who these people are. I can feel the author trying to hook my curiosity. Keep in mind you’re getting feedback from a writer here. We’re more prone to spotting craft techniques than other readers. That said, I think it’s useful to point out these things. “The coloration indicates silica. Certainly glass, but that raises more questions I should think.” Feels like you’re trying too hard to build character sometimes. “And how were the ladies in the square last night? Captivating as always, I presume?” Less tell, more show. Please. (Formatting note: I'm abandoning those damned quote boxed. I'll use bold to reference your text). “Go easy on the lad, Opples,” Podlaene said, calling the master by his nickname. Redundancy. I can see it's his nickname. Are you writing third limited? I feel like Pen's perspective needs to be stronger. Occasionally there are bits of This unmotivated bit of exposition that jar me out of his shoes. E.g. The pursuit of science was often a passion which reinforced isolation. This bit is interesting: He couldn’t help but feel that the next step for him was somewhere within the city of glass atop the aerland. You're getting closer to the heart of the character here. Pen feels drawn to this city. But why? What is it about his culture and who he is as a person that has created this desire in him? Go deep. I want to feel his sense of wonder and desire to reach this city. The sooner you get that into the story the better since you're drawing us into the character and setting at the same time, as well as establishing the tone of the story - a fantasy adventure that will fill me with awe and wonder, right? : ) Okay, you've switched POV to Lianye. She seems interesting. I'm keen to learn more about who she is and where she is. Redundancy. She was focused on the gleaming spires atop the new aerland, which had appeared without warning overnight. (We already know they appeared without warning overnight). Okay, I've already written way more than I intended. I'm going to read through your text again and summarise my impressions... Here's what I think the story needs: Stronger point of view Make me care about the characters first and foremost - any talk of legends is irrelevant to me otherwise Slow the pace a little. Increase the immersion. A few extra thoughts for good measure: I like this: The wave was stunted by an unseen force which formed an invisible perimeter—surf bending around her to rush up the beach. Rendevere took another step backward to avoid soaking his boots, the wave reaching where he had been just moments before. It soon flowed back out to sea, leaving a patch of packed, damp sand beneath Lianye. It evokes setting and character in an indirect way. More of that kind of thing please. What’s Missing: · Early insight into Pen’s psyche – his inner world. What does this mean to him? What emotions are evoked? What internal conflict? (You don’t need interneral conflict, but give us more of an insight) · Scene with Pen and Dev: minor white room syndrome here. Conjure a sense of place – an atmosphere. I want to be immersed in your world. This scene feels airy. Indistinct. You can sacrifice some of your pace for immersion.

Silk, I've just submitted. Looking forward to reading everyone's work.

This is the first chapter an epic fantasy I've been prewriting a while now. I have stubborn internal editor. The biggest danger for me is excessive rewriting. I need schedule pressure, otherwise things just don't get finished. Hoping that Reading Excuses will help with this. Aside from general feedback, it would be useful to know what you predict will happen next in the story.

Haha - it amuses me to imagine that as a veiled insult. Not sure why : )

Hmm. Do you think there any danger to revising chapter by chapter? I do this myself, and consider it a double edged sword. Haha - I can relate to that. Well done for getting this far. I hope you finish it.

Thanks. Okay. Hahah. Silk used to be my favourite character, but looking back I think Eddings made him a bit too awesome. He's a spy, an acrobat, a merchant, a thief. He's witty, charming, outrageously persuasive. His self deprecation was much needed. Anyway, I can feel myself on the brink of a Silk essay so I'd best stop there.

I offer to you an outrageous and probably inaccurate suggestion: An experienced writer's first draft will not be as good as a less experienced writer's first draft. The experienced writer is able to crank down their internal editor and let the story flow out of them. The less experienced writer (me) cannot yet do this. They go back, rework and polish, spending five times as long on a chapter that might not even make the final draft. Does anyone else struggle with this? For me it comes from wanting too hard to write a good story. I want the first draft to read well - to feel inspired by what I've written. This desire can really slow things down. But if you take the other approach and turn your internal editor right down, then you might end up reading your first draft and thinking Oh no - that took ages and 90% of it will have to be destroyed. How do you deal with your internal editor? Can it help you in the first draft? What percentage of your first draft typically makes the final draft? Thanks.

@ Robinski My secret hypothesis was wrong then. I thought that NaNo might have forced a pace of writing that ended up working against you (i.e. pressure to hit the wordcount could mean sacrificing the necessary prewriting). Do you think that's a legitimate danger? Waifs and Strays sounds like it should be nearing completion at 96,000 words then. Have you had a three quarter meltdown? (That thing where the doubt gets you).

That's interesting. Why do you think you didn't keep writing it after NaNo? I think you've persuaded me. I'll give it a try this coming November. In terms of critiquing, I'm pretty familiar with how Brandon and co advise going about it. For myself, I really wouldn't mind if folk gave me as little as one sentence feedback. As long as I have a deadline that helps me keep writing, I'll be happy. That said, if you feel like editing the b'jesus out of it, go right ahead : ) Agreed. What was it Hemingway said? The first draft of everything is rust. Looking forward to reading your work (in no way puts pressure on you to write something brilliant ; ))

Sounds good. Silk aka Prince Kheldar, I suppose? I love that character.

Sure, why not.

I'd like to submit the first chapter of my epic fantasy novel, please. If it's full up for the coming week I'm still happy to give feedback for others. Thanks : )

Thanks Robinski. I haven't tried NaNoWriMo. I know Dan Wells recommends it. The idea of writing a novel in just one month terrifies me, which is another reason to dive in and go for it. I'm writing epic fantasy (which is by far and away my favourite genre), so the first book is likely to be around 100,000 words. That's about 3,300 per day for the month of November. Hmm... kind of attainable, but my daily goal at the moment is only one thousand, and sometimes that takes eight hours. damnation that internal editor. My goal is to have a first draft finished by September 18th this year - my 30th birthday. Maybe I'll use NaNoWriMo to finish a rewrite.

Thanks for the welcome, folks. No. In reality I am a drab and boring human. This fox is all I have. Blackadder is great : )

Hi folks, Here's my intro from that other thread. I'll elaborate here.. Like you, I love fantasy. I think the world needs it. Really like how Brandon describes it as the language of imagination. One of my favourite authors is Robin Hobb - really admire the psychological and emotional depth she brings to her characters. I've been writing since I was eleven. I've finished plenty of short stories and film scripts. Attempted a couple of longer works including a fantasy novel, but I have never finished a novel. This is my goal. Been prewriting / researching an epic fantasy for a couple of years and I'm feeling excited about it. I'm a slow writer and not very good at cranking down my internal editor. I have a tendency to re-write early chapters. Part of the reason I'm here is to create some schedule pressure and force myself to produce a bit quicker. Hope I can help others out along the way : )

Hello all. Glad to be amongst fellow lovers of fantasy and science fiction. I heard about this place from Writing Excuses - such a great podcast. Anyway, I'm a writer based in the UK. My main reason for joining is to be part of the weekly chapter submissions group. I've been working on a fantasy novel for some time now and could with a bit of schedule pressure. I also make films. Just finished a short film for the sci-fi-london.com/48-hour-film-challenge which you can see here: https://vimeo.com/124840231. Looking forward to meeting you.