stormvisions

Well I never heard it mentioned so glad I saw this post. Will give it a whirl. Thanks.

Hi. That's good news. I used Safari on Windows 7. In any case it looks like it has best to wait a bit. Feel your pain though.

Probably a little late for that. The 'pitch-forkers' and the 'pitch-forkees' are already running around the castle. On a side note I'm still in the midst of trade show season, and this year the company I work for is attending many more small ones which is why I haven't read or submitted recently. Hopefully things will lighten up by the end of May or they'll need to clone me.

@Robinski *chuckle*

Just finished Elantris and Words of Radiance back to back. Awesome stuff. There always seems to be so much going on in Brandon's work that it makes my writing look like a dinner of a stale pretzel and an onion slice (sitting besides his full course and glorious meal). I also started reading "The City" by Dean Koontz yesterday. He remains one of my favorite all time writers. There is a bit of magic in this latest book and some deep insight into the human heart. There is also what I'd call, in my admittedly unlettered and unsophisticated way, literary prose - or prose that at least dances in my mind in ways similar to the works of authors considered literary writers. Dean has always been a special favorite of mine, with a corner all to himself. He seems to be a little 'outside the stream' to me. Even when there is some tiny bit that I might not love, I find his work to be truly extraordinary and bordering in places on the sublime.

I guess you may have to research at least a little and look at different types of mental instability. As outsiders looking in we tend to lump people into large groups and label them "odd" "crazy" "weirdo" "dangerous" etc but the internal dynamics - the causative effects (?) or internal dynamics of individuals within each of those broadly labeled groups probably varies wildly. I think you need to dig more deeply into what the world is like for your character (are they delusional etc) and you can then use (and possible show through internal dialogue) what is going on in their mind, and how they perceive the world, to generate believable and consistent behaviors - which may seem inconsistent to 'normal' people (as if such a thing existed) but really have there own type of consistency; there is a reason why people with a particular problem react a particular way and it is probably valid from their particular frame of reference. In part episodes of the podcast they have talked about similar issues - like people with disabilities. You want to try to step into those shoes for just a bit and imagine what the world looks like from their eyes.

I use PageFour by http://www.badwolfsoftware.com/ which works well for my needs. Currently $39. It has the basic editing and some other tools (archive, word count etc), allows you to save snapshots of documents (say before a change which you might want to roll back), archive versions, you can select one or more pages and export them as a single document (for example you want to send someone three different chapters as a single Word document) - or you can save them as individual files. Behind the scenes they are RTF but I believe they can be imported/exported to others (and Word handles RTF's anyway). Here's a quick snapshot of my organization but it is basically a simple folder structure and you can have multiple books.

Ok here is another workaround if you want older items.. Using the Safari browser again I find you can go to the individual year archives and subscribe as described above. The format is like below. Try changing the year and you should be able to subscribe to all the years you need. http://www.writingexcuses.com/2010/feed/ this got me subscribed to season 5 though it looks like it might only get the first 9 or so of each season, unless you are willing to also add the month parameter and subscribe by year/month blocks http://www.writingexcuses.com/2010/05/feed/ which got me May 2010's items (the months all have to be 2 digit i.e.'02')

I do note that if I open Safari and paste the url into the address bar http://www.writingexcuses.com/feed/podcast/ then pick from the right sidebar "Subscribe in iTunes' I get a list of the last 10 episodes and am able to download those 10. I right clicked on the podcast name in iTunes and 'Mark all as unplayed' and it downloaded them right away.

Made notes on your doc and emailed - sorry but was the quickest way and done during lunch break at work. I'll be buried for the next 3 weeks in prep for some tradeshows and after that hope to crit more people's work. I only lifted my head up for this because you have been so generous with your critiques on these forums. Awesome work.

Hi. Been a couple weeks since I read - in the midst of trade show season at work and I have been overloaded with assignments+stress. A few more weeks of this and then I can breath again. :/ I only read a bit of this today, but already at work so hope my few remarks are helpful. As I read this first bit I wonder if it might be a good place to try a different POV character. In the WE podcast Brandon and the rest do discuss this as a way to make chapters where not a lot is happening more interesting. For example in Mistborn he does one bit from the PoV of a guard on the wall I believe, rather than yet another section describing Vin traveling through the air from point A to point B. So here perhaps you could consider a first person PoV by Nidintu for example. This would allow people to get to know her a little bit and spice up the tramping through the grass. For example "Nidintu used the Bushkari blade to clear the hookthorn plant from the path. Wouldn't want one of these tenderfoots to stick their foot. She looked back and saw Kisare carefully stepping over the wickedly spiked branches. That girl is a strange one. Again, I am greener than the grass in your story so this is just a random thing to consider.

Have you tried navigating to writingexcuses.com and following the links to the itunes podcast from their - I click and the links seem good when I do. Perhaps you can do that and subscribe that way?

Hi Mandamon. I thought this was a good chapter and solid overall. I'll add a few nit-picky things to what Sprouts said. This line sounds off to me. Perhaps get rid of 'Even' and do something like "The little elder standing beside Kisa appeared surprised by the comments. Apparently Ku-Baba ... This is just off the cuff, so not sure. These in red basically all say the same thing. I would either remove them, or say it one time at the beginning i.e. "The old tales tell us that before those..." I like the idea of what you are trying to do with this, but it is a tiny bit confusing or not quite smithed right. I don't have a quick answer. I think a few simple phrases like this might be useful if worked in from the beginning of the book (maybe you did I don't remember it being used, or at least not often enough that I remember). Just don't overuse as I imagine it is like writing accents where it puts people off. This might be a better place for using a gardening phrase. i.e. Belili knew her sister thought she was a loose leaf (or a loose leaf in the wind) I'd just leave it "At least that scar was physical" My first impression here, is that give the gravity of the situation (the potential loss of their own magic) Hbelu would first look at the other elders since this would affect all of them (unless he is the ultimate ruler). I think this needs some slight reworking. For one 'not its worth' is unlikely something she could determine from his looks. She might, however, notice that he 'gazed it with a sense of wonder' or something like that. I see what you are doing here (establishing Hbelu's interest) but "as if the rest of the world didn't exist." doesn't work here (and might be a little cliche). Hbelu could seem 'overly interested' in Kisa's response perhaps. In any case Belil would notice his outward expression i.e. he gazed too intently, or his eyes drfted down, or he seemed flustered or spoke to fast which told Belil that there was something else at work here. Hope that helps clarify. Show this instead. i.e. "Belili hesitated, her displeasure obvious, but said" something like that. Perhaps '...showing no sign he was aware of their...' '...they ate greens, fruit, and the meat of...' Belili watched as Hbelu ... I think and '...Kisa didn't seem to notice..' I like the word, but perhaps 'grumbled' would fit here. Anyway as I said, just nit picking stuff. Hope you find it useful. Good job.

Ok, well I like 5 as well. This is good stuff. I think as I read this that the little problem in parts of this is that some of the moments have too much clarity? Not sure I am explaining it well but I'd just reread each line and make sure that any description, from outside Taras is minimal and does not dilute the tension (does he really need to know about what's in the quote at this moment of struggle? and if so, how much of it? Keep it lean and mean until he is at a point to think clearly. If you need the Melor reference for later, then perhaps you can have him hallucinate. 'Taras could see Melor running beside him but wait... Melor wasn't a kid anymore. Still, he swung his stick at Melor and they battled as they reenacted the great battles, laughing and ...' Hope that clarifies. Might be best to see as much as possible through his eyes as you do the wolves later. Especially since as he hallucinates and comes under the effect of the poison he is less aware of the real world outside, so stepping to a PoV or descriptive text outside of him waters down the effect. I think you have a great write in the works here. Thumbs up.

I can see you did that 5% stuff in chapter 5 so good - you just may want to begin hinting at it in the 5% section I mention above to avoid any lag.

Ok just got through chapter 4, will review 5 in a moment. So 4 is a great chapter. Congratulations. You manage to keep up the tension through 95% of it very effectively (I'll address the 5% in a second). The few things I have are mostly nitpicks or word-smithing stuff. I'll mention them and you can address or ignore as it is just my opinion. Sunlight pierced his eyelids. Perhaps 'slipped' or 'seeped' or another word. Slunk is past tense of slink, and also slink/slunk evokes stealth. Also perhaps it should be 'into his legs' or other 1st person specific. Lose, change or explain taunting. ie Taunting him with what? (ie. barely seen shapes) but you can probably just lose it. Lose little hands or rewrite the sentence as it is momentarily confusing ie. "the water pulled at him like little hands, tugging him downstream I'd lose 'Great' and 'Practically' and just leave 'everything hurt' through his mind or through his memory perhaps? I'd lose 'their dreams' in this case 'their inner desires' is enough maybe even if I do. Starting in this area - perhaps a little before and a little after- is where the 5% I mentioned at the start applies. The tension is slacking a little for me. It is mostly because he is doing the stuff but the sense of peril has receded a little. You mentioned that the venom might show him his inner desires, or induce hallucinations. You might use after he falls into the stream 'ie as he stood the world bent. On the bank a huge beast munched fire ... no wait, that was Alph. The venom was starting to take effect. There was a circle of darkness around the edges of his vision, as if he was looking at the world through a hole in a dirty rag. And he was getting chilled from the water. Great. " You don't have to use this, I'm just trying to illustrate the point of tension. I'll try to fight off the others waiting on the computer and do chapter 5 now. Awesome job.

fyi I got buried in work and haven't had a chance to review. I will when I can dig out. :/

Well, unlike the post by Robinski (entitled Brevity) which sparked this my writing responses to the prompt seem pretty long. Rather than junk up this thread how about I post links to the 'homework' on my site? It is probably too much to read, but perhaps some bits may entertain (I think I may actually spin some of these into short stories at some point as the lessons progress). Writing Excuses 10.1: Seriously, Where Do You Get Your Ideas? Writing Excuses 10.2: I Have an Idea; What Do I Do Now? I will post one of my favorites from 10:2 - just because it was fun to write (and you might not have time to read the rest). John is a lean mean fighting machine. He is positively bursting with health. The doctor has told him that unless he has an accident he's going to live a thousand years. He can feel life around him, an electric current in his every step. He imagines the suns rays bouncing down and filling him with its power. The only problem is, John doesn't want to live forever. All of his old girlfriends have turned into geriatrics, pursuing him frantically with walkers and little whining electric vehicles whenever he goes out. He's been forced into mandatory retirment and is receiving floods of mail from AARP and other old folk magazines, touting the benefits of bunion soaks, toilet seat cushions and anti-bacterial denture solutions. He starts to eat fattening and unhealthy foods and lay on the coach all day. After a few weeks of gustatorial and arterial abuse he notices that a woman, with a tall blue beehive of hair mounded on her head, and a growling Bichon Frise, walks past his house every morning. As John's body falls into decrepitude, and he develops age appropriate shortness of breath and aching joints, he notices the 'beehive lady' passes more frequently. She walks with a decidedly militant stride - that is almost a goose step - a golden water tank with a sprayer strapped to her back. John also notices that the dog, is actually more of a cloud riding cherub of some sort, and eventually he becomes convinced that the blue haired lady is in fact, Life, determined to not let John escape his fate (a result of some celestial bet or Heavenly quota perhaps). As he peeks out the window he sees that this heavenly foot soldier is in fact spraying some sort of 'life juice' into his water supply! John is enraged. He waddles across the carpet to confront the startled - and glowing - blue-haired lady. The angry little cherub begins fitting arrows to his little golden bow with a decidedly unangelic sneer.

I thought this was a solid piece of writing. The story is interesting enough to keep me reading. A few minor points (nit picky in some cases). Why not use this as an opportunity to describe the room a bit? Ie the sun bounced off a beautifully ornate dresser, its wooden surface polished to a gem like luster. It is a new setting. Instead of colorless what about drab? Hard to visual 'colorless' You use Hbelu's name a lot in this paragraph and it might be more natural to note that all wore similar clothing, rather than comparing to Hbelu ie. all were dressed in similar [coarse, finely stitched, colorful or other descriptor] leather clothing’ Even though it may be obvious that it he must have traded his wet for dry clothes it might be better to say ‘ Hbelu was freshly dressed, his hair etc’ Not sure why but feels better. another area that might bear a tiny bit more description. I can imagine what the 'desired shape' may be but it is a new setting and a tiny bit more detail might be useful if these vine chairs haven't been described elsewhere. A little awkward. '...her sisters eyes, both of them...' could almost refer to the eyes. This is also a little awkward sentence and needs to be revised. Try reading it out loud. Here response seems odd. It might be better something like "Odd. It seems these ‘savages’ have Is there another sound that might be better for a man with aird-like build? Definition of snort "an explosive sound made by the sudden forcing of breath through one's nose, used to express indignation, derision, or incredulity." So would seem better for a big person but you could also say something like 'snorted, a sound out of proportion to his small birdlike body' confusing as a mere plaything perhaps? hmmm... needs to be refined, something throws me off. Might be better 'uncertainly' instead of frowning, or 'possesively.' All in all a good write and an interesting story.

Not to hijack Robinski's thread but I had been thinking others could do the writing excuses lessons and post the links to a pinned forum. I've dne the first two already and am finding them useful.

Well I didn't work out all the math, but it is an interesting concept - and a good set up to have done in only 150 words. There are a lot of possibilities both comic and dramatic. The drama could be substantial as I think on it. I saw two or three episodes of Ascension and they explore some of those.

I am making a list of all suggested changes and sitting down to begin an editing pass on this chapter. I am also going to consider the fight scene some more - it was an experiment and I may rewrite it a few ways to see what works best. I also noted a couple errors myself - for example the assassin pulls an axe out of the back of one of the bodies and kills the mercenaries but - duh! - someone might find it suspicious that one of the attackers weapons was used to kill several of the attackers. I'll need to use the Duke's or one (or more) of the other noble's weapons. Thanks again for the detailed critique. It makes it easy to parse out a list of items that I can review, and would have missed myself.

@LerroyJenkins - you gain some things and you lose some with age. As @Robinski states youth is not a barrier, nor does age guarentee success (else all old folk would be rich and famous, and ambling about with gold walkers and chewing with jewel encrusted dentures - at least I would I could only wish to have the wild success of a Christopher Paolini. You have what is needed.

@Robinski First off - thank you for such a kind, detailed and well thought out critique. You raise so many good points that my response to your critique would need to be twice as long as my submitted material to do it justice. I'll have to limit myself to a simple thank you and assuring you that I am going to eagerly review my material based on your insightful comments. I will say I am having a go at the outlining and high level concept. The chapters have always felt a little too much like individual loosely connected scenes as I have written them. There is an over arching story, but I have just been dipping into the stream at different locations. I do need to push the story along. I like your suggestion about leading with Dulcet, I'm going to put some thought into that. As I mentioned I think I am in love with too many characters and will have to either trim that way down or learn to write a story with multiple characters effectively - I lack the skill right now but I did note that in the final Wheel of Time book Brandon Sanderson\ Robert Jordan, especially in the final mega-whumping battle, effectively juggle a large amount of characters effectively. I can't handle that but maybe I can learn enough to keep a few, or perhaps two couples .... anyway once I do get the outline I may see that one character can do it all - so I will try to break the wall I've built for myself. I haven't read any of your writing yet but look forward to doing so if you are still posting (it sounds like you are pretty far along at 90k). Thank you. ------------- @LerroyJenkins - thank you. I"- or cursed" You are right. I actually trimmed that section a little and lost the break. Nice catch. You actually picked out several stumbling words and phrases and I will revisit them all on a rewrite. Like I said to Robinski, your crit probably deserves an equally long response but I will just say thank you and use your suggestions to get back to work. 3:30?! That's dedication. Thank you very much.

I won! I won! Hey, wait-a-minit ...