stormvisions

Sorry I see when I exported the chapters from PageFour I included a very short (couple hundred words) additional chapter "Piglio, Chatter and the Mountain" feel free to comment or ignore that one as well. :/

I hadn't really considered this topic before, but -as I digest my lunch here at work (in the final minutes of mental freedom)- I will try to grapple with it using my one free hand (the other is engaged in three fingered typing). I think I agree (in my admitedly meager not-yet-a-writer way) that Brandon might not have an overpowering and distinctive voice in the way that it is typically defined but, like spoken language, communication and good storytelling go beyond voice. If there is one thing I am trying to learn from Brandon it is the complex weaving of his plots, sub-plots, magic, worldbuilding, dialogue and themes etc. (The magic system in Mistborn seemed very inventive to me). The characters were believable, they tried, failed, suffered and grew in ways that I could accept despite the fantastical setting. The world was interesting and cohesive. I recently saw a BYUtv "Call of Story" http://www.byutv.org/watch/6b6c3ccb-68e2-4d34-baf3-da2c482714c3/call-of-story-call-of-story (worth seeing) and it becomes apparent that the storytellers 'true voice' is much more than the modulation of his vocal cords. What I am trying to say, in my clumsy way, is that Brandon's voice is powerful and distinctive if you take in the entirety of his storytelling. For some writers a single aspect is so notable that it immediatedly draws the focus of our attention, but in Brandon's case there seems to be a more even focus on many aspects of the writing. So it is either hard to emulate -or perhaps just hard for us to recognize the emulation, since no one element calls excessive attention to itself. Does that make sense, or was it just my lunch speaking (weight watcher's microwave dinner)?

Thanks for the feedback. The heading was sort of foreshadowy but I confess to not being certain about using it. Dulcet will eventually discover a power related to her work. Actually moon flower is a drug and it should have said 'moon waned' not wand. *thump on head* I was thinking the drug effects intensified based on the phase of the moon but not hardwired on this, my main point is the drug use and the moon would be an interesting way of control the ebb and flow of the druggies (but not fully formed idea in my head). Thanks for the PoV analysis. I am sill struggling with PoV as I make the transition from reading to writing. It isn't something I ever conciously considered so it is still an ill-fitting shoe.

A good write, read it through until the end on a break at work. Not sure if I have time to comment on everything but here goes ... "The man laughed as he burned. It was a harsh laugh. A mocking laugh." Maybe something like "It was a harsh laugh tinged with fear. A mocking laugh filled with desperation" The reason is because his response I get the wrong impression from a harsh mocking laugh - doesn't sound like disbelief of his situation but as superiority. What is Mort's attitude towards what she is seeing (the burning)? Is she repuled or horrified? Her response seems too neutral and cold even -not sure if that was your intent. “Mooorrt. What you grimacin’ for?” Late, drunk, and no gear. What do you think? His hands scrambled across the pavement as he flipped himself over and tried to push himself up off the ground. “Oh you’re a tricky road aren’t ya.” He cackled to the ground. The ground didn’t respond. If only he wasn’t the best thief this side of the mountains. I’d kick him halfway across the tundra." not sure about grimacin - I usually see grimacing used 'he grimaced in pain' (not sure what that is called but as a sort of 'disconnected descriptor', rather than in dialogue "why are you grimacing?" In might read better to do something like "what's with the face? or 'what's with the troll in a bear trap yowling?' or some such. 'flipped himself over' sounds coordinated to me, might be better to say something like 'he rolled himself over' or 'flipped himself over using a uncoordinated series of pushes, wiggles and flopping motions if he is drunk (and hence uncoordinated) "The ground didn’t respond." might be better something like 'he seemed confused when the ground didn’t respond.' "He had a cloth bundle" you probably need a descriptor like 'a huge cloth bundle' or a different word than bundle. To me, bundle conjours the image of a tight effecient package - but that might just be me. Maybe even 'he strained to support the massive bundle grasped by" ? Sorry I'm at work so can't review a lot more but i do want to suggest you add some more 'sensory descriptors' (other than visual) - for example 'the bundle clickned as he put it down' 'she caught a whiff of his fetid breath as he smiled.' 'the grafiti covered wall smelled of urine' 'she felt the heat of the fire' etc. It seems at this quick read that you are focusing mainly on visual senses and would be richer if you tied in more senses. Looking forward to the next chapter. Keep writing.

Hi Mandamon. All in all I found this to be a good write. The action section, where the girls and the hunter are eluding the pursuers is well written and interesting. Some very minor points to consider... "plucking the arrow from its neck" I don't believe an arrow that penetrated deep enough to kill could be 'plucked' out - which sounds too effortless to my ears (like plucking a feather or an eyebrow) so perhaps tugged? ""You can come out now, sisters. " does he call them sisters in the way that people in church might call each other brother and sister? If not how does he know their relationship? "Still, he spoke their language." how about "still it was close enough that they could understand him" or something like that? "You are free to do what you want." the rest of his speech seems a little more 'proper' so perhaps this should be something like "You are free to do as you wish."? "So…are you helping…us now?" this bit, now that they are already running, seems a tiny bit off to my ears. Perhaps "Thanks for helping us" followed by his denial that he is doing it for them? "I thought you weren't going to--oof." again, considering she is running for her life and terrified I'd imagine, her stuborn or contrary nature seems unnatural here. What I'm trying to say is that our survival instinct (fight or flight) is more primal and takes precedence over most of those character quirks. It is an instinct hard wired into the most primitive part of our brain while the other 'learned behavior' stuff is laid on top. Keep up the good work. The hair and fruit magic stuff seemed a little odd to me at first - only because they are ordinary items I see every day so it took a little while to see them differently, but the story has continued to grow on me. This was the most interesting chapter so far (to me) and I look forward to your next bit.

These are 3 sample chapters I am considering using a writing samples for a contest. I would like to refine all three and would appreciate reviews of any and all aspects as I want to make the best possible impression that I can with whatever revision I can do in about a week. The Dinner Theatre chapter is action based and violent, though hopefully only enough to tell the story. The Dulcet's Hammer's chapter I am using as an example of descriptive language. I added a somewhat 'flowery' italic section, as a chapter header I guess it is called. I'm not sure if it is helpful, I was afraid it might be too purple but I thought it might be helpful it setting the stage for the character. I thought the Dragon Hawk chapter might show my meager dialoge and character stuff to good advantage. Please review any individual one or all three as time allows. All critiques are welcome. Thanks, Burt

I'd like to sign up for Monday if that is still available. I have three short bits which I want to use as writing samples and could use critique on every aspect of the writing from grammar on up as want to polish these to as near a professional level as my skills allow. I'll put them in one document with a brief explanation if needed - though each should stand reasonably well on its own as a writing sample. I would be glad for review of all three, or any individual piece as time time allows (assuming a slot is available). The chapters are 1500, 1000 and 700 words respectively so the total comes in at 3200.

Oops sorry, closed the window.... here's some more minor stuff ... "The Mercen River lay below. Though it could scarcely be called a river anymore. The water level had lowered so much recently that it was more of a serpentine trail of smooth rocks sticking out of a couple feet of slow moving water." doesn't fit as written in an action sequence maybe something like "A serpentine trail of smooth rocks jutted from the unusually low waters of the Mercen River below him." Too much description in the midst of the action seems t slow it down. "Flashes of light and sound continued to burst from above Athalin, increasing in tempo. Fireworks! The river sparkled as if fireflies danced above it. Saved by fireworks." Ok, so they are fireworks. I think this needs to be made clear early on - ie "The celebratory fireworks from Oshkosh, cast strange shadows and caused most of the smaller animals to remain hidden. The smell of gunpowder and phosphors drifting on the night air masked ..." At work so that's all I have time for. Perhaps see if you can trim some of the thinking a little, just to keep up the tension. All in all a good write.

Hi. I liked this so far. I'll echo what Mandamon said - some good worldbuilding and interesting enough to keep me wanting to read. Some minor stuff ... "They were a high risk, high reward prey." This doesn't work here and might want to review the whole paragraph a little. You start with "Jack rarely hunted them." but then it seems to jump back and forth a little -in my mind- as to whether it is desirable or not to hunt them. They can kill you but they are valueable, but you could die a horrible death from poison, but you will get honor if you get one .... hope that makess sense. "...doubtlessly have successfully caught one already..." caught sounds like live capture to me, or catching a fish. 'Killed' or 'killed and dismembered', or 'brought one down' maybe? "Suddenly, an orb of multicolored light exploded above Athalin" is this a magical event, or fireworks? How high above Athalin's head ie high in the sky above ..."? Clarify. "Soon now. Very soon" you might try without this. In fact I imagine that if he saw this thing leap out of the bushes he wouldn't have a 'thinking' reaction but something more visceral. "Jack saw sudden movement in his peripheral vision. His heart raced. Crouching quickly he shielded his eyes as another explosion echoed nearby. The bushkil burst from its hiding place in a flurry of leaves."

I would like to release my slot for Monday if that is ok Silk. The piece I was going to submit is a bit old now and I am rethinking parts of my pantsing start. I am reading David Farland's Million Dollar Outlines and think I need to have at least some define parts the help guide the story in a more cohesive and satisfying way. I am not 100% sure that chapter as-is will make it into the final book so don't want to waste the slot. Thank you. I'll submit something new when I've worked on this a bit more.

Part of my New Year's resolution for 2014 was to begin to write. For reasons unknown to my waking mind, I began to break the ice with bad poems on Wattpad. I think it was because -in part- I find them a short enough form that I can quickly write them. This may cause real poets to cover their mouths and shake their heads - great writing requires dedication and time spent - but these verbal sketches, while quickly drawn, did get me writing and in that regard they have achieved their purpose. And so I thought I would torture you with a couple from my Wattpad page. Hopefully you will enjoy them. If not I hope they at least give you the satisfaction of saying "Heh, I write better than THAT guy!" The Mismatched Man Old Oak

I believe I do think of the whole world when I speak of it, but that is a little deceptive and fuzzy around the edges. I think if I had to describe it better it would look more like a heat or choropleth map (I confess I had to look up the name). The 'hot' spots of identification would probably revolve around my latino heritage, my 'Americanism' though not nessacerily the prototypical white American (if there is such a thing), other poor minority communities around the world and finally all the rest in degrading shades and color intensity. I think this identification with others is like one of those items of headgear that mad scientists wear in some movies - where there are a series of magnifying glasses over their eyes, that they rotate as they try to get a closer and closer look ("hmmmm, the brain seems mishappen...Wahhahahhaha!" *evil laughter*). The first lens I use is probably the lens with which I see myself, so I think I first see others with whom I can easily identify. Then I flick through other lenses, representing the other ways in which I categorize people and the world - race, creeds, tolerance, environs, and whatever other categories are floating around up there- and that patchwork quilt is what I mean when I say "the people of the world" rather than some sort of smoothly blended fabric. That's just my honest assesment. It probably isn't the best way to view the world. I do strive to see everyone the same and I recognize the warps and bubbles on the lenses I use - products of my own life experiences.

Not a problem. Have a Happy Holiday.

Well it seems you are off to a good start. The world you describe is interesting enough as is the magic. The unexpected appearance of the girl in the shadowcast and the banter is good. My only suggestion, as always is that you make another pass or two to clean up the gramar, perhaps tightening up some of it - to see if you can reduce it all by 1/3 or so. While interesting, after the initial fight it slows down quite a bit. If there are other things you can put in there - rivalries, hints of other things that will be happening and so on you could pep it up a bit. Anyway, a good start. Keep writing.

I have one chapter at about 2000 words. If there are slots this week and people dying to read, I can post it - otherwise I can send it on Monday. Please let me know what you prefer - and Happy Holiday.

Well, you have the genesis of a good story. I think the classes are interesting and the finding of a rare type (Zenith) points to interesting possibilities. The one thing I think could be reworked (and there may be a word for this but I don't know it) is your tendency to 'lead' the reader too much or to 'tell' them more information than you need to, in order to convey the image. So instead of telling them how angry the person had been, and how someone had walked a way and said all this, then she was frustrated, but also etc you might just Sorry, I'm not sure I can explain very easily what I mean but people understand emotions well enough that you can let the reader figure out some stuff from the actions occuring. You don't have to lead them by telling them each step 'she got angry, then she got happy, then he was frustrated etc' they can get some of that from slamming, stomping, pushing, scowling, yelling - and it makes more interesting reading than passive(?) telling. Keep writing.

Thanks for the critique -also very useful. I think I do have to make some decisions on POV. I tend to get into everyone's head - and there are more characters you haven't met. I even have one chapter where a rat is running across the street and was in the rat's head - not sure why but I'll need to make some decisions. As for the old man by the fire, I originally thought of this as a somewhat different story of an old man bringing a book with a series of short stories reflective of some key virtues (honesty etc). I started to pants the 'outer' story of the old man delivering this book of stories to this kingdom in peril and this is what popped out. Anyway thanks. I'll need to put some thought into this before I keep firing.

Thanks very much. This is useful critique. Part of what you mention is the very reason I came to the forum. I will have to work on a bit more of an outline to tighten the story and keep it somewhat directed.

I just jumped in here with these two chapters so here are some random things which I hope are useful. -the story does seem interesting enough to have kept me reading. -the fight scenes are a little too abbreviated - in particular the first fight has very little detail. You could give it at least a line or two, which might even make the second fight with the Brute more notable by virtue of the contrast. The exchange between Tolero, Ferox and Aurelia in the section with “At least you don’t have to worry about getting chosen.” confused me - it seems obviously he would be chosen? Also in the previous section when you describe the 'morning after' the party maybe you could show the effects more, rather than telll them. One of the recruits bumping into the one ahead as he walked with his head down, a couple of guys sitting in corners holding their heads, one guy seemed to have his shirt on inside out, etc. Describe the fumbling, red eyes and other details and sort of show how they are feeling if that makes sense. I think that same rule might be good elsewhere. For example you really don't have to say 'leaving the girl read faced with embaressment' I think. You could probably just say her face reddened if the reason for that reaction can be made obvious from the other things going on. Then 'Tolero said not bothering to hide his irritation. ' could be Tolero said, his brows dropping to a scowl. or 'as he slammed the table with his open palm.' Does that make sense? Rather than describing their emotion, describe the clues that will let the reader guess or intuit their emotions. This next bit I hope I can explain right ... In chapter 2 Priscus's emotions or character is confusing to me - he seems alternately insecure, then perhaps a little insensitive as he slaps the girl in the cart, then he seems very concerned for her as he put her in the bed, then he seems relaxed as he talks to the girl giving her information, then when he 'says 'Quiet boy, it's to early to be yelling' he seems more middle aged to me.... in short his character or nature seems to vary too much to my reading. I think you need to have a clear idea of who he is (maybe keeping someone you know in mind) and his responses should match that personality. Hope that makes sense. An interesting world so far. Good luck.

Similar to calcareous corals but the difference is that corals build an external housing and the polyp lives within. The new generation builds on top of the empty 'housing.' The glass sponges have an internal silica skelton. In a way it is like the 'kandra' from Mistborn - the creature grows/internalizes the 'bones' of the previous generation (if I understand what I read right). It is amazing that they located the 'bones' of 40 million year old glass reefs to colonize. They also transfer electrical impules unusually fast and supposedly are eternal or live 15,000-23,000 years depending on what you read. Anyway I probably went a little too far down the rabbit hole on this.

I'm new and first critique. Feedback on chapter 2-3. I'm a little confused -especially in the 'indoor' portion of the scene by who is doing what and has POV. For example "Aricaba-Ata seemed all-powerful to Belili, but she hadd heard other slaves,..." makes me think we are in Belili has the POV but the sentences after indicate otherwise. I think you might need to clarify a little in some spots to make sure you 'hand off' the dialogue so we know who is speaking. So instead of 'she said' a few more direct attributions (if this is the right word) 'Anu turned her head and said..." - you do it but I think you might guide the reader a bit more just because there seem to b a lot of people involved i.e. "Lora pulled the chain forcing Anna to stumble and yell 'Hey you old witch!' before slapping Rita whose head rocked back ...' Not sure if this is clear. The outside scene is clearer - perhaps because there are less people. "Belili looked at the magical slice of Fruit in her hand, then quickly up at Tia. The wet surface tingled against her fingers like a tiny lightning strike. Tia was frozen, " Unless you explained this magic in the first chapter this is confusing. I had no idea what happened here until a few sentences later. Also it seems to jar with the next section - which seems to indicate that the magic came from chewing the apple or from the juice - so where did the freezing come from? Again, if explained in chapter 1 then ignore. "As soon as a slave's baby got his or her first hairs, they were bleached on a weekly basis. Some slaves might have magical coloring in their hair, but there was no way to tell. It was almost certainly death to steal Fruit, but it was immediate execution for a slave and their entire family for one to taste the source of the noble's power." This is confusing to me -perhaps again becase of the chapter I missed but in any case I still don't see the relevance of the 'bleached hair' to the stealing fruit section. That's it for now - firing this off during a break at work. It seemed interesting enough to keep me reading, though the alternate use of common things like 'blond' and apples was a bit unusual at first.

This is the prologue and first three chapters of a novel I am pantsing. Curently first draft material - or first draft version 1.1. Genre: Fantasy but there will be some sci-fi elements that will grow in importance. As for specific information, as a pantser I basically pulled what I have out of the air, and I am concerned about continuity, creating arcs for the characters that shows growth (arc ?), and interweaving all those elements. In my read of this and other material each chapter seems to almost be independent - if I can explain it right. I want to make sure that each is connected and moving the story forward. In this regard I have begun making notes or summaries as a sort of outline, but a more rigid outline seems to defy my thought process. There are a fair amount of characters and I had to condense a few, but it looks like there will be a few and they will all have a say. There is also a dual timeline, which will meet at a key event (a battle) in the present. I'm not sure how that will work out, it's just the way it came out. I'm hoping some input will help me 'grow' my characters, make sure I develop a coherent, flowing and appealing story and helps me be accountable so that I don't lose my direction and wander aimlessly in 'someday-I-will-be-a-writer' limbo. I am interested in general feedback on any other area of course, except for spelling and similar type errors as this is too early in the process. Thank you.

Thanks for the information. Fascinating ideas. Just some more randomness in response but I use to breed fish including some annual kiilifish. Some of those could go from hatching to breeding in as little as 3 weeks as an evolutionary response to their environment. In fact the hatchlings from one day were often big enough to eat the hatchlings from the next day so I would have to have a new jar for each day. I also raised artemia to feed a lot of small fish and their cysts are extremely resistant to environment. Assuming what I read is accurate they can take temperatures of -310 Farenheit among other things. If you look up cryptobiosis this might offer an interesting model for the survivability of some life - with mention of waterbear's for example being chilled to -457 degrees farenheit. In theory these critters can live almost indefinetly in this state. One other interesting tidbit from my meandering mind is http://nautil.us/issue/16/nothingness/zombie-sponge-reefs-are-lurking-at-the-bottom-of-the-sea apparently reefs made of these 'glass sponges (which use silica) had dissapeared for a long time (about 40 million years) due possibly to not enough dissolved silica in the water caused by competing organisms like diatoms. Now they are reappearing and what I found interesting is that the larvae found and attached to the silicia skeltons left behind by those ancient sponges. This makes me wonder at the possibility of similar life, leaving behind a framework of silica (or another substance), that new life reattaches to and each generation builds it a tiny bit - similar to a stalactites growth - so that over time a life sustaining latticework could be grown. I know it is a stretch but just wanted to throw out some ideas.

It sounds like you would know better than I. Would a plant that secreted silica as a clear 'shell' similar to corraline algaes or even diatoms be protected enough from the heat for it to survive? What about the reflective properties of silica, would that further reduce the heat being absorbed by the more delicate life within?

Some totally random ideas. If the moon is tidally locked then maybe all life could live on a range of mountains at the dividing line between the two halves of the moon. The plains alternately boil and freeze every two weeks, but snow is deposited as the water boils off and endures on these 'fringe mountains' allowing life a precarious existence. Perhaps there are valleys, or underground caverns where the water drips down and survives in this area? Something like this (so when one side is dark, the other is light with the mountains at the dividing line) You might also have animal/plants, similar to ocean corals that house symbiotic algae without which they could not survive. These creatures could migrate back and forth with the change as a sort of moving forest/herd/ambulatory greenhouses. Plants can also contain silica (like horsetail) and silica has a very high melting point. So perhaps there could be a group of plants with lots of silica that formed a sort of interlocking forest and the interlocking leaves block enough of the heat to allow some secondary plants to grow beneath their protective canopy. The plants could be glass like and brittle during the cold cycle to make it challenging and breaking or collapsing a section of the giant plants would allow the extreme weather in with the consequences or burns or freezes.