Kobold King

I used to enjoy Tamriel RPs. But then I took an arrow-- * is pulled off stage with a crook * (I actually know nothing about Tamriel. Someone I knew played Skyrim for a while, so I only know a couple of monster names and the arrow meme.)

Pretty much, yeah. I've formally adopted Sam Trattner and Revolution Sunburst Jones, so I've added them to my latest Oregon post. What's that? Why of course they're going to be ponified eventually!

Voidgaze blinked at him for a moment, and then raised her fingers into air quotes. "Is that code for 'please don´t try to kill him either?' I suppose I could hold back but an apology at the very least would still be nice." Lightwards sighed. His guess had been correct--of any of the Empire's current Epics, Nighthound was indeed the most likely to traumatize a pleasant young woman. He wasn't sure if he should applaud his own deductive ability or kick himself for his choice of allies. And milking an apology out of the man? Sparks. Despite what he said, Lightwards wasn't even sure how to keep him from ripping out Voidgaze's throat at the sight of her. Suddenly, he had an idea. He looked into Voidgaze's icy stare--which was possibly the reason she was called "Voidgaze"--and smiled. "An apology? Absolutely. I'll have him write you a formal apology and send it to your current address." She was unlikely to have ever seen his handwriting, if the feral creature could even write at all. How hard could forging a letter be? ----------------------------------------------- ----------------------------------------------- Samantha Trattner felt like she'd traveled back in time, and she wasn't happy about it. With an irritable sigh she pushed some kind of annoyingly springy prehistoric fern out of her way and pressed on through the dense foliage. She'd never been much of an outdoors person, but it was looking like she'd just have to get used to it. If these imperialist slontzes wanted to live in the world's smelliest sauna, there wasn't exactly anything she could do about it. Her new co-worker seemed to be taking this in stride. The hippie was serenely making her way among the plants, her tie dyed T-shirt and flower-emblazoned skirt making her figure obvious to anyone with the slightest trace of color recognition. "You don't seem to like jungles much," the hippie said cheerfully, stopping to pet a vacant-eyed Stegosaurus that lounging against a mossy wall. "I don't know how you put up with it," Sam replied, slightly irked. "It's hot, it's wet, and this one's prowling with dinosaurs." "Zombie dinosaurs," the hippie pointed out. "They don't bite unless they're told." "Well it's a good thing they're controlled by such a kind and nature-loving man," she snarked in response. "I don't know what we'd do if he were a crazy slontze or something." The hippie only chuckled quietly. "You're funny." "I don't really see what's funny about all of this." That wasn't entirely true. The way the other Epics treated Funtimes was humorous in its own way--she thought that the necromancer was going to have an aneurysm when Funtimes started making out with her boyfriend during his speech. Finally they reached what may have had one point been a gift shop in the museum. One of its walls was thick and made of stone, while the others were still delicate glass constructs. One was shattered. "Looks like we missed some fighting in here," the hippie said, squatting down among the ferns. "There are broken snowglobes all over the place." "And ibuprofen," Sam added, picking up a small red pill from where it lay in a patch of dirt. She picked up a children's botany book from a display shelf, flipping through it. There were plenty of dinosaur paintings with period-specific plants. "This looks promising." "As does this," the hippie replied, holding up a diorama with an outrageous price tag appended to it. "Let's get back to the good Doctor then, shall we?" Sam nodded, and the pair began to come back the way they came. A few raptors lay on the sides of the path, glaring at them with menace. "I never caught your name," she said. "What is it?" "Revolution Sunburst Jones," her companions said proudly with a wide smile. Sam stopped in the path momentarily. "That is the most seditious name I've ever heard." "Thank you," Revolution said sweetly. "I'd hurry if I were you. Those raptors look smart. I don't think Lightwards bothers to control them as much as he should." Lightwards? Sam could have sworn his name was Light-wars. She didn't consider herself a flighty person, but she did pick up her pace after one of the dinosaurs began to direct a low growl at her. "My name's Sam. Sam Trattner," she told Revolution as she speeded up the path. "It's very nice to meet you, Samantha Trattner," Revolution replied with a smile. Before Sam could object to the hippie's guessed use of her full name, they came to a murky jungle river right across the middle of their path. "She's really going all out with this," she said, her jaw dropping slightly. Where the Calamity was the water even coming from? Revolution shrugged. "Some Epics like being showy. There's a garden just outside of Portland where the Trimmer uses his landscaping powers to make enormous topiaries of his enemies, just so he can set them on fire every night. There's a cliffside right on the California border that someone sculpted into a giant Möbius strip. In Astoria there's a whole stretch of coast that an Epic's turned into solid diamond decorated with human heads. And of course you've heard of Newcago--a city of steel covered in night." Sam nodded grimly. "All Epics are slontzes." "A lot of them," Revolution admitted. "But some of them are just cuckoos. Let's get back to our cuckoo before one of the slontzes stumbles across us." The found a neatly carved log bridge over the jungle river and began their trek back to Funtimes. "Revolution?" "Yes, Sam?" "I've decided I might like you. Haven't decided yet." Revolution just smiled.

Yes, but part of his side act is making large sums of money mysteriously vanish from the ledgers.

He expected Altermind's group to be impressed as he explained the powers of his allies. He was disappointed to find that the group seemed to be mostly indifferent. Mostly. Voidgaze, who'd maintained an amiable expression even when he'd shown unconcealed contempt for her boss, was now glaring at him across the table as if she were trying to replicate CorpseMaker's power. What did I say? Lightwards thought, flabbergasted yet again. He stared at her from across the table, trying to figure her out. She had a look of anger on her face, but her arms were stiff and she seemed to wobble in her seat. Altermind continued speaking with his irritable hostility. "Who promised you this victory, I'd like to know. Must've been someone with little faith in themselves. I, for one, never promise victory to anyone aside from myself. But you do have quite the team. I think." The mental Epic took a hefty bite of chicken. "A temporary collaboration could be feasible. An alliance is impossible, but I think both of us would benefit from working against CorpseMaker. An enemy's enemy, right?" "Of course," replied Lightwards, relieved. "Joining forces, at least for a little while, is certain to keep CorpseMaker on his toes. We will require any information you possess concerning his associates, and any up-to-date maps you keep would be helpful for our mutual cause. If you keep us updated with information, that will leave the Empire free to take the battle straight to CorpseMaker..." He trailed off, suddenly making a connection in his head. Voidgaze's body language suddenly made sense to him. She was scared. She'd reacted with fear and sudden anger when Lightwards had listed off his allies. One of the Epics currently serving the Empire had done something horrible to this young woman. Something horrible enough to inspire the terror of an Epic. Someone working for the Empire had hurt her badly, and it was unlikely to be the Epic who'd hugged her and called her blueberry. Making an educated guess, Lightwards cleared his throat and directed his attention to Rita Blue. "I do hope our mutual associate Nighthound will not be an issue... you didn't seem keen to hear his name mentioned. I assure you that we have him under control. He won't lay a finger on any ally of mine."

... Voidus, I'd like to adopt another Epic.

I was thinking more along the lines of "Magic" or "Master of Your Fate," but I like that. He is, of course, one of the smoothest criminals around. Ray's song is Real!Cadence's half of "This Day," but with Shining Armor replaced with the Unicyclist.

Great job! Eventually the summary will grow to be so precise, it will predict events that haven't happened yet. Am I up next?

Aldo and Cricket could steal his house.

Seeing this latest turn in Altermind and Lightwards' relationship, I propose this song to adequately summarize their feelings for one another. So are there still active scenes going, or will we be fading into night soon?

Meant as a duel, but if you want to examine the world of Ponified Oregon through shipping goggles, who am I to stop you? If there's one thing Aldo admires, it's showmanship. And Funtimes with her glitter and colors and unicycling manservant passes his friendship test with flying colors.

Thanks, I followed your advice. I haven't done enough in the new one to recognize all the new features yet. So here's Tophat!Aldo with Cricket-- Ponification isn't required--but it certainly helps. What isn't improved with a thin magician's moustache?

Or we could bring eternal darkness to the land and end the corruption inherent in the Solar Power Industry once and for all!

Thanks, they were fun to write. Fun in the creepy sort of way, of course. Anyway, you knew this was coming. For some reason the pony creator doesn't have a top hat. Oh well, still turned out well. Matching Cricket coming soon.

We're not so great at planning, but we're brilliant at improvising. Introduced Aldo and Cricket, by the way.

"And for my next trick, I, Aldo the Enigmatic, shall make all your loved ones disappear!" The bartender froze, struck by both bewilderment and sudden terror. Aldo laughed to himself as he strode into the bar, letting his cape trail along behind him. "Would it kill you to smile?" he asked the bartender with a charming smile of his own. "Because it might kill you not to." The bartender nodded his head slowly, letting out a nervous chuckle. "Now was that so hard? You Portland fellows just can't seem to take a joke." Aldo pulled a miniature bar stool out of one of his many pockets, and flipped it to the floor with a casual spark of his power. It bloated to a much larger size and settled the floor, so the former stage magician took a seat. "Can I get you anything, sir?" asked the barkeep weakly, apparently trying hard not to offend. "Thanks for the offer, but I'm covered." Aldo pulled out a tiny bottle of champagne and similarly increased its size. "If you really want to help, you can tell me what you know about the new Epics in town." The bartender looked like he really didn't want to help, but he smiled anyway. "Of course, sir... the thing is, though, I don't know much about them myself. There was a psychopath who rode a dinosaur through the streets and killed a bunch of people, and he gathered a crowd to watch a professor give a lecture. They're the new big Epics in town. Call themselves the Empire of Light or something." "Hmm. I've heard catchier names," Aldo said, sipping his champagne thoughtfully. "I suppose they're behind the museum of natural history floating in the sky?" "That's what I've heard, sir." Aldo nodded his head. The bartender, of course, knew absolutely nothing of value. His stupid voice helped Aldo think, however. Times were tough in the Fractured States. So many Epics terrifying so many people. Back in the good old days, sawing a woman in half was all in took to get whatever you wanted. Nowadays vanilla folk treated Epics with respect and plenty of spirits, but the sense of power and majesty had diminished in their hearts. These Empire fellas, though... they had the souls of showmen. Rising a dusty old museum into the heavens. Marching dinosaurs down the street. Raining pancakes. Magnificent! He wished he'd seen it all himself just to give the Empire folks a round of applause. Aldo took a last gulp of champagne, shot the bartender three times in the face, and helped himself to some fine bottles on the back shelf. Each one he shrank to a tenth of their original size and stashed away in his pockets. The other patrons watched timidly as he left. They didn't watch with awe, oh no--they treated Epics like they'd treated fast-driving cars, or a rabid dog. Something to be feared, but not respected. Outside the bar, a young woman leaned against a wall and glared at passersby. She wore plain clothes for an Epic--just a tight cyan shirt, a pair of shorts, and sneakers. Her only real distinguishing characteristic was a bright green grasshopper tattoo on her upper thigh, which bespoke her particular talent. "Figured out what we're doing yet?" she asked grumpily. "Finding a new assistant, maybe," Aldo replied. "Would it kill you to smile every now and then?" Cricket mouthed along as he finished his catchphrase. "Because it might kill you not to." Calamity, am I really getting that predictable? the magician thought. He made a note to be a little more random from here on out. "Remember how I said we're free agents, and we're not going to get saddled down with an alliance?" he asked her pointedly. "How could I not," Cricket snarked back. "You only bragged about it in every bar from here to Newcago." Aldo decided to ignore that. "Well, it's time we settled down. This Empire of Light is perfect for us. Big, strong, and shiny." "We going up there, then?" the girl nodded up at the museum, which still floated in the sky and cast a long shadow as the sun set behind it. "Not tonight," said Aldo. "If we went up there now, they'd mistake us for common burglars. When we go up there, we want them to recognize us as very uncommon burglars." Cricket yawned. "Fine by me. Let's find a hotel and get some sleep." "How many times do I have to tell you, Cricket?" Aldo said with his most mysterious smile. "Everywhere's a hotel if you kill the owners." The pair of them walked down the street arm in arm. Aldo continued to stare up at the floating museum, fascinated by the gentle way it bobbed up and down in place. When he got up there... People of Oregon, he thought dreamily. You're about to witness to show of a lifetime.

It would make Nathan hoping the "Sadry hunter" was still alive into a brilliant piece of foreshadowing. It's always nice when we look like we're more clever than we are. Of course, Scorch worried that someone might summon a T-rex at one point. Some prophetic stuff there...

* Narrator voice * And now it's time for Epic Plot Twists with Kobold King. In today's episode, Remington Springfield uncovers a horrifying revelation... This has been Epic Plot Twists with Kobold King. Tune in next time to see the remarkable reveal of Funtimes' sister-in-law...

I'd volunteer to write the summary, but I'd have to refresh my memory by re-reading everything that happened before Page 7. Which I can do, of course, but it might take a bit.

Upvotes all around for well thought through posts! Also, I am flattered that I have become the resident authority on racist dinosaurs. It is an honor to have made such a mark on the forum. To the point, this is actually a topic I feel very strongly about, as I consider it closely tied to one of the most important questions the human race has encountered: that question being "what measure is a non-human?" I would say that to answer this question, we rely much more upon zoology then we do upon ethnic differences between humans. The differences between human ethnicities are negligible--the physiological differences between an Asian human and a Caucasian such as myself are so minor that they do not even inhibit interbreeding. The similarities between human societies across the world lend further testimony to the fact that human psychologies do not vary significantly from one "race" to another. But we do not have to stray into the world of fantasy to gain an idea of what non-human species look like, or what differences in psychology can emerge between radically different races. This world is covered with lifeforms of varying levels of intelligence, covering classifications as diverse as primates, carnivores, whales, and even octopuses. With such diversity at our perusing disposal, the original question comes into better light. Is racial stereotyping in fantasy justified? Yes--both because it is human nature to do so and because it reflects reality to a degree. Human beings consider certain behavioral traits to be the most important factors in judging inhumans. We categorize dolphins as gentle, fun-loving animals, because these traits are common in them. While depressed dolphins and even violent dolphins certainly exist, they are not as disposed to these behaviors as humans or other races are. Humans are more likely to fall out of touch with group dynamics, triggering depression; we are also more likely to fight over resources or because we feel our group dynamic has been insulted. While human ethnic groups possess little variance from one another, different species on this planet can be extremely distant from one another in both physiology and psychology. And while dolphins or orangutans possess just as much variance within their own species as humans in ours, we generally aren't inclined to see this. We judge a species by any trait we feel is important enough to distinguish. Thus dung-flinging chimpanzees, gentle dolphins, snarling wolves, and speculatively... graceful elves, drunken dwarves, and snarling orcs. It takes a rare Jane Goodall or Dian Fossey to delve into the minds of inhumans. For most of us, our species stereotypes are all we will ever see these animals as. It is not that far a stretch that the humanoids in fantasy would suffer a similar process of stereotyping. While I imagine the cultures of elves, dwarves, and orcs would be just as diverse as human societies, the majority of humans would not examine their alien neighbors closely enough to realize it. Would I enjoy seeing a fantasy novel which explored these races' psychology to the full extent? Storms yes. The world needs more examples of how non-human minds might operate. Exploring the cultural complexities of orcish warriors or dwarven citadels would be amazing to witness. A deconstruction and reconstruction of these racial stereotypes would impress upon the reader's mind that a being can be very different from a human, but a worthy creature in its own right regardless. This mini-essay is rather rambling, as it is morning here and I am tired. But I thought I'd throw my thoughts into the matter before the conversation grew too large to keep up with. In short, dwarves, elves, and orcs are not human, and thus are likely to display very different traits from us Homo sapiens. We are likely to latch on to what we see as their "key characteristics," forgetting that we are dealing with beings of just as much value and sophistication as ourselves. Racist dinosaurs for the win.

I find myself doing the same thing. I have a woman named either Grasshopper or Katydid who can leap to the tops of buildings and kick things really hard.

Voidgaze already knows he's unlikable, so I think she'll fill in the gaps. Thanks for the codes! Now into the vault they go! Since Aldo was supposed to be our mobile scout guy, could the Empire recruit a minor Epic who can jump really high and move from place to place quickly?

The girl in white leaped straight into another rambling speech. “I go by the name Voidgaze. Technically, I suppose my name is Rita Blue but no calls me that anyway so I´m not sure if that even matters anymore, then again yesterday someone called me a blueberry and hugged me, which got glitter all over my clothes but she seemed nice, so I don´t think she had any bad intentions and I´m rambling again, aren't I?” Despite the general randomness of the spew, Lightwards found his interest slightly aroused. It was rare for any Epic to tell their given name--in a way, it hearkened back to the old superstitions that knowing a person's true name granted power over them. Because if you knew so much about an Epic as to know who they were before Calamity, what else might you know? Biographies? Personal details? A hint at a weakness? When Rita "Voidgaze" Blue told of a woman who called her blueberry, hugged her, and got glitter on her clothes, Lightwards was 100% sure who she was talking about. At least he hoped so--two women with those personality traits roaming free across Portland would be too much to handle by far. Finally, the girl folded her arms over her chest and nodded towards Altermind. “For an emissary and stuff like that you should talk with the boss.” Her boss cut her off at the last word, looking profoundly annoyed at being ignored. "Lightwards," he said pointedly, "Describe these powerful Epics you work with. My friends and I, we don't just work with anyone. How can we both benefit from this alliance?" Lightwards smiled. "I don't think you quite understand how rulership works. Anyone who only works with those they find worthy of their friendship will find themselves too preoccupied with their own egos to use all the resources available to them--" He cut off at the increasingly angry look on Altermind's face. He seemed particularly furious at the confidence Lightwards was displaying. He made a note of it, but decided that continuing to provoke one of the most powerful Epics in the city would not be a wise strategy. So instead he wiped his mouth with a napkin and continued. "The Empire of Light has already accumulated a number of strong Epics. There is myself, of course--unkillable and master of all things expired. There is the woman who calls herself Doctor Funtimes--a woman who might be mad, but whose mastery over matter is a force to be admired nonetheless. There is her consort, a skilled teleporter. The newest member of our group, an energy Epic of uncommon skill and planning ability. And last but not least, there is the commander of our armies, the Epic who calls himself Nighthound--a relentless hunter, as unstoppable as he is unkillable." He took another bite of potato, feeling pleased with his summary. "The power we hold is absolute. Our victory in battle is promised. I do not believe there is a power in Oregon which could hold for long against our ranks."

We're always looking for new players! If you're looking for character summaries, look no further than here.

This is somehow more horrifying than anything Möbius could do to him.