Kobold King

"All anyone really needs to know about the planet Ixion is that it was named for a mythical character who was strapped eternally to the sun for his sins. It was used as a penal colony until that was declared cruel and unusual punishment, it was chartered for a research expedition until scientists realized they'd actually have to go there, and it was a battleground during the Human-Supernalian War until both sides sat down and admitted they didn't actually want it. The kindest thing you can say about it is that in an infinite universe it's not technically the worst place to live."

I thought it was pretty good. Rainbow Rocks is still my favorite because of the Sirens, but Legend of Everfree was a fun watch.

Compromise: infestation of carol-singing clowns.

Now I kind of want to see a species that's sort of a reverse-Borg. They go around space finding artificially intelligent robot races and "saving" them by uploading their consciousnesses into cloned organic bodies.

I am pleased that people still read that.

This is the greatest thing in the history of things. All other things are looking upon this thing in sadness, knowing that the things it represents are things utterly beyond the scope of such things as they.

Is my whole world a lie?

Found the Draco apologist. Wait, this is TwiLyght? Found the best Draco apologist.

Whoops, forgot I was supposed to be lurking. Don't mind me, I'll just disappear again for a few months.

Brother: "What kind of posts do you think you'd see if the Internet had been around at the time of the Black Death?" Me: "'There's nobody here. Be the first to comment!'"

"I don't know... but I'm getting the feeling I probably want him dead."

Death. There was a wave of misery, and the raptors felt like death. They'd stood at the ready, snarling at the mammals that were their enemies, waiting for the words of the mammal that was their alpha. But now everything felt different. Even the alpha felt it, collapsing to its knees as it washed over the place. The mammal that smelled of dozens of other animals stood idle for a moment, but strode forth with a shining claw coming off its hand. In a stroke, the alpha's head came off its body, rolling onto the hard cold ground as flocks of sickly-smelling birds attacked the other mammals. Death. Every one of them could feel it. The alpha fell to the ground, dead; that much they all knew. But its mind was still somehow there, still pressing into theirs with blood red authority. The other mammal bodies the alpha ruled looked confused, staring blankly as they waited for the alpha to get back up, as they all somehow knew it would. The raptors felt otherwise. Their alpha was dead, attacked! A fight was springing up around them! The one that scented of many animals stood tall before them, confident, challenging. There was only one thing for them to do. As their mammal ruler's head regrow from its shoulders, four raptors leaped over its writhing carcass, barreling towards their alpha's killer with full speed and shrieks of bloodlust. Lightwards died four times that moment. A gunshot tore through his chest from the crowd of students, and he collapsed to the ground. His screams ran out across the desert as he rushed through infinite space, hurtling into the parched earth like a meteorite against Möbius' laughter. Eleven bullets perforated through his body as he slid against a museum wall, leaving a bloody smear behind him. And a saber sheared through his neck, his head rolling off his shoulders and rolling on the hard asphalt. For a shaky moment he could actually see his decapitated corpse lying before him, his mouth trying to scream yet pulling no breath from his severed lungs, and then everything went dark. Once again his old deaths ran through his mind, and he nearly lost himself in the howling pain. The wave of meaninglessness that had struck him before... all the memories... they threatened to undo him, like his life had done to him so long ago before. Back in days when he'd wished for death. But a light shone before him. That same, blessed light that had greeted him thrice before, and now once again beckoned him into living. The light that promised purpose to all the random demises that threatened him at every turn. He pushed the traumatic visions out of his mind. He clung to his goals. Though he seemed incorporeal in this empty dark place, he could almost feel his fists clench in determination. And he moved lightwards. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- He gasped as he came back to life, rolling onto his back as the sounds of gunfire and screaming dinosaurs rang out over the zoo. He found his hands moving up to his head, feeling his forehead and temples and hair as if to verify they were still there. Swiftly yet shakily he rose to his feet, squinting as he stumbled backwards and tried to ascertain what was going on through his blurry vision. Chimera was on the ground, grappling with three raptors at a time--and seemingly on the cusp of winning. His soldiers were half in a panic, opening fire at the huge Allosaurus as it rampaged towards them with its mouth agape. Bullets soared past Lightwards from behind, and with a glance back he could see Aldo and Cricket fighting back hordes of bird-like abominations that threatened to engulf them. Chicago Joe had revered to statue form. And laying on the ground, just a yard away from Lightwards' feet, was his own severed head. Hat still fitted upon it, glasses still covering blank and staring eyes on a face contorted in pain and surprise. Some distant part of him murmured about various existential questions this posed. If this was the discarded remnant of his brain, did that mean he was not the true Lightwards? That he was an identical impostor supplanted on the original's body... that the original Thomas Cardinal had died here and now? ...no. The original Thomas Cardinal had died years ago. Without another word or moment of hesitation, Lightwards stooped to pick the glasses off of his own dead-eyed face, fixing them on his face. With another swift motion the bowler hat was relocated to his new head, and the new Lightwards stood stiffly with his hand on his pistol. "Warriors," he proclaimed sternly, voice betraying none of the turmoil he'd felt moments before. "Attack." His human Warriors raised their rifles and opened fire at Chimera's men. Lightwards drew his own weapon and approached Chimera as the pathetic Epic fought against the last of the surviving raptors. It was time to make a swift end of this.

I just died a little inside. From laughing to death.

"My arm! My poor arm! It's going to rot off of me! Pleaaaaaase heeeeeelp meeee..." -Backtrack, upon encountering poison oak. Will try to get something written soon, guys. I think Deathwish is up next in The Dalles? And Vondra too? I've let myself get confused again...

There's a town in Oregon called Boring. You know what I'm thinking? Not when we get there.

Sam Trattner doesn't really hate Altermind. She's just an extreme tsundere. She actually has a secret shrine to him in her closet. Lightwards likes to tie on a cape and run around a room with his arms spread out, pretending to be Steelheart/an airplane. Backtrack's cowardly persona is an act. By night he clears the streets as a costumed vigilante. Arsenal was a hippie in his youth.

I'm just quoting the trailer. Haven't seen the movie either.

"I'm not gonna kill ya. I'm just gonna make you very... very... panda-ish."

Not free of bickering, but the bickering doesn't matter so much. It won't get held against you. No one holds a serious grudge. Nothing gets thrown back in your face hours after it happened. There's a fight here and there, there are disagreements, but thirty minutes later everyone will be happy and joking again. A happy family dynamic doesn't mean a perfect family dynamic, or one that never knows strife; a happy family dynamic is one that recovers quickly.

Wouldn't sparkles kind of go against the spirit of National SansSparkles Day? Also, welcome back!

The real conversation I just had with my five year-old sister... Sister: "Jared, what was Teletubbies?" Me: "Just a show I used to watch. About four little creatures called Teletubbies." Sister: "What was their theme song?" Me: "Oh, it was a simple little tune but I don't remember much of-" Sister: "Can you sing it?" Me: "...no, I don't want to sing it." Sister: "Sing it or your balls will be in dinner." Me: "...Tinky-Winky! Dipsy! Laa-Laa! Po!"

Well butter my backside and call me a biscuit.

Shiny / Alice Regway confirmed.

@TwiLyghtSansSparkles, rest assured that I support your self-identity as a sapient fungus. @Silverblade5, I see you your epic pony music and raise you another one. Twilight's Kingdom spoilers.

All What Happened in Oregon threads take place in, you guessed it, Oregon. Except for one that's in Australia for some reason. Portland and The Dalles are currently closed to new Epics. Astoria is for the most overpowered of the overpowered; basically, for Steelhearts to go up against Obliterations and Nightwielders and bring down the city in the process. Corvallis and Salem are still welcome places for your average Epic characters, as far as I know. @Comatose could enlighten you more about Corvallis than I could.