Healers [ROW SPOILERS]

[Comatose he/him]

So I've done something like this before when I wrote "An Expert in Just About Everything" - that is reworking a scene from the books with different characters.  ROW SPOILERS AHEAD.

This time around, as soon as I read Chapter 12 of of Rhythm of War, I knew I wanted to do a rewrite of the scene with the roles reversed.  While I love Kadolin's dynamic, I'm personally not a huge fan of writing Shallan off because I also love her individually, and her and Adolin's relationship.  With that in mind, the premise of the following scene is that Shallan is deep undercover, and Adolin believes (incorrectly) that she is dead.  I think this could make for some very interesting conversations down the road.  In my mind, it would be less about the typical drama, and more about "okay, how do we make this work".  Maybe if writing this inspires me I'll continue the narrative.

For maximum effect, I'd recommend reading Chapter 12 of Rhythm of War first (and maybe Chapter 21), and hopefully you can pick up on the parallels.  

Anyways, here it goes ROW SPOILERS AHEAD:

Spoiler

She's gone.  Adolin felt dim, unreal, like he was hovering between realms.  Is this how you feel? he wondered to Maya.  Unfortunately, Maya could not answer for him, and Adolin just felt lost.  Adolin stiffly moved towards his rooms, the rooms he used to share with his wife, and turned and closed the door with a firm push.  

Only then did he break.  He didn't make it to the chair or the bed.  He sank down with his back to the wall beside the door.  He tried to unbutton his well tailored jacket - storms why did he always need clothing that fit so snug?  His fingers fumbled at the ornate buttons, but found no purchase.  He tried to gasp, his chest and abdomen straining against his suddenly restrictive clothing.  His entire body seemed to tremble as agonyspren twisted in an out, twisted faces carved from stone, mocking him in his loneliness.  

Come on.  You've known loss before.  You got through losing your mother.  You can do this.  Adolin sobbed, and grabbed a scarf to muffle the sound.  Why couldn't he pull himself together, like he had back then?  The answer was obvious.  When his mother had died, and his father had abandoned them for drink.  There was no choice but to keep things together for Renarin's sake.  He had been the only one looking out for his brilliant little brother.  Now, Renarin was well and living his own life, and Adolin was just . . .

Alone.

He'd always hated that word.  All his life Adolin strove to surround himself in people - it didn't matter of they were common soldiers, lordly courtiers, or girlfriends, so long as they were there, with him, taking up space beside him.  But to seek the comfort of company now felt wrong, like a betrayal to the person whose absence he wanted to fill more than anything.   

A knock came at his door.  Adolin bit down hard on his scarf.  Please just go away.  The knock became more insistent.  Adolin tried to catch his breath, and glanced at a nearby mirror.  Come on, he told himself, Present yourself.  He sniffed three times and fanned his face, banishing the tears from his eyes.  He ran his hand through his hair a couple of times, until it settled into its familiar pattern of calculated dishevelment.  As he stood, he straightened his shirt and jacket, each motion of tidying his appearance soothing him a little more.  You can get through this.

The knocking continued.  "Coming," Adolin said, unable to keep his unsteadiness from his voice.  

Kaladin pushed his way in, Syl at his shoulder.  He wore civilian's garb, plain and unassuming, which only made his hardened bearing and physique stand out more.  Kaladin was like a constant, and unmovable anchor in the chaos of a high storm.    

They stood in silence, for a moment, taking each other in.  Adolin flashed a hesitant smile.  You know this is going to be hard for him too.  You can't let your dark moments undo his progress.  

"Maya... I wasn't quite sure what she wanted, but she seemed to want us to come here... um..." Syl appeared uncharacteristically bashful, and Adolin got the impression she'd be blushing if she wasn't monochromatic.  "And we're here now... so... bye!  I'll let you two talk"

As Syl departed, Kaladin cocked his head to the side.  "I... I heard.  I'm sorry Adolin."

"I'll... I'll be all right Bridgeboy.  Really.  I just need some time.  No need to fret."

Kaladin nodded, solemn.  "Right."  He closed the door behind him, and slid down to the floor.  Patting the ground beside him, he motioned for Adolin to sit down.  "No reason for you to take your time alone though right?"

"I..."

"If you need to be alone that's fine, just tell me.  It's not a big deal.  But for now I'll just sit here okay?  Until you tell me otherwise."  

Storms, when had Kaladin of all people become emotionally intelligent?   Adolin hesitated, then loosened his jacket and sunk down to the ground beside Kaladin.  As he leaned back, his arm brushed up against Kaladin's.  He felt he could almost absorb some strength from the man's frame, like a Radiant consuming Stormlight.  

He was in mourning - he should be taking time alone to work through his emotions.  To pay respects to... to her...  But of course, alone was the last thing Adolin wanted to be.  

Adolin grimaced as he caught sight of himself in the mirror again.  Granted, he was at a terrible angle, but he hadn't done nearly as good a job of clearing the redness from his eyes as he thought he had.  "Storms, I look awful.  What a mess."  

Kaladin grunted, making his disagreement immediately evident in a way only he could.  "As an expert in the subject,  I can confirm looking awful isn't half has bad as it's made out to be, not that you would know."

"Come now, you know you're a catch.  You have that whole aloof, stoic, hero thing going for you."

  "You're the expert."  Kaladin's eyes darted up and down Adolin's figure with a surgeon's precision.  "Here, let's get you changed into something more comfortable.  You need to be able to breath easy, and that ridiculous outfit isn't helping you at the moment.  I'll get you some water."  Kaladin stood slowly, and helped Adolin up.  "Don't worry about how it looks, just throw on whatever will make you feel the best.

Adolin extracted his hand from Kaladin's grip, and moved over to his armoire behind the dressing screen and started shifting out of his formal attire.  Normally, Adolin was able to quickly choose an outfit by instinct, but this time he found himself hesitating.  Eventually, he settled on a pair of comfortable training trousers, meant to facilitate movement, and one of the men's shirts that Veil used to wear.  The garment, tailored to Shallan's proportions, wouldn't quite close properly, so Adolin just pulled it around himself, smelling the shirt, and imagining his wife was wrapping her arms around him again.  

He let out a sob as he sank to the ground.  Kaladin was there in an instant, placing a hand against Adolin's chest, then his neck, and leaning in to support him as they sat down.  After the sobs died down a bit, Kaladin held up a glass of water, forcing Adolin to drink.  Adolin drank, and breathed in the smell of Kaladin.  He smelt... clean, but practical?  Like freshly laundered kitchen linens.  Slowly, the sobs subsided as Adolin took comfort in the strong frame of his friend.  

"I'm sorry," he whispered.  "I shouldn't put this on you.  How are you doing, Kaladin?  Storms, she was your friend too, I..."

"Sush, stop doing that."

"Doing what?"

"Trying to 'help' me to avoid thinking about how you are doing.  You can't be a light to everyone if your own sphere is going dim, Adolin.  It's okay to lean on me.  My father always said, in an emergency a surgeon has to look after himself first - its only after your own person is secure that you can ensure you are capable of competently helping others.  We'll have plenty of time to talk about me later.  For now, what do you need Adolin?"

I need you.  The thought, unbidden, seemed to escape from a locked chest in Adolin's mind.  Stop it, you are just scared of being alone.  Yes, he found Kaladin's presence comforting, and he certainly needed support in the moment.  That was all he was responding too, nothing more.  What kind of man would be thinking of someone else, like that, so soon after losing the person he was supposed to turn to?  He wanted to tell himself it was just a thing of a moment, a figment of his loneliness and need for comfort.  

You know that's not true.  This isn't new, and you know it.  Listen to who you are ignoring, even when its yourself.

"It's okay, just breathe.  Drink some water and breathe okay.  We don't have to talk."  Kaladin's hand traced along Adolin's spine, brushing each vertebrae.  Adolin focused on the rhythm of Kaladin's touch, and on his breathing.  Up and down, in and out.  He felt himself slipping into the trance-like state of mind Zahel had taught him to utilize when preparing for combat.  Slowly he began to feel the emotions start to subside.  They didn't leave, but the wave passed.  He entered a calm in the storm.

"You're one hell of a surgeon, Bridgeboy."

Kaladin's hand stopped.  "I do what I can," he said carefully, "But Adolin, you're the one who heals people.  I'm just returning a favor, long overdue."

Adolin smiled, feeling a moment of genuine warmth in his chest.  "Thank-you."

 

[Greywatch she/her]

That's really sweet! :') I love it...

[LadyLameness]

This is beautiful and I love it and I'm going to go and cry now cause it hit all the emotional buttons. Kadolin supporting each other is something I both knew I needed in life and am thankful that you provided it xD

25 minutes ago, Comatose said:

Storms, when had Kaladin of all people become emotionally intelligent? 

I laughed so hard at this and it was the perfect nugget of humour to offset the super sad of this fic. 

[HipsterStick he/him]

This is incredible, I feel like you really accurately captured how Kaladin might react in this situation. Thanks for sharing!

Edited November 29, 2020 by HipsterStick

[Comatose he/him]

On 11/29/2020 at 0:17 PM, HipsterStick said:

This is incredible, I feel like you really accurately captured how Kaladin might react in this situation. Thanks for sharing!

Glad my Kaladin came off okay - I have trouble relating to him as a character, and was worried that he wouldn't come off right.  I did partly cheat though by taking things from Adolin's point of view :).  Thanks!

[AonEne he/him]

Minor necro to say this was sweet! In a sad way, of course. It balanced emotions well. The subtle Edgedancer foreshadowing was also cool - I've always thought appending "even if it's myself" to the end of the Edgedancer oaths would make for some fantastic storytelling, and I like how you did that with Adolin's attempts to help others to keep himself from processing his own pain. 

[Comatose he/him]

On 3/1/2021 at 0:54 PM, AonEne said:

Minor necro to say this was sweet! In a sad way, of course. It balanced emotions well. The subtle Edgedancer foreshadowing was also cool - I've always thought appending "even if it's myself" to the end of the Edgedancer oaths would make for some fantastic storytelling, and I like how you did that with Adolin's attempts to help others to keep himself from processing his own pain. 

Thanks Ene!  And for the record personally I feel like necro etiquette shouldn't apply to fanworks, but maybe that's just me .

I'm really glad you picked up on the Edgedancer vibes - I'm not a huge Adolin as Edgedancer fan, but the way the oath worked fit too well not to include.

[cosmere_play he/him, she/her. Go nuts]

This felt sweet and sad to read! Adolin is a total helper type and I can definitely see him always wanting to be surrounded by people to help keep his own darkness at bay. That man is in for a breakdown at some point, he can't hold it together forever...

And I liked how you brought in what Kaladin would know from his work as a surgeon in order to support Adolin. That felt right to me. 

[Cheyenne Sedai she/her]

Absolutely love this fic. Great work Matt