Rules for Surviving a Fantasy World

[Aon Ati he/him]

I'm sure that I'm not alone when I say that I often imagine about living in a fantasy world. All the cool magic and creatures would make a fantasy land a great place to live. But as I continue to indulge in fantasy media, I have noticed a couple of patterns of behavior that, if acted out, lead to a character ending up in grave danger. This thread is designed to gather knowledge on what and what not to do in a fantasy world. These are my big three rules:

1. Never summon a demon, spirit, etc.

    No matter the book, movie, or even video game, every time a person tries to summon some supernatural creature to use in some way, it usually ends with the summoner being attacked/killed by the creature and it then being the main source of conflict for the rest of the story. When ever I read or see someone in a fantasy world about to do this, I automatically know what is about to happen.

2. Never touch treasure that you or someone else happen to find.

    I've noticed that treasure that is just laying on the ground in the middle of nowhere in fantasy has a high percentage of being cursed or belongs to a very scary individual.

3. Always be kind to strangers in the woods.

    There is a chance that this person is not trustworthy, but better safe then sorry. It could be a kindly old wizard who could grant you a wish. Or turn you into a frog if you annoy him.

Those are my rules for surviving a fantasy world.

[C. M. Hayden he/him]

4. Don't worry when it comes to combat. 99% of all enemy attacks will miss you, but 99% of your attacks will hit your enemies.

[King Cole he/him]

5. Avoid Wandering bards or tinkerers, all they bring are deadly quests

[Faceless Mist-Wraith he/him]

On March 17, 2018 at 0:38 AM, C. M. Hayden said:

4. Don't worry when it comes to combat. 99% of all enemy attacks will miss you, but 99% of your attacks will hit your enemies.

The caveat to this rule of course being that your efficiency in battle is directly proportional to your importance to the story.

5. Additionally, while it is important to make your self valuable to whomever the "main character" appears to be, it is also important to toe the line between helpful and heartfelt companion. You must be helpful enough that you are kept around/alive, and yet not important enough personally to the hero to be used for inspiration via a touching death scene. These rules only hold of course if you are not in a grimmer fiction that has a tendency to kill off characters.

6. Don't be a messenger. Bad things always happen to messengers.

7. Don't be a scout. See above.

8. Don't work for a despotic ruler. Or bad people in general. You're either going to have a redemption arc or you're going to be one of the unnamed henchman killed by their enemies, and statistically speaking the odds aren't in your favor.

9. Don't go into the woods at night. For that matter, don't go anywhere at the night.

10. Don't be a childhood friend of the main character. See rule 5.

11. Don't be a security guard. See rule 6.

12. Stay away from wizards. They just offer quests, and somebody always dies on a quest.

I'll probably think of some more. This is fun.

Edited March 27, 2018 by Faceless Mist-Wraith

[Zennix he/him]

Always try to be friendly to mysterious old men in your village. There is a high possibility that they were great heroes in the past and may teach you some awesome magic and sword fighting skills.

This is very important. Buy a horse! You are going to be doing a great deal of traveling. 

[Ookla the Absent]

On 16/03/2018 at 10:49 PM, Faceless Mist-Wraith said:

9. Don't go into the woods at night. For that matter, don't go anywhere at the night.

10. Don't kill people at night

11. Don't kindle... wait a sec...

[Faceless Mist-Wraith he/him]

13. Avoid exploring tombs. Tombs either have traps, curses, monsters, or high value artifacts, and the artifacts are almost never worth it.

14. Do not, under any circumstances, plot to kill your nephew/niece.

15. In the event that you ignored rule 14, be thorough. Don't trust that your minion/servant/bodyguard did the job correctly.

Edited March 20, 2018 by Faceless Mist-Wraith
words in wrong order

[Shqueeves]

16. Being comedy relief is to your benefit as you'll get powerful plot armor

[Nathrangking he/him]

17.If you are offered great power by a mysterious being say no. Terrible things result when you make bargains with unknown beings. 

18. Don't be the king!! It's not so great to be the king!!

[Mistspren she/her]

19. Don’t eat the cookies. (Wait...)

20. Don’t be the love interest to a budding main character before the plot starts. You won’t even live to see chapter 1.

21. Don’t be the mentor to the protagonist. Just say no.

22. Don’t be the main villain. No matter how fun it sounds.

23. Don’t follow the creepy sound into the forest.

Spoiler

24. Don’t anger the king by challenging Amaram to a duel. Unless you are Axies the Collector and want to see some nice captivityspren. 

25. Be Hoid.

26. Bring the armor with you. It’ll be useful, I promise.

27. If you happen to be a god, don’t rest on your laurels. Or ignore the people plotting to assassinate you.

28. Always hire better guards. The standard issue ones come with defects (ie inability to keep things not stolen/keep friends not dead)

29. When hiring employees or accepting quest members, do a thorough background check. Twice.

30. Don’t ignore the mentor.

[Dunkum he/him]

(specific to video game universes I suppose) keep all your valuables on you around town, there is no telling when teh so-called heroes are going to break into your house and rifle through all your stuff.

[Sunbird she/her]

31. If you don't find a body, THEY'RE NOT DEAD. This is doubly true when it was your worst enemy that went off a cliff and appeared to die. TRIPLY true if someone says, "There's no way they could have survived that."

[Kaymyth she/her]

Man, this thread is giving me so many ideas on tropes to break.

[SilverTiger she/her]

When someone (who knows what they're doing) tells you to stay put and/or not to touch/do/say anything, listen and obey them. And if you get lost, stay put until your friends find you. Keep your mouth shut, pay attention to things, and don't make assumptions.

[Faceless Mist-Wraith he/him]

32. Do not attempt to abuse rule 31 by bribing someone to say "There's no way they could have survived that." in the event of your apparent death. This will almost certainly result in the universe making your death an exception to the above rule, as well as ensure that said death will be excessively brutal/painful, since the universe hates when someone tries to be clever.

33. In the event that you ignored rule 9, and you happen to find a mysterious object, refrain from picking it up. This goes doubly so if you hear any suspicious noises, either from the object or your surroundings.

34. In the event that you are dragged into a war with a neighboring country/feudal state/etc., do not promise a loved one/friend that "you'll make it home alive". This will almost certainly guarantee that you will in fact die, and the main character will likely have to bring some bloodstained precious memento of yours to your now grieving spouse/friend/pet/etc.

• Note: Not having a precious memento does not exclude you from rule 34. It only means that the main character will either recount some meaningful experience the two of you had, or experience an awkward silence with your loved one/friend as they mourn.

 

 

Edited July 19, 2018 by Faceless Mist-Wraith

[thegatorgirl00 she/her]

35. If an older mentor drags you out on a quest, demand that they tell you EVERYTHING. Ignore when they say not knowing is for your own good or they'll tell you more once you have more experience. Get answers about the prophecy/magical artifact/Chosen One right then, especially since they will die soon. Hopefully with the information you can avoid them manipulating you into fulfilling your destiny by committing a heroic sacrifice. 

[Mistspren she/her]

36. If you seem to be about halfway through the protagonist’s arc and everything is going well, GET THE DAMNATION OUT OF THERE. RUN LIKE YOUR RUSTING LIFE DEPENDS ON IT, BECAUSE STORMFATHER, IT MIGHT. 

Everything is about to go horribly wrong. 

37. If a person starts receiving visions of the future, or someone dreams something important, don’t tell them they are crazy and dismiss them. Pay attention to everything they have to say and try to interpret the messages to avoid more deaths or nefarious traps.

38. If some crazy person tries to tell you something that seems like gibberish or madness, pay attention to them. It’s either very important, or they are Hoid. 

39. Don’t trust that (those) new crew member(s) your ship just hired.

40. If by some chance you are the villain, don’t be overconfident and overlook the main character as no threat. Don’t toy with them or set up elegant traps. Don’t trust your minions to do the job. (See rule 15) Most importantly, don’t build a storming back entrance into your base. No matter how secret it is.

[Ookla the Absent]

Relevant

[Zennix he/him]

50. If you are the villain and there is a prophecy that a young hero will be your doom, don't try to find out  and/or attack his/her village. You will fail to eliminate him and only start him on the path to fulfilling the prophecy. 

[SilverTiger she/her]

If you happen to be an evil villain, do not betray/plan to betray your allies, minions, or servants. Don't randomly threaten, kill, or torture them either. Also, be a benevolent tyrant- make nice, fair laws for all the commoners. This will help prevent a rebellion.

[Dunkum he/him]

Really in any prophecy situation, assume that there is nothing you can do to prevent it from coming true.  At best you can delay it.

[Faceless Mist-Wraith he/him]

On 3/22/2018 at 3:55 AM, Zennix said:

50. If you are the villain and there is a prophecy that a young hero will be your doom, don't try to find out  and/or attack his/her village. You will fail to eliminate him and only start him on the path to fulfilling the prophecy. 

What happened to rules 41-49?

41. In the event of a natural disaster based apocalypse, avoid living in cities with famous landmarks, as these will likely be destroyed in a spectacular fashion. Then just pray that one of your friends is the main character, and that their plot-line is to save their family and 1-2 friends.

42. A towel is a massively useful thing. Never go anywhere without one.

43. In the event of an alien invasion, see rule 41.

44. In the event of the zombie apocalypse, see rule 41. Additionally, never trust a person when they say any of the following things:"It's just a scratch", "I cut my hand", or "I'm not feeling too good".

Edited March 16, 2022 by Faceless Mist-Wraith

[Aon Ati he/him]

Rule 51.  Make an animal friend.

       Preferably one that can kill your enemies. A hamster is not the best idea for a guard animal, unless that hamster has reality altering powers and looks adorable while laying waste to your enemies. In that case, make that hamster your friends at any cost. A more practical animal is a dog/wolf, big cat, etc. 

       WARNING: there is a 90% chance that this animal friend will die by the end of your quest, most likely by sacrificing themselves for you. To avoid this, lock it in a concrete room (leaving food and water), place several boulders in front of the door, place guards who own their lives to you in front of the room to keep your pet in, and only after that are you allowed to go on the final part of the quest. This might seem harsh but this will significantly decrease the chances of your pet following you into danger.

[Zennix he/him]

3 hours ago, Faceless Mist-Wraith said:

What happened to rules 41-49?

Lol!  I guess my subconscious likes the number 50. 

[Draginon he/him]

Rule 52. Don't be a parent. Your chances of being killed have exploded by 50%.