Sexual Orientation?

[Claincy he/him]

Aromantic and asexual aren't precise terms and some people disagree over the definition but in general (to my understanding anyway):

An asexual person specifically doesn't feel a desire to have sex.

An aromantic person doesn't feel a desire for romantic interactions.

Both terms cover a spectrum and the term "grey-aromantic" or "grey-asexual" is sometimes used by people who identify as being somewhere along those spectrums. Choosing not to engage in sexual or romantic activities isn't the same as not feeling the desire for them but unsurprisingly enough many (but not all of course) people who are on the spectrum do choose not to. To my knowledge it's not uncommon for someone on 1 spectrum to be on the other but some people definitely are one and not the other.

In any case, they are labels that you can choose to apply to yourself if you like. If it helps you to identify as one of them, good for you! If it doesn't, don't use it

6 hours ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

On asexuality: An IRL friend of mine is asexual, and the way she puts it, it's not a lack of sexual awareness or a dislike of it; it's just a lack of interest. She described seeing an attractive person like looking at a beautiful painting in a gallery: She can see how beautiful it is, and she'll admire it, and appreciate it as a work of art, and perhaps want to spend more time with it so she can understand it better, but she won't want to sleep with it. 

She also wants me to write a short story about an asexual pirate who is teased by the crew until he saves them all from sirens, but my plot bunny's run away from me on that one.  

Hmm, that's a pretty good description

Personally I identify as grey-asexual & grey-aromantic. I'm not totally without those feelings of attraction but what bit of it I do feel is more of an occasional annoyance/irritation. It's difficult for me to emotionally understand the importance and prevalence most people place on those kinds of relationships and for the most part I view those kind of interactions as awkward & uncomfortable. Like Twi's friend I do notice good looking people (women, I'm straight for whatever degree of feelings I have) but beyond that immediate/automatic aesthetic appreciation I'm not really interested. I also find most examples of romance/sexual interactions in fiction boring at best. It's a bit like disliking sports and going to a school where that's the main thing everyone seems to want to talk about.

As @Kaymyth said: when you're a teenager your hormones go kinda nuts and how you feel then may be very different to how you feel later in life.

This may or may not be an unpopular opinion but I think that A: a person's sexuality is heavily influenced by their life experiences to that point, and B: it is very possible to modify your sexuality through conscious choice over an extended period of time. I'm not saying that you can completely shift your sexuality or that it is equally possible for everyone but I definitely think it's possible to deliberately shift yourself along a spectrum (having done so myself). The brain grows and develops in the ways you feed it.

[Spoolofwhool]

Asexual, I'm pretty sure, and my friends, with whom I've talked about it with also think so. At the same time though, I'm romantically inclined towards people of the female persuasion, but even then, it's fairly slight. It's kind of a lonely feeling I find, because I can't really understand people when they talk about romantic or intimate relationships, though I do understand how important people find it. Kind of sucks really.

[marsoupial they/them]

OK,  another bi aphorism coming your way: 

I drive down a two-way street

Happy bi visibility day, by the way! 

I realize this applies to probably none of you but still! 

[Briar King]

Straight male and never once had any doubts about it. Funnily enough my parents did because I was always with my friends (males) and didn't go on dates and all 4 of us were inseparable. Their doubts were instantly erased when I had to tell them they maybe grandparents at 15 yrs old. Afterwards they told me what they had been discussing for 2 yrs or so.

[Darkness Ascendant he/him]

Since I'm here, I might as well say that I am a hetero.

Being straight is strongly influenced by friends, family, religion and tradition.

[Delightful]

16 hours ago, Kaymyth said:

I continue to be bewildered by these super-serious teens on the site who are all, "Yeah, I like this person, but I'm not ready to date yet and I am going to ignore the feels."  I suspect wizardry on their part.

I realize that you're in full-blown high school teenage hormone bomb mode and this isn't all that helpful for you right now, but I promise...it gets better in college.  It becomes a lot easier to find a pool of like-minded people from which to suss out potential partners.

Well I kind of get it. When I was 14 I had a full-blown crush on a singer who shall remain unnamed, I denied this crush so vigorously to myself that I remember thinking "he sings well and he is objectively attractive but he's old (late twenties I think) and married and clearly this isn't a crush". And I believed myself fully. The reality dawned on me a couple years later and I had a good laugh at myself. 

Largely influenced by my schools attitude of 'dating is only for marriage' combined with (im only exaggerating a little) "boys are eeeeeevil don't talk to them or look at them or talk about them or pass them in the corridor by the way be modest so males aren't uncomfortable around you". 

So. Yeah. Not one of their strong points. 

7 hours ago, Spoolofwhool said:

Asexual, I'm pretty sure, and my friends, with whom I've talked about it with also think so. At the same time though, I'm romantically inclined towards people of the female persuasion, but even then, it's fairly slight. It's kind of a lonely feeling I find, because I can't really understand people when they talk about romantic or intimate relationships, though I do understand how important people find it. Kind of sucks really.

You can still have intimate friendships! Romance and or sexuality is not the only way to be close to people! 

One of the things I really dislike about media representation, particularly for women but I think all-round, is that people are only super close when they're romantically involved. It's insanely rare for close friends to just be friends. So we have Cap and Bucky but so many people ship them.

Platonically: Jessica Jones and Trish. Zoe and Mal Reynolds. The new ghostbusters. 

Cap and black widow can't be friends without shipping, same with widow and Hawkeye in avengers 1. Ok I'm a marvel geek, what else do I know of? Supernatural. Brothers. People ship them. 

Sherlock and Watson are shipped together. 

Stranger Things, by the end 11 is a love interest - the others are close friends though. 

Heck, people even ship Anna and Elsa. 

Tl;dr, friends can be intimately close without sex getting involved.  I don't believe asexuality should leave you forever lonely. I think media representation is messed up. 

 

7 hours ago, bleeder said:

OK,  another bi aphorism coming your way: 

I drive down a two-way street

Happy bi visibility day, by the way! 

I realize this applies to probably none of you but still! 

Driving down a two way street makes me think of driving and reversing and turning around in traffic and general mayhem. 

6 hours ago, Briar King said:

Straight male and never once had any doubts about it. Funnily enough my parents did because I was always with my friends (males) and didn't go on dates and all 4 of us were inseparable. Their doubts were instantly erased when I had to tell them they maybe grandparents at 15 yrs old. Afterwards they told me what they had been discussing for 2 yrs or so.

..........I can haz story please? Sounds nice and dramatic. No pressure

[Mestiv he/him]

48 minutes ago, Delightful said:

One of the things I really dislike about media representation, particularly for women but I think all-round, is that people are only super close when they're romantically involved. It's insanely rare for close friends to just be friends. So we have Cap and Bucky but so many people ship them.

Platonically: Jessica Jones and Trish. Zoe and Mal Reynolds. The new ghostbusters. 

Cap and black widow can't be friends without shipping, same with widow and Hawkeye in avengers 1. Ok I'm a marvel geek, what else do I know of? Supernatural. Brothers. People ship them. 

Sherlock and Watson are shipped together. 

Stranger Things, by the end 11 is a love interest - the others are close friends though. 

Heck, people even ship Anna and Elsa. 

Tl;dr, friends can be intimately close without sex getting involved.  I don't believe asexuality should leave you forever lonely. I think media representation is messed up

Spoiler

 

 

[Zathoth]

Of course sex, love and romance have about nothing to do with each other. You can have one without any of the other. I almost slept with my best friend, I did love her, but I didnt want to be a thing with her. It was her idea by the way, dont look at me like that. Now she's dating another friend of mine and I dont talk to either of them anymore, but that has nothing to do with anything.

... you know what, I already went on this rant in the Relationships thread, but what the storms, lets do it again.

Spoiler

I am, personally, really uncomfortable with commitment. It feels like being chained down, like only being able to eat one kind of food for the rest of your life.

So relationships are really lose-lose to me. I am either stuck with someone forever, having to care about their opinions about things, or things will break off, messily. There is no winning for me in this. I dont think humans are worth that much time and energy in the first place.

And I a nowhere near asexual, it is frustrating XD There seems to be mostly two options, one is my greatest fear (Yes, the Eldritch Abomination is horrified of commitment, you thought I would have an interesting greatest fear?... as a side note I wonder h0w that would manifest as an epic weakness...) and the other option (one night stands) seems... boring.

I dont really understand romance in the first place, Ive had it explained to me so many times, but I just end up confused, asking annoying questions and really pissing off the person who tries to explain it to me XD

I am sure there is a point in there somewhere if you look.

 

10 hours ago, Cognizantastic said:

Pretty much. Like, right now I'm developing a frustratingly strong crush on a close female friend (different one than I've mentioned before), and it's just like...

No.

Stawhp. 

Seriously, I just want to be her friend like I have been for the past year, not all "ohmygoshsheissocutewowza".

Ive had a bunch of female friends I have the "ohmygoshsheissocutewowza" reaction to. It is a perfectly ok reaction, considering I have the same reaction to cats... I guess it is kind of different with women, but hey... cute beings are cute. Enjoy the cuteness. Finding someone stupidly adowables is just a reaction, like any other reaction.

[Quiver he/him]

..Eh, storm it. Might as well throw this out here.

I do identify as male, and straight. But I'll admit, I have had some idle curiosity about how the other side lives. "What would it be like to be a girl," or, "What would it be like to date a guy".

... though, important note to add that idle wondering is about as far as that stuff actually goes. Looking at guys, I see absolutely no reason why anyone would be interested in us, ever. We're kind of awful. 

Edited September 24, 2016 by Quiver

[Delightful]

49 minutes ago, Quiver said:

..Eh, storm it. Might as well throw this out here.

I do identify as male, and straight. But I'll admit, I have had some idle curiosity about how the other side lives. "What would it be like to be a girl," or, "What would it be like to date a guy".

... though, important note to add that idle wondering is about as far as that stuff actually goes. Looking at guys, I see absolutely no reason why anyone would be interested in us, ever. We're kind of awful. 

There are good people and bad people and scary people and wonderfully weird people of every description. Sure, some guys are kind of awful. Some guys are just kind. Don't lose faith in half of all of humanity! and don't be sexist  

[Quiver he/him]

Just now, Delightful said:

There are good people and bad people and scary people and wonderfully weird people of every description. Sure, some guys are kind of awful. Some guys are just kind. Don't lose faith in half of all of humanity! and don't be sexist  

Eh, most guys I know irl are kind of jerks. 

...But I'm also just talking physically. I mean, seriously. I do not get the appeal of men, at all. Which... yeah. Of course I wouldn't get the appeal, since I'm not wired to think of men as attractive. But I have zero idea what it is that someone would find attractive traits in guys.

...though, I'm sure that that same comment could be turned for anything. "I don't see why people find X attractive," and all that. Different people, different opinions. 

[Delightful]

1 minute ago, Quiver said:

Eh, most guys I know irl are kind of jerks. 

...But I'm also just talking physically. I mean, seriously. I do not get the appeal of men, at all. Which... yeah. Of course I wouldn't get the appeal, since I'm not wired to think of men as attractive. But I have zero idea what it is that someone would find attractive traits in guys.

...though, I'm sure that that same comment could be turned for anything. "I don't see why people find X attractive," and all that. Different people, different opinions. 

If you go by celebrities, they all apparently have to look exactly the same as each other .

Seriously. It's like they copy paste faces and tweak and a couple of features.

[Quiver he/him]

Just now, Delightful said:

If you go by celebrities, they all apparently have to look exactly the same as each other .

Seriously. It's like they copy paste faces and tweak and a couple of features.

I'm pretty sure that that is exactly what they do do? Or, they airbrush people's faces to clear up any distinguishing imperfections.

...Which, actually, is kind of funny. I remember reading somewhere -and seeing pictures- that show how a lot of portraits painted back in Medieval/Georgian period look exactly the same, since people were working off of a standardised view of beauty, and if someone was rich enough to commision a portrait you might not want to offend them by suggesting they didn't match what society had identified as "beautiful".

(Granted, there was also the opinion that physical appearance was a reflection of moral virtue. Drawing a man as ugly would be seen as defaming his character which... again. Powerful land owners in an era before trials. Not a smart move.)

[Delightful]

11 minutes ago, Quiver said:

I'm pretty sure that that is exactly what they do do? Or, they airbrush people's faces to clear up any distinguishing imperfections.

...Which, actually, is kind of funny. I remember reading somewhere -and seeing pictures- that show how a lot of portraits painted back in Medieval/Georgian period look exactly the same, since people were working off of a standardised view of beauty, and if someone was rich enough to commision a portrait you might not want to offend them by suggesting they didn't match what society had identified as "beautiful".

(Granted, there was also the opinion that physical appearance was a reflection of moral virtue. Drawing a man as ugly would be seen as defaming his character which... again. Powerful land owners in an era before trials. Not a smart move.)

Well, yeah I don't think anyone will disagree that Hollywood's definition of 'beauty' is.....rather limited for all concerned.

[Young Bard he/him]

I'll join the 'asexual' club. When I first started reading books which had more adult scenes in theme and my friends started taking an interest in that kind of thing, I sort still found something vaguely... unsanitary about the whole process. Wait, you find it enjoyable to do what?! *shivers slightly* Over time, my stance on it sort of moved to ambivalence, although I still find scenes that are particularly detailed slightly weird.

The thing is, beauty isn't a set tradition. There is no one things that resembles beauty, and it changes over time. In the Elizabethan Era, an 'ambivalent' look was considered beautiful. In the Victorian Era, thin-ness was considered ugly, as it was seen as a symbol of malnourishment, which considered right up until Hollywood movies changed the style again. So when people ask me whether I recognize 'beauty', that's my response. Beauty, at it's heart, is purely subjective, at this point in time one that is largely influenced by the media, so I see no reason to follow that trend if I don't feel like it.

Oh, Claincy, an alternative I've heard to 'grey asexual/aromantic' is 'demisexual/demiromantic'.

[Delightful]

4 minutes ago, The Young Bard said:

I'll join the 'asexual' club. When I first started reading books which had more adult scenes in theme and my friends started taking an interest in that kind of thing, I sort still found something vaguely... unsanitary about the whole process. Wait, you find it enjoyable to do what?! *shivers slightly* Over time, my stance on it sort of moved to ambivalence, although I still find scenes that are particularly detailed slightly weird.

The thing is, beauty isn't a set tradition. There is no one things that resembles beauty, and it changes over time. In the Elizabethan Era, an 'ambivalent' look was considered beautiful. In the Victorian Era, thin-ness was considered ugly, as it was seen as a symbol of malnourishment, which considered right up until Hollywood movies changed the style again. So when people ask me whether I recognize 'beauty', that's my response. Beauty, at it's heart, is purely subjective, at this point in time one that is largely influenced by the media, so I see no reason to follow that trend if I don't feel like it.

Oh, Claincy, an alternative I've heard to 'grey asexual/aromantic' is 'demisexual/demiromantic'.

There is a wonderful Hank Green video about beauty standards.

 

[Kaymyth she/her]

9 hours ago, Morzathoth said:

Of course sex, love and romance have about nothing to do with each other. You can have one without any of the other. I almost slept with my best friend, I did love her, but I didnt want to be a thing with her. It was her idea by the way, dont look at me like that. Now she's dating another friend of mine and I dont talk to either of them anymore, but that has nothing to do with anything.

... you know what, I already went on this rant in the Relationships thread, but what the storms, lets do it again.

  Hide contents

I am, personally, really uncomfortable with commitment. It feels like being chained down, like only being able to eat one kind of food for the rest of your life.

So relationships are really lose-lose to me. I am either stuck with someone forever, having to care about their opinions about things, or things will break off, messily. There is no winning for me in this. I dont think humans are worth that much time and energy in the first place.

And I a nowhere near asexual, it is frustrating XD There seems to be mostly two options, one is my greatest fear (Yes, the Eldritch Abomination is horrified of commitment, you thought I would have an interesting greatest fear?... as a side note I wonder h0w that would manifest as an epic weakness...) and the other option (one night stands) seems... boring.

I dont really understand romance in the first place, Ive had it explained to me so many times, but I just end up confused, asking annoying questions and really pissing off the person who tries to explain it to me XD

I am sure there is a point in there somewhere if you look.

 

Ive had a bunch of female friends I have the "ohmygoshsheissocutewowza" reaction to. It is a perfectly ok reaction, considering I have the same reaction to cats... I guess it is kind of different with women, but hey... cute beings are cute. Enjoy the cuteness. Finding someone stupidly adowables is just a reaction, like any other reaction.

Morz, has it occurred to you that you might be hardwired for polyamory?  Because it kind of sounds like you might like a little romance in your life, but don't want it to be all-encompassing, and don't necessarily want to be exclusive.  I doubt you'd be the first poly person to not particularly want any primary relationships, but would like to have a secondary or two floating around without a full-time OMG You Are My One Twu Wuv thing going on.

7 hours ago, Quiver said:

Eh, most guys I know irl are kind of jerks. 

...But I'm also just talking physically. I mean, seriously. I do not get the appeal of men, at all. Which... yeah. Of course I wouldn't get the appeal, since I'm not wired to think of men as attractive. But I have zero idea what it is that someone would find attractive traits in guys.

...though, I'm sure that that same comment could be turned for anything. "I don't see why people find X attractive," and all that. Different people, different opinions. 

Heh.  It varies wildly by individual.  There are a lot of people who have hordes of women drooling after them who I glance and and think, "meh."  I am attracted to men.  But I am not attracted to ALL of them, or even necessarily MOST of them.  And I am not always attracted to the sort of men that society thinks I ought to be attracted to.  The whole thing is a giant lump of YMMV.

[Left he/him]

Just a plain ol' straight guy for the most part. When I see a handsome or hot dude, I can appreciate him asthetically, but I don't find guys sexually attractive. I also totally get what Quiver was saying about not getting why anyone Would be attracted to dudes, I don't really understand it either that well. 

So, yup. That's about it. 

[Zathoth]

47 minutes ago, Kaymyth said:

Morz, has it occurred to you that you might be hardwired for polyamory?  Because it kind of sounds like you might like a little romance in your life, but don't want it to be all-encompassing, and don't necessarily want to be exclusive.  I doubt you'd be the first poly person to not particularly want any primary relationships, but would like to have a secondary or two floating around without a full-time OMG You Are My One Twu Wuv thing going on.

Yes, I did consider that for a while, then I realized that it would just be multiplying the problem XD I guess some kind of FWBesqueish thing would be ok. I dont know, I havent figured out how I am wired yet, just that I am wired a bit differently from the standard model.

[Kaymyth she/her]

5 minutes ago, Morzathoth said:

Yes, I did consider that for a while, then I realized that it would just be multiplying the problem XD I guess some kind of FWBesqueish thing would be ok. I dont know, I havent figured out how I am wired yet, just that I am wired a bit differently from the standard model.

Heh.  Depends on exactly how you handle it, I think, and how well you communicate your needs to any potential partner(s).  It's also quite possible to be completely aromantic, but still want to pursue a physical relationship with someone you have an emotional connection to.  FWB is more in that category, but sometimes you have to just look at it from the angle of "What do I want and/or need?" and try to build something from there.

Really, there's no one size fits all solution to relationships.  We live in a society that puts a very high value on monogamy, and that works extremely well for a lot of people.  But it doesn't work for everyone cause our hearts and brains aren't all put together the same way.

[Zathoth]

11 minutes ago, Kaymyth said:

Heh.  Depends on exactly how you handle it, I think, and how well you communicate your needs to any potential partner(s).  It's also quite possible to be completely aromantic, but still want to pursue a physical relationship with someone you have an emotional connection to.  FWB is more in that category, but sometimes you have to just look at it from the angle of "What do I want and/or need?" and try to build something from there.

Really, there's no one size fits all solution to relationships.  We live in a society that puts a very high value on monogamy, and that works extremely well for a lot of people.  But it doesn't work for everyone cause our hearts and brains aren't all put together the same way.

Friends with a chance of... meatballs? (Innuendo intended)... there must be a better innuendo to make out of that... Anyway, then I just have to figure out what I want/need XD

[Queen Elsa Steelheart she/her]

I'm straight, but I've never had a boyfriend......I'm as single as a pringle

[Spoolofwhool]

2 hours ago, Queen Elsa Steelheart said:

I'm straight, but I've never had a boyfriend......I'm as single as a pringle

And a lovely pringle to boot, I'm sure.

[Sunbird she/her]

@Queen Elsa Steelheart But but but what about "you can't eat just one potato chip"? By that definition Pringles are not very single at all.

[Kaymyth she/her]

22 minutes ago, Sunbird said:

@Queen Elsa Steelheart But but but what about "you can't eat just one potato chip"? By that definition Pringles are not very single at all.

Hee.  Great minds think alike.