Spieles – 5/9/2016 -- Heir – ch. 6 - May 9, 2016 – 3,931 words (L, V, *D)

[spieles]

18-year-old Oz (Oscar) fights the Rex, violent mutants who can breathe despite the earth's low oxygen levels. Oz has set bombs to take a group of Rex out when the Rex spring his trap and after a chase leave him for dead. He escapes only to realize that the Rex are planning to use his bombs to trap a military caravan full of Aurum's Brides - and so he blows the bombs before the Rex can blow the caravan. 

 

He meets the commander of the caravan - who stares at him in a rather creepy way. But then once their in the car, Oz recognizes her. She's Eleanor Penton - the chairman and owner, really, of Aurum.

 

Back at his trading post, Oz is accosted by Johnny, an eight year old boy, who is excited to show Oz that his depressed mother Mona is out of bed and working again. Meanwhile, Oz’s guardian John Calgary wants Oz to consider Eleanor Penton’s recruitment for her cabinet. Oz takes the test and passes, but feels no joy. He doesn’t want to go to Aurum. That night, Oz goes out to the storage shed where he meets Hayden, a beautiful girl who’s messing with the room’s fire to create a bizarre form of art. They see Mona outside heading toward the cricket sheds.

 

The next day, Eleanor Penton approaches him about joining her team. Meanwhile, Oz is outside, wool gathering when  Hayden joins him. They talk, tension builds, they makeout, and then Johnny shows up, freaking out over his mom. Oz follows him to find Mona - with Raj. Raj is Johnny's dad. He's supposed to be dead. Instead he's a Rex.

 

*Note: six-wheelers are now "magnetars" in the manuscript.

 

Do your worst! All feedback appreciated.

 

Also curious, since this chapter concludes part 1 of the story, if you notice anything in the past that you would have changed.

[kais]

I just sent you the line-by-line

 

Generally, while I enjoyed the various reveals in this chapter, the action sequence dragged for me. I found myself skimming it towards the end. Realizing again that I am not your target demographic for this book, it felt longwinded and without much character movement. It would likely work better for me, anyway, with a  bit more introspection from Oz throughout, especially in the break between the first fight and the second.

 

Of course, love the reveal with Penton and the angst that causes!

[Mandamon he/him]

Contrary to kaisa, I probably am close to your target audience (is this YA, or general SciFi?).  I liked the action in this chapter, but like kaisa, I did get a little bogged down near the end (you can see some of my confusion in the notes below).  I think it's mainly a question of clarifying a few passages.  I really enjoyed the reveal--if I had the full book in front of my, I would have flipped back to the beginning to see if there were any clues laid out, as I totally missed it.

 

 

pg 1: ok--here's the explanation I was wondering about last chapter.  Now my question is, how does Oz know?  Have they interrogated or dissected some of the Rex?

 

pg 1: "only inactive in the presence of their own kind"

--Yet he's not attacking Mona or his son...  He does later, but I'm still wondering how Mona got him there.

 

pg 3: "He, after all, was the one who taught me this."

--So Raj has an agenda to infiltrate the trading post?  I'm finding it hard to equate higher planning skills with uncontrollable bloodlust...

 

pg 6: "And Calgary might be something of a flirt, but it’s more than that. Penton’s communicating with him like they’ve known each other for years."

--Didn't fully understand this.  Are you implying that they did know each other, or that there's something developing between them?

 

pg 9: "At my side, Penton says, “We have masks. They don’t.”"

--Who?  The escaping traders, or the Rex?

 

pg 9: "The Bride blocks him,"

--I don't remember how many Brides are with them at this point.  Is this the last one that's not Penton?

 

Good reveal on page 10.  Didn't see that coming.

 

Very cool.  You've got a good stepping-off point for the rest of the story.  Very interested to see more!

[Robinski he/him]

Phew, this chapter is quite the breathless rush of action. I’ve got some observations below, but overall I enjoyed it. I liked the breathless pace, the sudden reveal amidst the flight from the Rex and the constant feeling of threat, not so much from individual Rex, but from the threat of them falling on the fleeing humans.

 

The initial failure of Penton and her Brides to be aware of the attack was my single biggest disappointment. That is just not convincing. It felt like it needed to happen for story purposes, but having no guards on duty did not convince me at all.

 

The other bit that troubled me, although not as much, was the diatribe from the lead Rex. He seemed so lucid and almost humorous in places that it was hard to put that dialogue beside the description of the condition / infection.

 

All-in-all though, good work, I think the plot is advancing nicely, not always as expected, and I'm keen to follow the story to the end.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“Still, as Raj come comes at me, I hesitate for a second—but only for a second” – It feel like a lot longer than a second as we go through the symptoms of turning Rex. It felt like a couple of minutes to me. Also, how do they know what Rex feel when they transform? It sounds like an account of someone having interviewed a Rex, which seems unlikely.

 

“The gate is wide open, the external sensors are down, and the camera feed to the trading post arsenal is whited out.” – This is a chill down the spine moment, good job.

 

“Calgary breaks his wrist with his first stomp and smashes his nose with his second.” – This reads like Calgary is taking the injuries.

 

“Easier to suff us than kill us one by one” – What’s ‘suff’?

 

At this point, I'm unhappy that neither of them is trying to raise the alarm. They have a flock of brides on the premises, some loud noise should bring them into the action and make the fight much more even, surely. Ooh, a gunshot should do it, and we’ve just had one of those.

 

“But the alarms…” Penton, back in armor, looks from Calgary to the door. “We thought someone was working in the forge. Two of my Brides went to investigate, but they should have been back by now.” – Nope, sorry, this is pathetic. I had a good impression of the brides and Penton being competent, that just evaporated. I struggle to believe that they would have no guards / lookouts set. Eleanor strikes me as being comfortably paranoid enough not to trust to ‘mechanical/digital’ security systems. In fact, the trading post residents also seem foolhardy in this regard.

 

“And Calgary might be something of a flirt, but it’s more than that.”

 

“the four of us fall back, running back into the building” – repetition.

 

“so relaxed its it’s almost human”

 

“She tried tries to step in front of me, but I side step her”

 

“The Rex doesn’t even have a second to draw his gun” – On the previous page he has two guns and they are both out.

 

“black smoke ruminates in a waffle–shape over the sapling field we planted last year” – I don’t think ‘ruminates’ is the word.

 

“I crack the heel butt of the gun”

 

“I’ll go to Aurum. Calgary is there” – I thought that the first magnetar was wiped out by the second one. I was sure everyone in that first vehicle was dead. Looking back, the wording is “the first magnetar rounds the building a cloud of smoke and dust.” I just don’t feel it’s enough to clarify that they got away.

[Robinski he/him]

Yeah, I'm going to disagree with Kaisa (perhaps not surprising) and a little with Mandamon (shocking!) - I was happy with the pace and the action of the combat, almost because there was little active engagement, but simply through the suspense of the Rex closing in. I had no problem with the arc and atmosphere of the chapter, just some of the details ticked me off a bit.

 

I think it's a very nicely timed and judged ending to Part 1. Good character set-up and development, good, big reveal to keep the reader going and decent placement of the character in a difficult spot with a goal to reach in Part 2. I also imagine goals emerging for the rest of the book too. Get to Aurum to reunite with Calgary and Hayden, then plan how they are going to get Penton back from the Rex.

 

Looking forward to the remainder of the story, here are some observations of things that, for me anyway, feel like they are ongoing issues:

 

- Oz's character maybe needs a spot of tweaking - not wholesale at all - some of his reactions just seem to place him younger than he is, that was my impression anyway;

- I'd like the Rex to be more of a threat. At present, they seem like angry humans with freaky eyes. I'm not a scared of them as I should be, I feel.

- I still don't get the 'chute' thing. Maybe this is a triviality, but I miss doors, will Aurum have doors? I can't visualise a 'chute' as the way into and out of a building.

Edited May 11, 2016 by Robinski

[spieles]

I just sent you the line-by-line

 

Generally, while I enjoyed the various reveals in this chapter, the action sequence dragged for me. I found myself skimming it towards the end. Realizing again that I am not your target demographic for this book, it felt longwinded and without much character movement. It would likely work better for me, anyway, with a  bit more introspection from Oz throughout, especially in the break between the first fight and the second.

 

Yeah, introspection is good. I'm going to go through and pick and pluck. 

 

Of course, love the reveal with Penton and the angst that causes!

 

Angst is the best. Also, I hope you noticed I cut his angsty speech at the end wayyyyyy down but no one has thus far commented on how annoying it was (previously everyone did) so I think that's a good thing.

Edited May 11, 2016 by spieles

[spieles]

 

Contrary to kaisa, I probably am close to your target audience (is this YA, or general SciFi?).  I liked the action in this chapter, but like kaisa, I did get a little bogged down near the end (you can see some of my confusion in the notes below).  I think it's mainly a question of clarifying a few passages.  I really enjoyed the reveal--if I had the full book in front of my, I would have flipped back to the beginning to see if there were any clues laid out, as I totally missed it.

 

So glad you liked the reveal. 

 

 

pg 1: ok--here's the explanation I was wondering about last chapter.  Now my question is, how does Oz know?  Have they interrogated or dissected some of the Rex?

 

I'm actually going to change the start of this chapter to something like - "The Traders say" so that it's clear that Oz's information isn't that reliable.

 

pg 1: "only inactive in the presence of their own kind"

--Yet he's not attacking Mona or his son...  He does later, but I'm still wondering how Mona got him there.

 

Also, going to change this so that Oz is confused too. And that he notices a really freaking weird smell coming from Mona. 

 

pg 3: "He, after all, was the one who taught me this."

--So Raj has an agenda to infiltrate the trading post?  I'm finding it hard to equate higher planning skills with uncontrollable bloodlust...

 

The reality here is that the Rex are perfectly capable of plotting once they've fully transitioned to "full Rex" but it's primarily smell (and eugenic narcissism) that drives their hatred of humans. Like in that first chapter where Oz is hanging from the sill, the Rex can restrain themselves if they really really want to. They just normally don't. I might add some of these conclusions to this Raj/Johnny/Mona/Oz exchange....

 

pg 6: "And Calgary might be something of a flirt, but it’s more than that. Penton’s communicating with him like they’ve known each other for years."

--Didn't fully understand this.  Are you implying that they did know each other, or that there's something developing between them?

 

Uh, yeah, I think this is an edit upon edit situation gone wrong. There's nothing remotely flirty here. So gonna cut.

 

pg 9: "At my side, Penton says, “We have masks. They don’t.”"

--Who?  The escaping traders, or the Rex?

 

LBL. Thank you.

 

pg 9: "The Bride blocks him,"

--I don't remember how many Brides are with them at this point.  Is this the last one that's not Penton?

 

Gonna clarify....

 

Good reveal on page 10.  Didn't see that coming.

 

Very cool.  You've got a good stepping-off point for the rest of the story.  Very interested to see more!

 

Thank you so much for reading and commenting. I really appreciate it.

 

[spieles]

Phew, this chapter is quite the breathless rush of action. I’ve got some observations below, but overall I enjoyed it. I liked the breathless pace, the sudden reveal amidst the flight from the Rex and the constant feeling of threat, not so much from individual Rex, but from the threat of them falling on the fleeing humans.

 

The initial failure of Penton and her Brides to be aware of the attack was my single biggest disappointment. That is just not convincing. It felt like it needed to happen for story purposes, but having no guards on duty did not convince me at all.

 

You know, this is something that bothered me when I was writing it, but I kept changing the blocking of the scene.... I think it might make the most sense for Calgary and Oz to find a dead bride at the end of the hallway. Also, I think this might be a good way to indicate some sort of foul play by one of the Brides... Claire? Hayden? Fun stuff to tantalize the reader.

 

The other bit that troubled me, although not as much, was the diatribe from the lead Rex. He seemed so lucid and almost humorous in places that it was hard to put that dialogue beside the description of the condition / infection.

 

Yeah, I think this might be a good opportunity to address some of the ideas about the Rex. Have Oz actually be surprised by how human he seems. The Rex can even mock Oz for it or something - a way to clue in the reader that there are stages and rumors and Oz really doesn't know that much. With his understandable hatred, he's super prone to believing what he wants to hear.

 

All-in-all though, good work, I think the plot is advancing nicely, not always as expected, and I'm keen to follow the story to the end.

 

-------------------------------------------------------------------

 

“Still, as Raj come comes at me, I hesitate for a second—but only for a second” – It feel like a lot longer than a second as we go through the symptoms of turning Rex. It felt like a couple of minutes to me. Also, how do they know what Rex feel when they transform? It sounds like an account of someone having interviewed a Rex, which seems unlikely.

 

“The gate is wide open, the external sensors are down, and the camera feed to the trading post arsenal is whited out.” – This is a chill down the spine moment, good job.

 

“Calgary breaks his wrist with his first stomp and smashes his nose with his second.” – This reads like Calgary is taking the injuries. Oh, pronounce palooza. Gonna fix.

 

“Easier to suff us than kill us one by one” – What’s ‘suff’? Suffocate. It's used in the first chapter too. I kind of like the slang but here I think it should be "suff us all at once"

 

At this point, I'm unhappy that neither of them is trying to raise the alarm. They have a flock of brides on the premises, some loud noise should bring them into the action and make the fight much more even, surely. Ooh, a gunshot should do it, and we’ve just had one of those. Yeah, I might need to brainstorm the blocking here...

 

“But the alarms…” Penton, back in armor, looks from Calgary to the door. “We thought someone was working in the forge. Two of my Brides went to investigate, but they should have been back by now.” – Nope, sorry, this is pathetic. I had a good impression of the brides and Penton being competent, that just evaporated. I struggle to believe that they would have no guards / lookouts set. Eleanor strikes me as being comfortably paranoid enough not to trust to ‘mechanical/digital’ security systems. In fact, the trading post residents also seem foolhardy in this regard. yeah, this is one of those that I'm going to have to ponder. Calgary and Oz finding a dead bride or two would help but I think there are other steps I could take as well...

 

“And Calgary might be something of a flirt, but it’s more than that.”

 

“the four of us fall back, running back into the building” – repetition.

 

“so relaxed its it’s almost human”

 

“She tried tries to step in front of me, but I side step her”

 

“The Rex doesn’t even have a second to draw his gun” – On the previous page he has two guns and they are both out.

 

“black smoke ruminates in a waffle–shape over the sapling field we planted last year” – I don’t think ‘ruminates’ is the word.

 

“I crack the heel butt of the gun”

 

“I’ll go to Aurum. Calgary is there” – I thought that the first magnetar was wiped out by the second one. I was sure everyone in that first vehicle was dead. Looking back, the wording is “the first magnetar rounds the building a cloud of smoke and dust.” I just don’t feel it’s enough to clarify that they got away. Cool. yeah, I DEFINITELY need to clarify that if it's not clear.

 

You are fabulous thank you so much.

[spieles]

Yeah, I'm going to disagree with Kaisa (perhaps not surprising) and a little with Mandamon (shocking!) - I was happy with the pace and the action of the combat, almost because there was little active engagement, but simply through the suspense of the Rex closing in. I had no problem with the arc and atmosphere of the chapter, just some of the details ticked me off a bit.

 

I think it's a very nicely timed and judged ending to Part 1. Good character set-up and development, good, big reveal to keep the reader going and decent placement of the character in a difficult spot with a goal to reach in Part 2. I also imagine goals emerging for the rest of the book too. Get to Aurum to reunite with Calgary and Hayden, then plan how they are going to get Penton back from the Rex.

 

Looking forward to the remainder of the story, here are some observations of things that, for me anyway, feel like they are ongoing issues:

 

- Oz's character maybe needs a spot of tweaking - not wholesale at all - some of his reactions just seem to place him younger than he is, that was my impression anyway;

Yeah, you are not the only one to say this. These are actually some of the hardest edits for me to notice myself - so anytime you point them out, I am joyful.

- I'd like the Rex to be more of a threat. At present, they seem like angry humans with freaky eyes. I'm not a scared of them as I should be, I feel.

I'm thinking that their method of attack could be way more tactical. As in Oz realizes the second he looks at Raj's screen that the trading post is SCREWED.

- I still don't get the 'chute' thing. Maybe this is a triviality, but I miss doors, will Aurum have doors? I can't visualise a 'chute' as the way into and out of a building.

I'm still trying to think of a better word for this. LOL. Thanks again.

Edited May 11, 2016 by spieles

[Robinski he/him]

The initial failure of Penton and her Brides to be aware of the attack was my single biggest disappointment. That is just not convincing. It felt like it needed to happen for story purposes, but having no guards on duty did not convince me at all.

 

You know, this is something that bothered me when I was writing it, but I kept changing the blocking of the scene.... I think it might make the most sense for Calgary and Oz to find a dead bride at the end of the hallway. Also, I think this might be a good way to indicate some sort of foul play by one of the Brides... Claire? Hayden? Fun stuff to tantalize the reader. Interesting, that would certainly ramp up the tension even more.

 

The other bit that troubled me, although not as much, was the diatribe from the lead Rex. He seemed so lucid and almost humorous in places that it was hard to put that dialogue beside the description of the condition / infection.

 

Yeah, I think this might be a good opportunity to address some of the ideas about the Rex. Agree. Have Oz actually be surprised by how human he seems. The Rex can even mock Oz for it or something - a way to clue in the reader that there are stages and rumors and Oz really doesn't know that much. With his understandable hatred, he's super prone to believing what he wants to hear. 

 

“Easier to suff us than kill us one by one” – What’s ‘suff’? Suffocate. It's used in the first chapter too. I kind of like the slang but here I think it should be "suff us all at once" Hmm, that certainly would be better. I forget the context, but something like 'let the smoke suff us' would be absolutely clear.

 

“But the alarms…” Penton, back in armor, looks from Calgary to the door. “We thought someone was working in the forge. Two of my Brides went to investigate, but they should have been back by now.” – Nope, sorry, this is pathetic. I had a good impression of the brides and Penton being competent, that just evaporated. I struggle to believe that they would have no guards / lookouts set. Eleanor strikes me as being comfortably paranoid enough not to trust to ‘mechanical/digital’ security systems. In fact, the trading post residents also seem foolhardy in this regard. yeah, this is one of those that I'm going to have to ponder. Calgary and Oz finding a dead bride or two would help but I think there are other steps I could take as well... I like the sound of that, something to explain why the brides did not perform as they should. Much better than Penton's weak excuses.

[Kammererite]

I enjoyed this chapter, the pace was great and the action good and the revel even though i saw it coming was satisfying.  The only detriment was that at a few points the blocking got a little unclear (I've commented on those below)

 

Looking forward to reading more.

 

Claire: Where was Claire? She was so big earlier that i was shocked her name wasn't mentiond. 

 

Number of Brides: First of this information should come closer to when Calgary and Oz enter the room. it just felt appended.

Now assuming the six brides doesn't count Hayden and Penton, we have three going of to the Magnetars on there own. Then one front, one back, Hayden in the centre. So six including Hayden. Now when they are loading the Magnetar we have two brides getting in with Hayden...so there cant be any with Oz and Penton left unless i missed something. 

 

Hayden: I found it odd that Calgary called Hayden out by name, it felt jarring. Does he know her? 

 

Plan: Why aren't they all going to the Magnetars together. Are the other sweeping the building for survivors if so say so. if not why are they splitting up. A sentence more here would really help me understand what is happening. 

 

Tense Slips: you slipped to past tense i think, on page 6 "...Calgary's two shots take out..."

 

Magnetar: After they exit the canteen is the first Magnetar already there waiting for them, was it parked there or did one of the other brides bring it around. 

 

...the air around us heats...: read awkwardly to me. 

 

I think: after the first one they others statements didn't flow well.

 

Last Paragraph: i think you could cut this and the ending would have been stronger for me.  

[spieles]

I enjoyed this chapter, the pace was great and the action good and the revel even though i saw it coming was satisfying.  The only detriment was that at a few points the blocking got a little unclear (I've commented on those below)

 

Looking forward to reading more. Thank you so so much for taking the time to read and comment.

 

Claire: Where was Claire? She was so big earlier that i was shocked her name wasn't mentioned. Actually when I read Robinski's comment about the Brides not being active - I was like AND CLAIRE - DUH! So I'm doing a rewrite right now with the Brides being active, and yeah, she features prominently.

 

Number of Brides: First of this information should come closer to when Calgary and Oz enter the room. it just felt appended.

Now assuming the six brides doesn't count Hayden and Penton, we have three going of to the Magnetars on there own. Then one front, one back, Hayden in the centre. So six including Hayden. Now when they are loading the Magnetar we have two brides getting in with Hayden...so there cant be any with Oz and Penton left unless i missed something. Yeah, the blocking here blows. When I first wrote this scene I was so obsessed with getting Oz and Eleanor separated (and in the very first draft I hadn't even written in the Brides) that I feel like this was a real problem. 

 

Hayden: I found it odd that Calgary called Hayden out by name, it felt jarring. Does he know her? Good catch. He might know her name because of talking with Eleanor - but they have zero relationship. 

 

Plan: Why aren't they all going to the Magnetars together. Are the other sweeping the building for survivors if so say so. if not why are they splitting up. A sentence more here would really help me understand what is happening. Yeah, current plan is for them to do exactly this - and then have one of the magnetars blow up. Way more exciting. 

 

Last Paragraph: i think you could cut this and the ending would have been stronger for me.  Thank you - I've worked on the ending so many times that I've lost all perspective. LOL. So feedback there is great.

Edited May 16, 2016 by spieles

[kais]

Yeah, I'm going to disagree with Kaisa (perhaps not surprising) 

I think we would make a very amusing morning talk show duo, Robinski

[Robinski he/him]

I think we would make a very amusing morning talk show duo, Robinski

Lol - that sounds like fun - where do I sign up?