21 MAR 16 - Shadowfax - City of Glass Excerpts (6660 words)

[Shadowfax]

From my email:

 

This document contains all currently written scenes for City of Glass. They are in chronological order, but not necessarily are they in strict sequential order. There are many time gaps not indicated because these scenes come from various places within the books structure that is not yet written or finished. These scenes are unedited as of yet, they also have not gone through any sort of revision process. They are presented here as a query: Is the writing good? Are the characters good? How is the dialog and description? Does the world seem to work so far? Would this world and these characters be something you have an interest in reading about? Which scenes and characters stand out to you most? Any other thoughts?

 

     I plan to use those answers as my springboard to revitalize this project.

 

    Please, pick this apart. Be as critical as you can. You won’t hurt my feelings. Sometimes I look at some of these scenes and see rubbish. Others I hold near and dear to my heart. Just remember, these are not chapters, but individual scenes, each in their own bubble. They do not contain any spoilers, as all these scenes take place within what would be the first 10 chapters of the book, give or take. They also span (not counting the first one) a time-frame of at least 16 years, if not more. I’m still working on exact time-lines. Thank you for reading this and I appreciate any response at all, truly.

 

Edited March 21, 2016 by Shadowfax

[krystalynn03 she/her]

Hey Shadowfax,

 

I'm not going to do any particular line edits, seeing as how these are excerpts from a project you might just trash anyway. However, I will give you some general impression.

 

Time of Men:

 

I know your comment mentioned that you had to put this in somewhere (author heart strings visible, much?), but you really don't. If I found this at the front of a book or even in the first few chapters, it would be grounds for me not to buy it or carry it to the check out. It may be important to you, but it's not important to the reader. I wouldn't even 'splice it in.' If it's truly prevalent in the story's plot, then it'll become apparent either through interesting, pertinent dialogue or through events or setting.

 

Bedtime Story

 

The first two paragraphs are hard to visualize and I really don't care for them as expo-bombs, either. Why is Centre capitalized? I liked the horses used as description of size. That part was fun to visualize for me.

 

This is the source of all magic in the world, and it is the responsibility of the family to care for it through all generations.

 

Huh?

 

On to the characters--I was quite excited that I was actually going to see characters. For me, characters drive a book completely. Even if the plot is interesting or the world well-developed, if I don't invest or connect to the characters I drop it.

 

"Mama, tell me again! Again! You know it's my favourite!"

 

I wish I'd had a visual of the setting before you jumped to dialogue. I can hear a character speaking, but I can't see where she is. A hut? A townhouse? The bedroom on a cold night? The sweltering summer on a castle's ledge? I don't know. (Also, your spellings of 'favourite' and 'centre' are suggesting Britain to me, so I hope you're British or Australian or setting this in Europe...but the Eastern Europe/Russian(???) style naming later on doesn't really suggest anything British, so I hope then you're market is British.)

 

Petra chuckled

 

Chuckled has always felt masculine to me. I guess because it's a throatier laugh.

 

She kept her barrel of loose-spun
cotton and her knitting needles near, and took them up after tapping her finger to the golden
brown hued blown-glass orb that rested on a metal cylinder base on the side table.

 

This would read better if you put it in sequential order, especially considering you're asking the imagination to piece together pictures of your fictional techno-magic thing.

 

subdued golden brown light

 

I have mixed feelings on this imagery. I can sort of picture it, but sort of not.

 

Petra took up her needles as she made shushing, cooing noises at the girl

 

Why is she shushing? The little girl hasn't spoken in a paragraph at least, nor has the narrator indicated Lusya is making other noises. Also, cooing is for babies. I don't have the impression that Lusya is so small that baby-talk is appropriate for her.

 

deftly moving her fingers by rote

 

If she's doing it deftly, it's by rote. If she's doing it by rote, she's already deft at it.

 

Lusya smiled and her eyes fluttered, but the story was not a short one
and Petra knew the child would not sleep until the end, so the she spoke on,

 

Start this sentence with Petra's reaction to keep the narrator closer to her. Otherwise, I feel like Lusya is about to take significant reaction to the dialogue and I feel like a paragraph change should have happened. Put Petra back in control of the sentence.

 

Prorochitsa

 

Please, please do something with this word. The visual 'roro' in the middle makes my eyes spin and slows down my fluency every time I see it in text. I'm sure you have a reason for inventing/borrowing it from somewhere, but as a reader trying to get into the story, it's doing nothing but slow me down and make me backtrack to remember the difference between a Prorochitsa, a Korolev, and a Lusya. If they were introduced more gradually, I'd feel more accepting of them as a reader.

 

and the Tonyi - the three sisters
who guard the Sphere

 

If these aren't important soon, can you mention them later? It's another word I don't want to put into my short term memory while I'm still struggling with Prorochitsa. (I'm trilingual, so don't think I'm afraid of unfamiliar or new words--I'm not.)

 

the 5 since then have been comely

 

It's stylistically more acceptable to spell out your numbers when they're small

 

Did you know he is the only male who has ever risen to be a scribe? Yes, yes it's true.

 

This isn't surprising to me because I have no background knowledge of the world. Also, a child that small (???) wouldn't be surprised either. Children think the world around them is normal even if their circumstances aren't.

 

Yes, I was still inside my mama's belly

 

I liked this bit. It made the magic feel real, not just world-building info.

 

"Anyway, she told my mama that inside was a scribe and the maker of cloth. At the time,
everyone was joyous that mama would have a daughter with 2 professional trades;

 

I feel like I'm being picky, and I don't know how much you've revised or really worked with these characters, but this lady sounds like the narrator talking through, not like a mother talking to her child.

 

next scribe for the Kreshmoi - the holy Book of Utterances

 

Could you just call it the Book of Utterances?

 

the Traditions

 

The use of capitalizations on standarn nouns seems like a stand-in fantasy cliche. I'd have felt the meaning of the sentence better without it.

 

Lusya was sitting upright and perched on the edge of her cot, eyes wide and a smile showing
her few missing teeth in front.

 

Missing teeth in front? She's definitely between 6-8. First graders are notorious for that winsome, toothless smile! Cooing is definitely not appropriate communication for a six year old.

 

consider herself old, she's seen the season cycle on the island from dry to wet only a dozen times
- the season changes once every two rotations of the Sphere - but the average lifespan on Buyan
was only about 17 to 20 cycles.

 

This is a frustrating description. I want to calculate quickly the mother's age, but the narrator is slowing me down. Do the people on this island birth young and die young? If so, how young? And if they're dying young, why? That's more interesting.

 

"Tell me more, mama."

 

Capitalize mama when it's used as a name, not a title.

 

 

The Proprochitsa Speaks

 

The description is okay, but I'm much more interested in why they're making her look just like the blankets she's sitting in than the exact details of it.

 

The part where the scribe notes down what she said and hurries off was the first time I really felt engaged as a reader.

 

brown-gold orbs

 

golden-brown

 

thought, as he massaged his sore rump.

 

All of this elegant tone, destroyed by the word rump. If you meant a comedic effect, ramp it up to make it obvious, or describe it differently to change the tone.

 

 

Koroleva's Orders

 

Start your book right here. Seriously. If I read this in the first chapter, I would take the book with me, but not if it started with the Mama giving the girl of indeterminate age a history lesson at bedtime. That's not quite cliched...well, yeah, it is.

 

come to Mertvy before the sun is

 

I did not like not knowing till after the fact that a Mertvy is a funeral...

 

Also, if she's grieving, she should be weeping. If she's weeping, she's not telling stories.

 

A woman, wrapped in furs and robes, emerged from the giant wooden doors of the
mountainous building. Mountainous, indeed, as it was built against the bottom of the largest of
all in the Middle Mountains range, partially dug into its side. Only those who entered ever saw
the true size of it.

 

Plenty of info here, but nothing for me to actually visualize.

 

 

In the spirit of honesty, you lost me at Amala, Jace and Tera. Those pieces might work in a book, but as a reader getting bits, I spent so long making connections with Domochev, Kolo(??? forgot the title), the Prorochitsia and Lusya, that I don't want to do the footwork to figure out why these next people are interesting or worth investing my time in. If you present them at some point in context, I'd be willing to look at them, but not now. I read them all once through, but I didn't get anything to retain from them.

 

I did like the “Child, I am not the one you should fear.” bear and child bit, if just for the great moment of having a bear say such a thing! I want to know more about that particular plot

Tenses

 

You jumped frequently between past and present tense. This pushed me out of the story and forced me to question the narrator each time it happened. Please make a choice and fix this.

 

Example:

 

It stood as tall as 5 grown horses stacked upon one another's backs and was perfectly white and smooth. The Sphere never grows dirty or old or needs
repaired

 

 

 

I feel like I was pretty critical, but you did ask to pick it apart. I hope I gave you a few useful things and a few things to think about. I hope you don't toss this project completely since you're only considering reviving it. I just want a character and conflict to invest in. The most compelling part for me was really the queen ordering the deaths. That set up a mystery with an emotional note that sparked my curiosity.

 

Thanks, and I do hope you submit more!

[kais]

Impressions as I go:

 

- The language grabs me instantly. It makes me wary. Highly descriptive wording in such a tight paragraph always makes me step back and worry that the writer is going to drown me in flowery prose instead of writing solid storylines.

 

- The entirety of The Time of Men is telling, not showing. If this is your intention, you're fine. If not, it needs some work

 

- The Time of Men is basically a flowery retelling of the beginning of Genesis. Without context to determine why it just strikes me as odd and I get pulled from the narrative to consider why it is so close. I think it would work a lot better if you strayed from the standard Genesis retelling and threw in some craziness. Warm us with the familiarity of the story and then turn everything on its head.

 

- Bedtime Story starts again as narrative telling, then jerks into dialogue. The transition was harsh. If you are going to have dialogue it would make more sense to not do narrator over-voices. 

 

- POV switch between mother and daughter in Bedtime Story is also jarring.

 

- Part of Bedtime Story hold my attention, especially the narrative about the twins' prophetic birth. Other areas fall flat. I'd be interested in reading more of this particular section.

 

- The Prorochista Speaks has good pacing. Some additional details of the girl would really help the imagery.

 

- Koroleva's Orders sucker punched me in the feels.

 

- Death of a Brother would work well together with the other Pietra narrative

 

- The Mountain School all of these child narratives are building to a very tragic book. Without some uplifting, as a mother, I would find the continual removal of children from their mother very hard to swallow

 

- Tora's Excavation With the unusual letters in this one and the 'wee' in the previous one, I'm starting to get the impression that we are jumping around the world with the characters. I have to ask now, though, is this all one book? If so, there are a lot of characters here and keeping them straight will be difficult.

 

- Jace Recruits I liked this chapter. I thought the flow, the character introduction, and the reaction from the two boys was sound. Likely I liked it better too because I recognized the two main characters from above.

 

- The Bear and the Child the age of the child seems to jump. Sometimes her dialogue is very young, sometimes older. I'm having a hard time getting a feel for her.

 

- A Bite in the Deli This chapter didn't flow as well. I couldn't get into the narrative. The argument between brother and sister just made me irritated with them, likely because they had such solid interaction before. I felt no move to continue learning about the street performer. The dialogue didn't build her up enough.

 

Now for your questions

 

Is the writing good? For a first draft, I don't think it is bad. Middle ground of writing. You have word soup in some places, but some decent line by line beta work could fix most of it.

 

Are the characters good: they have shining moments but overall I find most of them flat and unmemorable. I remember action in a number of the chapters, but not the characters themselves for most.

 

How is the dialogue and description: As above. Some good parts, but a lot needs work. Descriptions can get wordy, and some of the dialogue really drives me out of the narrative, like in the last chapter.

 

Interest in world: I'd say I'm interested in the weaver and her twin, and the sister/brother duo (although less so after the last chapter). I'd likely read a bit more, but unless the number of characters and settings came together, I would find it a little overwhelming.

 

Stand outs: I think I deal with this one in my 'as I read' comments.

 

Overall I think it is an interesting start. I'd suggest really focusing on one storyline for a while and making it amazing. You might find you don't need to so many characters and places as you develop one in its entirety.

 

 

Note: I didn't comment much on grammar, spelling, that sort of thing, since you indicated this is draft zero. It will need substantial clean up before going anywhere. When it is more flushed out you might consider submitting specifically for those types of edits.

[Shadowfax]

Impressions as I go:

 

- The language grabs me instantly. It makes me wary. Highly descriptive wording in such a tight paragraph always makes me step back and worry that the writer is going to drown me in flowery prose instead of writing solid storylines.

 

- The entirety of The Time of Men is telling, not showing. If this is your intention, you're fine. If not, it needs some work

 

- The Time of Men is basically a flowery retelling of the beginning of Genesis. Without context to determine why it just strikes me as odd and I get pulled from the narrative to consider why it is so close. I think it would work a lot better if you strayed from the standard Genesis retelling and threw in some craziness. Warm us with the familiarity of the story and then turn everything on its head.

 

- Bedtime Story starts again as narrative telling, then jerks into dialogue. The transition was harsh. If you are going to have dialogue it would make more sense to not do narrator over-voices. 

 

- POV switch between mother and daughter in Bedtime Story is also jarring.

 

- Part of Bedtime Story hold my attention, especially the narrative about the twins' prophetic birth. Other areas fall flat. I'd be interested in reading more of this particular section.

 

- The Prorochista Speaks has good pacing. Some additional details of the girl would really help the imagery.

 

- Koroleva's Orders sucker punched me in the feels.

 

- Death of a Brother would work well together with the other Pietra narrative

 

- The Mountain School all of these child narratives are building to a very tragic book. Without some uplifting, as a mother, I would find the continual removal of children from their mother very hard to swallow

 

- Tora's Excavation With the unusual letters in this one and the 'wee' in the previous one, I'm starting to get the impression that we are jumping around the world with the characters. I have to ask now, though, is this all one book? If so, there are a lot of characters here and keeping them straight will be difficult.

 

- Jace Recruits I liked this chapter. I thought the flow, the character introduction, and the reaction from the two boys was sound. Likely I liked it better too because I recognized the two main characters from above.

 

- The Bear and the Child the age of the child seems to jump. Sometimes her dialogue is very young, sometimes older. I'm having a hard time getting a feel for her.

 

- A Bite in the Deli This chapter didn't flow as well. I couldn't get into the narrative. The argument between brother and sister just made me irritated with them, likely because they had such solid interaction before. I felt no move to continue learning about the street performer. The dialogue didn't build her up enough.

 

Now for your questions

 

Is the writing good? For a first draft, I don't think it is bad. Middle ground of writing. You have word soup in some places, but some decent line by line beta work could fix most of it.

 

Are the characters good: they have shining moments but overall I find most of them flat and unmemorable. I remember action in a number of the chapters, but not the characters themselves for most.

 

How is the dialogue and description: As above. Some good parts, but a lot needs work. Descriptions can get wordy, and some of the dialogue really drives me out of the narrative, like in the last chapter.

 

Interest in world: I'd say I'm interested in the weaver and her twin, and the sister/brother duo (although less so after the last chapter). I'd likely read a bit more, but unless the number of characters and settings came together, I would find it a little overwhelming.

 

Stand outs: I think I deal with this one in my 'as I read' comments.

 

Overall I think it is an interesting start. I'd suggest really focusing on one storyline for a while and making it amazing. You might find you don't need to so many characters and places as you develop one in its entirety.

 

 

Note: I didn't comment much on grammar, spelling, that sort of thing, since you indicated this is draft zero. It will need substantial clean up before going anywhere. When it is more flushed out you might consider submitting specifically for those types of edits.

Yup, it's gone through no revisions yet. I figured once I knew which parts to build on and which to steer away from, then I could clean up the keepers. I'm a certified English teacher, so I'm not too worried about grammar and spelling editing. It's usually the last thing I do, because I'm a terrible typist xD

A lot of the points you made, I also made in my own notes lol. Especially the boring history part and the über long exposition disguised as dialogue.

You're right, we are jumping around a planet. The first scenes mostly set up a back story, Tora, Jace and Isra are the main PoV characters and the ones we would be following.

I'm glad you picked up on the change of relationship between Tora and Jace. This scene would actually be a bit further along the book than the rest of them and I haven't decided about that street performer yet.

Overall since this is, like you said, draft zero (literally some of this was stream of consciousness writing) anything is subject to change, even names or events. I submitted to get a feel for which parts people seemed most drawn to. I'm a history major; I've spent so many years writing dry papers that explain, that I really wanted this "pre-submit" to see if I had anything to work with. I'm much more interested in if anyone had a strong reaction to anything, and if so what, than I am about word choice, spelling, grammar, etc.

Thank you for answering the questions from my post. That super helped, and I'm starting to see a starting point for a first chapter. I also had my boyfriend read and critique, and boy... let's just say he really thought the school scene, "is so cliché. It's some kid whining cause she's taken to school for the first time. Seriously?" When he said it to me like that it basically lost all emotional impact for me (it has some for me since I know the back story there). Anyway, all the answers to my questions I get really help narrow down my immediate chapter 1 goals. Much appreciated!

[rdpulfer he/him]

- I think it might be better to tackle these selections individually - all in separate posts - instead of in one giant section. 

 

The Time of Men

 

- Dazbula's personification threw me for a loop until I re-read the passage a couple times. At first I couldn't tell if it was a person or an actual star.

 

- Interesting prologue - I would have liked to have seen more focus on Dazbula, perhaps in some sort of creation myth story.

 

Bedtime Story

 

- There's a lot of telling in this story, especially as dialogue. It looks like the world-building should be separated from the story itself. 

 

The Prorochitsa Speaks

 

- I really like using cycles as a measure of time instead of years. It really changes the world as a result. 

 

- Great description, especially in this passage.

 

Koroleva’s Order 

 

- This scene has a lot of power. I'm not sure if it needs more or not. I kind of feel like I want to see more characterization leading up to the queen's thought about her children.

 

Death of a Brother

 

- Interesting that mama and papa are used as titles of respect.

 

The Mountain School

 

- . . . . but the mama and papa thing can be confusing when denoting real biological relations.

 

Tøra’s Excavation

 

- This is the passage i liked the best so far, just with the mystery of her discovery and the mention of dreams. I'd like to see what happens next here.

 

Jaçe Recruits

 

- This was a fun scene just with all the kids wanting to play in the hole

 

The Bear and the Child

 

- I liked this interplay, even if it was completely different than the last two sections.

 

A Bite in the Deli

 

- Again, I'd really like to see more of the story with the excavation. That's what caught my eye the most. 

[Mandamon he/him]

Welcome to Reading Excuses!  Straight on to the critique...lots of stuff in here.

Note: I'm reading the section, then your description in the email.

 

The Time of Men:

--Interesting, but if this was the start of the book, I would find it a little overblown.  I don't know that it actually adds any information I couldn't find out from an aside from a character in the middle of the story.

You basically said the same thing in your description.  If you're wondering where to put it, I would pare out the needed information and have a character show it somehow.

 

Bedtime Story:

--first PP: you change tense (there are -> that knew/all lived)

--write out numbers

--"needs repairing", or "needs to be repaired"

--you switch POV from a narrator to Petra and Lusya.  It's almost like a second beginning to the book vs. "The Time of Men."  If Perta is telling the story, you might note that so the switch isn't so abrupt.

--pg 5: "this was 3 of them ago":  Awkward, and need to write out the number

--pg 6: "extra details": Yes, this whole section seems like an infodump.  I haven't seen any parts yet that deal with character building or plot.  There's a little bit telling about the characters, but it's overshadowed by information I don't really need to know.

--I like the hints of magic I see, but I don't know enough about it yet.

 

The Prorochitsa Speaks:

--several places with passive voice in this section.

--Getting some hints of plot here.  I like the setup with the oracle, and now we see the use the mother was talking about in the last section.  This part was much more effective for me that the description above.

 

Koroleva's Order:

--not much here.  I'm guessing this is a reaction to the message from the last section?

 

Death of a Brother:

--Good, but I want to see more of this.  This section has the start of some good character building.

 

The Mountain School:

--"honey-coloured eyes": she can't see them, so probably wouldn't be describing them from her POV.  (I also noted the UK spelling, which several others did as well).

--This part seems disconnected from the rest.  Is this on the same island, or somewhere different?

--You note too many questions in your description.  I agree.  I would like to see more of this section to understand what's going on.

 

Tora's Excavation:

pg 13: "Tora never went on her excavations unprepared": you just *showed* us this in the last sentence.  Don't need to *tell* us again.

pg 14: "It was said...": This whole paragraph seems infodumpy

pg 16: "Whenever she got into one of her lectures...": You've switched from Tora to Jace's POV, then back to Tora at the end of the PP

--You note some of the POV shifts in your description.

--This section has good characters.  I feel the most connected so far to Tora out of anyone.

 

Jace Recruits:

--pg 17: "Undaunted...": There are some tense problems in this PP

--pg 18: Tora is speaking strangely here.  Is she doing a dialect?

--Not a whole lot to this section.  We see a little of the village and the way Jace and Tora are treated, but again, I would like to see this expanded.

 

The Bear and the Child:

--this section is completely different from the rest...Haven't seen any hint of intelligent animals so far.

--Pg 20: more eye color description.  Why?  Is it important?

--Oh, ok, this is the same girl from The Mountain School.

--don't have a good sense of geography from these sections.  I feel that Isra, Tora, and the islanders are all in vastly different regions.

 

A Bite in the Deli:

--The Palai/do'Elam stuff supports my thoughts about different regions.  And we get some location placements.  Good.

--"Alls I know" - this is Midwestern US dialect, and should not be in the story unless the characters are also from there.

--"Why would a simple street performer be so famous...":  No idea, and the section ends here.  I get the feeling this is going to tie into one of the other characters.

 

 

Overall I can see glimmers of a story here, but obviously it needs to get stitched together.  I like some of the glimpses of magic, and Tora seems like the strongest character you have.  But I have no idea how the early sections tie into the rest of the story.

[Shadowfax]

Thanks for the critiques. Multiquote doesn't like to work on my web browser so I'm going to try to respond and still make sense :/

 

When I write, I have to turn off the editing part of my brain or I will sit and over-edit as I go and never actually write anything. So, yes, my words, tenses, etc end up a jumbled mess. No worries, this will all be fixed when I actually write things out properly. Stream of consciousness writing is dirty xD

 

This is not Earth or an alternate Earth, but a completely different planet. There's actually a lot of worldbuilding going on, so I stuck a lot of it into those first few scenes to see how people reacted to the elements. I've gotten feedback that tells me what I needed to know. There is a lot of very important backstory, history, etc that is extremely important to the book (and it's not about heart strings, it's about me knowing what my plot is and what I need in the book to make the ending work/make sense). With the feedback I've gotten, I think I've determined how the introduction of those elements will go over better with readers.

 

And, I haven't spent much time in the Midwest, so I had no idea "Alls I know" was dialect there. I will have to change that in my book. Thanks for pointing it out. In the previous section I apparently gave Tora Jace's dialect and that was an oversight. I will fix that as well.

 

The Bear and the Child is a dream sequence (which is hard to tell with it being so out of context), so the bear is not real. There are no intelligent animals in the world.

 

I don't write out numbers until much later drafts. It's easier for my eyes to see numerical values, and it's faster/easier for me to use those so I can compare my writing to my notes to make sure I have my facts straight. All I can do is ask that the group put up with that for me, and understand I do know how to do it correctly and that this is a conscious choice on ,my part to make the earlier drafts easier for me to fact-check.

 

What really surprised me the most was how everyone latched on to those early scenes on the island. Those are throwaway scenes meant to set up the backstory, so obviously I gave them too much screen time. I don't want them to end up being promises I made to readers. The real story begins with Tora's excavation in the centrelands. I've taken what people have liked and disliked about those early island scenes and I think I know how to present what I need to without the flood of exposition or making false promises. Obviously, if you read my notes, I had my doubts about them anyway, as far as how stagnant they were, so this is okay.

 

Tora, Jace and Isra are the main characters, though we mostly follow Jace and Tora. We will see quite a bit of the world, so there will be descriptive world-building involved. Tora is also a scholar of sorts, what would be, in our time, an archaeologist, so her sections will reflect that. Jace is more faith based and not as educated as his sister is, and that reflects in his sections. Isra, now she isn't like the other two at all...

 

Also, sorry for my delay in responding. We pick up our U-Haul on Friday and we've been scrambling to do all the last minute things. I'll be quite busy until we get settled in Missouri.

[Robinski he/him]

Firstly, an apology that it took so long to get my critique up. No excuses, I just got distracted through the week. Also, it’s the length of a submission in itself! Lots to talk about.

 

So, I looked forward to reading this after our exchanges on the forum. Even the title, for me, evokes early Michael Moorcock, of whom I am a great fan.

 

Detailed comments below the line – and there are quite a few, but please be assured I enjoyed reading your extracts, there are some strong ideas here, and the emotion of the characters came through. I like some of the events that play out, and my interest certainly was piqued. I'm keen to learn what is driving the events. What did the Prorochitsa say that seemed to trigger some truly horrific events, like the queen having her children killed!

 

The major difficulty that I had, which is eminently fixable, is with some of the phrasing and word choice. I now that an edit or two could iron such things out, but there’s nothing quite as effective as weeding them out before they go on the page, so I’ve gone ahead and flagged the stuff that got to me.

 

Overall, I like quite a few of the ideas and would be interested to read a continuous narrative. Some of the reactions were a little odd, but there was good tension and emotion in most of the sections, and some high stakes in some. Hard to see what’s happening of course when it is just snippets on view.

 

I'm going to come back to your questions in a separate post. Thanks for sharing!

 

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The Time of Men

 

“In the Age of Sunset, darkness rose like smoke tendrils spiralling from a vanquished flame.” – rofl, first line, I couldn’t resist it – I'm sure there should be a comma here ;o)      Seriously though, nice opening para, it does put me in mind of the theme running through WoT of the wind blowing down from the hills (or whatever).

 

The world is called Dazhba, but seems to transform into a person “Dazhba tended gardens and encouraged growth”.

 

“a pulsing painting bringing light unto the world” – That’s a lot of ‘ing’ right there.

 

“The Time of Sunrise is so long past there are no written records of its occurrence.” – But doesn’t this very sentence represent proof of that time, has no-one written this story down?

 

Your story of life puts me in mind of a similar section in my first novel, which I'm toying with posting up, interesting to see another take on the subject.

 

“The once dark lands” – typo

 

Bedtime Story

 

Some tense confusion in the first paragraph, it’s all past tense other than this “There are only a handful”.

 

“stood a village of no considerable size” – So, it’s a small village?

 

“Most notably notable, however, was the Sphere in the village Centre” – Why are these words capitalised? I can maybe understand Sphere, since there is obviously some higher significance to what seems like an out-of-context shape, but ‘Centre’ isn’t warranted, imho.

 

“It stood as tall as 5 five grown horses” – Why the numeral? Seems very out of place. I don’t mind them in SF if it’s a code number or some such, but in fantasy, it seems odd in narrative.

 

The description of the Sphere comes into presence tense again before the narrative lapses back into past.

 

“we serve the Clan of the Koroleva, the wisest, kindest woman to grace our land” – Should this be ‘women’, it sounds like it refers to the clan? I see it is as I read on, but it was unclear in the wording here, I thought.

 

“Prorochitsa” – this is a real tongue-twister.

 

“but the 5 since then” – Am I the only person who looks at this and the numeral screams inappropriate? It’s a story, not a text book or an email. I just can’t be doing with this, unless in SF.

 

“and so by right he was eldest” – It’s not by right, he was the eldest, he was born first, that’s just a fact.

 

This section is an enormous info dump. It’s really quite interesting, but I struggle in a big way with a small child asking for this story. For a 6/7 year old, this stuff sounds really boring. All this talk of wombs, ick.

 

“would have a daughter with 2 professional trades; having two babies at the same time” – Okay, now you’re just taunting me with this numeral stuff. I mean really, look through Wheel of Time (all of it), Lord of the Rings, Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, and tell me if the find a single numeral in there.

 

“17 to 20 cycles” – ‘nuff said. Tell me I'm wrong and I’ll shut up (maybe, or not  )

 

“when there was a decidedly loud bang resonating from the front door” – tense is weird here. I'm thinking “when a decidedly loud bang resonated from the front door.”

 

“and it rang a chime that sounded through a matching stone she kept in her pocket” – What now? She’s got Fred Flintstone’s pager?!

 

The Prorochitsa Speaks

 

Your description of the *pro-thingy* is compelling, I'm kind of intoxicated.

 

“Sitting upon a wooden stool for so long has had its drawbacks” – there are a fair few tense inconsistencies throughout.

 

“His head snapped up again, but this time not because he'd nearly fallen asleep again” – awkward repetition.

 

“He blinked, and pulled his eyes from the waif-like girl to read what he has had written”

 

I find some of your phrasing a bit imprecise (if that’s the word I'm looking for). I’ll try and drop some examples. I’ve passed a few, but this is the one that moved me to comment. “...had he not known his way so well, he would have gotten lost.” This statement seems pointless. He does know the way well, so there’s no chance of him getting lost. However, if you say something like “one who did not know the way as well as he, would quickly have become lost,” I think it’s fine.

 

“the ascension ladder” – I think you can trust the reader to assume the ladder goes up – most ladders go both ways ;o)

 

“clumsily clamoured clambered his way up.”

 

Koroleva’ Order

 

“The Koroleva stood. The queen's cool blue eyes stared through the south-facing wall as if it were a window instead, to the direction of her children and their attendants” – The Koroleva is the queen, right? The phrasing could indicate two different people. Also, underlined section phrasing tripped me.

 

“she held her eyes open wide in an effort to hold back the stinging flood that begged to escape her eyes” – repetition, sorry I'm line commenting here, but this stuff is worth getting into, I think. In terms of the scene, very tense, quick shocking when reading the extent of the queen’s orders. I want to know how that plays out! I guess it’s linked to what the Prorochitsa says that he scribe writes down – intriguing.

 

Death of a Brother

 

“For Papa Domashev, the scriber” – it’s his title in this instance.

 

“to bid his him leave” – ‘his leave’ is his permission, typo, I presume.

 

I thought Mertvy was a place, so was confused as heck as to how she knew her brother was dead. There’s no law that says a ‘foreign’ word has to be capitalised, in fact it’s often confusing unnecessarily, and you don’t capitalise it the second time.

 

The Mountain School

 

“The sky rained down,” – No, the rain rained down, not the sky.

 

“looming before them both” – unnecessary.

 

“just past the marker of her seventh year” – I notice you have a tendency towards complex phrasing that can be awkward to understand. Is there anything wrong with saying ‘just reached seven years’?

 

The point-of-view in this section is wavering between the mother and the daughter. It’s a very effective scene, and with some work would be really powerful.

 

“wrapped in furs and robes” – How many robes and furs is she wearing? I presume you mean one of each, but that imprecise phrasing makes it sounds strange, open to incorrect interpretation.

 

Tøra’s Excavation

“Tøra knew she didn’t care” – I think phrasing like this takes away from the pace of the narrative, compared to ‘Tøra didn’t care’, which the reader can skate over but still take get message.

 

“that was more important and than the discovery, understanding”

 

“but no amount words of text on paper” – Words are finite, not collective.

 

“Life in Palai must be good, for the boys never returned home” – rather naive!

 

“she clawed at the red clay” – doesn’t she have a tool?

 

“She seemed not to hear him” – again, we are drifting between the two PoVs.

 

Jaçe Recruits

 

“he was determined not to be out there alone with his sister” – but he was all about protecting her, this seems contrary to his early thoughts.

 

“offered to home house them and guide them”

 

“Since then Jaçe and Tøra had not had an easy life, but he'd provided for her” – if he is talking about hiring people to work for her, I would expect they must be quite wealthy, and yet this description does not sound like that is the case.

 

“Coming along across (OR) upon a group of mostly grown boys”

 

“How it goes for you?” – Is the incorrect phrasing supposed to signify that this is not Jaçe’s first language? Normally, ‘How’s it going?’ or ‘How goes it for you?’ would be the usual.

 

“but it can never be said” – tense confusion.

 

I'm wondering where Jaçe does his baking.

 

The Bear and the Child

 

“the bear’s devious glaze gaze” – presumably.

 

“the towers in the City” – why is city capitalised?

 

“a swirl of vibrantly coloured mist surrounded her the spot where she stood” – so it surrounded her?

 

“and she left me at School” – Why is ‘school’ capitalised?

 

A Bite in the Deli

 

“Jaçe’s efforts of demolishing to demolish the plate of meat”

[Robinski he/him]

I see in reading the other comments that others already picked up many of the things that I did.

 

Is the writing good? I think it could be good, but it's not there yet, needs polish and addressing various style points. Tense and Point of View are significant issues. This said, I smiled a few time, winced a few times, I felt things, which is good of course. It's not possible to say whether the story is good, because we can't see any of it, but there are clearly sources of tension, violence, excitement, mystery. I think you have the components to make a good story here.

 

Are the characters good? Most aren't all that clear. We really only spend any significant time with Tøra and Jaçe. She comes over determined and a bit naive about the world, idealistic, whereas he seems to be the more experienced and realistic of the two. It's a good mix, I think I could enjoy spending some time with them.

 

How is the dialogue and description? I like the dialogue more, I think it hangs together pretty well (with some edits). The description / narrative is where more of the grammar issues are. I know what you mean about stream-of-consciousness, and I wouldn't quibble over a first draft, but some parts read like English is not your first language (Sorry, but you asked for bluntness!).

 

Interest in world: There are a lot of names flying around, with some of them it's unclear what you mean until later, which is not so good, you don't want readers going back to re-read because they can't follow what's going on in places.

 

Stand outs: The mystery of the what the Prorochitsa says that send everyone into a tailspin. The reaction of the queen compounds this, it's so extreme, it drives home the urge to know what was said. The idea of the Prorochitsa is intriguing. I like the easy sibling relationship between Tøra and Jaçe, although I don't quite get their social status or how the society operates - I feel like maybe the world needs some more thinking, but I can't see enough of it to know that. The heartrending separation of the mother and daughter, although I don't really know why that happened (a result of the Prorochitsa's proclamation, I think).

 

Hope this helps good luck with the move

[Kammererite]

It seams you have the treads of three stories within these scenes, so i'll comment on each as a group.

 

Buyan:

in this thread i get a good hint of what this story could be about and can see a plot forming but the characters are very vague. The Koroleva orders scene was just wow.  

Also I took me a while to figure out Koroleva means queen. Its initial introduction makes it seam more of a clan then a title. 

 

 

Jace and Tora:

i have no idea where this story is going but i do have a feel for the characters beginning to grow which is good. These scene did have some tension which was good however; the last scene felt very telly to me.

 

Isra:

I didn't realize these stories were connected till reading others comments. Not much to go on here for plot or for character from these two scenes. Although the bear scene was my favourite of the lot.

 

Time of Men: Cool creation myth, but a red flag at the start of the book.

 

 

Overall.

I see the potential here for an interesting story but as presented as these short scenes hoping POV's it is to disjointed for me to form a firm attachment to anything.

As  for world building, i got alot of names but with out a map i wasn't really well grounded so i had trouble placing the places. However your description of Buyan was really good, and i had a good picture of the Island.

 

Cheers