king007 Posted January 19, 2016 Report Share Posted January 19, 2016 (edited) Hello, this is a new project I'm working on. I am still not sure of the complete plot but I do have a vague idea. I'd appreciate it if you gave me your thoughts especially on:How's the writing? does it flow smoothly ? How did you find the tone of this first part ? What do you think of Alfred so far ? Thanks! Edited January 19, 2016 by king007 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
king007 Posted January 19, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2016 I think I switched the POV twice without realizing it. Did you feel that change ? Do you find it appropriate or does it throw you off ? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mandamon Posted January 20, 2016 Report Share Posted January 20, 2016 pg 1: "Alfred remained frozen in his place like an unmoving corpse. In fact, if it weren’t for his occasional changes of posture, people would have long thought him dead." --I Alfred actually dead? Or undead? it seems like that's what you're telling me. Also, he's not unmoving if he's changing his posture. pg 1: "Alfred was suddenly interrupted by a soft murmur inside his head" --It's not inside his head if someone is talking to him, unless it's by telepathy. pg 1/2: regarding the harbor master shouting at him, if Alfred's been suspicious the last couple days, I would think the harbor master would just have his guards drag him off if he's unresponsive. pg 2, 3rd paragraph. You switch to the harbor master's POV from Alfred's. Is this intentional? (edit: reading the rest, this seems to be deliberate. However, from the way things are presented, I'm not sure not whether Alfred or the harbor master is the main character.) (2nd Edit: reading your comment above, yes, I noticed it, and no, it didn't seem appropriate. See my comments below) pg 2: "eyes sticking out of their sockets" --this sounds like it may be detrimental to his health. The whole chapter was basically Alfred being told to move along, and doing it. Then the harbor master makes a fool of himself. There was some character development for both Alfred and the harbor master, but not really anything in terms of plot or starting a story. What is Alfred doing while sitting and thinking about things? Why does the harbor master taunt him when he's obviously a dangerous man? How will the harbor master go on with this emotional scar? The more I read, the more I'm unsure who's story this is (see note about POV). I would guess Alfred, as he's got a name, but you have a lot of detail about the harbor master. The writing was smooth enough, but honestly at this point I would read something with worse writing but a better hook into the plot. The tone was a bit strange, with moments of nothing happening and then almost melodramatic outbursts from the harbor master. I'm interested to see how the next part builds the plot. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Asmodemon Posted January 20, 2016 Report Share Posted January 20, 2016 (edited) This is a short submission, so it’s hard to draw any definite conclusions about it, especially concerning the main character, Alfred. However, I do have some first impressions. To answer your questions first: How's the writing? does it flow smoothly: From what I read so far, it read pretty smoothly to me. There are two glaring issues though, and that is tense and point of view. The point of view either shifts from Alfred to the harbor master and back (which is a mistake in third person limited) or you’re writing in third person omniscient, which isn’t used often and takes some getting used to. The problem with the tense is that you shift between past tense and present tense a lot, sometimes in the same sentence. That’s something to look out for, pick a tense and stay with it. How did you find the tone of this first part ?: I found the tone to be pretty light, even comical, where the harbor master is concerned. What tone were you going for? What do you think of Alfred so far? I found the way he could block off the outside world so completely in the beginning very interesting. It makes me wonder if it’s some sort of skill, whether he is autistic, or if there’s some magic involved. I liked him less when he focused on the harbor master. He was confrontational (when the harbor master was in the right to question his presence), threatening, and a lot like a thug. He wasn’t sympathetic, if that’s what you were going for. His strength is impressive, also makes me wonder if he’s using some sort of magic. On the whole I’d need to read more of him to figure out whether I’d want to read more about him. Right now I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. I think I switched the POV twice without realizing it. Did you feel that change ? Do you find it appropriate or does it throw you off ? Yes, I noticed it, see also my remark above. No, I did not find it appropriate and yes, it did throw me off. Shouting: Not a fan of using all-caps to show shouting. And one exclamation mark is more than enough as well. Harbor master: Did not like this character. He’s a caricature of a person, one who rages and spits and throws temper tantrums. Then he’s all calms. Then, at the drop of the hat he’s a child with anger issues all over again. All of it read very cliché. Even the smack-down felt cliché. Crowd: Where did this crowd come from? Why are they all laughing, and smirking and chuckling? One glare from the harbour master sends them scurrying again. They gained nothing in laughing at their boss, and now they are on his radar, so why do it? One way, or the other: You have a lot of instances where a character says one thing, in one tone, yet the character’s expression shows the complete opposite. It happens so much it gets noticeable, and people usually don’t work that way. And it’s not just with the characters, it’s complete situations as well. Things shift from complete fury, to calm, with little rhyme or reason. Harbor master is calm, then he erupts in rage and spittle, his workers laugh at him and are unafraid, then the master is calm, his workers are suddenly afraid of him, scurrying away in a panic. It doesn’t feel logical. Maybe there’s a reason for it. Some form of magic influencing him and others? But without that as an established part of the context it’s just confusing. He would never forget this day: Don’t like this as an ending to a scene. It’s very final, and never is a long time. A really long time indeed. To me that means the character is never coming back, when from the situation and the characters involved there is no reason why this character would never come back. Edited January 20, 2016 by Asmodemon 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
king007 Posted January 21, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 21, 2016 Thanks guys for the input. That was eye opening. I'm going to ditch this scene because it just doesn't add any value or progression to the story. I'm gonna throw Alfred right into action for my next submission and make sure to keep one POV and one tense. Alfred is a thug, he is a bad guy. I'm trying to build a story where the main theme concerning Alfred is revenge and retribution. There are still 2 major characters i need to introduce, but they will wait till after chapter 1 is properly done. I have a good idea for a plot full of drama and twists but i'm struggling a bit with the details and how to get things started. At least i got the writing part well but i think i'm still far from my goal. Thanks again for your feedback! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
rdpulfer Posted January 21, 2016 Report Share Posted January 21, 2016 - It's a little weird that Alfred's in a trance in the beginning. It's also a bit odd he doesn't notice the man in front of him with two guards. - I'm also not a big fan of all caps and multiple exclamation points. - It's weird that the harbor master goes from screaming at Alfred to politely asking him to leave. - I do like the tension of the face off between Alfred and the guards,. - The POV shift, as others have noticed, is really confusing, Also, I think if you are gong to get into the mind of the harbor master, you need to signify it in some other way and really explore what makes this guy tick in more than a paragraph. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Eisenheim Posted January 22, 2016 Report Share Posted January 22, 2016 Pov is a little weird, that harms the flow. Also, you can prune a bunch of telling/transition words: "surprisingly", "in fact" etc. which will make things smoother. The tone is pretty flat. I don't feel much emotion here. Everything is very matter-of-fact. Alfred's basically still a cypher, because I'm not getting his internal monologue or emotions for most of the piece, and when I start to, I don't really understand his motivation. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shrike76 Posted January 22, 2016 Report Share Posted January 22, 2016 Things I noticed which were mentioned above are the changes in point of view (unless your intention is to write 3rd-person omniscient), and the changes between past and present tense (for which there isn't a good excuse). This is a really short submission so it's hard to get a feel for where the story's going, aside from you having pointed out that Alfred's looking for someone to exact revenge on. What I can say is that everybody's actions seem excessive. It feels like they're overreacting to everything - The harbor master seems to come on too strong, then Alfred reacts strongly, and the harbor master loses his mind for some reason. Then everybody sort of calms down just as quickly. They're not behaving like people behave. As to who's important, I feel like you're setting up Alfred to be the main character, but we spend a lot of time focused on the harbor master, and you end with a full paragraph on him, so if he's not going to be important later then he shouldn't be played up so much here. It's a very short scene. Focus on Alfred here, tell us about him, about what he wants and how he reacts to the world around him, and show us the others later when we need it. Aside from the tense and POV changes, the language is relatively clean, but I find it wordy. You'll describe the same thing in multiple sentences, particularly when using an adverb to describe an action, and then add description again ("Alfred fervently interrupted, anger burning in his eyes" as an example). This scene could be tightened up considerably. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted January 23, 2016 Report Share Posted January 23, 2016 I'm not going to line edit, but I felt that the grammar etc. could be tidied up. Also, the style is very wordy, and the two issues together resulted in me getting a bit impatient for the narrative to progress enough for me to learn what the situation was. I gather from other posts that English is not your first language. That certainly makes this a good achievement, but I have to say it does show in some of the word choice and grammar. Alfred seems to have a very hot temper, as does the harbourmaster (one word). They came across as quite similar, I would have enjoyed a bit more nuance in their characters in this initial exchange. Also, I found the narration rather disorienting. The narrator is amused by the situation, and yet neither of the main characters is, which seemed odd to me. “not an unusual situation for Alfred to find himself into in” “He usually has had to distract one of them” – tense confusion, and again “how close and prepared the guards are were” “as exciting as it was” – Alfred seems particularly unlikeable. As annoying as the harbourmaster is, if Alfred has been lingering and arousing suspicion, he has to expect some kind of reaction. That he is excited at the thought of slaughter what appear to be innocent, if over-officious, men is very off-putting. I'm not engaged by characters who have a casual disregard for human life. “His eyes couldn’t keep up with the pace of his movements and the world transformed into a spinning spiral of colors” – suddenly we’re in the pov of the harbourmaster – that’s really quite disorienting. The last part of the submission is really labouring the point about the impact on the harbourmaster. On the evidence of this start to the story, I would not be encouraged to read any further. For me, Alfred is completely unsympathetic, and I haven’t found any interest in seeing where his need to vengeance takes him. My impression (rightly or wrongly) is of a rather violent story which does not offer much in the way of character development, and on that basis, I'm pretty sure I would put it down, or be planning to unless the next part did more to engage me. I see from one of your comments on the thread that you intended Alfred to be bad - mission accomplished! The difficulty is that leading with him might turn people off before they get beyond that, assuming that he's the protagonist - as I did. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
king007 Posted January 23, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 23, 2016 Thanks a lot guys for your help! I'm not going to line edit, but I felt that the grammar etc. could be tidied up. Also, the style is very wordy, and the two issues together resulted in me getting a bit impatient for the narrative to progress enough for me to learn what the situation was. I gather from other posts that English is not your first language. That certainly makes this a good achievement, but I have to say it does show in some of the word choice and grammar. I'd really love it so much if you elaborated more on this part. Give me examples where my style was wordy and suggest me other ways to deliver my point. What were the word choices that gave away how English is not my first language? I need to learn from my mistakes but i can't do that if i don't see them first and currently I'm not. This is very crucial to my development as a writer, your help would be so appreciated! 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Robinski Posted January 23, 2016 Report Share Posted January 23, 2016 I'd really love it so much if you elaborated more on this part. Well, if you insist. I'll track my thoughts and email you. Bearing in mind of course that this will just be my opinion! 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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