Citadel16 Posted January 19, 2016 Report Share Posted January 19, 2016 (edited) (part of) A modern dragon slayer story. I need input. tell me what I did wrong and what I could do to make it better spoiler tag for length Liss had never slain a dragon before. Trolls? Yes. Giants? Once or twice. Were-wolves? Heck yes. Wraiths? Duh. Goblins? No flippin’ dip. Gnomes? Who didn’t kill gnomes? But a dragon? Sounded… hard. Liss had done all the normal things before. Been there, done that sort a deal. None of them really had that much of a pay outside her standard fee. Dragons were rich, according to the legends. You know, the whole dragon horde kind of deal. None of the normal creatures have that kind of cash. Liss was done with the normal. Now she wanted spectacular. But spectacular was freakin’ hard to buy. “What do you mean you have none in stock?” Liss demanded of the arms dealer “A Silverlight is like, the rifle. You have it on the Ad.” “The ad says special order only.” Freddy said, hauling a box through the shop and into the back. Liss followed, they long ago gave up trying to keep her out of the back room. “How long would it take to order one?” Liss asked, noting the new box labels. There were quite a few new companies sending Freddy their merchandise. She would have to come back later to go through those. Freddy grunted, lifting the box above his head to place it on the shelf. “Hard to say. I would guess that it would be about six months.” “Flip! I’ll practically be an old maid by then!” Freddy scowled as if he were confused. “How old are you, anyway?” “Meh, twenty or so.” Liss said dismissively. “I never really keep track. But more important, can I get one sent on a rush order?” “Afraid not, sorry.” Freddy said. “Edades is kind of hard to motivate. It’ll take a while.” “Flip,” Liss said again, special orders costed much more than having it in stock. “How much?” “Six thousand,” Freddy said without missing a beat, “Half now, half on delivery. Non-negotiable.” Liss blinked. “That’s pricy.” Freddy nodded “if you don’t mind me asking, what weapon you currently use?” “Crowburner sf-37,” Liss said. Freddy’s brow furrowed. “Why would you want to change that?” “Not high enough caliber,” Liss said, “And Crowburners can’t fire nether rounds,” “Nether rounds?” Freddy spun on her, “why are you hunting Demonspawn?” “Who said I was-“ “Nether rounds are specifically meant for Demonspawn.” “There are other uses for it!” “Fine,” he said. “Why are you hunting humans and dwarves?” “Now that’s just ridiculous,” Liss complained. “They are effective against Dragons too.” “Dragons!” Freddy all but shouted. “Do you have a death wish?” “Well I don’t see how it’s any of your concern,” Liss said, “All that should matter to you is that I get my fancy rifle.” Freddy closed his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, for some reason. Liss was fairly certain that this wasn’t the most outlandish thing she had come in here for. This probably wasn’t even in the top ten. “Okay, whatever,” Freddy said. “I’ll give you the same deal the last bozo-“ “Call me a bozo again and I’ll kick you where it counts.” “-last person who wanted a Silverlight rifle got.” Freddy said. “The wizard, Edades, who makes these things needs a certain type of growing crystal for some of his other research projects he does. He has a standing offer with us that if we can supply a crystal that he will stop being so-“he stopped talking. “So what?” Liss asked getting impatient. “Well, he got kind of vulgar with his language at that point,” Freddy scratched his beardless chin. “I’m trying to understand what some of it, but in short, if you get the crystal, you get the gun.” “For free?” Liss’ eyebrows shot up. A six thousand note gun, for free? “There has to be some sort of catch.” Freddy winced “well, the crystal is called Ildum and can only be found in-“ “Ildum!” Liss cried out, “In Cabar? That place is a war zone.” “Which is why I was so hesitant to suggest it to you.” Freddy said. “Not much is known about that place-“ “That’s because no one can survive that place!” Liss interrupted. “I’ll pay the six thousand. How long till it’s here?” “We’ll have to put you on a waiting list-“ “Great. How long have people been on that list?” Freddy reached into his desk and pulled out a paper, and it was mildly amusing to see that he had it ready on hand. “Let’s see,” he put on a pair of spectacles, they glowed and the lenses made his eyes shrink and grow as they adjusted to his particular eye…problems? Liss couldn’t remember the correct however-its-spelled word. “Our current customer has been waiting for about six years, and has fourteen people behind him.” Liss gaped. “You know what,” she said. “I want this rifle, but not badly enough to wait six years.” Freddy hesitated. “Well,” he said, “Then I guess you’ll be wanting to-“ “I’ll get you that crystal.” Freddy’s hand smacked against his forehead. “I thought you said that you would rather not die,” “Nooooo,” she said, drawing out the word and putting more emphasis on it as she did. “I said something along the lines of: given the option between waiting six years and getting it for sure or risk life and limb and potentially have it next week, I’d take the latter.” “You did not say that.” “Did too.” “Did not!” Poor Freddy. She thought, they say that memory is the first to go. “I’m taking the deal.” Freddy scowled and looked like he was going to say something to change her mind. But instead slid a sheet of paper over to her. “Sign here, so we aren’t responsible for your death.” “Now, that’s what I’m talking about.” To be continued Edited January 22, 2016 by warriormark16 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Zathoth Posted January 19, 2016 Report Share Posted January 19, 2016 I love the sarcastic, kind of conversational tone you have. It is too short to really get into what you do right and wrong, but Liss is great, I already like her. And I figure you will get into this but... why is she killing things? And why does she need neather rounds to kill demon spawn? And the guns, now I am interested in the guns and... well you definitely got me interested XD 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stormgate Posted January 19, 2016 Report Share Posted January 19, 2016 Names. You have a character named Liss and another called Edades, then the merchant is named Freddy. Try being more consistent with the names. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Citadel16 Posted January 19, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2016 Names. You have a character named Liss and another called Edades, then the merchant is named Freddy. Try being more consistent with the names. ... what? edades is mentioned once in this passage, by freddy, and doesnt even make an appearance in the whole plan I have for the story 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChickenPlague Posted January 19, 2016 Report Share Posted January 19, 2016 I think he means that the names should have a pattern. Since this is modern fantasy I don't agree because different cultures will be almost everywhere. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KaIadin Posted January 19, 2016 Report Share Posted January 19, 2016 Liss Huh is this story going to end with her gouging out the eyes of the dragon? 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Citadel16 Posted January 19, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 19, 2016 oh. um... No? I wasnt planning on it. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Citadel16 Posted January 22, 2016 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2016 okay changes made, emphasis added, more stuff written. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChickenPlague Posted January 22, 2016 Report Share Posted January 22, 2016 Lovely. 0 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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