Having a Bad Day?: Get 'yer Hugs here!!

[Orlion Blight]

33 minutes ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

If I do that, though, they'll know that I'd rather spend the holidays alone than with them. And that will be like dropping a nuke. Really, they expect me to want to spend the holidays with them, and even if I don't, they expect me to do it anyway—you spend holidays with family, period. For nearly four years when I was a kid, we'd open all our Christmas presents three days early so we could drive down to Oregon and spend the holidays with family that my parents always complained about after the fact. No one wanted to spend the holidays with our overbearing, over-frugal grandmother; or my mom's alcoholic parents; or aunts and uncles and great-aunts and great-uncles who had nothing to talk about with my parents but the weather. But they did, and now they expect the same unless I'm involved in some sort of tragic accident right around the holidays. And I'm not going to fake one. 

Seize your destiny. What are they going to do? Demand to talk to you? Demand you come anyway? You are trying to stabilize a new life, that should be enough. If they get pushy, you are far enough outside their zone of influence to ignore them.

Seriously, just do what you think is best for you, not just merely what you think will avoid the most confrontation.

[Zathoth]

So this is where we help you fake an accident?

Jokes aside. Is it so terrible that the family you cant stand know that you cant stand them?

Otherwise just use the excuse you just told us, add that Bruce isnt feeling well (technically not a lie...) and say that you dont want to travel with him or leave him alone. Oh she is going to whine, but what is she going to do?

[Sunbird]

I like Zathoth's idea. Using the Bruce excuse balances honesty with not having to spend the holidays with TwiParents as well as avoiding confrontation with them about not visiting.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles]

18 minutes ago, PantsForSquares said:

Out of curiosity, do you live in the same town/city as your family?

No. They're in Washington State and I'm in Louisiana. 

5 minutes ago, Orlion Determined said:

Seize your destiny. What are they going to do? Demand to talk to you? Demand you come anyway? You are trying to stabilize a new life, that should be enough. If they get pushy, you are far enough outside their zone of influence to ignore them.

Seriously, just do what you think is best for you, not just merely what you think will avoid the most confrontation.

 

5 minutes ago, Zathoth said:

So this is where we help you fake an accident?

Jokes aside. Is it so terrible that the family you cant stand know that you cant stand them?

Otherwise just use the excuse you just told us, add that Bruce isnt feeling well (technically not a lie...) and say that you dont want to travel with him or leave him alone. Oh she is going to whine, but what is she going to do?

Part of the problem is, they helped me out financially when I moved here. It was a pretty substantial gift, given right before I moved, and Twimom bought me a bunch of food that helped me through the first few weeks, while I was still waiting on my first paycheck. It's….I don't know if I feel like I owe her, but I know that she'll feel like I owe her. 

I just….really don't like confrontation. Especially not with them. 

[Zathoth]

1 minute ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

Part of the problem is, they helped me out financially when I moved here. It was a pretty substantial gift, given right before I moved, and Twimom bought me a bunch of food that helped me through the first few weeks, while I was still waiting on my first paycheck. It's….I don't know if I feel like I owe her, but I know that she'll feel like I owe her. 

I just….really don't like confrontation. Especially not with them. 

Just dont go, put together a little lie, she is going to get angry, but you cant go back there.

No one likes confronting their parents, not even people who usually take every single argument they can...

[Orlion Blight]

1 hour ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

No. They're in Washington State and I'm in Louisiana. 

 

Part of the problem is, they helped me out financially when I moved here. It was a pretty substantial gift, given right before I moved, and Twimom bought me a bunch of food that helped me through the first few weeks, while I was still waiting on my first paycheck. It's….I don't know if I feel like I owe her, but I know that she'll feel like I owe her. 

I just….really don't like confrontation. Especially not with them. 

All that help? It's back payment for all the times they were chullish human beings and for actively impeding your growth. You don't owe them anything. If they want you in their lives, they actually owe you. You get to set the terms!

 Basic economics of supply and demand 

[Silverblade5]

4 hours ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

It seems a little….personal to bring up with my supervisor. 

A personal thing that will have a direct impact on your ability to work. Try asking for a specific schedule, and explain if asked.

[Edgedancer]

6 hours ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

No. They're in Washington State and I'm in Louisiana. 

 

Part of the problem is, they helped me out financially when I moved here. It was a pretty substantial gift, given right before I moved, and Twimom bought me a bunch of food that helped me through the first few weeks, while I was still waiting on my first paycheck. It's….I don't know if I feel like I owe her, but I know that she'll feel like I owe her. 

I just….really don't like confrontation. Especially not with them. 

The fallout of not going might suck but at least there's a chance of it ending, once your parents get the message. If you go visit them, things will still suck and they won't change, so the situation with your parents will keep being miserable. Think of not going to your parents for christmas like ripping of a bandaid or getting a vaccination shot, unpleasant but keeping more harm away in the future.

[Mestiv]

I guess I'm gonna be in minority. @TwiLyghtSansSparkles I think you should go visit them. Make the visit as short as possible, but go. Here's my reasoning behind it.

Firstly, the thing about them helping you financially when you moved etc. I think you'd be more at peace with your conscience if you visit them as a way of saying "thank you" for their help. They may be terrible, horrible parents, but they didn't have to help you move away. They are terrible people, but they aren't inherently evil or something. Nasty characters, bad approach to parenting, but after all they did help and tried to take care of you before. (I know Twimom tried her best to discourage you from leaving).

Secondly, a very pragmatic thing. If something bad happens to you, you get sick, your apartment gets robbed or burned down etc. they are the people that you should be able to count on. Burning all bridges behind you, separating yourself from them, is a risky move, if you don't have anyone else to count on. Internet friends, friends here on the Shard, are important and can be supportive, but let's be honest, you cannot count on them in case of serious life problems that require material help. (Well, maybe @Kaymyth would be able and willing to help, but still, it's good to have family backup.)

Thirdly, do you have any other members of your family, you'd keep in touch with? I don't know what are your relations with your siblings, but if they still leave with your parents, then I guess cutting your parents away would seriously damage your contact with them. I don't want to make any assumptions about other Sharders that advised you to not go, but... How many of them actually don't have any contact with their parents/families and know the consequences of such actions? It's easy to advise cutting Twimom and Twidad from your life when they didn't ever face a situation when they don't have anyone to visit on Christmas. 

My fiancee had terrible mother. Much, much worse than Twimom, trust me on that. When she was around 10 years old her grandmother took her away from her mother to take care of her. Her father died when she was little. Now, she has only her grandmother. Every time December comes I see how hard it is for her. We visit my family, 20 people at one table, singing carols, opening presents. It always hurts her that she doesn't have her own family. She has her grandmother (she was bad for her at Twimom level more or less) and we visit her obviously, but still. Now I cannot imagine how hard it would be for you Twi to spend Christmas all alone. I don't know you that much, but I know that not many people would be fine with being alone during this period of year.

Now, to end my argument I'll just say: family, even if it has huge flaws, is important. It'll sound cheesy, but Christmas is time for forgiveness and I think you (and your parents too) should do your best to spend this time peacefully. Cutting them away is an option every time of the year, why not first check how your relations changed now that you moved away?

[Orlion Blight]

3 hours ago, Mestiv said:

 I don't want to make any assumptions about other Sharders that advised you to not go, but... How many of them actually don't have any contact with their parents/families and know the consequences of such actions? It's easy to advise cutting Twimom and Twidad from your life when they didn't ever face a situation when they don't have anyone to visit on Christmas. 

I did. I specifically had no contact with my parents for a few years. They got the message eventually and I now have a relationship with them on my terms.

[Kaymyth]

18 hours ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

No. They're in Washington State and I'm in Louisiana. 

 

Part of the problem is, they helped me out financially when I moved here. It was a pretty substantial gift, given right before I moved, and Twimom bought me a bunch of food that helped me through the first few weeks, while I was still waiting on my first paycheck. It's….I don't know if I feel like I owe her, but I know that she'll feel like I owe her. 

I just….really don't like confrontation. Especially not with them. 

I was going to respond to this, but Orlion already said it.  It's back pay for tolerating their abuse for your entire life.

16 hours ago, Orlion Determined said:

All that help? It's back payment for all the times they were chullish human beings and for actively impeding your growth. You don't owe them anything. If they want you in their lives, they actually owe you. You get to set the terms!

 Basic economics of supply and demand 

 

9 hours ago, Mestiv said:

I guess I'm gonna be in minority. @TwiLyghtSansSparkles I think you should go visit them. Make the visit as short as possible, but go. Here's my reasoning behind it.

Firstly, the thing about them helping you financially when you moved etc. I think you'd be more at peace with your conscience if you visit them as a way of saying "thank you" for their help. They may be terrible, horrible parents, but they didn't have to help you move away. They are terrible people, but they aren't inherently evil or something. Nasty characters, bad approach to parenting, but after all they did help and tried to take care of you before. (I know Twimom tried her best to discourage you from leaving).

Secondly, a very pragmatic thing. If something bad happens to you, you get sick, your apartment gets robbed or burned down etc. they are the people that you should be able to count on. Burning all bridges behind you, separating yourself from them, is a risky move, if you don't have anyone else to count on. Internet friends, friends here on the Shard, are important and can be supportive, but let's be honest, you cannot count on them in case of serious life problems that require material help. (Well, maybe @Kaymyth would be able and willing to help, but still, it's good to have family backup.)

Thirdly, do you have any other members of your family, you'd keep in touch with? I don't know what are your relations with your siblings, but if they still leave with your parents, then I guess cutting your parents away would seriously damage your contact with them. I don't want to make any assumptions about other Sharders that advised you to not go, but... How many of them actually don't have any contact with their parents/families and know the consequences of such actions? It's easy to advise cutting Twimom and Twidad from your life when they didn't ever face a situation when they don't have anyone to visit on Christmas. 

My fiancee had terrible mother. Much, much worse than Twimom, trust me on that. When she was around 10 years old her grandmother took her away from her mother to take care of her. Her father died when she was little. Now, she has only her grandmother. Every time December comes I see how hard it is for her. We visit my family, 20 people at one table, singing carols, opening presents. It always hurts her that she doesn't have her own family. She has her grandmother (she was bad for her at Twimom level more or less) and we visit her obviously, but still. Now I cannot imagine how hard it would be for you Twi to spend Christmas all alone. I don't know you that much, but I know that not many people would be fine with being alone during this period of year.

Now, to end my argument I'll just say: family, even if it has huge flaws, is important. It'll sound cheesy, but Christmas is time for forgiveness and I think you (and your parents too) should do your best to spend this time peacefully. Cutting them away is an option every time of the year, why not first check how your relations changed now that you moved away?

In the immortal words of Bobby Singer:  "Family ain't always blood."  And sometimes, blood relations don't deserve to be called family.  The years upon years of abuse Twi's parents heaped upon her have basically forfeited their rights to be considered family.  To some folks, that might sound harsh, but I don't always believe that forgiveness is the answer.  Some people don't deserve to be forgiven.

There are some other factors in play here that I'm not going to give the details on; I think by now Twi has mentioned them openly on the Shard, but I'm still not willing to out more than she wants to say in this particular instance.  But it all boils down to the fact that sooner or later, a cut direct is highly probable; it's just a matter of which side initates it.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles]

I don't know if now is the time to make that cut, though. Things have been pretty peaceful between my parents and I lately, and I know that doesn't excuse everything they did, but my concern is that if I make the cut now, there won't be a visible connection between "treat Twi like crem" and "Twi doesn't want to spend the holiday with us." They'd take it as me being either troubled, a brat, or a troubled brat; whereas if I wait until they do something provoking, there'll at least be a connection there. 

[Orlion Blight]

9 minutes ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

I don't know if now is the time to make that cut, though. Things have been pretty peaceful between my parents and I lately, and I know that doesn't excuse everything they did, but my concern is that if I make the cut now, there won't be a visible connection between "treat Twi like crem" and "Twi doesn't want to spend the holiday with us." They'd take it as me being either troubled, a brat, or a troubled brat; whereas if I wait until they do something provoking, there'll at least be a connection there. 

The key is to do it for you. If it's the best plan for you and your well being, great! If, however, it's for their peace of mind, f that noise! You are formulating a new, more confident Twi. In many ways, the Twi your family interacted with is no more. In a certain metaphysical sense, you've died and been reborn into a more perfect Twi. Being a new Twi, your family will have to justify their place in your life, whether it be the same place they inhabited before or a lower rung of relationship...but most importantly, it should be on terms you find agreeable!

Essentially, if you end up going, it should be because to deigned to illuminate the dull, tedious filth your parents call life with your glorious presence, not because those gnats hold sway over you.

[Kaymyth]

30 minutes ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

I don't know if now is the time to make that cut, though. Things have been pretty peaceful between my parents and I lately, and I know that doesn't excuse everything they did, but my concern is that if I make the cut now, there won't be a visible connection between "treat Twi like crem" and "Twi doesn't want to spend the holiday with us." They'd take it as me being either troubled, a brat, or a troubled brat; whereas if I wait until they do something provoking, there'll at least be a connection there. 

Yeh, I get that.  Do what you feel like you need to do for the greatest benefit to your mental health.

[soyperson]

1 hour ago, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

I don't know if now is the time to make that cut, though. Things have been pretty peaceful between my parents and I lately, and I know that doesn't excuse everything they did, but my concern is that if I make the cut now, there won't be a visible connection between "treat Twi like crem" and "Twi doesn't want to spend the holiday with us." They'd take it as me being either troubled, a brat, or a troubled brat; whereas if I wait until they do something provoking, there'll at least be a connection there. 

I'm glad things are peaceful. I understand the pressure of obligation vs justification. 

But you're an adult, and you don't owe them anything, Twi. You need to do what fulfills you.

Just remember: family is where you feel loved. 

Your relatives may treat you like crem, but your Shard family, and your loved ones, and your adorable pug-baby, will always be here for you.

[Darkness Ascendant]

@TwiLyghtSansSparkles, could you clarify to me just how bad your parent's are. Everyone else is speaking of them as if they're the Dursleys

[Kaymyth]

4 minutes ago, Darkness Ascendant said:

@TwiLyghtSansSparkles, could you clarify to me just how bad your parent's are. Everyone else is speaking of them as if they're the Dursleys

They're about in that league, yeah.

[Darkness Ascendant]

Just now, Kaymyth said:

They're about in that league, yeah.

I meant, what have they done exactly. I've only read snippets in this thread and pet peeves

[Kaymyth]

1 minute ago, Darkness Ascendant said:

I meant, what have they done exactly. I've only read snippets in this thread and pet peeves

Rather a lot emotional abuse and gaslighting, with double standards galore.  There's a previous Bad Day thread that has some of the history in it, but it really boils down to the fact that Twi's mom is a master manipulator who believes that her children are there to serve her every whim.  Any hints of individuality or disagreement with her likes, dislikes, and values is considered to be a vicious attack on her, and by extension the family unit.

She actively discouraged Twi from taking the job she has now (in spite of having no offers where TwiMom wanted her to stay) because it wouldn't keep her within the dictator's sphere of direct influence. 

[Darkness Ascendant]

Just now, Kaymyth said:

Rather a lot emotional abuse and gaslighting, with double standards galore.  There's a previous Bad Day thread that has some of the history in it, but it really boils down to the fact that Twi's mom is a master manipulator who believes that her children are there to serve her every whim.  Any hints of individuality or disagreement with her likes, dislikes, and values is considered to be a vicious attack on her, and by extension the family unit.

She actively discouraged Twi from taking the job she has now (in spite of having no offers where TwiMom wanted her to stay) because it wouldn't keep her within the dictator's sphere of direct influence. 

That's kinda like my dad, but with threats of physical abuse XD thing is he's quite lenient, but he also has High BP so he is quick to anger, and the angrier he is, the less he can tolerate. This reminds me of alot of protagonists in books come to think of it. Traitor Son Cycle, protagonist was raised by his mother to be a Power of the Wild, Lightbringer, Kip's mother abused him, but manipulated him in a way so he completed he dying wish. Among other manipulation during the book without spoiling.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles]

7 hours ago, Darkness Ascendant said:

@TwiLyghtSansSparkles, could you clarify to me just how bad your parent's are. Everyone else is speaking of them as if they're the Dursleys

 

7 hours ago, Kaymyth said:

Rather a lot emotional abuse and gaslighting, with double standards galore.  There's a previous Bad Day thread that has some of the history in it, but it really boils down to the fact that Twi's mom is a master manipulator who believes that her children are there to serve her every whim.  Any hints of individuality or disagreement with her likes, dislikes, and values is considered to be a vicious attack on her, and by extension the family unit.

She actively discouraged Twi from taking the job she has now (in spite of having no offers where TwiMom wanted her to stay) because it wouldn't keep her within the dictator's sphere of direct influence. 

Kaymyth summed it up pretty well. Emotional abuse, gaslighting, guilt trips for anything she didn't like. If you want an example of a typical Twimom manipulation, shortly before I moved out, she bullied me into telling her how much money I had in my bank account; and shortly afterward, she had the audacity to thank me and say that I "really helped her feel better" about how I was doing. I made it clear that I wasn't comfortable laying all of my finances out on the table, even though they were in good shape, but she had to have a dollar amount. And it's worth noting that if I or my siblings asked my parents how much money they had in their bank account, Twimom and Twidad would subject us to long, angry lectures on how that's none of our business, how we need to trust them, how inadequate we make them feel when we ask questions like that. 

And it's also worth noting that when I made it clear that the move to Louisiana was happening and there was nothing Twimom could do to stop it, she began playing the part of the supportive mother, acting as though she'd done that all along. 

[JUQ]

@TwiLyghtSansSparkles As someone who has extremely supportive parents and relies on them daily, I feel very sorry for you! *hugs*

EDIT: Wow, I can't believe I thought people would take me seriously. I'm not even sure what I was trying to prove.

Edited January 31, 2017 by JUQ

[Delightful]

On 03/10/2016 at 8:16 AM, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

Okay, I've decided: I don't want to go home for Christmas. 

But I don't see a way out of it. They'll be able to look online and see that the library will be closed from the 24th through the 26th, making that the most strategic time to take leave (even though two of those days aren't paid holidays, so I'll either be working to make them up or taking leave anyway). Right now, they want me to stay a week; I can weasel out of that by saying that I only have 5 days of paid leave saved up (which is true) plus one floating holiday, but that I also want to save a day or two of leave in case I get sick or something. 

But aaarrrrghhhh I don't want to dive back into the sea of crazy. 

Okay crazy suggestion:

go back to the crazy but don't stay with them. Get a hotel room or something, so when you've had enough of everyone and their craziness and judginess and whatever, you can retreat to your own bubble without having to deal with everyone 24/7 like you used to   

On 03/10/2016 at 8:54 AM, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

It seems a little….personal to bring up with my supervisor. 

Possibly the supervisor could give you work at a time that would prevent you from travelling and you just don't mention to your parents that you requested it? 

On 03/10/2016 at 9:39 AM, TwiLyghtSansSparkles said:

No. They're in Washington State and I'm in Louisiana. 

 

Part of the problem is, they helped me out financially when I moved here. It was a pretty substantial gift, given right before I moved, and Twimom bought me a bunch of food that helped me through the first few weeks, while I was still waiting on my first paycheck. It's….I don't know if I feel like I owe her, but I know that she'll feel like I owe her. 

I just….really don't like confrontation. Especially not with them. 

Sometimes confrontation can be healthy?

 

good luck making a healthy decision. 

[Djarskublar]

One suggestion that you should take with more than a pinch of salt: initiate a situation where you would feel comfortable severing ties. If you want to sever ties, then you could sneakily do something to provoke them, then call them on it and sever ties. I will not say this is the best solution, or even a good one, but it is an option. I have done similar things with my family, just not so... drastically.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles]

3 minutes ago, Cognizantastic said:

Things are going horrifically for Make-a-Wish.

The school is saturated with fundraisers. Groups like Costa Rica Club pump out events like no tomorrow, backed by full administrative support because all higher faculty is going on the trip. Formerly successful events are reduced to shadows of their former selves, simply because organizations with more favor from those with power are draining cash from what I once saw as Altruism Territory. 

Our advisor is leaving. Once she's gone, the principal will descend like a bird of prey and tear our fundraising capability to shreds, if he doesn't cancel us outright. The Father-Daughter Dance, our biggest event (it pulled in 4100 dollars last year, almost an entire Wish) will be stripped from us to be given to ASB or PTC or ROTC or whatever other group he has decided to favor. No one else has stepped to the plate. Even if we do manage to pull someone up, they won't be able to effectively fight administration as our previous advisor did due to inexperience and reliance upon them for their job. I am eloquent and fairly persuasive, but wield no true political power. Once she's gone, so are her clout and expertise. 

In short, the golden age is over. We will likely never again adopt 3 wishes in a year.

But damned if I won't try. 

Have you contacted the foundation yet?