12/14/2015- Comatose - Preparing the Emperor's Tea (Chapter 1)

[Comatose]

It's still Monday right?  I didn't have as much time as I would like to work on this one, so it may be a little rough.  

 

Preparing the Emperor's Tea is intended to be a novella, and I'm shooting for around 25,000 - 40,000 words.  It's a prequel to a larger project I'm working on, but I'm hoping for it to stand on its own.  I'm going for a twist on ah  coming of age story, focusing on the life of a servant and her relationships to the 'important' noble folk she serves.   The prologue is a flash-forward, in which Naiyu gets the opportunity to serve tea to the Emperor.  Chapter One starts with Naiyu as a child.  I intend to further the future story line in interludes in between parts, and then finish up in the final part of the book.  

 

So, in the prologue, we see Naiyu prepare and then serve tea to the Emperor and his two sons.   The emperor and his sons are having a serious discussion about killing "the boy".  This discussion is interrupted when the Emperor dies suddenly shortly after drinking Naiyu's tea.  

 

In Chapter One, we have Naiyu as a child playing with her friend Inah.  

 

Things I particularly want help with: 

 

(1) I didn't include a time  marker ('X Years Ago').  Is the current time period relative to the prologue clear?  If not, any suggestions on how to make it clearer?  I don't want to make the passage of time explicit in the story for stylistic reasons, but let me know if you think an explicit time frame is necessary, or if you have some intermediary measure to suggest.  

 

(2) The tone in this chapter is very different from the tone in the prologue (mostly because of the different location and the age of the viewpoint character).  Does this shift and tone work?  If not, do you have any suggestions?   

 

(3)  This is still early in the process for me, so full line-edits aren't necessary, but if you see a particularly egregious typo, a common error that keeps popping up, or just want to do a line edit, feel free.  

 

(4)  Comments on the characterization of Child!Naiyu, Inah, and Kimerak.  

 

(5)  What promises am I making?  

 

Thanks folks!   Enjoy reading.  

[Mandamon]

Very cool.  I like the spirits, and the use of spirit's blood bodes ill.  I'm eager to find out what the witch needs to be reminded of, though I doubt she actually needs to be reminded.

 

1) The time period is pretty clear.  I'm thinking late 19th/ early 20th cent. Japan.  I didn't have any problem getting into the story, and even if my estimate of the time period is wrong, I don't see that it really matters for the story yet.

 

2) The tone here fit well with the age of the character, I thought.  I don't remember the prologue too well, since it's been several months, but I remember it being a little slower, which works for the age of the character.

 

4) Didn't note anything in particular.  I didn't get much character from Inah.  I was wondering, before you say she's a spirit, whether she was an imaginary friend, and whether the adults would be able to see her at all.  I liked Kimerak.  She seems a more mature spirit than Inah, but probably up to no good.

 

5) Promises:

--The spirit's blood is not a good thing.

--Witch/potions seem to go together.  This is a counterpoint to the poison in the prologue.

--The mysterious lady will obviously be further involved in the story.

 

Looking forward to more!

[Comatose]

Thanks for the feedback!  

 

1)  For time period, I was referring to the time in Naiyu's life, relative to the prologue (so earlier childhood vs adulthood), not the analagous earth time period.  To your credit, you did get the analagous time period mostly right, though this world does have some key differences (especially when you begin to travel to other regions).  The area where Naiyu grew up, and where the first chapter is based, is a little backwards compared to more modern parts of the world.  

 

2)  Glad it worked!

 

4)  Glad to see you are wondering this.  I thought it would be fun to make it a little ambiguous.  More from Inah in the next chapter.  Thanks for the observations on Kimerak as well.  

 

5)  Thanks for these .  

[AuthorityHellas16]

Hey Comatose,

 

Loved this work, really did. I think you nailed the carefree, innocent nature of the children, and I'm very interested to see how Naiyu develops as a character. The spirits were very cool and I look forward to seeing how they affect the story. I'm also very interested in Deneya as well. I think your decision to make Kimerak a dragon (I had images of Maleficent's dragon form from the old Sleeping Beauty animated film, for some reason) is a much more effective way of creating a sinister atmosphere than saying "she looked sinister." The foreshadowing was also not to blatant, while piquing my interest.

 

Mandamon has answered the questions you wanted perfectly (as usual), so I won't add anything there. My only other feedback is to watch the personal pronoun use vs. name use, particularly at the start. I'm surprised Robinski hasn't come and beaten you over the head with his grammar stick! Repetitive use of Naiyu and Inah can cause the prose to be clunky at times. Otherwise it's really good. 

 

Look forward to reading more.

Keep writing!

Edited December 18, 2015 by AuthorityHellas16

[Comatose]

Thanks for the feedback, and for the note about pronoun use.  I will definitely look out for that in future chapters, and during edits.  

[rdpulfer]

- I liked the playful tone of the first paragraph, and really, the whole first scene.

 

- It's been a while since I read the prologue, but I don't recall there being this much magic in the world. It might be good to add some hints of magic in the prologue, but this could be Weekly Reader Syndrome talking.

 

- I really like Kimerak and how ominous the spirit's words are. I think it's a really effective tone shift, especially when you don't know where hr spirit friends went. I'd definitely like to read more!  

[rohyu]

I never read the prologue, so I can't answer your questions regarding that, but hopefully I can offer some useful feedback about chapter 1.

 

I think you did a good job dishing out a lot of information without 'telling' it. One hangup I had was that it felt too easy for Kimerak to convince Naiya to drink the spirit's blood. If Inah warned Naiyu about spirit blood, I would think she would be more hesitant to trust a spirit that gets rid of Inah so they can talk alone.

 

(1) Naiyu playing hide and seek did a good job of telling me she is a child. If I had to guess I'd say she is around the age of 7-10 in chapter 1.

(4)  I felt like Naiyu is a carefree child, Inah is a mischievous spirit, and Kimerak is a foreboding and possibly evil spirit.

 

(5)  Because Kimerak gets rid of Inah before talking to Naiyu, I think there will be a conflict/battle between the spirits of the world.

At least as a child, Naiyu will do anything to help others.

 

What do you notice about Naiyu as a character?  Does she interest you?

 

 

I think this question might have been about the prologue, but hopefully my thoughts on chapter 1 can be helpful. The impression I got from chapter 1 is that Naiyu is respectful, adventurous, too trusting and empathetic. I am more interested in her interactions with the spirits than with her as a standalone character.

Edited December 20, 2015 by rohyu

[Robinski]

Some detailed comments, below. I didn’t bother with the typos, sorry, there were only a couple that I saw.

 

“gave a stern look of disapproval that needed no words to explain” – this seems like quite a lot of words for something that doesn’t need them ;o)

 

“weaving with expert precision in between adults in silk robes and the wares they were trying to sell with expert precision” – otherwise the adults are being meticulous about their vending techniques

 

“ignored the stares and the looks” and “a dozen tiny thorns and barbs” – you have a tendency (so far) to use two words where one would do – something that I'm prone to myself

 

“her friend’s name” – there’s only one friend, right?

 

I like Kimerak as a character from the off. Not obviously good or evil, despite the overtones of her description and the conditions of her appearance, and her dialogue is gloriously malevolent, and yet with a twinge of sympathy.

 

To sum up, I love it, love it, love it. There’s a lovely gentle tone to this submission that very nicely captures the child’s perspective. Nothing is evil, bitter or gritty, there is joy and uncertainty, and a wonderful childlike openness to everything around the protagonist. It’s very satisfying when so many stories (not just on here) contain brutal violence and knowing cynicism (i.e. like the real world).

 

I read your prologue back in July, and liked that a good deal. I didn’t go back to it before I read this, and I'm glad I didn’t although I still remember the chain of events. I couldn’t really answer the question (I asked myself) of whether you need a prologue without reading it again.

 

There isn’t an awful lot of description or scene-setting, but I didn’t feel that lacking, I was happy to picture a small lake, a market being set up, etc. for myself and didn’t feel a need for small details, because the characters very nicely held my attention.

 

1)   Time shift: “Eight, Nine, Ten! Naiyu opened her eyes and squealed with delight.” – This first line of Chapter 1 is all you need – I think. It spells out immediately that we’re dealing with a child here. I think you’ve cracked that one.

 

2)   Tone shift: It worked for me.

 

3)   Typos: Sorry, I didn’t flag them, but there are a couple of wrong words. Nothing that I felt the need to bop with the Grammar Stick.

 

4)   Characterisation: Child Naiyu – spot one; Kimerak – excellent; Inah – okay, didn’t really take a strong impression away, but definitely got playful spirit, more from Inah’s actions. A softer, more neutral charater(s) is probably no bad thing, rather than everyone being interesting and vital and catching the reader’s attention. Every story needs NPCs!

 

5)   Promises: Interesting one. Clearly, something is going to go wrong, and as I mean as a result of Chapter 1 events, since it’s already gone very wrong for Naiyu in the prologue!! Are you promising Kimerak is evil? I don’t know that you are, but there’s definitely strong suspicion. Not sure there’s a lot else at this point, that I got.

 

I'm very much looking forward to reading more of your story.

 

(p.s. - I like Rohyu's comments about how well you showed-not-told, and that Kaiyu was maybe a little quick to taste the blood (on reflection) - just a tad, a smidgen, like maybe 4 or 5 words-worth.)

[Comatose]

Thanks so much!

 

RE: Naiyu and the Spirit's Blood - I worried that Kimerak was convincing her too easily as well.  How I eventually rationalized it for myself is that Naiyu at this point has a weak spot for spirits (she spends more time playing with Inah than with human children).  Even though she's been warned by Gorgo and Inah, Naiyu is not the most cautious child, and Kimerak's words are enough to reassure her.  I usually try to let my characters drive the plot, rather than the other way around, and I feel like this is in character for Naiyu at this point, even if it would not make sense for other characters.  

 

That said, please keep flagging moments like this where the plot seems to be undermining characterization, as that is definitely something I want to avoid.  

 

Glad to hear the ambiguity of Kimerak's moral alignment is working out.  

 

RE: Extra words - guilty as charged, haha.  Keep flagging these please!

[Shrike76]

Typos and specific things not mentioned above:

P4 - When Kimerak reveals itself as a dragon, I'd have liked a bit of details as to its size. "Dragon" brings to mind a massive beast, but Naiyu, a small child, doesn't balk at it, so it made me think maybe it was a rather small creature.

P5 - Same as above, when Kimerak spews flames from her mouth. How big is this gout of flames?

P5 - Near the bottom with the paragraph starting "Naiyu hesitated." you use the word "seem" four times in two rather short paragraphs. Maybe try to trim some.

P6 - "There a various reasons;" - There are

P6 - "I need an answer, child, will you help me..." - Comma splice, should read "an answer, child. Will you..."

 

There are a few paragraphs where you hit us with several lines of dialogue, interspersed with described action or thoughts, but the actions and thoughts don't belong to the character who is speaking. I personally dislike it, and I think it's generally better to avoid it since is can lead to misattribution of the dialogue, but sometimes it can be defended as a matter of style if you're really clean with it. YMMV with other readers.

  - Examples:

     - P1, Paragraph starting with: "I don't need to be invisible to fool..."

     - P3, Paragraph starting with: "No! I... I do not need any help."

     - P5, Paragraph starting with: Kimerak smiled, baring her sparkling white fangs.

     - A mixed one. On P6, Paragraph starting with "Patience child. Do not interrupt." - The following line with Kimerak licking her lips and Naiyu seeing it is fine. But the part later where Naiyu nods feels to me like it should start its own paragraph.

 

And in spite of those notes I feel the need to say that your writing is very clean and easy to read. I enjoyed reading this submission very much.

 

I like the character of Naiyu. I think she comes across as being a child, and being curious and in some ways naive, but not as being stupid. You handled this quite well here.

Inah we don't see much but it appears to be a playful, mischievous spirit. Kimerak seems to be more of a trickster archetype, but I'd need to see what the result is of the encounter (what consequences come about from the blood, the witch, and the tearful woman) before I know anything about that spirit. At this point she could be pure evil or willing to make sacrifices to further some greater good.

 

For your questions:

1) I don't think I received the prologue, so I can't compare this scene with that one. If you're hopping back and forth between scenes, you could add markers such as including the date and year, or being blunt and sayng "The present day" or "Twelve years ago" or whatever.

Personally, I think if you're as good at conveying Naiyu's age in other scenes as you are doing it here, it should be fine for most readers if you don't put anything at all, and just trust your readers to realize that "Ah, this must be from when Naiyu was a child". This approach probably works best if you have only one POV character and we consistently see a shift every time we change to a new chapter.

2) Again, I can't compare, but I did enjoy the tone of this scene and thought it fit the character's age very well.

3) See notes above

4) Again, above. Naiyu is very well represented, and it's too early for the other two.

5) Most of your promises are broadly telegraphed: the crying woman, the blood of Kimerak and the witch Gorgo. The other question would be what happened to Inah that she never returned? 

 

It's not quite a promise, but the thing I'm most curious about going forward, since Naiyu interacted with two spirits here, is whether spirits (and communicating with them) are a commonplace occurrence or if Naiyu is exceptional, and if she's exceptional what is it that makes her so.

[Comatose]

Thanks for these!

 

RE: thoughts and dialogue - I'll keep an out for this.  Since I'm writing third person limited, I guess I assumed it would be clear that everything was from Naiyu's viewpoint, and all thoughts would be Naiyu's, and that it would be clear that including Naiyu's responses to some dialogue would not be too confusing.  Still, it's always good to be extra certain, especially with dialogue, so thanks for pointing this out.  Thanks for sharing your preference.

 

There were no Spirits in the prologue, so this is the first you are seeing of them.  I'll hold off giving exposition about Naiyu's interaction with them, and save that for future chapters.  If you would like to check out the prologue, just let me know and I can send it off to you .  

[Shrike76]

If you would like to check out the prologue, just let me know and I can send it off to you .  

 

Sure, I'll see if I can get you my email address.