20130708 -Robinski -The Tontine Inn By The Shore -Part 2of4 (DSV)

[Robinski]

Please excuse the prompt posting, I'm away for the next couple of days and didn't want to miss the window.

 

Cheers, Robinski

Edited July 15, 2013 by Robinski

[andyk]

Pretty much everything I said about the first part, good and bad, holds for this one, and I won't repeat it all here. My overall impression was that there's still not much happening, and this becomes more of a problem the longer the story goes on. While the premise and setting are intriguing, I'm not convinced there's enough happening to justify the length of this scene.

 

On page 14 there was a bit of dialogue between Sabine and Peter that seemed odd. Saying 'not in front of Blacklake', or words to that effect, seemed oddly unsubtle given that Blacklake's apparently the PoV for this scene and so privy to that dialogue.

 

I'm still interested to see where this is going, though my attention was starting to wander.

[Asmodemon]

Faster start: The second part starts off faster than the first part, which is really what the story needs. All three main/important characters are together and all have hidden motives, which could prove to make an interesting dinner. Manipulation and innuendo, you could do a lot here. Unfortunately the momentum dies quickly and there are some clunky bits that made me stumble for a bit, such as ‘snapped casually’ (how does one do that exactly?) or ‘To Blacklake’s slight advantage’ (I get that Blacklake wants to hide his faux pas, but to call someone’s hesitant answer a slight advantage doesn’t feel quite right).

 

Inner cackling: I found some of Blacklake’s inner thoughts/monologues a bit hard to believe. Like the section starting with ‘God how this woman stirs me’. It’s like he’s the stereotypical villain, cackling at his own brilliance.

 

He also keeps alluding to something he plans to do, and has done so since the first part, but for the longest time doesn’t think concretely about his plans. Now, maybe it’s just me, but I like to know ahead of time what a POV character plans to do rather than hint at it in their own perspective. We are in their heads, we should know, especially since it’s on the character’s mind. When we do find out his master plan, dealing with drugging Sabine, it actually felt anti-climactic.

 

Dwam: I’ve never seen the word ‘dwam’ before and had to look it up. Initially I thought you had misspelled some other word, but apparently it means stupor or daydream. You may want to reconsider using the word. Later you do misspell the word soul when you use ‘God rest his sole’.

 

Long paragraphs: You use long paragraphs and they make the story feel long simply by being large blocks of text. There is hardly any variation as well. Perhaps you’d consider splitting up some of the longer blocks into smaller chunks.

 

Unnecessary hostility: What I had the most problems with was that all the characters are unnecessarily hostile, all the time. This was the case in the last part and it’s the case now.

 

Prime example, the constable enters, calls Blacklake’s name and Blacklake practically explodes at him: ‘don’t toy with me’, where did that come from? Guilty conscience?

 

Then the constable answers him reasonably and Blacklake urges the constable to be calm – the constable was calm.

 

Which I cannot say for Peter, since he’s the guy who explodes over Blacklake’s words next. Did he expect Blacklake to confess or something? For people who are supposed to be good at manipulation and who hold positions of power they let their strings get plucked rather easily.

 

Confusing leaps in conversations: Some of the things the characters say are responses to things that weren’t said, nor were they implied. Some of that I mentioned in the above paragraph. Another, which was a real head-scratcher, is when Sabine says that there is nowhere for Blacklake to run. Nobody was talking about him running or fleeing in any way, so where did that come from and why do all the characters find this a natural thing for her to say?

 

No emotional connection: After reading the two parts I don’t care for any of the characters. Which is partly due to them being so incredibly hostile they are near unbelievable. When you revealed Blacklake’s intention to have a ‘tryst’ with Sabine by drugging her I didn’t really feel anything at all, aside from the basic premise of his plan being deplorable out of principle. What actually happens to Sabine though can go either way for all I care. Maybe that’s your intention, to write a story about characters no one gives anything about. If so, you’re doing a good job. But if we’re supposed to care for some of these characters you’ve not hit the right chords with me. That can become a big problem.

 

Purpose of dinner: What was the purpose of this dinner? The way it was foreshadowed in the first part and the start of this part I gathered they had important things to discuss, but in the end they didn’t say anything important to each other at all. What was the purpose? Not your purpose as the writer, which was to bring Blacklake’s plan in motion and drugging Sabine, but the purpose of the characters. Why was Peter there? Why was Sabine there? What did they have to gain by this dinner?

[Robinski]

Thank you both for your comments, very valuable.

 

Asmodemon, I can't disagree with any of your observations and, again, it's good to hear them from an objective source. I submitted Tontine as my first toe in the water for Reading Excuses, but knowing it needed to be fixed. Back when I wrote it I did tend towards writing as an expression of the style I was aiming for without considering the story points closely enough, something I hope I am learning from W/E.

 

I was conscious of the lack of likeability of the characters, but that does not excuse the lack of basis for sections of dialogue - I will certainly (try to) fix that when I come to re-writing Tontine, and the hostility thing I can see now, and will address.

 

Sorry about misspelling 'soul', criminal! And using 'dwam', a temptation that I should not have given in to.

 

andyk, I accept completely the point about pacing of the story overall. In reality, it is probably only a short story that has become rather bloated by my weakness for wordiness. I am sharpening the knife! There is some action in the second half, and I won't say any more at this point.

 

Cheers, Robinski

[Mandamon]

I agree with everything the others said, especially Asmodemon's detailed analysis. It pretty much hit all the points I felt were lacking.

 

I also had similar concerns to the first part. This was just a long (rich) description of a dinner where nothing really happens.

 

I also got stuck on "dwam" as well as "tweeness" and had to look both of them up. "legér-de-main" I've seen before, and can puzzle out anyway, but the three of these in close proximity took me out of the story.

 

Also, this one sentence took me out:
"The prospect of becoming familiar with their eating habits soon became distasteful"
--why is Blacklake bothering to become familiar with eating habits?

 

and, as Asmodemon mentions, there was the possible POV goof of Peter and Sabine whispering where Blacklack could hear...?

 

I really like your writing style, and am eager to see more action. Looking forward to the next parts.

[Robinski]

Thank you Mandamon, once again excellent comments. This is my first submission to any writing group, indeed my first real toe in the water outside my family circle, and each time one of you guys comments I am blown away by what a positive experience it is - I hope I'm not overstating it, but it just makes me want to read everything that is posted up here and contribute to this great atmosphere of constructive cooperation. Sorry, that was a bit gushing, not like me really, back to the subject...

 

Good point about the words, even if I can get away with "tweeness" and "legér-de-main", putting them close together has got to be a no-no, agreed.

 

When you paste the sentence about eating habits into a post it does jar - but I think there's a consistency issue here as well. He has dined with these people before - so he's already familiar with their eating habits, so I should at least have said 'become reacquainted' - academic anyway, that bit's for the chop, or at least a short back and sides, along with the whispering passage.

 

I am greatly heartened to hear that you like the style - as I noted earlier, I think this was very much an exercise in style and that the substance needs the same amount of attention for it to go any further than critiquing.

 

Indebted again, best, R

Edited July 13, 2013 by Robinski