20150713 - Fruits of the Gods Ch23, Part 1 (3241) - Mandamon

[Mandamon he/him]

Chapter 23, part 1 - last chapter!

Previously:
Kisare and Belili escaped their captivity on the Aricaba plantation, along the way finding that Belili has a lock of magical hair colored brown, enabling her to use the Fruit that grows in their land to do magic.  They meet up with Hbelu, prince of the displaced Asha-Urmana people, and plan to work in his village, building a new life.  However their old master attacks with his uguards.  The village fends him off, though he vows to return.  Hbelu, the elders, and Kisare and Belili hold a council, and Hbelu decides they must travel to Karduniash to activate the seeds.  Kisare discovers she has some color in her hair as well.  They start the journey to Karduniash, accompanied by Hbelu, Zikar, and Nidintu, but are soon ambushed a few days out from the village by Aricaba-Ata and Enti-Ilzi.  Belili and Kisare escape, but Hbelu is captured.  The sisters, with the advice of the scout, decide to follow the noble’s trail.  They come across a town, and dye their hair to disguise themselves as Asha-Urmana to search for Hbelu.  In the town they meet up with Gemeti, a mysterious old woman, who decides to come with them and make them into nobles.  They meet with the local Asha-Urmana, who allow the three to travel with them.  Over a few weeks, they learn about being nobles, travel with the Asha-Urmana nearer the capital, and practice their magic.  The three travel close to Karduniash, but are betrayed by a forger, and are forced to split up by the town guard.  Each sister travels a different path to enter the city.  Kisa avoids the guards and reunites with Gemeti, while Belili makes her own way into the palace.  Both of them manage to get rooms in the palace, though Belili’s are more favorable than Kisare’s.  Belili confronts and kills Ilzi, as well as gaining information about Aricaba-Ata, while Kisare is introduced by Gemeti to a high noble sympathetic to her cause.  Kisare learns more about the Dyad from the high noble, while Belili spins a story about her background to gain Marut’s favor.  At the Cherry Festival, Kisare’s eyes are opened to Noble life, and she and Belili both meet the Dyad, as well as have a confrontation with Aricaba-Ata.  The Dyad forbid them to fight, and say the group with the best present for them will  “win.”  That night, Kisare talks with Marut’s shadow and learns about the noble’s structure.  The next day, Belili finds and confronts Aricaba-Ata where he is hiding Hbelu.  She reveals Aricaba-Ata is her father.  He will not release Hbelu, but at least she knows he is alright.  At the second night of the festival, the Dyad reveal they have their own Asha-Urmana.  Aricaba-Ata introduces Hbelu, the sisters give the box to the Dyad, and Hbelu offers to interpret the marks of the gods on it.

Thanks for any comments!

[rdpulfer he/him]

- Good job bringing Bel's time with the worm master to the head of the story.

 

- I like the tension after Aricaba-Ata's attack. It really raises the stakes as the sisters' positions seems even more endangered, especially considering how injured Hbelu is.

 

- I like the idea that Mulberries give charisma. That's a cool twist.

 

- And again, a good job building suspense on the properties of the seeds.

 

- All and all, this was a really great start to the chapter. The only thing I would suggest is more sensory description, particularly in the action scenes. Don't just tell what happens - describe how it feels, smells and tastes, especially in scenes involving the Fruit. 

[Mandamon he/him]

Thanks for the feedback.

 

Sensory description, and description in general, if where I tend to fall short on the first draft.  I'll note to add more in here when I edit.

[Robinski he/him]

You've got my comments on SWN. I must admit I never felt the sisters were in any peril. Ata's attack was unexpected, but other than some light chiding from the Dyad, I never felt that Bel and Kisa were in any danger.

With the Mulberry thing, again, there were two or three references to someone trying to remember what Mulberries do which made me think I should know it, but I never did, did I? So that felt rather like a writerly device - ooh, she's struggling with this but she's not going to remember so you don't get to find out until the reveal.

Good stuff though, I was sooo, bumbed and the break in the chapter. Really did think though that Senior Silkworm would say the name of the tree up front, being eager to appear smart and knowledgable before the Dyad and in case someone else blurted it out before him.

Roll on nexxt week - where did I leave that Tardis?

[Mandamon he/him]

Yes, I feel I need to up the danger in the last section of the book.  I agree the sisters aren't really threatened.

 

Hopefully, if I clear up the magic beforehand, I can slip the Mulberry reference in, or gloss over it, so that it's still a bit of a mystery here.  

 

I left the name of the new Fruit out here just because it's not well known, but it does get named in the next bit (and you should be able to figure out what it is by the description and a google search).  But good catch on Marut's personality.  He might well blurt it out...