Reading Excuses - 2015/30/06 - The Green Ocean, Chapter One (Ambrose) - 3,100 words

[Majestic Fox]

Better late than never, eh? 

 

This is the first chapter of Ambrose - the other protagonist apart from Willow. Their chapters will alternate in the final book. 

 

Hope you enjoy. 

[Mandamon]

This was a good read, but almost completely different in tone and content from the other half of the story.  I don't even see any similarities in place names or cultures.  I feel like this could be happening on the other side of the world.

 

Similarly, there was very good character building on Ambrose.  I can tell exactly what sort of person he is and see why he makes the choices he does (good or bad).  However, this was almost to the exclusion of anything else, especially description.  We get a few place names, but nothing really on where the city is or what is happening directly around Ambrose.  

 

For example, what is the Mayfly?  Car?  Train? Fying contraption?  I don't think you say.

 

One comment while reading:

pg 5: "nodding jovially at the driver"

--this seems odd in relation to the bad news he just got and his general mood.

 

 

Overall, I liked this, and I'm interested to read more.  I just don't see how the two stories tie together at the moment.  The one with Willow seems like a YA fantasy/coming of age story, and the one with Ambrose is an adult Steampunk novel about progress vs. nature.  I'm probably a little skewed by reading 3 or 4 chapters of Willow before getting to Ambrose.  My reaction might have been a little different had I read just the first chapter and then this.

[Majestic Fox]

Haha, yes. I'm afraid it will continue to be a bit of a confusing mess for quite some time.

 

Thanks for the feedback Mandamon. 

[Robinski]

I had some issues with character actions in this chapter, but overall I enjoyed it once I had settled into the style. Ambrose was a bit frustrating in places (see above), but There is tension in him and he is striving for something, so that's good and makes him interesting to follow. In a way, I think it's refreshing that the Ambrose's mission is a commercial one. Most stories are about heroic endeavour, and we may end up in that territory down the line, but to have the stakes of the story at least in the beginning being commercial ones, albeit towards the furthering of society and protection from foreign influence, is more interesting than being at for with an evil empire.

As I note below, I'm not quite sure how this and the Willow thread fit together, which is part of the interest of course. The worlds are so different that they could be on different planets. I wondered if if was going to be clear if they are different continents or what, as it seems like Willow's world is almost post-apocalyptic, whereas Ambrose is like industrial revolution / Victorian era engineering revolution stuff - poles apart, I thought, but the juxtaposition of the two is very interesting.

My biggest issue, I think, is the meat seller scene, which I'm not sure does anything to advance the story. Local colour is all very well, but unless it's relevant later (and I struggle to see how), I'd be tempted to cut it, or certainly reduce it significantly.

No, sorry, my biggest problem was with Ambrose paying a huge amount of money to have someone find him a cab, I thought that was completely at odds with his situation. II just do not see how he could do that and, again, did not see the relevance of that short scene to the story.

Those are specific issues, but overall, good job. Enjoyed that a good deal. Keep it coming, please!

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pg1 - "slam his fist *into* the repulsive stuff" - I thought

pg2 - I didn't think you needed the 'Hmm...' to indicate thought. The thought is the next thing we get. I'm not sure people say 'hmm' unless they are being deliberately dramatic.

pg2 - Seems to me the list is in real time, so would better be 'One: The Chief Ministers *are* demanding...'

pg2 - I'm not sure how to pronounce 'ey'.

pg3 - I found the dialogue between Ambrose and Grant a bit awkward. Maybe that is what you were going for, but I think the feeling of the exchange can be awkward while still having dialogue that reads smoothly.

pg3 - I'm a bit confused about the cave mouth framing the city's depths. I thought as I read that he could see the expanse of the city in the distance from out of the cave mouth. But I don't understand how he can see its depths in the same way. Also, personally, not keen on the city making its own size abundantly clear. What can a city actively do to achieve that? It's a personal thing, I know anthropomorphism is popular in some parts. I just thought it read odd.

As I read on, I see that he can see the skyline - so I really don't get the 'depths' reference.

pg3 - I think clifftop is one word, and smoke-shrouded is better hyphenated. Sorry I also give this line edit style of comment. Tell me to can it on the line edits if it's annoying. I guess you're putting up first draft stuff now.

pg4 - Blake and Tomlin *Associates* - it's a company name. Talking of which, I'm enjoying the names in this part more than in the first part of the story. I guess there are fewer here to remember, but I also think that they are more memorable then the names in Willow's section (other than the 3 or 4 main characters in that part).

pg4 - Not sure why 'Mr' is abbreviated that one time. Also, failure to pay would be deferred to as default, I think, i.e defaulting on a loan. Furthermore, people not opening mail is, I think, a cliche. It seems to me it's often used to denote someone who's too carefree, living their life, or devoted to doing important scientific work that they are passionately obsessed with to waste time on the humdrum affairs of everyday life. Well, sorry, but (most of) the rest of us live up to our responsibilities!! Sorry, personal bugbear, don't know where you're going with it, but don't mind my shoulder-chip on that subject.

And it's not a negative on Ambrose (yet). I'm enjoying this section so far, quite formal and mannered, which I usually enjoy. A different feel to Willow's more naturalistic and earthy section - certainly rustic. I like that juxtaposition, and I will not take against Ambrose just for the mail thing - interested to find out what is at the root of it.

pg4 - *over-proud* - and lol, like the image.

pg5 - I thought he might nod jovially 'to' the driver.

pg5 - You say the funding 'had been necessary', this could imply it's no longer needed or it's all been spent, I know which I would guess. Also, we don't know what the Krovus is, do we? That would be useful early so that we know what he's building that needs funding. Then again, maybe that's me being the impatient reader and I'll just have to wait.

pg5 - 'that had almost *run* out'. Also, I would say 'another *source of* capital' or 'more capital'.

pg5 - 'the clock tower *and* Westfall *Station* (caps again for the name of the station).

pg5 - I take it the Mayfly is a train? I'm not sure you stated that specifically.

pg5 - Enjoyed the phrase 'nauseating mess of colour' - lol.

pg6 - I totally agree with Ambrose on the shortcomings of silk. I think the people would quickly abandon as being completely impractical.

pg6 - On the vendor, sickeningly overweight seems cliched. A lean vendor might lead to doubts about his product. Also, does the reader know at this point what the situation is geographically? The settings see very different, as noted above, which is fine, but my thinking is that they could be on different planets or in different dimensions at this, such are the differences in the two societies.

pg7 - I would say 'leisurely *pacing* pedestrians' in that form, as the statement sounds strange to me as is. Also, thinking that a neat vendor could go at that pace all day seems naive to me. I've got no experience in hospitality, but I think anyone could see that meal times would be busier. Further, nice local colour as it is, I'm not sure this aside does anything to advance the story.

pg7 - 'foulness from *his* fingers. Also, has he never heard of laundry? Absolutely no reason he can't use the hankie again. What does he do when he blows his nose? I think your hankie comment might alienate your female audience who, for the most part (at the perilous risk of offending female readers) do our (men's) washing.

pg7 - You've lost me on the lateness thing. Firstly, if Thomas hand't called him to a meeting, he'd still be up at the 'coalface' (my term), wouldn't he? Since no time was specified for the meeting, how can he be late? The description sounds like he's heading for a regularly schedule thing. Seems contradictory.

Also, running may be a sign of disorganisation, but so is being late, so he's going to fail either way by his terms. I'd rather be on time and sweating a bit than late, which I think is not only potentially disorganised, but also potentially rude - although as stated, I don't quite understand how it is he's late.

pg8 - I'm beginning to think Ambrose is an idiot. If he's tight for cash, how in the heck can he afford to give an urchin two months food (by modern standards, wild guess, £300-500 equivalent) to get a coach that he could find himself for nothing? Madness!

pg9 - 'Thomas *paced* over to the window'.

pg10 - I like the scene between Thomas and Ambrose. We get enough to know that Thomas is the one with the authority, and then we see him 'crumble' because of the strain he is under, showing doubt and weakness in front of his subordinate, which is never good! It's a well handled scene, I think, and gives real flavour to the industrial competitiveness within the burgeoning society, and how on the edge the Kovorus team is. What we don't really know at this point is what they are striving for, what is the end game, which would really help. Are they battling to save the city from some threat, or to expand into a new area? What are the stakes?

pg11 - 'need your advice *on*' is the correct form, I would say, or 'help with'.

pg11 - Ah, okay, we get the statement of the problem here, and I think the information was probably there for me to work it out if I had tried, lazy reading on my part!

pg12 - I like the description of the tavern. There's a really good industrial tone to the town, an almost Dickensian* feeling of industry and squalor *(not the writing, the atmosphere!). The passing of the note is good and mysterious, nicely setting up the next chapter.

pg13 - Is the pebble (liked it's introduction, made me smile - 'oh, it is a pebble' - lol), made of the same stuff that is closing the tunnels off? I just thought both were referred to as being black. If it is, Ambrose would have seen it right away, I'm sure. So I have to presume it's not, but they do sound the same. I don't think it's something he would miss, although he is very tired. Hmm...

pg13 - I would do a little research on drilling rock. It's not about 'pressure', but about your cutting tool. Drills can grind away all day, but if you edge isn't cutting, you can forget it. I think you'll find Mandamon probably has some good comment to offer on this, as I think it might be close to his field(?). It's close to mine too, I'm a Civil Engineer (but I don't do tunnelling). I'd suggest looking in modern TBM's (tunnel boring machines) and how they work and cut. You'll find any number of references to projects around the world, currently London Crossrail, Ireland a couple of years ago and I think Chicago dug a new metro line a few years back.

pg13 - 'Answers would come *easily*.'

[Robinski]

Interesting to read Mandamon's comments, as always. My reaction did not go as far as the YA vs. Steampunk thing. The constrast is certainly stark, but I think that works as a stark contrast within a single novel. We agree (it's getting boring now ) on the lack of connection, and I do think that's something you need. Reassure the reader that these things are taking place in the same world, or rather tell the reader somehow that these two threads WILL BE connected down the line.

I think if you build that expectationm make that promise to the reader, it can be a really intriguing and tension building issue throughout the story, probably even the central theme, when will these two worlds colide?

[Majestic Fox]

Wow - another epic response Robinski. Lots of insightful comments there. Thanks a lot, to Mandamon as well. 

[Robinski]

You're welcome. It's a pleasure to read - look forward to the next installment.