20150622 - Robinski - The Mathematical Bridge - Submission 12 - 3597 words

[Robinski]

Here is Chapter 10 (of 14) of The Mathematical Bridge.

 

Previously, Judith pondered the attack on her by the woman standing on the bridge. Blacklake came to a decision and acted on it, finding Judith at him and meeting her brother. After a somewhat uncomfortable discussion between the three, Judith and Blacklake were left alone. He finally made a declaration of his feelings for her, although she had to prompt him to do it. They ended in an embrace, with Blacklake making an apology that Judith did not understand.

 

Thanks for reading. Cheers, Robinski

Edited June 22, 2015 by Robinski

[rdpulfer]

First off, I'm sorry I missed your last submission. I've been busy adjusting to new hours, taking a writing class and writing something new, and it's only left a little time for reading submissions (which is definitely reflected in my critiques.) So without further ado . . .

 

- The opening is a little bit confusing since Tarquin's victim is a man and Blacklake is occasionally referred to as the man. Maybe it might be a good idea to give the victim a name, to make it more personal? .

 

- You mentioned Tarquin had experience with some of the western hemisphere's greatest thinkers . . . like who? It also might help give context when Tarquin psycho-analyzes Blacklake.

 

- There is too much tell and not enough show in this chapter. I know a lot of it is a flashback, but you might try picking a few good images of Blacklake's time with Tarquin to nail the scene down.

 

- I like that Tarquin notes that Sabine wants Blacklake to come with her on his own free will, but she was the one who pushed him away with her actions in their previous "relationship".

 

- I liked the closing scene with Judith and Blacklake as well. I'm anxious to see what happens next. 

[Mandamon]

Intersting insight into Blacklake.  On the one hand, I like that it's Tarquin's pragmatic view that we get, but on the other hand, it's once again 5 pages of thinking.  I'll agree with rdpulfer that I'd be interested in who Tarquin learned from.

 

pg 5: "Tarquin sighed"

this drew me out because Tarquin has been thinking about Blacklake, in a white room setting (or at least not described in 5 pages) and suddenly  you draw attention to his actions and movements.

 

pg 8: "great bought of conscience"

--bout?

 

pg 12: Somewhat anticlimatic that Blacklake telling Judith about his powers happens "offscreen."

 

Not too much to say about this section.  It read easily and kept my attention.  I generally enjoy Tarquin's sections, despite the standard complaint that a lot of the story is people standing around thinking.  This had a good description of the difference in power between Tarquin and Blacklake, making me wonder how old Tarquin is.  Aside from that, this section seems to be mainly setup for what comes next.  I'm wondering what Judth's chances of survival are at this point.

[Robinski]

Thank you RDP for those comments, very useful to make think about the chapter through fresh eyes.

Totally accept your comment about the relative amounts of showing and telling. I was conscious on submitting that it was another submission of flash backs and memories. It's something I've been stuck in for large parts of this story, certainly the first part and quite a bit in the second. For example, why do I give Blacklake's account of his walk with Judith as a flashback instead of it happening in real time? Well, in part I think I was trying to show his current state of mind post discussion, so the reader knows how it turns out. But why is that necesary? I don't know. I think there is something about linearity that I shy away from, or did when writing this story.

Anyway, thanks for the comment, they will certainly frame my thinking when I come to an edit of this story.

[Robinski]

Thank you Mandamon, straight to the heart of it, as usual. I'm afraid that people standing around thinking is a big part of this story, as you have already gathered, but hopefully we are coming out of that into more active sections in the final third.

bout - yes, oops, thanks

offscreen magic reveal - Yes, I agree. I will at least try writing a reveal. It will be a challenge if nothing else to describe the magic that Blacklake has, and interesting to see how he characterises it - and how I do!

Thanks again, much appreciate.