April 15th - akoebel - Shrouds Chapter 1

[akoebel]

Hi,

 

This is the first chapter from my second novel SHROUDS (2nd draft).

SHROUDS is an adult fantasy mystery with lots of dead bodies and other occasional adult themes.

 

In this first chapter, I'm introducing the magic system and two main characters : Mahau and Arlon. 

 

I am primarily interested in comments about worldbuilding and characters, not so much about grammar for now, but really any comment is helpful.

 

I hope you'll enjoy it.

[Mandamon]

I do like this.  It's an interesting setup with an interesting concept: Gods are corporeal body, and can make it so humans can't notice them. And Mahau at least was once human too.  I'm interested in what Mahau is and how he got there.

Arlon's part is a bit explain-y.  I get the feeling of a villain monologueing how he has been wronged and now has to right it in his favor.

I like the description of the gods and how they are among humans.  It's a good switch which gives some interesting new prospects for the priests.

The writing in the first part with Mahau seems more consistent than with Arlon, maybe because there isn't any dialogue.  That part comes across a little stiff.  There's more telling than showing.  You've got a good idea, but I would work on the dialogue more to give more personality to Arlon and Belis.  Even (especially?) for gods, they seem shallow.

Overall, I'm interested to see more.  I have a weakness for stories with mythology or gods, so I'd like to see more about the gods' personalities and powers.

[akoebel]

Thanks Mandamon,

 

In fact, I asked myself the same questions while I was revising. Arlon's explanations to Forys do sound a lot like a villain telling his plan.

What convinced me to leave it as it was is that it is completely in character.

 

In fact, I modeled Arlon after an historical character. The sort of larger than life man who loved things to be theatrical and makes big speeches. He would completely had told his plan in this way, so I only smoothed it out and left it there.

 

Maybe I should remove it, I'm still unsure. 

[AdolinsGirloftheWeek]

I loved this! sorry it took me so long to read :/ But anyways, I especially loved the beginning scene. It was an interesting way to introduce the world and the magic system, and I was intrigued by Mahau's character right off that bat. Giving him a legit moral dilema right off the bat gave us a lot about him.

 

I think my biggest problem with Arlon's part is that I just didn't care as much as I did in the first part of the chapter. Maybe better to hold off on the scene until we feel more for those whose lives will be affected by Arlon's plan, or make Arlon a little more sympathetic of a character to the audience.

[akoebel]

Thanks Adolin.

 

I'll agree that the two scenes are wildly different in tones - which reflects the characters in those scenes.

 

One of my problems with this novel is that Arlon is in some sense too sympathetic, as my alpha readers pointed out - but they knew who I modeled him after, so their reaction might have been biased.

I'm interested to know what you will think about his character arc, given the fact that you don't see him as that sympathetic yet.

[cetriya]

As I'm new to writing, I can only comment as a reader. 

 

Mahau's part was intriguing and gave a very noir feel. I do like how you described his powers and how he see's the world but some of it was too much and slowed down the reading. Though it feeling can just be my preference and if you did it deliberately then its ok. If this was ment to have more tension, then each time you gave a bit of back info (like who and why wanted this women killed, and how she should be killed, and why this was significante since the reader won't see this husband) it takes me out of the moment.

 

Arlon and Forys reads a lot like typical disney villans, the bostras bad guy and his reluctant minon. The plan is generic but thats not problem since its still an effective plan, its how you go about it. Having Arlon just walk in and scoop up the scene like that makes the story feel comical. If this was intentional then I can see how this will be interesting when Arlon and Mahau cross paths. Other wise, I feel that Peacok's reaction doesn't make sense. He has power, survived a horrible trail yet he doesn't just dismis Arlon? It doesn't have to be a violent dismissal but at least an eye roll? 

 

This chapter didn't end on anything enticing, it just stopped. I feel (just a feeling) that we should have read more of Mahau's pov of the world and then end chapter. 

[Syme]

I agree with the others for the most part. The first part was intriguing and had a thick atmosphere and the introduction to the magic system was well done.

 

The second part had a very Disney Villain feel to it. I very much enjoy a good villain protagonist, but at least in this first chapter I found nothing at all likeable about Arlon.

 

On a technical note, you should watch where you put thoughts during dialogue scenes. If at all possible, you should have the POV characters thoughts in the same paragraph as his speech (or in a paragraph of its own if its a longer train of thought). So for instance the following is problematic:

 

‘Somehow, it's hard for me to imagine that all the slander wasn't personal. It felt personal to me!’ Belis said. Couldn’t the man stop whining for three minutes?

Here it's better to move that last sentence to the next paragraph. As it is, it gives off the impression that this is Belis's thought, not Arlon's.

 

Overall I think this is an intriguing start, so this works quite well as a first chapter.

[akoebel]

Thanks Syme.

 

Interesting comment about thoughts placement.