20150615 - The Mathematical Bridge - Submission 11 - 4739 words

[Robinski]

Chapter 9 of 14, Unbeknown to Blacklake, Judith had an episode while out on her lunch break that she believe was an attack by a mysterious blonde woman. It is put down as a fainting spell and she is sent home to recover.

 

Meanwhile, Blacklake had reluctantly agreed to meet with Judith to try and wind out her motives. He joined her at a reception in Queens College and met an engineering lecturer called Malcolm Watt before an exchange with Sabine that lead to him agreeing to spend the night with her.

 

Comments much appreciated. Thank you for reading on.

Edited June 17, 2015 by Robinski

[Mandamon]

Some comments first:

 

pg 1: "looked after the place in the after the place '

word doubling

 

I forgot Jack was her brother at first.  He hasn't been around in a while

 

pg 2: "she should take the rest of the week to recover, but that she should do so on Saturday please."

--not sure what this means.

 

pg 3: "To stand on the Mathematical Bridge "

--well, we finally have the title of the story, but it's just dropped in there.  I don't get the significance of the name.

 

pg 3: why would she think the woman was an artist?

 

pg 5: you say it's a stretch for her to think the woman is connected to Blacklake, but I still don't really believe the leap in logic.

 

and thus ends 5 pages of Judith thinking...

 

pg 10: I like that you note the difference between Blacklake past and present with regard to reading Jack's thoughts.

 

pg 10: "weaken his defence against Judith, who could wake at any moment, or in hours."

--Sabine, I assume.

 

 

So Blacklake finally makes a choice.  I'm interested to see what happens because of this.  I assume he will be tested against both Sabine and Tarquin, so that should prove interesting.

 

The main problem I have here is I just don't get the chemistry between Judith and Blacklake.  I'm not sure why, but for some reason I just don't buy it.  All the scenes with Blacklake and Sabine work a lot better than the ones with Judith.  I can't really give you any good reasons, but that may be for the best, as I shouldn't be suggesting things anyway...

[Robinski]

Many thanks Mandamon - reaction as follows:

 

Some typos - noted, thanks.

 

pg.2 - confused, reword required;

pg.3 - The Anticlimactic Bridge - yes, I'll accept that, need to punch up a bit;

pg.3 - artist link = tenuous, agreed, my bad;

pg.5 - weakness in linking to Blacklake - I can't refute that, I will need to fix it;

pg.10 - yes, Sabine - oops

 

I like to see what you are anticipating, that's very useful - thanks.

 

Hmm, yes okay, lack of conviction in the 'central' relationship. I'll see how others react before commenting on that, I think.

 

Many thanks indeed, good comments.

[Majestic Fox]

 

The writing is good, for the most part. There are some moments where you've written in the obvious (vapour coming from the hot water), or lost the flowing elegance that keeps me in the story (Because of the time of day, she was alone. Maggie was not there.) But the chapter as a whole was compelling.

 

Here's my unfiltered moment by moment thought process. 

 

Judith in the bath, this scene is evocative and intimate, but became a bit flat and retrospective when you slipped into a lengthy telling of what happened and how this Jack guy responded... I lost interest then, until page 3 where she begins describing the thing Sabine did to her. That bit was good, but I felt like she should have reflected on the intent of Sabine before trying to suss out who she might be... something in the way she looked at her perhaps. And a little more on how it felt being under this spell, and how she feels now, reflecting on it in the bath. Personally, I'd be wondering why the f*ck someone would have done that to me. Then I'd be plotting defense tactics, then revenge, but that's just me. Thinking about it, she seems completely at peace with being a sitting duck. This makes me think less of her. Where's her fire? Why is she taking this lying down?

 

The removed pondering far outweighs her emotional reaction. I feel like should be balance, and that her thoughts should flow from her emotions. 

 

The point of view does not feel all that strong. In fact it's pretty similar to Blacklake. You're writing third limited aren't you? I want to experience things through the specific lens of Judith as a person. 

 

Pg 4 - Why is she pondering the fruit delivery man after she's been through this harrowing and far more interesting experience with Sabine? 

Ah, thoughts of her ordeal have returned. Excellent. Her reverie has darkened  : )

 

Judith was amazed that she was dwelling first on the personal aspect, completely accepting the woman’s ability to control her. 

Haha - looks like me and Judith had the same thought. 

 

 

It was like a slap in the face. Could the woman be connected to Blacklake? 

 

Okay. So the previous tangential pondering on Blacklake and the fruit delivery man was, I'm guessing, to support this revelation. It feels a bit contrived in this case. If you've layered in subtle clues to link her to Blacklake earlier in the story, then there would be nothing wrong with this revelation surging up from her subconscious, coming to her seemingly out of the blue. I really think though, the way to get there is through her emotional reaction to Sabine e.g. she's scared and angry that someone would do this to her which motivates her to recollect what happened in as much detail as possible, which leads her to the subtle thing you've layered in that connects her to Blacklake. 

 

 

Her heart sank. What if the woman was his wife, his fiancée? Perhaps the woman’s grievance with her was entirely justified. 

No, Judith! You don't have to be a sitting duck! 

Sabine struck me as a powerful and dangerous creature. Judith's reaction here diminishes that. Why isn't she terrified?

 

This was a quandary....(etc)

Too much telling.

 

Surely asking these questions of Blacklake could only be worthwhile if she was willing to accept more from him than criticism of her painting. 

I must be missing something. There must be a good reason why she's isn't more concerned about her own safety. 

 

Judith took a deep breath and let her head slip below the surface of the water. She heard strange echoes of water running and blood rushing around her head. 

This is more like it. 

 

Maggie’s sister was standing there, leaning against the door jam with a cigarette between her lips, bedecked in a flowery pinny from which she brushed ash from the folds and she shook her head.

Wow. It feels so wonderful to be back in the present with Judith. A breath of fresh air. 

Oh.. it's ended.

 

 

Pg 6 - Blacklake looking for Judith engaged my attention immediately. I like how you've not wasted any time in connecting their stories. 

 

Pg 7 - My picture of Sabine continues to transform. Docile, you say. Self pitying. She's losing the power she had for me. These other dimensions are skirted over and stated in the most straight forward way, so they're not engaging me or adding dimension to her.

 

Pg 7 - Too much removed telling in the guise of Blacklake pondering. This disengages me. 

 

Pg 8 - Ah, we're in the present. Blacklake's knocking on a door. There is dialogue. This is interesting. 

 

His concern for Judith and the unexpected obstacle to his seeing her caused a stress in Blacklake that his resolve was not prepared for. His discomfort showed in the length of pause before his answer, causing the man to become increasingly suspicious. Blacklake did have an answer however. 

This is good but needs to be more concise. 

 

‘She asked me to comment on her artwork. I have some more comments that I hope Judith will be interested to hear.’ 

First sentence alone would be more powerful. Second one is repetitious and dilutes the conflict. 

 

 

‘Jack. I’ll speak to him.’

I'm engaged. I want to know what's going to happen next.

 

Hm - Judith feels like a much more distinctive character now she's speaking. 

 

This last was clearly a pointer for the young man to mind his Ps-and-Qs. 

So clear, in fact, that you don't need to mention it.

 

It was important, he knew it and he refrained. 

It would be funny if he went on to contradict himself shortly afterwards. 

Also stopping at the end of this sentence would give you back a little more pace.  The sentence that follows (and I know you mean Sabine, not Judith) kind of dilutes it. One reason is more powerful than two. But what you're saying about Sabine here is interesting. Can you weave it in earlier?

Seems like a missed opportunity for him not to sneak a little glimpse at Jack's thoughts. You could do something really interesting with that. 

 

Pg 11 - This is not the time to pull back the authorial distance. Slipping into telling here pulled me out of the story. All this should be left in the subtext.

 

Pg 12 - Please drink your tea and leave before nine.’

Wow that's extremely direct, to the point of inviting a fight. I'm disappointed in Blacklake - he just accepts it. 

 

P 13/14 - I really like how you've left the choice he makes between Sabine and Judith in the subtext. This is good writing. This climax rushes up pretty quickly though. Feels like a slow build up of intimacy between them would make it feel more natural, perhaps with Sabine knocking on the doors of his mind.

 

Pg 14 - How could she know when the spectre of the woman on the bridge still hung over her thoughts? 

This is an awesome sentence. It encapsulates how I imagined she would feel about it. This is the feeling that I felt needed to come out stronger in her first scene. 

 

But I'm a little confused about the choice Blacklake made now. I thought that by shifting the conversation to the exhibtion, instead of choosing Judith in a more direct, open way (like the build up to it pre-empted) was implying he had chose Sabine.

 

‘There was a woman on the bridge at Queens’, her words were snapped at him, the shawl fallen from her shoulders, ‘Do you know her?’

 

Excellent. This is dramatic.

 

However, the quick switching of POV has slowed the pace and taken me out of the story a little. 

 

Pg 14/15 - The pace is good here. You're letting the dialogue flow. 

 

His speech was good, but felt like it either needed distilling, or breaking up with an mannerism or something.

 

 

This was the best chapter I've read of yours so far. It's dramatic. Stuff happens. And it's well written. I think the main problem is that your pyramid of abstraction is inverted, with removed pondering about the past dominating the story and slowing the pace. I ended up skimming those parts to get to the good bits, which was everything else. 

 

 

[Robinski]

Excellent point on Judith's reaction - I will need to fix that. I know she quesitons her reaction, but you've made some good points there.

pg 7 - What I haven't driven home is that these aspects of Sabine's character are uncharacteristic, and Blacklake doesn't recognise them. They are throwing him for a loop. 'Docile' is not what I was going for. That's not a word that should be coming into the frmae here.

pg 8 - Good style points on the interaction between Rutland and Jack, both accepted.

Lol - there I go telling after showing - thanks for the catch. I might tweak it, 'cause I like the phrase P's and Q's.

pg 14 - I hear you, that first scene will come under the knife. I'm very pleased with the intimacy of at and agree that I then proceed to blow it with weak exposition from Judith.

I'm glad that you enjoyed the chapter overall. Your comments about the character reactions and how you feel about them are very valuable. Your pyramid of abstraction comment is excellent. I enjoyed reading it if nothing else, but it sets a challenge for me in the edit.

That you take away an impression of action and development (to some extent) is good of course, that has to be where I am at this point in the story or I've really dropped the ball.

Thank you.

[Majestic Fox]

You're welcome. 

 

In each chapter I've read there is quality writing. If you bring the whole story up to that standard then you'll have a good novel.