20130304 - Mandamon - The Seeds of Dissolution - Sam POV rewrite Ch6-9

[Mandamon]

After reading comments on how Sam's agoraphobia was not working in the book, I found myself unable to write more until I went back and edited those parts. So here is all of chapter 6, 7, and about half of chapters 8 and 9. It is a long selection, about 10000 words. Feel free to skim through to places you thought didn't work before.

This also includes the new section (ch 8) where Rilan places a block in Sam's mind.

I think I've gotten a lot more of what Sam should be feeling, both in being thrust out of his home, and in seeing alien species for the first time. Let me know how I've done...

[cnr87]

I really think this version is a lot better. Sam's character seems a lot more developed, and he reacts in a much more believable way to the stuff he is facing. I also liked the added scene where Rilan adds the block to his mind. And the scene where they are using the starmap is much more believable as well.

Great job! Sorry it took so long to get back to you!

[yankorro]

Hi there!

I think from a character standpoint and suspension-of-disbelief standpoint, the additions of Sam's interior monologue makes more sense than they did without.

I'd like to comment on some nuts-and-bolts things about the interior monologue though, because I notice one thing where you go back and forth: at times you present it in first person with italics, and at others, in third. I greatly prefer the latter. For example, the end of chapter six worked great for me:

>>"Would he need to remember this location? Or would he be able to open another portal himself, later, somewhere else?" etc., etc.

This is unobtrusive, doesn't call attention to itself, and has a nice, natural flow.

In other instances, we get first person, italics. This is just an opinion, but I think this use of italics is best reserved for very short insertions. Otherwise it can become distracting and hard on the eyes.

In some instances it works really well. Like when he tells himself, "Stand up." Or he reminds himself. "I'm inside." or "I'm still inside." Or "That way was outside." In fact, you might consider only italicizing these short, specific references to 'inside' and 'outside', as a simple, punchy way of playing up his feelings about it, and as an economical way to tie his reactions into the action (if that makes sense).

In other spots I would drop the italics and put it in 3rd person. We're closely enough related to the viewpoint character that it's not necessary to go even further into POV. Plus the implicit change from past tense narration to present tense interior-monologue bounces the reader around a lot.

>>"And back inside the comfort of my own house." ('of his own house' instead)

or

>>"It’s almost like being inside, he told himself. You can’t even see the sky—it can’t come down on you"

(Maybe do this as reported monologue. 'He told himself it was almost like being inside.')

>>"Even though you did it before, a little voice nagged in his head." (maybe just 'Even though he'd done it before.')

>>"Jesus. I couldn’t even step on my front lawn for ten years. Now I’m adrift thousands of lightyears from anything."

(He could even, etc.)

I hope my comments here are as helpful as yours have been for me

Looking forward to more ~nmw

[Mandamon]

cnr87: Thanks for the comments! Glad you liked this version better.

nm whitley: Thanks to you as well. That's something I hadn't really thought about before. I'll go back and look when I was using 3rd or 1st. Now that I am thinking about it, I've been using italics when I wanted to make the thought sharper to the reader, as in it's something Sam feels strongly. The third person is more when I need narration from inside his head. It feels passive to me.

At any rate, I'll keep a closer eye on this as I write further.

[AubreyWrites]

i like this version much better.

Sam's agoraphobia is so much more believable as is Rilan's block in his mind. I wonder- can he feel the block? like if he starts to panic it just all of a sudden puts a check on him or is he just completely numb to it? Just an idle question.

I still think any normal person would freak out a little more physically in the beginning.(i.e. backing up into the wall to get away, jerking back in fear...ect) upon the realization that the person they're with isn't human. It's a natural automatic reaction to recoil from the strange and unfamiliar.

I also like the additional dialogue around the star map. Sam acts just like an average american with limited astrology experience. Very believable. I like it because he's actually trying to offer the most useful information possible. He's not stupid- just has inadequate info. It adds to the depth of the story-making your characters smart but not good enough.

[Mandamon]

Sam's agoraphobia is so much more believable as is Rilan's block in his mind. I wonder- can he feel the block? like if he starts to panic it just all of a sudden puts a check on him or is he just completely numb to it? Just an idle question.

Hadn't thought of that, but I may steal the idea!

Thanks for your input on the other parts. I'll try to get more of that physicality on the re-edit. Right now, I've got to push myself to write more--I've gotten behind over the last few weeks.

[cjhuitt]

I addressed some of this in the comments I added for the appropriate chapters.  I'd also like to add my kudos for an edit well-done.

 

My biggest item of feedback remaining is to maybe go a bit further with the descriptions (just a touch).  This is Sam's first visit to the places he's seeing, and so his perceptions should be fresh and immediate, and thus better able to connect to the reader.  Also, I've mentioned this before, but most of the description is visual, with a little bit of touch/feel (warmer, etc.).  Sounds should factor in even beyond the Magic Melody, and scents always leave a strong impression, especially when they suddenly change greatly.