Dec 31 - Halcyon - The Vault of Stars - Part 1 (V)

[Halcyon]

Hi all,

Here is something that started out as a short story in my head, but it decided it wanted to be something more like a novella as I was outlining and I didn't want to argue, so I'll be splitting it into 3 parts. Here is part 1. I wish you all the best on this last day of the year and all the best in the one to come. Cheers!

[Syme]

I'd love to review it, but I never got any mail from you. Are you sure you sent it?

[Halcyon]

Thanks Syme, I sent it about 3 hours ago. Maybe I'll resend just in case.

[Syme]

I still didn't get anything. However, I also didn't get the email from my own submission, so it's unlikely that the problem is on your end. Did you get the mail for my submission? If yes, the problem is probably with the email list. If not, it's most likely on my own end.

[cjhuitt he/him]

I thought I didn't get the first one, but it appears the email was automatically filtered into my spam box... with no attachment. I don't know if the attachment was automatically stripped or not.

Anyway, I got the second email and then found the first, and here are some of the things I thought about and noticed:

I liked the introduction to the story, and the idea that there are actual creatures that the farmers are leaving sacrifices for. On the other hand, the intro from Arrick's point of view actually had me suspicions that he was in fact a spirit, and unable to affect the natural world. This started off by how he was able to move through the forest without disturbing anything, and continued when he was in the trees and feeling things from the trees he was in. Thus, when he smiled and dislodged lichens, and even more when he dug a hole for the sacrifice, I was a little surprised by his actual physicality.

When he attacked the woodcutter, I was surprised he bashed the man against the tree outside, given all the effort he had expended earlier in not leaving a trace. It seemed a bit out of character from what he had done previously, though rage may explain some of it.

I did like the use of the dead woman's body as a type of sacrifice to the trees also.

When the POV switched to the boy (Oddleif), I was thrown for a bit of a loop, since I had gotten far enough into Arrick's POV to expect that also. The passage of time that later became evident didn't help much either. The contrast between the graceful movements of Arrick and the clumsy ones of Oddleif also made the disconnect worse, although I think you probably want to keep the latter.

I don't know what to suggest to smooth the transition, except possibly a cutaway from omniscient ("years pass..." sort of thing). You might see if some of Oddleif's thoughts could convey the passage of time, though it would be difficult to do so right away and still have action. One other possibility would be to enhance the connection between the babe's behavior and Oddleif's behavior right at that transition, which may do enough to connect the two that the passage of time becomes fairly obvious.

All of that assumes, of course, that you want to allow the reader to make that association so soon, but as I was reading the story this POV switch was the most jarring part of the story, and the part at which I would most likely have been tempted to set down the story and go do something else, and who knows if I would pick it up later?

One small typo that I noticed: "Suddenly she looked up as if sensing she was bing watched."

Ada talking about Oddleif having pointed ears was interesting also, and makes me somewhat question my decision that this was the boy Arrick saved.

It was a little odd not to get Oddleif's name until so far into the story, but not incredibly disconcerting. I'm not sure if there's a particular reason you hold it back, but I don't know if it's necessary.

Then this section ended, at a reasonable spot for a short story, but it was obviously incomplete, and I'm looking forward to the next part.

[Syme]

So for some mysterious reason the emails got sent to one of my other email-addresses, but the important thing is that I actually got them.

I'm not a fan of the setting on this one. I don't like the whole atuned with nature thing and living in harmony and all that, beacause I find it quite unrealistic. Nature and harmony really don't go well together since nature for the most part is a ruthless fight for survival. But that's of course only my personal opinion and does not mean that your setting is bad in any objective sense.

I like Arrick as a character and Oddleif seems good as well from what little we've seen so far.

The prose is good overall, the only thing I noticed is that I think you went a bit overboard on the adjectives and adverbs in the beginning of the story.

A problem I see with this piece is that it is quite low on conflict. The opening scene doesn't have any. Then we have the scene at the woodcutter's house, which does have plenty of conflict but it is resolved right away. Then we have vague hints of conflict with the consequences that Oddleif being seen might have, but I still feel that it's not enough.

The things that confused cjhutt didn't bother me, I never thought of Arrick as a ghost and I immediately assumed that the new POV would be the baby that Arrick rescued.

However, I did also notice that you named Oddleif very late in the story, which is probably a bad idea unless you have some specific purpose for it.

I've noticed you wrote "your" twice in places where it should have been "you're". That's something that always sticks out like a sore thumb to me

[Halcyon]

Thanks for the comments cjhuitt. It never occured to me that you'd see Arrick as non-corporeal but I'm glad you mentioned it. It's an easy fix. After reading your and Syme's comments, I think the easiest fix is to cut the first scene and add a bit to the second scene. This will, I think, help reducing the jarring effect of switching POV's and also address the lack of conflict the Syme mentions right off the bat. I'm going to keep the scene on hand as I might use it later in the story. I'll also see if I can make the passage of time more apparent without being too obvious. Thanks again!

[Halcyon]

@Syme

I'm not a fan of the setting on this one. I don't like the whole atuned with nature thing and living in harmony and all that, beacause I find it quite unrealistic. Nature and harmony really don't go well together since nature for the most part is a ruthless fight for survival.

While this is more of a personal preference, I'm glad you mentioned it because it was never my intent for it to be seen as an 'in harmony with nature' piece. Rather Arrick is as much 'nature' as anything else, trees, storms, etc. So I'll just have to make that more apparent.

A problem I see with this piece is that it is quite low on conflict. The opening scene doesn't have any.

This is a good point and I struggled with this as I was writing. As I mentioned to cjhuitt, I'm going to cut the first scene and save it for later on, so the scene at the woodcutter's house becomes the first scene.

Thanks for your comments!

[Mandamon he/him]

I think everyone else covered the pertinent facts. the first part was conflict-light, which you already said you were fixing. I also agree Oddleif's name comes in a bit late.

To contrast with Syme and Cjhuitt:

I didn't imagine Arrick as anything but corporeal, as you mention how he took care not to disturb anything. I got the impression he was a naturalistic being. I was actually imagining something like a cross between an Ent and an Elf. I didn't have any problem switching POV's later in the story, and I assumed Oddleif was the same baby that was rescued. I also didn't have any problem with Arrick suddenly becoming very violent and killing the woodcutter. Maybe I've read too many Fey stories, but I'm comfortable with those types of characters having a different set of morals than us (especially with respect to giving and taking lives). Maybe it would help to make that clearer, if that's your intention.

The one part I had a little problem with was size. I originally envisioned Arrick as smallish, but then you say he's huge compared to the farmer, and can pick him up like a doll. My first thought was, "how did he get in the door?" I don't think you say if he had to duck or bend double to get in the house. But also, if he's that big, and can lift a heavy man, there's got to be a certain amount of mass there. For him to also run through treebranches without disturbing anything would be difficult. Yes, he might be nimble, but sheer weight is going to bend or break branches. Such a massive thing would also be easier to see. Maybe the answer is incorporated into your worldbuidling, but unless you say something about it early on, readers will have questions.

I was also intrigued by Oddleif having pointed ears and other shadow-walker characteristics. So do humans get kidnapped and transformed into shadow-hunters? I got the impression he was developmentally behind the other shadow-walker children, so was he stunted from being a human where the others were naturally born shadow-hunters, or is he just slow? You might answer these questions later on, and I don't think it's something that has to be addressed now, but I wanted to give feedback that they did occurr to me.

Good story overall, and I think it would make a good novella.

[Halcyon]

Thanks for your critique Mandamon, I'm glad you liked it. You're description of Arrick as something between an Ent and an Elf is interesting because he is actually a troll but I had Ents in my head when I was designing him. You make a very good point about size. I hadn't considered the door aspect but I'll need to fix that. I'll also add some more to the worldbuilding and character description as you suggest, I think it will help to make things clearer.

I was also intrigued by Oddleif having pointed ears and other shadow-walker characteristics. So do humans get kidnapped and transformed into shadow-hunters? I got the impression he was developmentally behind the other shadow-walker children, so was he stunted from being a human where the others were naturally born shadow-hunters, or is he just slow? You might answer these questions later on, and I don't think it's something that has to be addressed now, but I wanted to give feedback that they did occurr to me.

All good questions and I'm glad this is what your speculating. It will be addressed later but I'm glad you're thinking about it now.