Trans Hangout Thread

[Hmmm lies she/her]

11 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

So... I'm probably gonna be waiting a few months for HRT... because I guess I'm still not sure about everything. So, yeah

edit: and I'm kinda just resigned to it, idk. But I'm just doubting if I actually want or need HRT, yk?

Wanting HRT is enough to get HRT. If you want the changes, you deserve the changes.

Feel free to talk about it more if you wanna try and figure out what you want more

 

On a related note, I just got my HRT dosage doubled!

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

8 minutes ago, Hmmm lies said:

Wanting HRT is enough to get HRT. If you want the changes, you deserve the changes.

Feel free to talk about it more if you wanna try and figure out what you want more

 

On a related note, I just got my HRT dosage doubled!

Well, the people who'd be giving me HRT want me to be clear and certain and stuff. And now idk if I am.

Like I think the main thing I want is the mental/mood changes that will hopefully happen. Like is that valid? I mean for the physical changes I want all of them too, but I guess I don't feel like I want them as much as mental stuff. Maybe I'm just depressed (cough i kinda am but I digress) and want smth to help me (dw). But like I guess the main physical change I want is breast growth, but even then I'm... like it'd probably be nice to have that but - aside from taking a long time - idk...

It'd be nice when I wear shirts I think (with no hoodie/jacket, or open-fronted. Cuz certain clothes just look weird without... yk.

And like with the whole fat distribution thing, I'm not against it and it'd be good but idk it's like a bonus not the main thing?

Like for me the main stuff are probably mental and breasts, then the rest is stuff that I'd also love, but are more extra?

idk wtvr

—

yay congrats! Does it feel different right away?

 

edit: also, I've kinda always had trouble expressing (or knowing) what I think and feel.. so yeah

Edited March 19 by Through The Living Girl

[Hmmm lies she/her]

20 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

Well, the people who'd be giving me HRT want me to be clear and certain and stuff. And now idk if I am.

Like I think the main thing I want is the mental/mood changes that will hopefully happen. Like is that valid? I mean for the physical changes I want all of them too, but I guess I don't feel like I want them as much as mental stuff. Maybe I'm just depressed (cough i kinda am but I digress) and want smth to help me (dw). But like I guess the main physical change I want is breast growth, but even then I'm... like it'd probably be nice to have that but - aside from taking a long time - idk...

It'd be nice when I wear shirts I think (with no hoodie/jacket, or open-fronted. Cuz certain clothes just look weird without... yk.

And like with the whole fat distribution thing, I'm not against it and it'd be good but idk it's like a bonus not the main thing?

Like for me the main stuff are probably mental and breasts, then the rest is stuff that I'd also love, but are more extra?

idk wtvr

To me, this sounds like you're stressing over whether or not you're "trans enough" and I've seen this a lot. But don't stress so much over it. You said that you want these changes, even if it's not so much, and mental changes are definitely a valid reason for taking HRT. 

22 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

yay congrats! Does it feel different right away?

Nah, that takes time, but I'll update if anything cool happens.

22 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

edit: also, I've kinda always had trouble expressing (or knowing) what I think and feel.. so yeah

Understandable, but I think you did a good job in this post.

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

23 minutes ago, Hmmm lies said:

To me, this sounds like you're stressing over whether or not you're "trans enough" and I've seen this a lot. But don't stress so much over it. You said that you want these changes, even if it's not so much, and mental changes are definitely a valid reason for taking HRT. 

Nah, that takes time, but I'll update if anything cool happens.

Understandable, but I think you did a good job in this post.

ok I'm gotta go but I'll quickly say yes I'm struggling eith trans enough i think

and

uhh

yeah

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

On 3/19/2026 at 10:37 AM, Hmmm lies said:

To me, this sounds like you're stressing over whether or not you're "trans enough" and I've seen this a lot. But don't stress so much over it. You said that you want these changes, even if it's not so much, and mental changes are definitely a valid reason for taking HRT. 

Nah, that takes time, but I'll update if anything cool happens.

Understandable, but I think you did a good job in this post.

Oh sorry I forgot about this.

I think it kinda helps because I've been thinking of how I basically wanted to be a girl years ago so yay validation

 

But.. is mental changes really a valid reason? And like I don't even know what I want now. I can't think. I don't even know what I think about my body. It's a thing. Great. Whatever.

[Hmmm lies she/her]

5 hours ago, Through The Living Girl said:

Oh sorry I forgot about this.

I think it kinda helps because I've been thinking of how I basically wanted to be a girl years ago so yay validation

 

But.. is mental changes really a valid reason? And like I don't even know what I want now. I can't think. I don't even know what I think about my body. It's a thing. Great. Whatever.

Mental changes are definitely a valid reason. The whole point of HRT is to make the trans person feel good. If it would help you feel better, then it's a valid reason.

Edit: although, if you need to get some doctor to give you permission, it might be for the best to focus on physical stuff. Depends on how competent the person is

Edited March 21 by Hmmm lies

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

29 minutes ago, Hmmm lies said:

Mental changes are definitely a valid reason. The whole point of HRT is to make the trans person feel good. If it would help you feel better, then it's a valid reason.

Edit: although, if you need to get some doctor to give you permission, it might be for the best to focus on physical stuff. Depends on how competent the person is

Yeah..

Idk if I told you but I did my HRT appointment and... failed it.

Basically I'm not ready...

Not sure enough...

Still gotta think about what I want...

6 months of persistent feelings (I have like 2.5 I guess rn...)

Yeah...

Idk their competence, but it seems relatively decent..

 

Yeah

Sigh

 

Also does it count retrospectively

Like thinking back and realizing that I wanted to be a girl years ago?

[Hmmm lies she/her]

4 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

Yeah..

Idk if I told you but I did my HRT appointment and... failed it.

Basically I'm not ready...

Not sure enough...

Still gotta think about what I want...

6 months of persistent feelings (I have like 2.5 I guess rn...)

Yeah...

Idk their competence, but it seems relatively decent..

 

Yeah

Sigh

 

Also does it count retrospectively

Like thinking back and realizing that I wanted to be a girl years ago?

Ah damn that sucks. Still, if it means you can get it in 3 months, than that's not the worst outcome.

 

In my opinion it should count, but it might not be the same to these doctors idk

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

1 hour ago, Hmmm lies said:

Ah damn that sucks. Still, if it means you can get it in 3 months, than that's not the worst outcome.

 

In my opinion it should count, but it might not be the same to these doctors idk

I can ask, probably.

 

Yeah.. 3 months isn't the worst, but I also just... like after/during the appointment I just started doubting myself again and like "do I actually want or need HRT? Do I want it enough? Wait, am I still trans?"

 

Basically they wanna hear what I want out of it (I basically just said mainly the mental stuff and basically all the physical changes too) and, like, I forget exactly but kinda how I want it to affect my life and also like ig what dysphoria I'm feeling maybe? I forget the exact stuff...

 

I gotta look into this... I mean like journal or write here or whatever about that...

Cuz I've... cough.. wanted a different body or at least wondered what it would be like a few times over the years. I've pretty much wanted longer hair deep-down for... damn, like at least 5 years maybe 6 or 7 tho (tehe). Or, I've wanted it as early as like over 5 years ago, and probably before then. I wanted to grow it out.. but was unfortunate enough to not.

This one time I told someone, online, that I was a girl. And acted like one. Damn..

Oop

But that didn't last very long at all because I just backed out and stuff... I probably thought it wasn't okay for me to be a girl cuz I thought I wasn't, u know? So I'd be lying and deceiving... sigh

Then a few times I tried to get people to think I was a girl without saying so.. I think I mentioned that above.

I think I even tried feminine/female digital avatars, however briefly.

As for IRL... idk, besides wanting diff body parts.

I mean, I've never liked my voice or facial hair.

I don't think I liked being included in an all-male category/group/etc., if ya know what I mean.

Cough usingthebathroom cough

Cough locker/changingrooms cough

Cough swimming cough

Cough neverlikedhaircuts cough

Oh yeah. So sometimes when I was getting a haircut it almost hurt each time they cut the hair off, like I could feel it, it felt like a piece of me was being cut off. I mean.. technically it was lol but it was different. Like it gave me shivers/spinetingles sometimes, idk.

 

What else...

Never had much of an identity.

Could also be from masking but shrug

 

Never fit in with anyone. Never talked to many people, never had many friends, and I don't think I was completely satisfied with the ones I had (cough onlymales cough). I've had a few crushes... but also think I wanted to be friends with other girls. Either mistook it for crushes or idk whatever. Yah.

In fact... I wrote in my diary once when I was a dumb child "I want to be friends with [name redacted] :3" except the ":3" was a different face or whatever that was basically the same meaning. What I was actually saying but for some reason--IN MY PRIVATE DIARY--afraid to say was that I had a crush on her... but yeah. Heh.

 

Never had much of a fashion sense / never really wore many clothes I particularly liked, beyond just tolerating them. I had these pants I liked for a bit.. but then didn't like 'em anymore since I also had, like, no other styles. Yeah. Sigh.

T-Shirts were really my only way of expressing myself clothing-wise..

Near the time when I started questioning (maybe a month or two before), I started hating my clothes basically and wanting to get new ones..

Not sure I'd've been happy with new ones had I got 'em tho... cough men'sSection cough.

I've kinda just avoided thinking about my pronouns/gender/etc. in the past. Like on forms under like gender identity and all that I'd just put male cuz, u know, that's what I thought I was, what else would I be?

Sorry if any of this is repeating info I've said before... I just felt like writing this idk why.

I remember this girl in my class once had a preferred/chosen name or just a nickname, but idk that memory just stuck with me kinda. I think the nickname/chosen name was pretty different from birth/probably legal name. I remember it even today, but won't say it here obviously.

I've... always been interested in sapphic stuff, but was also too afraid to, like, get any books/look for any media/etc. because, u know, I guess... I... yeah.

I remember after reading Yumi (or during? Idk. I read it in like two days lol. cough bodyswap cough.) anyway so I remember I read the acknowledgements, which I rarely do, and it said one of his inspirations for the book was Your Name. So I looked that up and watched it. Then looked up more bodyswap movies lol. I don't think I ended watching any more, but I'm not always great with finding movies/TV. That was before I started questioning. Before I joined the Shard, even. So maybe some time in November or December.

I... may have headcanoned characters to be lesbian/sapphic before I knew what headcanoning was. hehe.

I've only read, like, one book series with a female character similar to me (and I read it in like a week or two or idk. four books, 400-800 pages each. hehe.) Basically she's socially awkward, lonely, and a programmer.

I probably wanted yuri before I knew what that was haha. Still haven't read any, don't know if I ever will, but yeah.

Wait a sec...

Just remembered another thing... I read this book series where one character is a girl who pretends to be a guy. Like Mulan, kinda. I wonder what I thought of that...

I actually... uhm... actually nvm I won't mention that hehe.

I read His Dark Materials just for Lyra (the female main character).

About a month before I started questioning, I read a book and it briefly mentioned something sapphic, and yeah I was like "bro why u only talk abt it for one sentence!!" Cuz I've read barely anything sapphic sigh..

Omg

There's this show I watched years ago, and it had this one episode that was related to lesbians, and I kinda liked that episode a lot? Or... something. It was definitely different than the other episodes, for me.

Idk if this means anything.. but I've basically done no sports hehe.

Uhhh... clothing gave me anxiety. Yep. Especially stuff like not just wearing essentially the same thing every day. I didn't really like "dress clothes" or anything like that, or even just nice clothes in general. Just plain sweatpants, plain hoodie, and a graphic tee.

Also belts were... interesting. Can't remember if I liked them or hated them. Also this was, like, around a year ago at minimum, and probably both before and after too.

Every time I look back on my texts I just remember being depressed then and not feeling the joy I sometimes expressed. It's just depressing to look back on basically every single text I've sent, going back years, and remembering how I was basically depressed then. Sigh.

And so uhm.. you guys know Street Fighter? Eh basically it's this old arcade fighting game but point is you get to choose your character and hehe I was kinda afraid sometimes to choose the female character (there were, like, one or two lol, and a bunch of males. Of course). But, anyway, sometimes I chose the female character and was "uhh, she's more agile. Her abilities are really good." Yeah so basically a recurring theme for me is being too scared to do what I actually want to because of what others would think, and also cuz I somehow thought it wasn't right for me to do.

For the texts, it's actually just kinda depressing to look back on them because everything "I" said just seems weird and off, idk how to explain it.

 

Anyway.... there's my life story lol

might add more later but this is a good "start"

Edit: oh crap those last few sentences ("For the texts,") and onward, including this right now, are/were written after looking through a bunch of my old texts and now I feel weird writing this help

Edit2: sigh this'll prolly wear off but now the stuff I wrote earlier in the post I'm feeling disconnected from. From both that and this. I feel weird. I feel bland. I feel maybe like I used to. Those texts were bad.

Or I'm just tired.

Edit3: ugh, now I'm having the same reaction that I had when reading those old texts to reading this. It just looks so stupid and emotionless and fake-happy, even tho I'm pretty sure it wasn't fake-happy when actually writing it.

What did I do to myself..

Edited March 21 by Through The Living Girl

[Aeoryi she/her]

my life is tragic idk if gender needs to be involved I was always hurt as a child if I behaved too much like a girl and my parents went great lengths to shame me whenever I considered expressing things that weren't masculine (i.e long hair)

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

Just now, Aeoryi said:

my life is tragic idk if gender needs to be involved I was always hurt as a child if I behaved too much like a girl and my parents went great lengths to shame me whenever I considered expressing things that weren't masculine (i.e long hair)

Damn sorry..

My parents always said I could grow out my hair if I wanted too... but, like, one time I think I expressed wanting too but they said nope. Probably my fault... probably was too vague and stupid like always

[Aeoryi she/her]

10 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

Damn sorry..

My parents always said I could grow out my hair if I wanted too... but, like, one time I think I expressed wanting too but they said nope. Probably my fault... probably was too vague and stupid like always

No my life has been like I've identified as non-binary since 2023 and then when I went over to mafia I started identifying as female online. IRL, it's kinda different. But I didn't even know it was trans at the time. It was just me.

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

46 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

No my life has been like I've identified as non-binary since 2023 and then when I went over to mafia I started identifying as female online. IRL, it's kinda different. But I didn't even know it was trans at the time. It was just me.

for me i didnt even think of myself as LGBTQ+ hehe

even that time when I identified as female for a veryveryvery short period of time

I hope that's actually a Sign of my trans-ness and not just some random thing every cis person does..

[Aeoryi she/her]

36 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

for me i didnt even think of myself as LGBTQ+ hehe

even that time when I identified as female for a veryveryvery short period of time

I hope that's actually a Sign of my trans-ness and not just some random thing every cis person does..

I was non-binary in a non-LGBTQ way man I kinda hated back then

but I was always like, kinda feminine I always saw myself as semi-female

[Ink and Embers Any pronouns]

2 hours ago, Aeoryi said:

I was non-binary in a non-LGBTQ way man I kinda hated back then

but I was always like, kinda feminine I always saw myself as semi-female

My younger self would not be happy with me; I was really, really transphobic when I was younger

Gender for me was kind of something I ignored for years and years because it sort of didn't affect me? Like, I didn't talk to people enough to really notice being misgendered, if that makes sense? And then even when I first started wondering if I was queer, I distinctly remember sitting on my bed thinking "questioning my sexuality is exhausting, I'll postpone questioning my gender", which probably delayed my coming out the egg by almost two years

And yea I still go through phases of "wait what if I'm just faking" on a. Like. Monthly basis.

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

oh also about a year ago I was questioning if I was gay.

hehe.

 

edit a few hours later:

oh and I've always had crem handwriting and envied all the handwriting of girls I knew.

I've always thought crop-tops are super cute.

I think leading up to my egg cracking or whatever it's called is that I started... like admiring female fashion? I forget exactly.. but I think like when I was watching a movie or something. Or maybe it was recognizing handsome men or cute guys.. hmm... Or both?

Oh also whenever sexuality/attraction came up I was just like (similarly to what I did for gender identity) uhh, yeah I'm attracted to women I think, yeah. Basically "yeah, of course I'm cishet wdym what else would I be? Hehe.."

Wait do I neglect my body's health? (Food, sleep, water, etc.) Oopsies.

Oh also, kinda like what I mentioned before. when people made general comments like "guys are so dumb" or "guys are always such brodudesportsjocks" and I... felt insulted each time. Idk exactly what that means, but yeah. I always felt that those statements were including me somehow, even when the people saying them obviously weren't meaning me. Or maybe I just don't like people making overgeneralized and kinda stereotypical. Like.. sure there are lots of annoying and cremmy guys... but like idk, and clearly not every guy is "bad." I've never wanted to be seen as an overly masculine/sportsbro person. I've never quite been like the guys I was around/knew/etc. ...

I guess maybe I felt lonely.. like not just general loneliness (though that too) but... like I remember in one of my classes or something, it was fairly small and stuff but there was like one girl there and a bunch of guys. The guys weren't particularly cremmy, pretty average, but yeah.. Also my memory may be off on this one, but yeah.

Yeah.

That's it for now, probably.

 

edit: looking back on some stuff and realized that like a day or two before I started questioning, I read one of Eddie's stories with a character named Lilly hehe

 

@Aeoryi on phone rn so hard to quote but treat this as if I'm quoting your post abt being enby

so... I'm not sure if this counts since I didn't state or think it... but I may or may not have also been enby online. Again, not sure of it counts tho. Because I basically avoided saying my pronouns online (and, again, I've said this before but resaying it with new info). I corrected some people who defaulted/assumed he/him, basically saying like don't assume pronouns etc. I think. And yeah so I basically didn't set my pronouns. At the time the reason was.. because I'm internet-paranoid and I guess considered pronouns to be personal info, which maybe they are but yeah. So idk, maybe I *was* just being paranoid/safe (however you want to look at it).

 

oh also some more to add to my trans infodump stuff:

I keep remembering parts of shows/books/movies that had trans-esque/whatever elements. So... Ready Player One. If you don't know abt it, there's a book (actually, two) and a movie for the first book. It's sci-fi, dystopian, set a few decades or something in the future, but the point is that there's this... basically global VR MMORPG that nearly everyone on the planet plays, to escape the gross/polluted/ruined Earth. And... one element is that you have your own avatar, yk? So... I think in the beginning it says basically you can be a different sex there (also different age, different etc.) Or, you can have people see/treat you differently, because it's also, like, VR so yeah.

(Spoiler for the movie/book if anyone cares)

Spoiler

And one of the characters I think basically is female IRL but is male online. Then there's this scene where she and like a friend or two meet up IRL (they're escaping the "bad guys") and then like I think the main character is surprised. Or like, he sees her and is like "where's [name]?" or something. Yeah..

So yeah that was kinda interesting.

Also in a book this female IRL plays an MMORPG with a male character because I think she was being harassed or something so yeah.

Idk if I'm just grasping at straws or whatever but yeah. Those were interesting books. Reread them a few times hehe.

 

omg wait a sec

so I read this book about 6 months ago (HAHA) with a sapphic couple and I can't remember exactly what my thoughts were but like when the two girls first met or were hanging out or something... but I think I basically wanted that, aka wanted to be a girl and have a girlfriend. And at the time maybe my thought wasn't exactly that, maybe more like I just want a girlfriend, because you know I didn't know I was trans, but yeah.

It's hard sometimes unless it was memorable to remember exactly what I thought or felt at a point.

I guess I liked the idea of being able to be whoever you want (a girl) online... since I couldn't be (to my knowledge) irl.

That doesn't really mean I had a female online persona at all, but I think the idea of it was something I wanted but didn't do because that would be deceiving and weird (in my mind).

Also some of this could be wrong (my thoughts) and also it's not like I knew I was trans or had a clear and accepted/acknowledged idea that I wanted to be a girl. It was more subconscious and like idk. Not all subconscious actually, but yeah.

Oh wait I just remembered I read another sapphic book/series before...

Oh wait omg I think I remember a book/character I headcanon'd to be either lesbian or bi. can't remember if i did or not but i think i did.

I think... since I didn't really overtly have a feminine persona, at least not a hugely significant one, books may have been an "outlet" or whatever for me. Because... I basically read all books for the female POV, including the Cosmere. Maybe to "get in the mind" of a girl/woman.. aka be her hehe.. idk but yeah.

I also, like, never wrote anything, like short stories or poetry or whatever. I wrote a few poems, but I don't think ever a short story. In the months leading up to egg crack, I had a few ideas and, like, wanted to write them but then got stuck deciding what pronouns/gender to make the characters, because I wanted to make them female but thought I shouldn't for some reason. I actually wrote an unfinished Cosmere fanfic, kinda. But the main character was male cuz you know.. Actually I also started a cringey Shallan fanfic.

Then sometimes I wanted to make a female character and then forced myself to make them male instead.

Actually this one time I was gonna make an enby character... but didn't.

Yeah.. I think one thing that was holding me back was character's genders

cough d&d cough. Tho I only ever made male characters sigh. Because I didn't think I was.. allowed to make female ones.

Oh and uhm I know guys can wear bracelets too but... I've worn bracelets for like many years. I may have stopped in-between, but started again like a year or two ago and have worn a bracelet nearly every day since...

Probably the first "good" humanoid I've drawn was female.. And this I had a reasonable excuse so it was fine. But that was fun to draw.

So... for D&D (specifically the Player's Handbook) there's this illustration of a female character that is very memorable (there are certain images, moments, thoughts, words/speech, lines, etc. that stick with me and I remember them often). I probably wanted to be her but also always made sure to not linger on the page and always flip quickly past it.. lol..

also, in one section about basically making ur character's personality and whatnot, it basically says that you can choose your character's sex, gender, and sexual orientation and everything and for some reason I always remembered that.

 

Anyway yeah not sure why I'm posting all this here but shrug

also what's going on

i feel different and i don't like it

i feel sick and disconnected and weird

Edited March 21 by Through The Living Girl

[Aeoryi she/her]

8 hours ago, Through The Living Girl said:

oh also about a year ago I was questioning if I was gay.

hehe.

 

edit a few hours later:

oh and I've always had crem handwriting and envied all the handwriting of girls I knew.

I've always thought crop-tops are super cute.

I think leading up to my egg cracking or whatever it's called is that I started... like admiring female fashion? I forget exactly.. but I think like when I was watching a movie or something. Or maybe it was recognizing handsome men or cute guys.. hmm... Or both?

Oh also whenever sexuality/attraction came up I was just like (similarly to what I did for gender identity) uhh, yeah I'm attracted to women I think, yeah. Basically "yeah, of course I'm cishet wdym what else would I be? Hehe.."

Wait do I neglect my body's health? (Food, sleep, water, etc.) Oopsies.

Oh also, kinda like what I mentioned before. when people made general comments like "guys are so dumb" or "guys are always such brodudesportsjocks" and I... felt insulted each time. Idk exactly what that means, but yeah. I always felt that those statements were including me somehow, even when the people saying them obviously weren't meaning me. Or maybe I just don't like people making overgeneralized and kinda stereotypical. Like.. sure there are lots of annoying and cremmy guys... but like idk, and clearly not every guy is "bad." I've never wanted to be seen as an overly masculine/sportsbro person. I've never quite been like the guys I was around/knew/etc. ...

I guess maybe I felt lonely.. like not just general loneliness (though that too) but... like I remember in one of my classes or something, it was fairly small and stuff but there was like one girl there and a bunch of guys. The guys weren't particularly cremmy, pretty average, but yeah.. Also my memory may be off on this one, but yeah.

Yeah.

That's it for now, probably.

 

edit: looking back on some stuff and realized that like a day or two before I started questioning, I read one of Eddie's stories with a character named Lilly hehe

 

@Aeoryi on phone rn so hard to quote but treat this as if I'm quoting your post abt being enby

so... I'm not sure if this counts since I didn't state or think it... but I may or may not have also been enby online. Again, not sure of it counts tho. Because I basically avoided saying my pronouns online (and, again, I've said this before but resaying it with new info). I corrected some people who defaulted/assumed he/him, basically saying like don't assume pronouns etc. I think. And yeah so I basically didn't set my pronouns. At the time the reason was.. because I'm internet-paranoid and I guess considered pronouns to be personal info, which maybe they are but yeah. So idk, maybe I *was* just being paranoid/safe (however you want to look at it).

 

oh also some more to add to my trans infodump stuff:

I keep remembering parts of shows/books/movies that had trans-esque/whatever elements. So... Ready Player One. If you don't know abt it, there's a book (actually, two) and a movie for the first book. It's sci-fi, dystopian, set a few decades or something in the future, but the point is that there's this... basically global VR MMORPG that nearly everyone on the planet plays, to escape the gross/polluted/ruined Earth. And... one element is that you have your own avatar, yk? So... I think in the beginning it says basically you can be a different sex there (also different age, different etc.) Or, you can have people see/treat you differently, because it's also, like, VR so yeah.

(Spoiler for the movie/book if anyone cares)

  Hide contents

And one of the characters I think basically is female IRL but is male online. Then there's this scene where she and like a friend or two meet up IRL (they're escaping the "bad guys") and then like I think the main character is surprised. Or like, he sees her and is like "where's [name]?" or something. Yeah..

So yeah that was kinda interesting.

Also in a book this female IRL plays an MMORPG with a male character because I think she was being harassed or something so yeah.

Idk if I'm just grasping at straws or whatever but yeah. Those were interesting books. Reread them a few times hehe.

 

omg wait a sec

so I read this book about 6 months ago (HAHA) with a sapphic couple and I can't remember exactly what my thoughts were but like when the two girls first met or were hanging out or something... but I think I basically wanted that, aka wanted to be a girl and have a girlfriend. And at the time maybe my thought wasn't exactly that, maybe more like I just want a girlfriend, because you know I didn't know I was trans, but yeah.

It's hard sometimes unless it was memorable to remember exactly what I thought or felt at a point.

I guess I liked the idea of being able to be whoever you want (a girl) online... since I couldn't be (to my knowledge) irl.

That doesn't really mean I had a female online persona at all, but I think the idea of it was something I wanted but didn't do because that would be deceiving and weird (in my mind).

Also some of this could be wrong (my thoughts) and also it's not like I knew I was trans or had a clear and accepted/acknowledged idea that I wanted to be a girl. It was more subconscious and like idk. Not all subconscious actually, but yeah.

Oh wait I just remembered I read another sapphic book/series before...

Oh wait omg I think I remember a book/character I headcanon'd to be either lesbian or bi. can't remember if i did or not but i think i did.

I think... since I didn't really overtly have a feminine persona, at least not a hugely significant one, books may have been an "outlet" or whatever for me. Because... I basically read all books for the female POV, including the Cosmere. Maybe to "get in the mind" of a girl/woman.. aka be her hehe.. idk but yeah.

I also, like, never wrote anything, like short stories or poetry or whatever. I wrote a few poems, but I don't think ever a short story. In the months leading up to egg crack, I had a few ideas and, like, wanted to write them but then got stuck deciding what pronouns/gender to make the characters, because I wanted to make them female but thought I shouldn't for some reason. I actually wrote an unfinished Cosmere fanfic, kinda. But the main character was male cuz you know.. Actually I also started a cringey Shallan fanfic.

Then sometimes I wanted to make a female character and then forced myself to make them male instead.

Actually this one time I was gonna make an enby character... but didn't.

Yeah.. I think one thing that was holding me back was character's genders

cough d&d cough. Tho I only ever made male characters sigh. Because I didn't think I was.. allowed to make female ones.

Oh and uhm I know guys can wear bracelets too but... I've worn bracelets for like many years. I may have stopped in-between, but started again like a year or two ago and have worn a bracelet nearly every day since...

Probably the first "good" humanoid I've drawn was female.. And this I had a reasonable excuse so it was fine. But that was fun to draw.

So... for D&D (specifically the Player's Handbook) there's this illustration of a female character that is very memorable (there are certain images, moments, thoughts, words/speech, lines, etc. that stick with me and I remember them often). I probably wanted to be her but also always made sure to not linger on the page and always flip quickly past it.. lol..

also, in one section about basically making ur character's personality and whatnot, it basically says that you can choose your character's sex, gender, and sexual orientation and everything and for some reason I always remembered that.

 

Anyway yeah not sure why I'm posting all this here but shrug

also what's going on

i feel different and i don't like it

i feel sick and disconnected and weird

lol I rationalized it as proving a point

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

6 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

lol I rationalized it as proving a point

and what point was that?

 

edit: anyone else felt in the past like no matter what they do it won't make them happy? Like "in the past" including before realizing you're trans. For example, watching TV or reading or writing or going outside or spending time with family/friends or drawing etc. It just wasn't usually happy-ifying. I guess sometimes it was, for time. But yeah

Edited March 21 by Through The Living Girl

[Aeoryi she/her]

5 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

and what point was that?

it's easy to become someone else entirely and disguise yourself

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

2 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

it's easy to become someone else entirely and disguise yourself

ah

[Aeoryi she/her]

3 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

ah

Never changed back for totally cis reasons

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

7 minutes ago, Aeoryi said:

Never changed back for totally cis reasons

do you still/ever feel disassociated or something?

cuz i might be rn

[Verdance he/him]

56 minutes ago, Through The Living Girl said:

and what point was that?

 

edit: anyone else felt in the past like no matter what they do it won't make them happy? Like "in the past" including before realizing you're trans. For example, watching TV or reading or writing or going outside or spending time with family/friends or drawing etc. It just wasn't usually happy-ifying. I guess sometimes it was, for time. But yeah

Yeah uh that’s something i get stuck in pretty often, and i usually feel like the experience of all my distractions not distracting me about every other day, and it just leaves me feeling restless and empty. Like i might do some work, and get stuck so i play a game, but i dont feel like playing a game so i check the shard, but there are no notifications on the shard, so i come back to work and get stuck again.

[Usseewa ✾ She♡Her ✾]

Just now, Through The Living Grass said:

Yeah uh that’s something i get stuck in pretty often, and i usually feel like the experience of all my distractions not distracting me about every other day, and it just leaves me feeling restless and empty. Like i might do some work, and get stuck so i play a game, but i dont feel like playing a game so i check the shard, but there are no notifications on the shard, so i come back to work and get stuck again.

same lol....

then sometimes the shard just makes me sick so i go down rabbit holes on the internet

but like .. yeah. Makes me feel Breathless and Hollow. Haha..

I've also always been a bland loser..

I remember a while ago i kinda had like the mindset that i was basically a robot (tho not literally?) but like robotic and emotionless and monotone and yeah... I mean i kinda was.. but i still felt emotions like strong anger or upsetness/frustration, but sometimes things just don't faze me. In fact in the past year or few I've "taught myself" to just ignore and be numb to most insults and whatnot.. like I just ignore it or don't react. Some may say it's a good thing. I'm now thinking maybe not-so-much.

I don't even think I've really felt grief. When my family was grieving, I was kinda forcing myself to cry I think and I just didn't feel that sad by it. Maybe like "oh," like a little shock or like something mildly surprising was said to me instead of something that should be very sad. Yeah...

Anyway I'll stop there since I gotta do other stuff

[Aeoryi she/her]

1 hour ago, Through The Living Girl said:

do you still/ever feel disassociated or something?

cuz i might be rn

no not really

dissociation isn't really me... I don't frame it as that ..