12/1/25 - Appol PhD - Tooth and Claw sub 16, 3463 words (VLG)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Marking light gore for slow vampire disintegration. 

 

This is the third to last submission, where most of the relationship plot is wrapped up before the final two submissions look to the future of what the protags will be up to. Curious to hear people's thoughts! 

[Paul SB]

You should probably have warned about the suicidal ideation. SI on the page can be very triggering for some.

What worked

Chapter 31:

“So die,” I tell her, “And let the world forget you.” — Now THAT is vindictive! No ‘I forgive you no matter what a horrible person you are, Mom.’ Talk about kicking someone when they’re down.

“He can’t rely on them.

So I’ll make sure he can rely on me instead.” — That’s some pretty impressive devotion, and from a character who isn’t being driven by the usual (Disney approved) hormones.

The narrative about politics and health care is something that some people would get mad about, but those people can suck it. Decent human beings will be grateful that you aren’t holding back about it, but you’re also not doing a soapbox rant.

 

Chapter 32:

I’m not Aro so I’m not the best person to judge, but the thoughts going through P’s mind seem pretty convincing to me.

 

Not So Much

Chapter 31:

It took Mommy a long time to die, conveniently just long enough for K to add insult to fatal injury. Maybe it would be better if either the mother held on a bit longer to show the despair in her eyes, or crumbled before K finished her last sentence. Maybe have K get mad that she wanted to say more. She was being really vindictive in this scene.

 

“… It feels like we’re so close that we’ve already declared our love for each other.” — This phrasing doesn’t sound quite right. Maybe something like, “It feels so close we should be talking about the guest list for our wedding.”

 

“His mental health issues didn’t disappear overnight …” — Mental health issues don’t disappear, period. Many people learn to live with them, though even then they can rear their ugly heads at any time, even many years after the last time someone had symptoms. Once you have one you’re never really free of it. I would hope that, even if they had no access to professional help, they would have done the research online or in the library.

 

Chapter 32:

The whole scene narrated by P sounds awfully romantic for someone who swears he’s aromantic.

 

This last bit sounds so denouement it feels like the curtain should fall and the credits start rolling.  It feels like anything more will be unnecessary. Since you plan to have two more chapters, you might want to find a way to end this one that hints at what business they left unfinished is important enough to keep reading about.

[AnAirSickFool]

My thoughts.

I felt that K taking time to find the best thing to say to someone as they are dying was a bit much. I find that that is hard to empathize with someone died and I find that should be sad no matter the individual. the lack of care for that is a little much. Afterwards they do not give a single thought to a life ended which is traumatic in just about every circumstance.

Other then that I found the others interesting and well written. 

 

[ginger_reckoning]

 

As others said, I thought the part with her gloating over her mom was a little much, and read as a little sadistic. I'm not saying that wanting to hurt her mom for what she did to her is not a valid reaction to have, but I think if it's just toned down a little it will work better. Other than that, I thought this was a pretty good section, though I think the part after she gets healed could be tightened a little. Overall though, some pretty emotional scenes here. I think if the wording is strengthened in some of the more emotional bits it could really stand out!

 

Sub 16

 

“To really hurt my mother” this and her grinning later down really give the sense that she’s taking pleasure from this, which kind of paints her in more of a sadistic light than she’s been in through the story. It could definitely be the case for a character in this situation, but it doesn’t seem really in K’s character to me. I imagine she would be more cold, calculated,, maybe inwardly taking pleasure at the exchange, but also recognizing the seriousness of the situation, based on how she’s acted before. Idk though, that’s just my suggestion

 

That being said, I really appreciate the comparison to a weapon here, and the sentiments here about your intentions not mattering when you’re part of the death machine. 

 

“Let the world forget you” I still think she would have at least a little regret and disappointment here, even with the anger and betrayal she feels from her mother, she still fantasized about living with her for a long time and that wouldn’t just disappear, I don’t think. Idk, maybe we will see more later

 

The part with P and B is nice and sweet, no notes 

 

Pg 5 “It’s important we know who and what she is” Can’t exactly pinpoint why but this line stands out to me as being odd to say while she is disintegrating. I think it’s possibly because I feel like it hits the nail on the head too obviously, with regards to this theme? Like she already called her mom out and now the book is emphasizing it even more? Especially since they don’t have a lot of time and every word counts. So I think it woul read a little bit better to cut out that particular phrase so it just reads “I’m glad you did. I couldn’t say what you did better myself. But now she’s gone so don’t worry about her, quick let’s kiss before you die etc etc”

 

“More a request” I like this

 

“Theoretically compel” toss “theoretically” imo. Otherwise, I like this paragraph

 

“Then don’t” very nice

 

(Btw i’m listening to 80’s romantic vaporwave while writing these and I feel like it’s a great fit for this scene haha) 

 

“Can’t bestow the experience” Okay, so my first impulse was that this paragraph seemed a little clinical, but I like the idea it’s getting across. I think it could use a little more emphasis on the fact of the tragedy of all the years they won’t get to have, rather than the fact they lack experience in the now, which is mostly what is getting emphasized rn imo 

 

“Patch of glittering gold” I like the image this is conjuring

 

Pg 8 “how touching” eh, I don’t love this line, I feel like the sarcasm undercuts the sincere feelings in this scene, but that’s just me

 

Didn’t B and N tell J about the ritual they were going to do? I feel like that’s where my brain would go if I were J

 

Some of this conversation reads a little awkwardly

 

I can’t tell if them keeping calling themselves vampires is supposed to be dramatic irony or if the ritual just healed the wound she got. Is it that she’s human again but J is stuck a vampire?

 

“Starting on the same foot” This line is fine, but I think you could do something stronger