11/18/25 - Appol PhD - Tooth and Claw sub 14, 4938 words (VLG)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Looks like I forgot to send this out yesterday, so here we are with the dark moment right before the climax! 

[AnAirSickFool]

Hello. I am new to this so I only have the summaries to go on for context so my comments can be taken with a grain of salt.

All in all it was an interesting chapter. The only thing I can think of adding would be some sensory information for smelling. Mostly because when describing things most people forget to include smell even though it is important in describing things.

[Paul SB]

Dark moment but with a level of tenderness.

What Worked:

Chapter 27

“It all points to one truth.” — Nice plot twist, and nicely built up, though I think you could add more sensory detail, like feeling that she has to squint in the sunlight, feeling cold but without goosebumps.

 

“So I’ll be with you until the end,” he says. “And we’ll get out of this together.” — Definitely a real love at first bite thing for L. Silly teenagers.

 

“Then his transformation begins.” — Nice cliffhanger

 

Chapter 28

“That I care about Brennan as much as other people love their romantic partners, and that our activities still feel more like spending time with a best friend I want to live with forever instead of a date with a boyfriend.” — Not being Ace myself, I can’t speak with authority here, but this sounds to me like a good explanation of a feeling that is subtly different from what we all learn from Disney movies.

“So if Brennan and I fail this ritual, we’re all out of options.” — Nice way to raise the stakes.

A vest that glows is certainly unique. What color is the glow?

“I want to tell him that I love him too, but it’s too cruel for me to say before I turn him. So instead, I drive my fangs into his head.” — Bram Stoker immortal beloved ending, but much more emotionally complex. I’m presuming that the story isn’t quite over yet, though. Some people would find this really sappy, while others would swoon. You’ll need cover art that would attract the latter and repel the former.

Not So Much:

Chapter 27

“But the strangest part is that I feel sharper and more alert, with the grasses swaying in the wind and lone gnarled shrubs clinging to life both popping out beneath the blue sky in a way that feels like I’m waking from a meditation.” — This is kind of a long sentence.

 

“I spent years of tirades on Guang for his treatment of Brennan, but I had nothing for a parent I knew was persecuting some of the most vulnerable people in the country with no oversight.” — Somehow the idea that vampires and werewolves are the most vulnerable people in the country feels more than a little bit off.

 

Chapter 28

“Like she was being puppetted by someone who didn’t even allow her to look horrified.” — I’m pretty sure that puppetted isn’t a word, but something like, “someone was pulling her strings” would work, or “like a puppet on a string.”

 

“… it requires a human and someone with fey ancestry who love each other to do the ritual …” — Okay, now that’s a stretch. Way too coincidental to be believed. It might come across better if that specific combination fulfills the conditions but isn’t the only option.

 

Dude appear stark naked in front of her and she has no visceral reaction at all?

 

Adolescents in love tend to sigh a lot and stare at nothing, starry-eyed. There probably isn’t a great place for that in this chapter, but a little of that earlier on would make J’s blind devotion more believable. Be careful, though. It would be easy to overdo it.

[ginger_reckoning]

I was really unclear why her mom had her walk to town and then back, and unfortunatley I don't think the dramtic irony of her not immediately realizing she's a vampire lands here. Having finished the chapter, I think that her mom's plan was to get her to lure her friends to the cave, but I'm not sure. I also think her initially forgetting kind of slows the pace down. I would rather have the commands spelled out from the start personally. 

 

Also I think I have said this before but since it's pretty clear B and P will be important for the end of the novel, I think some earlier chapters from their perspectives would be good. 

Im excited to see how they get out of this situation!

 

Sub 14

Pg 1 “recall…event I remember” this is a little redundant, I would cut one of these 

 

“And in order to do that” Not huge, but the word “and” can be cut here. It can also be left if you so choose, but other editors will probably point it out as being a filler word

 

Pg 2 “popping out beneath the blue sky” I had to read this a few times to understand what it was saying, might be worth it to simplify 

 

How did the cast get removed? Hmmm

 

“ invisible forcefield” idk this is probably pedantic but this experience seems like it would be out of the blue for her to immediately think of as a forcefield so IDK if immediately jumping to the conclusion of an invisible forcefield makes sense. However I think this could be fixed by even saying something like “it’s like I hit a forcefield" since that hedges the certainty a little 

 

I’m not sure if phone cameras actually use mirrors, but I like the concept

 

So the compulsions only apply now that she remembers them? I'm a little unclear on the mechanics

 

Pg 8 I am unsure why she suddenly attacks him here. Is it just because he got in front of her?

 

Pg10 “Who are giving them trouble” I would cut this clause to simplify the sentence

 

“This was supposed to be a simple trip” I would move this explanation elsewhere, maybe after he explains about the ritual. As it stands, it doesn’t really make sense following what B just said

 

Pg 12 “that I care about B” sorry for always giving the same notes hahah but I also feel like this sentence is a long one

 

“Evil cave” lol

 

Pg 13 Surely her mom would have included instructions to not kill herself? I got the impression that was standard procedure for vampires

 

Pg 16 “saving around the scanner” waving?