10/27/25 - Appol PhD - Tooth and Claw sub 11, 4448 words (L)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

 

This submission leads us into more of the individual conflicts J and K face. I elected for shorter scenes that jump between the two of them, and I'm curious to see how the pace feels. 

 

Thanks as always!

[Keel_and_Quil he / him]

Hello, wanted to note that I am new at this and am jumping into the middle of your story, so please take my comments for what they are worth and understand they are based on limited context.

Feel free to steer me into more useful feedback if this isn't what you're looking for.

Hope they help!

What worked for me:

Chapter 21:

K:

K's eyes being opened to possibilities not previously considered is a nice moment. I am assume character has built to these in previous installments.

Overall this feels emotionally authentic.

J:

Opening sentence sets a bucolic scene, contrasted with the danger of someone approaching - piqued my interest!

Good parallel of the conflict between idealism and struggle.

N's dialog is true to the revealed character - good voice.

Discussion of western democracy vs. arab democracy add good motivation and the Socratic method N employs is interesting and flows.

 

Chapter 22:

K:

conflict and moral ambiguity feel authentic. "he has to think.... who she is" gives K a good basis for understanding J's feelings and being conflicted.

 

J:

as a "white person" I chuckled at your description of mindfulness and "online slop" being sold.

J's guilt feels reals real.

good dramatic moment when firearm is presented. Nice change to physical danger after introspection and moral danger.

final line is a gut punch! looking forward to finding out if J can live with getting what J asked for....

 

What didn't work for me:

Chapter 21:

K:

I can see you were careful with exposition and trying to convey facts and it mostly worked, but it felt too bulky in middle.

J:

Would be interesting to hear N's feelings about the Arab revolt and subsequent betrayal

The paragraph of internal dialog about the issues around the arab democracy feels a bit heavy handed toward the reader. I feel like the dialog carried the message well and this was extra added on.

 

Chapter 22

K:

In paragraph starting "In the shower...." Is K realistically expecting J to think of mom as a good person when she tried to murder him? Seems difficult even for the enlightened.

Is mom's agreement on the scanner too easy? after a sleepless night and moral questions about mom, this could be anticlimactic. Does mom have more emotional reaction, or her own moral conflict about the scanner?

 

J:

J is very logical in final paragraphs, thinks about strength of vampire, realizes what A is going to do. Could there be an emotional reaction here? A physical sensation that reveals an emotional reaction? 

Reactions to specific sentences:

Chapter 21:

contrast of N with dead forest is evocative.

"reveals it to be N" sounds a bit stilted - unless this is the character's speech style?

"And I do recognize.... way humans do." seems a bit long-ish for a sentence. Does "they" at the end refer to B&N or A?

Good insight on the very human reaction that apology elicits an ego stroke.

Chapter 22:

Does meditation "make" one accept fate, or "allow" one to accept fate?

"My ruminating... remains elusive" I found the double use of the word "while" in same sentence distracting.

"I hope... he doesn't" - it took a re-read to realize what "he doesn't" is 'forgive me" seemed unclear on first read.

I like: "So you .... in a cast?" hangs a lantern on the decision.

"Same small ... fully grown" the range of ages slows the sentence in a dramatic moment... maybe just say preteen?

Enjoyed the pacing when gun is pulled - the distracting thoughts of viewpoint character give it a moment to sink in.

Enjoyed the read and looking forward to future installments!

 

[Paul SB]

What Worked:

Chapter 21

“I want him to put it into words so it’s a binding fey promise, but that’s not fair for me to insist. The agreement of a friend is already more than I deserve.” Interesting mix of social wisdom and self-deprecation. It shows the character’s complexity in a way that makes her feel real, especially after the very selfless favor she asked.

 

“I don’t regret a moment of happiness that came with my plans for resistance, but giving up can feel just as good. I’ll spend the rest of my life in these tunnels, and I’ll enjoy it.” — No, he won’t, but he has to tell himself that.

 

Chapter 22

 

“So why does this feel wrong in a way that it never did with him?” — Good question, and it’s good that K is not completely trusting her mother.

 

“My parents never taught me meditation, so trying it here makes me feel like a white person reading about mindfulness from online slop articles and banking on it being a miracle cure.” — This is both funny and thoughtful at the same time.

 

Not So Much:

Chapter 21

 

“… I haven’t quite accepted the fact that he won’t be in my life anymore.” I think she needs to think a bit more here, given how little time she’s known him and how little she actually knows about him. Yes, she’s an adolescent, but she’s a smart one.

 

 

“But right now, Daxia is the threat. I’ll use a flawed system to stabilize the situation for now, and then look for long-term solutions” This is one of those cases where if she said what she was thinking she could reduce a whole lot of friction.

 

I feel like we could use a bit more background on Niall, as well as some physical description. Maybe while she is thinking about how much fun he is to be around she might think about his smile, or how his face suits his demeanor.

 

If a human can have Fey ancestry, doesn’t that make them a subspecies of human? It seems like that might cross K’s mind.

 

“You have a life in the city. Go back to it.” — This sounds awfully cold for such a good friend …

 

 

Chapter 22

 

“Haohao.” — You should probably explain what the name means.

 

“But what’s the point? If I can finally make someone happy by dying, then …”

— While the turn with A is a twist, J’s quasi-suicidal reaction sounds implausible. 80% of suicides take place during a panic attack, and the great majority of the remaining 20% during a depressive episode. Rationalized suicide is extremely rare, and even then, the survival instinct is very hard to override without physical signs of the struggle that takes place at an unconscious level. If J is supposed to be bravely accepting his fate, he needs to show that struggle. Otherwise, he needs to show signs of going into a downward spiral of anxiety and depression.

[ginger_reckoning]

Not many notes other than my LBL's. The darkest hour is one of my favorite tropes and I thought this one is done pretty well, and I liked where it left off. Excited to read more!

 

“Fey ancestry” I would maybe put a little bit more of an explanation since I think K, who has had fewer interactions with supernatural stuff might not be expected to know that fey can’t lie (also the reader may not know) so maybe something like “I also can’t lie because of my ancestry” 

 

“Leaves them hanging ” I like this part

 

“So it’s a binding” I don’t get the sense she would just know this, especially since some of the rules have been a little different for some creatures than what you might expect, like vampires only being weakened by sunlight, not killed by it. I think it would seem more realistic if she instead thought about it like wondering if it would work to get him to verbally promise, but then coming to the same conclusion that it would kind of be f*cked up to intentionally try to use that against a friend

 

Pg 4 “always trying to protect” I don’t see why this means N isn’t with them. B sent her away?

 

I think the idea of having someone who was alive during the colonial era of the british and american empires is really cool

 

Pg7 “But I am a monster” …

“Because from my perspective…” I think these two paragraphs could be more effective if their order was switched. So like, we learn how J views humanity first, then he says “she can’t let go of that", since it makes that line about her humanity more punchy, like it deserves imo

 

I personally don’t think that she will destroy the scanner, I think she is lying

 

“Partner in the field” AKA, human shield lol

 

Pg10 “I haven’t mentioned the scanner” well, she did, they were just talking about it. I would cut this and just leave it that she didn’t mention she knew who made it. It might be reasonable for her mom to assume she knew, if she knew about the device’s existence

 

Pg15 “Don’t hurt anyone” I think this comes across a little bland for the fear I imagine he would be feeling in this moment. Dialogue tag could help, or the inclusion of a physical reaction he has

 

Pg 14 I like the twist of him showing up to kill him, but also I think its really funny that he thinks about gun safety first haha

 

Nice, awesome cliffhanger on this chapter