Keel_and_Quil

Hello, wanted to note that I am new at this and am jumping into the middle of your story, so please take my comments for what they are worth and understand they are based on limited context. Feel free to steer me into more useful feedback if this isn't what you're looking for. Hope they help! What worked for me: Chapter 21: K: K's eyes being opened to possibilities not previously considered is a nice moment. I am assume character has built to these in previous installments. Overall this feels emotionally authentic. J: Opening sentence sets a bucolic scene, contrasted with the danger of someone approaching - piqued my interest! Good parallel of the conflict between idealism and struggle. N's dialog is true to the revealed character - good voice. Discussion of western democracy vs. arab democracy add good motivation and the Socratic method N employs is interesting and flows. Chapter 22: K: conflict and moral ambiguity feel authentic. "he has to think.... who she is" gives K a good basis for understanding J's feelings and being conflicted. J: as a "white person" I chuckled at your description of mindfulness and "online slop" being sold. J's guilt feels reals real. good dramatic moment when firearm is presented. Nice change to physical danger after introspection and moral danger. final line is a gut punch! looking forward to finding out if J can live with getting what J asked for.... What didn't work for me: Chapter 21: K: I can see you were careful with exposition and trying to convey facts and it mostly worked, but it felt too bulky in middle. J: Would be interesting to hear N's feelings about the Arab revolt and subsequent betrayal The paragraph of internal dialog about the issues around the arab democracy feels a bit heavy handed toward the reader. I feel like the dialog carried the message well and this was extra added on. Chapter 22 K: In paragraph starting "In the shower...." Is K realistically expecting J to think of mom as a good person when she tried to murder him? Seems difficult even for the enlightened. Is mom's agreement on the scanner too easy? after a sleepless night and moral questions about mom, this could be anticlimactic. Does mom have more emotional reaction, or her own moral conflict about the scanner? J: J is very logical in final paragraphs, thinks about strength of vampire, realizes what A is going to do. Could there be an emotional reaction here? A physical sensation that reveals an emotional reaction? Reactions to specific sentences: Chapter 21: contrast of N with dead forest is evocative. "reveals it to be N" sounds a bit stilted - unless this is the character's speech style? "And I do recognize.... way humans do." seems a bit long-ish for a sentence. Does "they" at the end refer to B&N or A? Good insight on the very human reaction that apology elicits an ego stroke. Chapter 22: Does meditation "make" one accept fate, or "allow" one to accept fate? "My ruminating... remains elusive" I found the double use of the word "while" in same sentence distracting. "I hope... he doesn't" - it took a re-read to realize what "he doesn't" is 'forgive me" seemed unclear on first read. I like: "So you .... in a cast?" hangs a lantern on the decision. "Same small ... fully grown" the range of ages slows the sentence in a dramatic moment... maybe just say preteen? Enjoyed the pacing when gun is pulled - the distracting thoughts of viewpoint character give it a moment to sink in. Enjoyed the read and looking forward to future installments!

Hello, my name is Matt, and I've been fortunate enough to retire early and sail away with my wife! While I didn't write much while working and raising a family, I now find myself with time and a need for a creative outlet. I am a long-time fantasy reader, RPG lover, and dreamer. Looking forward to meeting y'all.