9/22/25 - Appol PhD - Tooth and Claw sub 6, 4023 words (L)

[Appol PhD they/he]

This is another one more focused on ideology and politics, so I'm curious how it reads. Thanks!

[TheDwarfyOne]

Hey.

Firstly, I haven't read the previous chapters - so this is the assessment of someone who hasn't been fully immersed in your work.

I enjoyed the intellectualism which came through in the dialogue. The story seems to explore an interesting intersectionality of culture, sex, and type (supernatural/natural).

Some things I noted:

Language - this played a significant role. However, we're only ever told about it (ie 'he said in Chinese'). Not shown.

Further, I'm unsure on how feasible it would be for an individual to learn native-level language from videos. As someone currently learning German - the internet is wondrous, but not everything. Especially when smuggled and therefore restricted.

Emotion blending - See, for example, the interaction between K and L after K uses her A connections. L moves from angry to relaxed very quickly. It's slightly jarring. Also, L moves from banishment to anger to light flirtation.... without us seeing him processing the banishment.

Logic/discourse -  this may be saying things you don't want it to. You build L's claim that men are more aggressive or warlike. Then make a comparison to the supernatural world. If you accept men, L says, you should accept the supernatural creatures. They're just like men, after all, only less numerous. Only the definition of 'human' holds you back.

For me, this does two things. Firstly, cement the danger of the supernatural world as one revolving around violence and war. What use is there in welcoming such a society?

Two, suggests L has a strange perception of his own sex. Why is violence such a central pillar of how he understands men? Such an extreme take should probably be reinforced by past experience. Did his dad beat him? Uncle? Are werewolves taught that males should be aggressive hunter-creatures from a young age?

This is all good if it's an intended part of L's character - but if not then it needs rethought.

 

Overall, a nice draft. I'm definitely interested in finding out more about how community, love, and isolation can play out in this setting.

Edited September 22, 2025 by TheDwarfyOne

[Appol PhD they/he]

Thanks for the feedback! That's very helpful.

42 minutes ago, TheDwarfyOne said:

Further, I'm unsure on how feasible it would be for an individual to learn native-level language from videos. As someone currently learning German - the internet is wondrous, but not everything. Especially when smuggled and therefore restricted.

This is a good point, and probably does require more attention. I'm monolingual and trying to skirt around talking about language since it would be important to these people, but it makes sense that I'll miss things since I don't have that lived experience. Thanks for pointing this out!

[Paul SB]

I usually get to you quicker, but my pineal gland hasn't been happy lately, and the heat isn't helping. Anyway, here goes:

 

What Works

Chapter 11

“His tone indicates that he is judging me for exactly that.” - This is a needed sort of observation, given how often people say “God’s the judge” when it’s really obvious that they are judging you, but nobody ever says it.

 

“… she must have watched it dozens or even hundreds of times with the same sort of love that wears down childhood books.” - Great descriptor

 

“And he’s the one who’s vulnerable in this power dynamic, so I’m the one who has to be the bigger person.”

K is definitely a deeper thinker than most, given that she’s talking about a werewolf. Most people would never think that they had the upper hand, no matter how polite the werewolf acts.

 

Chapter 12

The description of CZ is very telling and well-placed, though you might comment on the fact that she’s not 20.

 

“First rule of working with law enforcement is to never talk to them unless requesting to speak with a lawyer.” - Great line.

 

“ … teenage girls being taken advantage of in hookups is a real concern backed by real societal power dynamics that requires real precautions.” This guy is also a pretty sharp thinker.

 

Very interesting, timely, and thoughtful conversation about dehumanizing people. I’m not decided as to whether it would be better or worse to bring in contemporary and/or historical examples of how people have rationalized atrocities by treating other groups as less than human. In this instance, though, you have to do the science fiction thing of separating personhood from humanity.

 

Regarding same vs. different, it’s useful to look at the overlap between groups. Most of the differences we assume exist between male and female hominids overlap on the order of 75 - 80%, and there are numerous individuals of one sex that have higher values for traits that belong to the opposite sex than a majority of the individuals of that sex. The problem is categorical thinking, which is oversimplifying the complexities of reality.

 

The annoying teenage debate is perfect!

 

 

What Doesn’t Work

Chapter 11

“Even when he’s angry, his words always seem to carry exactly how he wants them to.”

 

Not being telepathic, she doesn’t actually know what he wants them to do. It might be better is she said that he always sounds confident.

 

“When she asked if you were cute? I told her the truth and said you are. She’s nosy enough that I wasn’t going to hide it from her in the long run.”

 

This is a spot where you have a lot of uninterrupted dialogue, which gets monotonous. It would benefit from breaking it up with some facial expressions, body language, and proxemics. Ditto the next several lines.

 

“ … call out sexism …”

 

This might be a better place to use the word ‘bigotry’ since she is talking about potential bigotry against cryptids (cryptism?).

 

“ … I walk out from the abandoned buildings and sit down on the ground …”

 

How does the ground feel? How does the air outside smell compared to being in the tunnels? Is the foliage on the ground crunchy and noisy? How does K feel about being in the open compared to being under ground?

 

“ … “You’re making me feel safer already …”

 

This exchange screams of stereotype. I would think K, at least, would make note of that.

 

Chapter 12

“Her pointed black boots and thin dark jacket and leopard print glasses and red scarf and …”

 

That’s way too many ands in one sentence.

 

“ I’d rather run out and grab condoms than risk you being unprotected.”

 

K should be turning red as a spanking.

 

“… I can’t sit back and watch Kay eat up Aegis logic like this so long as she holds the scanner.”

 

This thought really gives the impression that J is just using K, not genuinely interested in her.

 

“ … societies with no connection or the western world …” This sentence doesn’t make sense.

 

 

L gets banished, yet even his own internal monologue makes very little of it. I would think that he would have some serious worries, not just about where he’s going to sleep that night, but his future in that city. If he’s passing himself off as a human high school student and he doesn’t have parents to sign off for him at school, or to vouch for him when he tries to get an apartment, a car, financial aid for college, and many other things, he’s going to have serious problems. Then there’s the possibility that he may have just become extremely vulnerable to the local vampire clan. These things should be taking up at least as much space in his mind as the pretty girl he’s with.

[ginger_reckoning]

 

Sorry, I am trying to get these done a little quicker, so I am not going to take the time to put together my overall thoughts. Hopefully my LBLs get my thoughts across okay. Overall, thought these added interesting dimensions to the situation, but I felt like the discussion on gender and sex as a metaphor for the situation with the supernaturals could use a little polishing. I can understand the logic of both sides well enough, I just thought it could be integrated better into the course of conversation

 

 

Sub 6

“Lump in my throat so long as” I would replace so long as with “whenever”

 

“Yank me any way” I like this sentence a lot, but would replace “in” to “with a sentence “ 

 

L is reacting very calmly to being kicked out. Maybe he was expecting it or is masking his emotions here, but I would like a little bit more of a reaction here, or at least hints that he’s feeling something, or if not, K noting that he seems exceptionally calm 

 

“Supposed to have as an example” having the clause of “as an example” here at the end of the sentence is a little confusing, it sounds as if the act of having a phone is what is the example here, rather than the video she is showing. I would move the clause to “I ask, and as an example she shows”

 

That being said, I really like the idea of her just watching this little vine over and over again, good characterization. The fact that she also seems unconcerned about L leaving is a little odd though. I could see how her excitement of a human could be overshadowing that, but if that’s the case I would like to read the actual dialogue of her being excited and asking questions about humans

 

I like this exchange of him thinking she’s cute :3

 

Cute ending to the chapter too, and a nice development!

 

I like the description at the beginning of the next chapter

“Makes her look professional” should be “make her look”

“We get sandwiches as something simple and straightforward” add a comma or em dashes  to make it grammatically correct, but I didn’t know what “as something” was supposed to mean

 

With the tomatoes thing, I honestly didn’t know that. My dog growing up loved to eat the tomatoes out of our garden (to my dad’s chagrin) all the time, so that makes me retroactively worried haha. Sidenote, does he also not eat grapes and chocolate? 

 

“Every work out of her mouth” probably should be “word” 

 

“Remember your sex ed” If my mom offered to buy me condoms I would probably nonfigurateively die on the spot from embarrassment. 

I think that would the reaction of most people honestly, so I think it meritsa little bit of acknowledgement/lampshading  from J, like “instead of being embarrassed like you would expect from that kind of statement, K was completely enthralled” well, maybe the word enthralled is strong here given the context of vampires  but you know what I mean haha

 

“In the end” sticks out for repeating 

 

“Sex is a spectrum” That’s what they’re arguing about? I thought it was human/werewolf they were talking about with the “we’re all the same in the end” not men/ women 

 

“That’s because of how society functions” this feels like a strawmen for people who don’t believe in gender essentialism ngl. Like I have never met anyone who actually believes that biology has absolutely nothing to do with it, though I’ve met plenty of people who would say that society plays a bigger role than it could

 

“As a hypothetical” as a hypothetical you say? 

 

“Understanding dawns on K’s face” I mean, yeah, that took her a while. I actually was more confused because I thought they were switching the topic to sexual politics for a second

 

“Interesting perspective” god, she’s infuriating

 

“So why am I the one comforting her?” honestly good question