3/31/25 - Ace of Hearts - Labyrinth of Birdcages sub 11, 4706 words (V)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

 

The first chapter is more of the same--I'd like to know if the confrontation here feels too formulaic. For the second chapter, I tried going for a more relaxed and lower conflict angle for the romantic subplot, and I'm curious how that comes across.

 

Thanks!

[ginger_reckoning]

I liked this submission a lot! While the stuff in the labyrinth does follow the same kind of arc every time, I liked this one a lot since it had to do with someone (IMO) even closer to J than the others were at the beginning. I liked the section after even more though, and I thought it was good to have a slower section after all the action. I do wonder what will happen and what the labryinth even is, especially since the story is kind of telling us the end is near. Sorry btw, I wish i were more help than just saying it's repetitive btw, but I'm also not sure how to help with that. But I think the story is strongest when it is dealing with the emotions of the characters. 

 

 

Pg 1 I still like that the pigeons keep getting scarier. I hope by the end they are barely recognizable as pigeons haha

 

Where are K and V during this btw? They are mentioned, but like are they in front, behind, where? Also, I think just a tiny bit more detail about the fights, just in general, might be good, though I know that’s not really a focus of the story

 

I was not expecting his mom!

 

Pg 3 “slaps” okay, not cool 

 

“Beating and yelling” should be “yelling at” 

 

Pg 4 “I need to be punished” I don’t think a kid would say this. Maybe something like “i deserve this” or just leave it at breaking the promise, but I don’t think a kid would just straight up say they need to be punished 

 

Pg 5 “maybe it’s fair” this does seem more like something a kid would say

 

Pg 6 “my brother too” ooof, right in the feels 

 

Yeah, that has to be traumatizing for a kid

 

Pg 11 Yeah, this does seem like an embarrassing situation

 

Pg 13 “I owe her ten” haha

 

I’m going to be honest, I kind of forgot that you have to spend money on dates because like the most I ever spend is like 5$ for a coffee, you can catch me browsing at bookstores and stuff haha

[Little_Dagger she/her]

This is my first time reading the story, so I hope I won’t be too lost

As I go:

P1. “charred feathers and the red glow” – that’s cool imagery

P2: “runs towards” – could be better if you used “starts towards” since J doesn’t let him go far

“go poof” takes away from the seriousness of the danger a bit

“Can we” – didn’t M just see V’s claws go right through? Either he somehow doesn’t see that, or it’s very weird that he keeps thinking she is real afterward

P3. “operant conditioning” – the second part of the paragraph feels out of place and I can’t put my finger on exactly why. Maybe because the narration is sort of informal until then, and the terminology jumps out unexpectedly, or perhaps because it’s a blanket statement that feels removed from the urgency of the current situation, not sure.

P4. “I need to be punished” – a little too blunt for a kid

“go right through her” – why didn’t J attempt to use the knife or just touch her before? Could be a convincing argument A isn’t real for anyone but M, save J the need to argue

“leap into motion” – I assume these two are close to the exit ahead of J and M? Could be useful to clarify.

P5. “with my knife” – it might be really tricky to strike down a flock of birds with a knife, especially if there are many

“Why are you” – a battle is an odd place to have this conversation

“doesn’t mean” – the line is a bit too cheesy for my tastes

P6. “That good kids” – nice

P7. “you’re the only one” – it’s probably explained in earlier chapters, but why can’t J and his friends just haul M out and explain later? Why do they have to convince him then and there?

“Then the world” – ah, so you don’t need to go through the exit? Just kill the moonster and you are out? But then why were they running to the exit?

P8. “what happened” is used twice in the same paragraph

P9. “the actual hard work” – again, this was probably explained before, but how exactly did K and V fight the pigeons off? Also knives?

P11. “before leaving with Valencia” – didn’t her mom bring V dinner too?

“You were invisible” – oh, okay

Overall: I like the pacing and the setting is very original and interesting. I would like to know more about this mysterious labyrinth, its origins, and its rules. I’m curious about whether or not they’ll find a way to destroy it. If there is one thing I would tweak, it’s adding some subtlety to the dialogue. It seems psychology is the theme of the story, but the way everyone talks freely, openly, and directly about their feelings feels a bit artificial at times. Some playfulness, sarcasm, or reservations here and there might help shake it up. Other than that, good work!

[K. Preston]

AOH,

 

I really like your segment here. The emotional turmoil M is experiencing works well, and for this story comes off naturally. That push and pull of it has wonderful interplay through J's eyes. Honestly, I think it has better depth than the scene with M's dad. 

Okay, this statement is kind of for everyone. I don't feel comfortable deep delving into the lines an author has chosen. Maybe they work, maybe they don't. That's more of an editors job and today there are thousands of ways of having that checked. I prefer to focus on the general prose, immersion, and the overall story being told. If a dialogue choice seems off I might call attention to it, but rarely. 

So as I go:

The whole escape scene captured me. I was rooting for J to find a way to get through to M. When he did, I found it very satisfying. You even gave me just enough of the status of K and V for me to keep me invested in their struggle. 

After that, I felt the movement of the story was fluid and made sense. It was a welcome break after the battle to breathe a little. Nothing seemed out of place.

K and J's scene perfectly captures the YA romance and fits their arc. If there is any revision needed though it's in here. The scene plays out decently, but I feel it lacks the payoff I was hoping for. I think something that would enhance it would be physical reactions. What body language is occurring. The slump of shoulders, eyes cast down, hands fidgeting. Even through J's eyes, it could relate the reader to the moment. 

 

Good work

 

KP