K. Preston

Thank you MD, Between this critique and your previous, I have a good idea where to turn back and revise. A quick backstory. I wrote this book over two years ago. I was fairly new to writing and very unfamiliar with show versus tell, immersion, and flow. It seems obvious now when I read the originals and see a ton of unnecessary exposition, sudden shifts, and random details jump out at me. I realize this doesn't make me good, I am just more aware. However, I still suffer from a writer's viewpoint and can be blind to things that truly make a story interesting. I love my characters, tropes and all, and very seldom am able to see them as boring or bland. Cress is my MC and although I think I eventually get her to a point that readers would care, I didn't see how slow that progression was. So, to all who have been reading, my sincerest apologies. Yet, ANOTHER chapter 1 (along with a few others) will be worked on. Lol, no biggie. These will lean more to something a few of you have mentioned. A few fully revised scenes that, I hope, will make her character competent, proactive, and deep. Proof of my growth, in a way, is Chapter 7 was written recently. I wanted to expound on M, and integrate more of him into the book. Oh, how I loved his direction and added quirks. Your comments on him are both welcome and satisfying. They make me consider him much more closely fleshed out. I feel I hit my Marc. (Pun intended) This has left me in a difficult place. I am integrating scenes and chapters into a story that I feel needed heavy revision. I took this challenge on and began pushing through chapter after chapter. Cutting, fixing, and revising so many boggy points till I felt I had gotten the book closer to a readable degree. I have a few betas, mostly family, that have enjoyed it with their admittedly filtered lenses. Their feedback is mildly helpful. I then started submitting some of this into this forum. Your feedback (all of you) has been difficult to swallow at times. I appreciate everyone's line by line, but honestly, I NEED big picture comments. Do the characters draw you to them? Do you feel immersed in the scene? Where are you losing interest? It can be difficult to filter through a breakdown when I am constantly saying "that's a red herring", "that is part of the mystery.", "I can't change or answer that, because it gives away the plot", etc..." So, I truly appreciate everyone's taking the time to read and comment. For the time being, I am going to stop submitting scenes from GAtG. I will still submit in upcoming weeks. I have a story I am working on (a few actually), that hopefully will suffice till I feel my book is back on track. Thank you for giving me a perspective that opens up my vision. I needed it. Sincerely, KP

Hope this finds everyone well. It's been a week. Hope you like it.

May I have a slot this week?

Thank you MD, MFR. I am so sorry. That last line was a place holder. I don't like it, have never liked it, and only left it because the original scene had too much introspection, and I dropped it in to feel better about moving to the next scene. Okay let's see if I can do this real quick. [New ending lines of Chapter 3] Cressida paused. “I don’t know.” It was honest and clear. The best place to start. A new urgency had filled her and could not be delayed. Her body responded and she walked to her bathroom. A moment later, the shower's streaming water pattern dominated the silence. Steam surrounded her and cleared her skin while aching muscles released tension in response to the warm water cascading over her. It allowed her to focus. Aside from the desire to answer why her father had been killed, an equally important question took hold. Who had bought the contract? The quickest way to get that answer was straight from the Veil. To get to him she needed to know what progress was being made pursuing him. She sighed. It would probably be best to start with Marc. Maybe, it will be a quick conversation? As she got dressed, the idea of Marc helping her turned more and more into an unrealistic expectation. By the time she was standing at her door, ready for action. She had decided to still go see him, but ultimately resolved, that to remain stagnant waiting for him or anyone else to solve this mystery, was something she couldn't do. With a step that would define her from this moment forward, Cressida crossed over her threshold. She was going to get answers. Hope that helps a little. As for the world environment, I will try and add a tad bit more, but most of it was in Chapter 1. Thanks for taking the time to read my work. KP

Hello all, I hope you like where the story is going. Here is the recap again: Our setting was on planet Selma. A mountainous planet. We introduced our protagonist, Princess Cressida. And she has just witnessed an assassin (known as a Veil) break into her father's room, fight several highly trained guards, and kill her father. (VERY Tropey KP. You sure you wrote a Sci-Fi?) Due to some well-placed critiques, (thanks again AOH and GR) it is under a small revision. Here are the basics that will be explained, that were not well established in the original submission. Cressida lost her mother to a fire when she was five (shown in a MUCH shorter dream sequence). It was on the royal yacht during the king and queen's anniversary. NOTE: This affects a couple character arcs. Cressida was betrothed, while her mother was pregnant with her, to solidify a peace treaty between Selma and Lurellia (a same galaxy planet) to end a brutal war and long-standing feud. An accident killed her betrothed and his family shortly after her birth. To ensure the peace treaty remains, The Canton of Worlds (A universal governing body), sanctions an amendment clause that changes her betrothal to a coronation to make her a princess of Lurellia. The Veil or Veiled, are essentially highly trained mercenaries. Taken to a planet as orphans and raised within Monastery Order like schools. As adults they are hired out by contract to fulfill tasks that range from, assassination to instructional combat training. I am looking forward to getting you all to the unfolding plot. It will really get going after this week. Good reading, KP

Silk, May I have a slot this week? KP

AOH, I really like your segment here. The emotional turmoil M is experiencing works well, and for this story comes off naturally. That push and pull of it has wonderful interplay through J's eyes. Honestly, I think it has better depth than the scene with M's dad. Okay, this statement is kind of for everyone. I don't feel comfortable deep delving into the lines an author has chosen. Maybe they work, maybe they don't. That's more of an editors job and today there are thousands of ways of having that checked. I prefer to focus on the general prose, immersion, and the overall story being told. If a dialogue choice seems off I might call attention to it, but rarely. So as I go: The whole escape scene captured me. I was rooting for J to find a way to get through to M. When he did, I found it very satisfying. You even gave me just enough of the status of K and V for me to keep me invested in their struggle. After that, I felt the movement of the story was fluid and made sense. It was a welcome break after the battle to breathe a little. Nothing seemed out of place. K and J's scene perfectly captures the YA romance and fits their arc. If there is any revision needed though it's in here. The scene plays out decently, but I feel it lacks the payoff I was hoping for. I think something that would enhance it would be physical reactions. What body language is occurring. The slump of shoulders, eyes cast down, hands fidgeting. Even through J's eyes, it could relate the reader to the moment. Good work KP

Thank you so much GR and AOH, I will try and answer some of what is going on in my head. AOH, I think I limited myself by only providing one chapter. There is some more unfolding in the next few chapters that shed a little more light on what is going on. I can't remember (and am too lazy to open the old file), how long the very first draft was, but I think it was near 6k words. So, scenes have been broken off. Currently as their own short chapters. Partially to give me the option to expand them if needed the other to ease into the unfolding story. I guess we'll see. That being said, I am glad to hear both of your opinions on this one. I have been chewing on the dream sequence for a while and only altered it a bit here and there. It was maybe a few days before I submitted this, that I asked myself why I leave it so damn long? I originally modeled it after an actual dream I had, and figured "follow that structure." Why I felt that made it more realistic or seemed to work for C's characterization? I can't answer at this point. It's a drag and you confirmed this. I'll probably just shorten it considerably. The vagueness surrounding the assassin and his purpose is deliberate. It will play out through the story. GR, I also agree that his observations can be cleaned up. I am not sure how I want to approach it yet, but that shouldn't be too difficult. I can see how the universe through his eyes works and also doesn't. As I had said in my email, this is a Sci-fi at its core and I had wanted to, at the very least, paint enough of that picture in the beginning chapter. However, this turned into a lot of info dumps. I was losing myself in my chapters trying to expo this futuristic universe. So, what you are going to get is a larger scale story that in reality could be told on earth among nations and continents versus planets and galaxies. I am at peace with this and if you can give me that easy way out, I would appreciate it. As far as I've been told, the story seems to work and doesn't need more than the gadgets and tech I seed throughout to tell it. As for the exposition that is possibly needed. i.e. C's betrothal, the Canton, and why the assassination? This is something I will need to look into among my other betas. Since they have been given almost half the book and can tell me if they don't get their questions answered fast enough. Give me a couple weeks and if it is still a conundrum, ask me and I'll provide the world/universe building document that lays out how we get to page one. Off this topic. AOH, I have not read The Way of Kings... Yet! I read the Mistborn trilogy, and to date, it is one of my top five favorite series. I am a fan of Brandon Sanderson and will eventually pick up TWoK. Aside from my practice with prompts on building scenes or writing short stories, I am an avid listener of his lectures and have felt my style grow into something much more refined than my first attempts at writing. Will I actually publish something? This story? Who knows? My other fantasy stuff might be cleaner and work better. I just like writing. Enough of that. Thank you so much for your input. I'll be asking for another slot this week. Sincerely, KP

Hello GR, For repaying the favor of reading my work, here is what I have for yours. Honestly, I have only followed your full story in bits and pieces, so I relied more on the cliff notes you provided to keep in step. First off, I like the fourth wall break, and the outside world involved entities. I surmise that this will deepen the arc, and be an important part of the rest of the story. Secondly, I have an affinity for the calm-relaxed professional personality of both B and L. It adds mystery and charm simultaneously and I think works for these characters. Now, I need to state, that I dislike critiquing work more than I can handle receiving it. So, please do not take this as some expert opinion. These are just my immediate observations as I read. Also, I am not going to search out specific areas and will only provide pages if needed. This is a general overview of things that I noticed. 1. Your G POV shifts jump rapidly from him to what seems to be L's. It is hard to follow. If this whole chapter is being narrated by G, then I suggest keeping his voice in descriptive areas to maintain that he is telling the story. If it is not, then I suggest scene breaks. 2. I found it hard to feel inside each scene with your characters. For instance, L is in a pub. What does she see? Is there any noisy ambiance? What all is around her? I think you'll find that by providing one or two immersive details, you bring the reader not just into the moment but also sitting right next to your character. Example: "Within the HH pub, a hushed quiet din held over the few patrons. Only disturbed by the occasional thump of a drink being sat down, or the clink of glass bottles being shoved back onto their shelves. L sat absently drawing a ring around the rim of her beer while resting her head in her hand. Barely altering this position each time her thirst demanded that she grip her mug, lift it to her mouth, and let the pungent hops waft into her nostrils and drain down her throat." Forgive my forwardness. You provide good character description and dialogue. My suggestion is simply to immerse the scene a little more. Caveat; if this G narrating, then have him describe a bit more. 3. Lastly, there are a few moments that seem choppy or don't flow together. I understand that F is gender-fluid, but on a few occasions, I didn't know if it was F or L that was doing something. Because of the G narration, it is difficult to tell if we are getting character introspection or a description from his POV. This seems to happen in Pgs. 14-17. Okay, that's it. I am intrigued by L and what is happening with her and B. The sudden arrival of F and L's calling out to M add dimension to the story. I am curious to know what happens next. Good job. KP

Hello, If you are here, I am hoping that means you have read my email submission. Despite heavy revision, it being an old submission originally is a little daunting. I get too tied to my stories and can't help feeling anxious. I want people to like it. Deep breath. But here we go. Remember my three points. 1. When did you lose interest? 2. Did you feel immersed in the scenes? 3. What moment best stands out? And let me have it. <shudder> Thanks for reading KP

It has been a while, but I would like a slot. Is it tomorrow or the 31st?

Oooo. I like it. I look forward to R's reveal. That being said it might be a little too subtle. It works well in the scene as normal weather occurrences.

It has been a few since the last time I was here, and I see I have missed so much. I understand your feelings about a rough draft, and stressing over characters and how they come across. I say that because I honestly like your character interactions. R, Z, Y, and Re feel very real. In this chapter only R's mom seems a little flat. Her concern sounds fake and not very understanding. Or at least that is my opinion. I am horrible at reading and writing comments so I am still rereading for another time as I write this. Pg 2. "Her face was hot enough to melt snow." I love the imagery here, but simultaneously feel this adds something to the scene unintentionally. The paragraph seems to be painting a picture of a cold autumn with dry leaves and chilly winds. If am wrong than this is me just missing something. Pg 2. Same paragraph as above you mention the 'breeze picked up' twice. Pg 3. Okay I definitely feel like I am missing something. Is there significance to Z working with potions? R's notice captures the attention, but it is not revisited in the chapter. Pg 5. L asking about the mouse and then answering the question himself seems a little off. Why did he ask if he knew? Pg 6. R's mother taking "gulping" breaths doesn't seem to fit. It gives the impression of someone struggling to breathe such as someone held underwater for too long. "Deep breaths" should work just fine for someone emotionally perturbed. Pg 7. R gulping for air seems to make more sense. I can almost envision her holding her breath during her mother's tirade waiting for the threat she knew was coming. There are a few things in Chapter 11 that I like. When Y and Re ask in unison about the dream R had and she never really answers them. Like real conversations. Same goes for the docent that is to nervous to report the water and roaches. Nice relatable additions. I always enjoy reading your stuff. Keep up the good work. K.P.

Thanks again everyone, I am so sorry for all the POV switches. It is honestly the last chapter like that, as all the others are solely written from one character perspective per scene. My only excuse is that both of these were written earlier in my writing journey, and I was too stubborn to admit defeat. This chapter originally bounced back and forth between them. It also has two other versions. One completely from C's POV and the other from M's. I dislike them because I feel there is something lost between M and C, but I will try and fix it. regardless, I am changing it all. This chapter will move. I am currently writing a whole new chapter 2 and will move this somewhere else. @Cathy Lim You have touched on an area I do want to get across. C is being overprotected and hates it. It plays into her psyche and future decisions. Along with that, she does reach this self-reflection quick, and it works to how self-aware I want her to be. Is it realistic? Not really, but I think I can afford the hit on this one. Her desire to change is supposed to bring about the MC we see from here on out. No, it is not common, but you would be surprised. Besides it works for the scene. @Ace of Hearts Probably because nothing else precedes this portion of the story it does come across as C is after boys. After I move this and modify it I hope it is understood that she desires freedom and is willing to break some rules to exercise it when she gets the chance. If nothing else, I want her to be defiant and strong willed. @Mandamon All the stiff dialogue is slowly getting redone along with improving my show. I won't lie, it is hard. however, this is still exhilarating as I observe the story trapped for so long come slowly to life.

What proofreading options do you have turned on in Word? I have it fairly strict to include looking for passive voice and adverbs. It does seem to miss things randomly here and there.

Quick question, Does anyone use, know, or have information on the two popular editing programs (prowritingaid, and grammarly) I am currently only using MS Word. What I am curious about is knowing how much more they add beyond Word and also if they can assist with creative writing styles? As I am sure most of you that have read my submissions know, my grammar is randomly poor, and my ability to proofread it is not much better. That is not my only reason for asking. I just want to take my current and future work to the next level, and despite all your helpful critiques, I could end up editing till the next decade. Thanks K.P.

I am liking your story and find it intriguing. I am definitely interested in knowing more about Z and R. Ok so as I read: Pg1. I understand that Z's nausea is linked somehow to his beads and training, but honestly have no idea how or why. Maybe this is just me. Pg2-5. I agree with @ginger_reckoning on the magic system. I would like to know more about it and cant wait to see it in action. Pg6. "Somehow he pulled Z to his feet." On my first read I thought K was weak and small, on my second I realized that Z is still recovering. Pg8. I am not sure if Z is leery of K or seeing something of himself in K within the second to last line. I realize that I am behind because there are characters and knowledge that I am not familiar with from your first book. I guess that puts me at a disadvantage with what is happening so far, but don't worry I am not bothered by it. I am enjoying things so far and look forward to another chapter. Good luck K.P.

Hey Everyone, Hope this does not frustrate you all, but this chapter is a flashback. It is labeled as Chapter 2 but is potentially going to be moved if not removed. It's purpose was to flesh out both C and another character that plays into her story. I personally like it and found it helpful to establish personalities and it was easy to springboard off it when it came to other elements later on. The reason you're getting this is because this will be it for a while. Due to a busy schedule outside of writing, I won't be able to submit for a couple weeks. Not to mention that I left the last chapter with some work to do. This will be applied to Chapter 3 and 4 and potentially create another chapter. Fun stuff, and that is not sarcasm. Hope you enjoy it. Sincerely K.P.

Everyone, Thank you so much. I have put quite a few notes and plans together based off what feedback you have given me. Especially the feedback on exposition. I have a hard time feeling out what needs to be known and when it needs to be known that this chapter's poor flow became the result. @Silk No, sadly my unplanned Shakespeare reference is only mirrored by C's nobility and name. Her name actually comes from my first car. Concerning your grammatical note about sentence fragments. Frankly I hate them. I write them because when I free write, I write to get the thought on paper. Then, when I go back and try fixing everything I get lost in the mess and read them out loud the way I want them to sound and not the correct way. @ginger_reckoning, @Cathy Lim, @Yuliya. I like your predictions and am apologizing now. First because the clues given lead to something completely different. Second because I use it like a fishing lure. Constantly throwing it out and dragging it back. Some of you will probably be disappointed. We shall see. Okay, so I do not plan to resubmit this chapter after this next round of editing and will simply summarize it briefly. 1. I am removing the early assassin POV and toning down the exposition for the mansion and city. 2. C's age is 22 and that will be apparent a lot earlier. Along with this her dream will be less choppy. (The sudden shifts of real dreams does not make clear reading.) 3. The action will be more active and less descriptive. This should make it seem more real time, and less foggy or dreamy. 4. M's scene will not have as much extra exposition. (I have a new scene a couple chapter's later that can take on the majority of these through actual dialogue.) 5. My intended hook of C beginning her own investigation and us following her will be altered slightly. I will make her intentions a little clearer and add some weight to her plans. - I purposefully wrote it to be at the end of the chapter as some of you have noticed, and based on your feedback I feel some of you had to work to get that far. This one leaves me in a conundrum. I was hoping that the earlier scenes had enough pull to make this work. At this point I am concerned about the possibility this could be a put-the-book-down kind of problem. I will have to play around with this. Okay so those are going to be the big changes. I will adjust some of the other things you mentioned, but will leave a lot of it intact as was seen. Again thank you everyone. This has been a busy week and I feel bad having not been able to read and respond to all your amazing work. I will at least try and read them to keep up with your stories. Appreciatively, K. P.

I would like a slot again please.

First off thank you thank you thank you. When I said I was tired of reading this, this is exactly why. You caught so many little things that my mind had just started reading over without picking up bad punctuation or loss of prose. Your fresh eyes have given me some work, but the good kind. Thank you for mentioning what it felt like to read so much exposition. I was not comfortable with where it sat at times and honestly took a bunch out. I hope to clean it up with a new chapter and cut this chapter down a bit. I have some questions I will address at the end if you don't mind. This actually goes for anyone that reads this response. So please feel free to PM me or even reply here. Originally, I wanted sound to be the only subject of the whole opening, and somehow it transformed into a character POV. Not sure yet how I am going to fix that. "Wealth" yep... Supposed to be a city KNOWN for two reasons. <sigh> This one is killing me. I started with onomatopoeia and did not like it, though I use it later. Then tried it with a brief description (No 'suddenly'), felt it had no grasp. Also agree with you and don't like the way it reads now... I will find a way. Agreed. Will be fixed as I intend to adjust my exposition as discussed. Everything you pointed out has helped give me a good guide for this chapter. I wont change everything, but have a good idea where it is lacking now. I have a few questions if you please. I know POV is a hot topic and I promise it becomes one person in most chapters after this with a few exceptions, hopefully ones that will be understood when seen. Sanderson has mentioned in a lecture that a POV shift can be okay if it happens smoothly and the reader can follow. I get the impression mine is not. My questions are; How do you like to give a different character's introspection when it assists your plot? and What makes a smooth transition in your opinion?

Hello All, Okay so here is my first submission. A little nerve wracking, but I will get through it and hopefully not throw my manuscript in the trash. Okay, just kidding. I love where it's at and have been slowly editing it. This chapter has been in my vision for a little over a week now and honestly I am tired of looking at it. My systematic approach to editing it broke down along with the author (I cried in the bathroom curled up in the fetal). This is officially draft #3 and unofficially draft #117 or something like that. I mention all this because with all the writing, reading, and plotting I am sure I missed something. MS Word suggested punctuation changes enough to have me second guessing how each sentence reads (I am just too close to the story). So if you come across something that is unclear because of a missing comma, semi-colon, or whatever let me know. As we get started. Here are some prologue-ish things to help. Let me know if you think it needs these elements in the story. Thousands of years in the future humans have made it off earth. They never discovered intelligent life and are now the only space faring life among the stars. After establishing colonies across large swaths of universe many planets established political rule through one ruling family or families for each planet. Thus restarting monarchies and modified aristocratic hegemonies. This is overseen by a universal government system. Despite what it seems this has worked well and you can go safely into this story without expecting that to be a plot point. Also don't get married to the title. I have no idea what to call this and have simply referred to it as my MC's story up till today. What you see in the naming convention is merely something combining ideas. Thanks again, hope you like it. K.P.

Please give me a slot as well.

First off wow. I missed reading the first chapter (I know I could go back, but am to lazy) and have read this without probably a lot of context. That being said, I tried not to delve critically into your worldbuilding, and instead focused on how the story moved. I felt it moved great. It was not hard to follow what was happening as it went, and I liked the premise so far. Pg3. "You did not ask me to." I note that he still didn't ask him to. What outside of throwing up prompted action. It may be just me, but it feels like M should be able to pick up on A's feelings better and thus offer better support. Basically I want to know better why their relationship seems a little strained. Pg7. I thought C and A were both on the inside of the fence? Pg8. "Soon, he heard a repeated, muffled thumping sound, accompanied by a pathetic groan." This gives me an image of something much more rapid and less violent then when it is revealed. just a suggestion example; "A heard several muffled strikes against flesh followed by pathetic groans." Pg8. "... drank in many details at once." I like this. Pg9. It would be nice to know a little bit more about the anger and hatred that drives the humans to attack the mil. Pg10. "... the muscles in his shoulder and elbow stretched and ripped." I think I know what you are doing and I am now very concerned for A when he uses his power. Very nice. Pg11. I love when A shouts out loud. It demonstrates how emotional he is getting with M. Overall: I think it is well done. Again I am not reading with all the context so take anything in my comments that was answered with a grain of salt. I base my like off of how much I want to know more of the story and can promise that I will catch up with the first chapter before reading any other submissions. Good job. K.P.

Sorry this is late. So, I will try to answer both your questions and what I felt of the chapter. First off I liked it. I can agree with everyone about the dream. Because R does not remember it, I think it lost its meaning on me. Otherwise I know it is poignant to your protagonist and will have deeper meaning for us later on. I am just not sure where it will fit at this time. I am not good at the As I go (I read the pages two times before writing this), but her we go. As I go (went): Pg4. Something about the way R is experiencing the apple sensations seems out of order with the descriptions. Pg5. You seem to set up a conflict between R and T but then shrug it off with R doesn't know what to think of her. T is tough, a little more showy, and more outspoken than R. If there is more to this, it is set up fine. I am just wondering if you could expound on R's wariness of T and why to kind of even out the flow. Pg6. I kind of want to know more about Z's motivation for skipping lessons is and what it means for him. Overall: I love your dialogue and how natural it sounds. I think the chapter has good pace and I like it so far. One thing for now is that I can honestly say it has not gripped me yet. That is not to say that I would not read any further. It is intriguing enough to go another chapter. I just mean I don't have any emotional attachment to any particular character or premise at this point.