Mental health club!

[Shatter He/Him]

1 hour ago, Spark of Hope said:

Y’all

Listen to this song, and if you like it,

This artist, the music from 2024 on. I honestly haven't listened to anything before that but it was with a record, his newer stuff is away from a label.

https://open.spotify.com/track/6XaRzGJgCgh7XHl5vnYbEW?si=UobhGcgGSFu_4-9VXDiBZA&context=spotify%3Aprerelease%3A1zIKSizQYBx0PBvSCPFQbg

Also, if you like instrumental music, listen to Alezeia. They make cosmere-related music and I like it a lot for calming down and stuff.

[Keke They/he]

1 hour ago, alittleinsane said:

*hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs hugs*

May I suggest starting to just do what you need to do to feel more like real you in a space where no one will tell your parents? Most of the other queer people I know who aren’t or weren’t out to their parents were out to a circle of friends/people who they trusted not to tell. It may seem a bit like lying to your parents and denying parts of your identity, but it’s also kinda just like rehearsing in the mirror before you say something important. Hope this helps, more hugs are always available!

I am out with my friends. They are all accepting and/or a part of the community themselves.

thanks

[KnightSkye Reforged They/Them]

27 minutes ago, The Shattered Cosmere said:

Also, if you like instrumental music, listen to Alezeia. They make cosmere-related music and I like it a lot for calming down and stuff.

You listen to Alezeia too!? Yay!!

Spoiler

...I know only a few cosmere irl, and only one of them is a stormlight fan, so I am pleasantly surprised when I hear anyone else knows about a cosmere related thing.

...despite that being the reason I joined the Shard.

 

Edited February 24, 2025 by KnightSkye

[Through The Living Glass She/They]

17 minutes ago, Thee insane said:

I am out with my friends. They are all accepting and/or a part of the community themselves.

thanks

[Shatter He/Him]

32 minutes ago, Thee insane said:

I am out with my friends. They are all accepting and/or a part of the community themselves.

thanks

17 minutes ago, KnightSkye said:

You listen to Alezeia too!? Yay!!

They just released a new song!

[MirkerLurker she/her]

...Holy Muffins, Batman, there's been a lot of content posted on here since I last had time to properly sit down and listen to y'all. 
I'm gonna respond to things in spoiler boxes, because this is gonna be a massively long post. Sorries in advance!
(Side note: If you don't see me on or responding for a while, it's because I want to give you guys real attention and not barely-half-thought-through responses, so I don't come on unless I have time to properly listen and think and respond. It's not cuz I don't care - quite the opposite!)

 

@Heřãłðøfľõvê

Spoiler

 

On 2/20/2025 at 11:00 AM, Ħęřãłðøfľõvê said:

Hey guys uhm I don’t rly talk on here very often but I’m going to talk to you guys abt this bc practically all my other friends know the people im talking abt so uh yah here it goes Basically one of my best friends is having a mental breakdown and I learned this from a different friend who she told and she posted something about it on her TikTok but she hasn’t even read my gm text and I’m rly worried abt her but im also crying that she doesn’t feel like I can help or she can trust me.But I feel bad bc she’s having a breakdown and I’m thinking abt myself. And I don’t know what to do bc I care abt her so much and at the end of the day my number one priority is for her to be ok but when she doesn’t tell me this stuff my first thought is that I a) did something wrong or b) am not a good friend. *sigh* luv you guys

"I feel bad bc she's having a breakdown and I'm thinking abt myself" - It's ok and normal to have your own struggles in response to others' struggles. Go ahead and think about it - it's healthy to process your response and listen to your emotions, in part so you can grow, and in part so you can see and identify them and then temporarily set them aside when you need to listen to someone else's emotions. If we don't take the time to properly listen to and identify our own emotions, we often don't realize when they're overlaying how we hear and interpret what other people tell us. Which...

On 2/20/2025 at 5:59 PM, Ħęřãłðøfľõvê said:

Uh update ig I talked to a friend abt it this is what they said 

you seem to pick and choose when your worried abt “friend” like for some stuff that super bad your just liek “ ok she’ll be fine” and with other stuff that isn’t really that bad most of the time you freak out after we’ve resolved it

so yup I didn’t realize I did that and now I feel even worse

...it sounds like your other friend thinks you sometimes do. I can't comment on whether you actually do or not - just that your friend's comment about you "picking and choosing" when you worry about [other friend] sounds to me like you sometimes respond to [other friend] with the (unseen accidental) assumption that she responds to things the same way you do, that she feels the same way (whether worried or not worried) as you would in that situation. How often do you ask [other friend] (or any friend) "How does that make you feel?" when they tell you about something? (Or some similar question - you don't have to use the cliche therapist question haha. Even "That sounds frustrating - is it?" opens the door to hearing how they feel instead of how we feel.)
In regards to feeling worse: You're human, your friends are too, and humans always have misunderstandings and mistakes that we have to work through. Use feeling worse to motivate you to ask "How can I do better?"
And don't beat yourself up over it. Misunderstandings are normal, and while having to work through them feels awful, it can also lead to stronger relationships. *hug*
I hope this doesn't come off as sounding harsh. First off, remember that I'm not close to this situation - I don't know nearly as much about is as you do, I'm making guesses based off limited information, so take everything I say lightly and if it doesn't seem to fit, go ahead and discard it. I'm wrong all the time, especially when making guesses. I offer my thoughts in case they are helpful - heck, even if I'm entirely wrong but it got you thinking and you have new realizations because of that, then there we go. And secondly, I want you to feel supported, to see that people are reaching out to help you. If my words here don't do that, then drop them!

 

 

@Thee insane, Your video animation is adorable.

Also:
 

Spoiler

On 2/21/2025 at 11:43 PM, Thee insane said:

Do yall get this to?

Person: omg your so mopey and said bad stuff about yourself all the time. Ugh

Then later 

Me: hey I think I look really cute rn

Person: that's so prideful/egotistical omg have some humility.

Me trying to figure out the math of them. : HEH?

Every single person has different standards than the next person over.  Don't try to match them all. Good lord, don't try to match them all. And every single person has differing standards within their own head. The math will never work out. It just won't.

 

15 hours ago, Thee insane said:

Hehehhhhh

I hate this 

Double update: Ok so I walk into my mom's room. She goes "[real name] are you sure that's the only reason why? Your not trying to look like a boy or shrink your size." I go "yeah." But I dknt lie i normally bend the truth. Buuttttt j just straight up lied... to both my parents cause my dad then asked and I said the same thing.

*hides face jn shame* I hate thissssss please make it stopp

Lying is tough. I don't have good advice for this. Just hugs. *hug*
I have a strong "lying always makes things worse" instinct. I also spent my teenager years compulsively lying about anything that might make me stand out in the wrong way. And then panicking and feeling like a terrible person for doing so. Sooooo. Yeah.
I've worked on it a lot and don't lie anymore, but I'm also now in a lifestage where I'm rarely in a place where someone else can upend my entire life if I'm honest about controversial things. I don't have parents in charge who can kick me out or ground me or anything like that. 
I have still had to be honest about some things that caused problems; don't get me wrong, it hasn't been easy. But it's not the same kind of situation either.

 

@alittleinsane

Spoiler

On 2/20/2025 at 9:42 PM, alittleinsane said:

Feeling a little better (from the swimming lessons thing) bc I spent like over an hour making a map on inkarnate that combines all the worlds/countries in the little book concepts/failed books i lost motivation on for my precious little OCs, and then explained some of it to my friend (who hasn't responded but it's ok they're doing homework) (unlike me) (sos) and it is wonderful

it is beautiful

i should be a bondsmith because i just did some UNITING y'all

now watch me let all of this hard work and time go to waste by not ever writing about it

It is not wasted! It helped you feel better and it got your brain moving and working. An object in motion wants to stay in motion; a brain that's moving wants to keep moving. It's legitimately useful to get your brain going, even if you got it going with a non-essential task. And it helped your mood, which is important! Also, I saw the map and the country descriptions, the map is cool and the different nations sound super interesting. Thanks for sharing it!

 

@N̶̝̦͝u̶͇̠͒́l̷̺͇͔̩̯̆͜l̸̾̿̓̚

Spoiler

On 2/22/2025 at 2:57 AM, N̶̝̦͝u̶͇̠͒́l̷̺͇͔̩̯̆͜l̸̾̿̓̚ said:

Howdy y'all, I'm kinda just here on my soapbox today to share something interesting that developed over the last little bit

Trigger warning: topics of SH and other such topics

  Hide contents

It's been a LONG 4 years. I've had a lot of downs, and reached the lowest I've ever been a few years back. I wanted to just go. I had a friend grab me and pull me away from a street. I had issues, running dull blades on my hands and arms, all such things as a depressed person would do. I put on face, I did an act. It was hell. Fast forward a year, and I got to high school. I was stressed beyond belief. My old friend group had just broken up and I had a lot on my plate at the time. I found most of my happiness in my work, and what I did then. The people, the support system, working, doing things, it made me feel great. But that only lasted for so long. Fast forward another year, to my Junior year of high school. I REALLY hoped things would be like the year before. They weren't. The old system in my Tech Crew was gone, as our heads had all graduated and left to do their things. Our new leader... treated us all like crap. Especially me. I just sunk again. During that fall show, I met a girl that Iliked, and "dated" (not really) for like a month, then some crap went down, she called me a lot of things behind my back, and I ended up breaking it off. I was beyond hurt. I just couldn't, and I had just opened myself up emotionally again. That's when I went to another girl to vent and just let it all out. She just listened. It was really nice. I got to a point of comfort where I wanted to see if she had anything. Anything at all. I learned a lot that New Year's Eve. I found someone who didn't just say what I wanted to hear, she said what I needed to hear. I hope I did that vice-versa. Move forward a few days, and I told this girl I had been absolutely crushing on her over that winter break. I panicked almost the whole day, given she wasn't able to respond till later that night. She told me she liked me too. I was shaking to the point of exhaustion, and almost passed out when I saw that message. I ended up asking her out, and from that point on panicking at every turn, hoping not to mess things up. Best part of my life so far was the moment I started dating her. It hasn't exactly been smooth sailing, but it's definitely been the best roller coaster I've ever been on. Fast forward a few months to Senior year. The year did not start off well.  A lot happened, and people fought, and caused a lot of problems. I almost quit tech. I was so close. But I endured. We lost 8 people at the end of the semester, and it was not great, but also really good at the same time. A lot of the toxicity left with the old leadership. I started feeling like I had a place there again. Fast forward a bit more, and at the height of the show, and my anniversary, I snap back at my mom for something after having a really crappy morning. My dad threatened to kick me out. Told me if I snap at my mom I would make a sh*t husband. I felt like absolute garbage. I was tempted to just leave. But I didn't. Between then and now, a lot happened. I got a lot of things done, I progressed a lot in what I want to do for a job, etc. Then comes the more bad news. My anxiety had never been as high as when I heard that GF didn't get accepted into college. I felt crushed, so did she. I was so scared. I didn't want to let her go. I didn't want to end up alone again. I care about her a lot. I almost never cry. I did that day. And the next. And the next. I went through a bit of an existential crisis about it all yesterday. I just broke down and almost shut down. So I sat and played games hoping to take my mind off it. It didn't work. But after I really thought about it all, I just felt... calm? I think that's right. My brain was quiet. I could think straight. I had almost 2 seperate personality types on and off my ADHD meds. But somehow, somewhere along the line yesterday something clicked. Those two types came and became one, and instead of fighting just gave me access to feel like I'm using my whole brain. I have energy, I feel overall just happier. I finally got it. I just had to put my life in perspective to understand it. I haven't ever felt this whole. It feels amazing. I feel like a person. I'm happy to be that way.

 Sorry if that was a lot, I just really needed to get that out. If you did read it, thank you. If you didn't, that's alright I fully understand. I guess I mostly did it just to get my thoughts out. I dunno. I know I feel better now though. 

 

Thanks for reading

 

And goodnight

I am so, so glad to hear that you've found a place of being settled. And honored that you chose to share that here. Thank you, for being willing to be open about that, and share your victory with us. It can be so encouraging to hear others succeeding, even if we aren't ourselves. I think it's important that this thread sees the victories and good points as well as the struggles. We're not just struggling together, we're celebrating together too. And now we get to celebrate with you!

Not to then spoil that point, but also, GO SAVE THIS TEXT SOMEWHERE. What you just wrote, go save it somewhere you can go back and reread it later. Because that feeling won't stay as strong as it is now. The foundation it's built in you, that will stay; but the emotions of it will fluctuate. And when the emotions don't feel like this, when the dark brain hits again (I hope that's not for a while), I want you to be able to pull this out and remind yourself of this foundation you've got now, and that it can and will be not just ok again, but good again. 

 

 

@echo74

Spoiler

On 2/22/2025 at 10:59 AM, echo74 said:

guys i kinda sorta had a really bad mental breakdown last night and i need to rant abt some stuff rq

school:

ok so i took a few online classes last semester but i didn't do any of the work and it's all due march 5th or i can pay $50 to extend the course and my mom has been really trying to push me to do it but i literally have no freetime anymore and im getting behind on irl school and it's really stressful

being sick:

i missed 3 days of school bc i was sick which isn't like the worst thing ever but im still sick and i could not stop coughing last night and i feel like i messed some stuff up

and also lots of people around me have been getting sick as well and i think its my fault and i feel bad but i just--- i don't know

and my teachers have been reaching out to me and sending me all the stuff i need to do bc i missed school and idk im just stressed

sleep:

i've been getting home around 10:30 each night then i have to shower and get ready for bed so i usually don't end up in bed at 11:30 on a good night, 12:30 if i dilly dally

i get up at 6:30 every morning

do the math

friends:

this one is a huge thing in my life

i don't feel like i have a lot of close friends anymore

i've ranted abt this before but like i don't feel like people really see me

or maybe they don't want to idk

but anyways im gonna rant abt a few friends in specific rn and then everyone else in general

friend 1- so apparently she was badmouthing ppl and she's said a lot of rude stuff to me in the past couple of months and she hates anyone who's popular or who dresses well and she doesn't really text me for anything but to ask for people's numbers and i'm annoyed and last night i asked her about her badmouthing one specific person and she said "i never gossip about people" which i know isn't true bc she gossips to me. all. the. time. and then she was talking to this guy who she thought was really annoying or whatever and then she realized he was attractive and changed her mind

friend 2- she hasn't done anything bad, it's more like i feel like i'm just not her friend anymore. i feel like she's super nice and sweet to everyone else but then to me i feel like she doesn't really care or maybe she doesn't want to be my friend anymore. and then i was crying last night and she was the only person there to comfort me and i don't know it was just kinda uncomfortable

friend 3- ok i actually don't have any beef with her except we were best friends at the beginning of the school year and then some stuff happened and now i think she's best friends with friend 2 which just sucks for me

and then i just feel like invisible to most people

like im there but they don't care

like they think i'm nice but only on a superficial level

not on a deep get-to-know you level

and i get it

im kinda a closed off person

i don't want other people to feel weighed down by my pain so i don't tell them anything

i hold back

i overthink

i don't tell people stuff bc i don't want them to know

that i'm weak

that i break sometimes

that im used to it

and i do

i push people away bc im scared

im scared of existing

im scared of taking up space

im scared of mattering to other people

but then im also scared of not existing

of not taking up space

of not mattering to anyone

and sometimes i feel like i'm on top of the world while other times i cry alone in my car bc i feel like i'm not enough

and i feel like i'm annoying

like most of the time actually

and im so sick and tired of feeling like that

i don't want to be sad or anxious or tired or sick or disappointed or lonely anymore

i want to feel like i belong

*hug*

You belong here. You're welcome here.

It's different than in person though, I know. 

Thank you for sharing this. I think you might be surprised how many people on here feel the same way about themselves. And even if it's not a solution, it can be freeing or reassuring to realize that other people feel that too. That we're not alone in that. But if no one voices it, no one knows. Thanks for being vulnerable. I think that's a great step for you, and also that it will encourage other people on here.

 

@Wittles

Spoiler

On 2/22/2025 at 1:39 PM, Wittles said:

Do any of you ever feel like you're just out of it? like you can't seem to communicate right because there's something that you are just completely missing?

(spoiler'd for: deranged rambling of someone who really needs to get their act together)

  Hide contents

Everyone around me seems to be doing good and they're my friends, I'm happy for them, but they all seem to just be going about doing things with their friends, who I also know. From an outside perspective, I have friends, and I'm good at making them, so I might be exaggerating when I say that I don't know how to be friends with people.

Sure I can have a good conversation, but it never really feels like I can really be a friend that is able to really connect and actually spend time with people. I spent a long time blaming myself for that, but I think it comes down to some really screwed up stuff that happened over the last few years that pushed me down a metaphorical well and quite possibly left me with PTSD and definitely made it significantly harder to trust people.

I really don't know how to be a friend to people in a way that matters, and I have no idea how to reconnect with people who've drifted away because I'm too much of a coward to speak up for myself or say anything. 

There are so many people I used to be friends with, but gradually drifted away because I don't know how to reach out. I really don't know if it's really bad anxiety or some other undiagnosed disorder, or just me being paranoid, but it feels like the few people I'm still friends with have stopped seeing me as a friend. I know it's not true but it still feels that way and it's seriously getting in the way of me doing anything to improve the relationship.

So many things came crashing down and I don't know if I can really pull anything away from the wreckage. I don't know what to do. I've gotten better, but there's still so many things I need to change if I want things to be different and it's overwhelming. This feeling will probably pass, (as it always does) until I talk to someone again and I'm reminded of how I am instead of the idealized version of me that really only lives in my head.

I don't want to be alone, but it looks like I can't bring myself to actually do anything about it, so oh well. I can always just tell myself things will be different tomorrow. Even though it's a lie, it's comfortable

 

Be kind to yourselves

Please

This resonates with me, so much.

I had a big friend group in high school. We hung out, we laughed together, we complained together, we went to school events together. But the more time went on, the more people drifted away, and just kind of disappeared. They graduated, they started hanging out more with other people. It wasn't that I never talked with people - I had conversations, I would hang out with the big group, but it didn't feel like real connection. And I realized, I never did anything outside of school with them. Like I was part of the group, but not real friends with any of them. And then I graduated, I moved on to college, and within two years I had no contact with any of my friends, ever. 

So I started trying to make new friends. Went to book clubs, social groups, mom groups (yeah I'm a mom, I know, I'm old); I tried kind of sporadically, I admit, because I'm not comfortable being social, and I'm lazy, but I did persist in trying. For years. And that discomfort only got reinforced; I went, I talked with people, I "blended in", but I always felt out of step. Like I was mimicking the behaviors around me well enough to be allowed to stay, but never felt like I was making any real connections. Like there was something I was missing, something that everybody else had that let them connect and feel emotional deep friendships, that I just...didn't have. The couple of people I felt like might actually be interested in being friends, the further conversations we tried to have were awkward, bungled, fell flat, and drifted away again. Was it something I said? Didn't say? Was there a cue somewhere that I missed? 

I wore out, tired out, gave up for a while. Despaired pretty bad. Went numb, stayed around pretty much only because my kids and husband needed me to be there, and because (this is my dark brain's cliche, not a true statement) only "bad" people do that kind of thing, so I won't do it because I don't want to be bad. (I don't think people who struggle are bad. That was some of the twisted thoughts my brain was shoving at me at the time - how I'm a bad person because I want to do bad things, etc.)

Eventually started to come awake again. Got pushed into therapy, which didn't do all that much except cue me in to the fact that I wasn't doing great at supporting my family, but it was enough that I started working at life again. Started doing things again, but this time, I didn't bother trying to make friends. I didn't go to social things. I started volunteering instead - look, maybe I'm a broken empty shell, but I'm a broken empty shell with time on my hands who's apparently going to stick around, so I may as well be a useful empty shell.

And suddenly, completely without meaning to, made a friend.

Just another person there. Another person who naturally thought and behaved and connected like I did. Who got the same jokes, who reacted in the same ways, and who I came to realize had similar struggles. Who shared the depression, the self-harm, the dark brain. A person who was at the end of their own rope, and decided to be vulnerable and throw that rope to me, to take a chance and spill some of their story in the hopes I could help. And in doing so, saved me too. And it hasn't been easy; we've hit struggles in being friends. But I would trust this person with my life, my secrets, my fears, and my joy. I have a friend. A real friend. And I legitimately wondered if that would ever happen.

I hope that encourages you, rather than making you feel worse. I want to share the hope that it can get better. But I also realize that it wasn't anything specific that I did, so I can't offer you ideas of "Hey try this, maybe it'll help." Just the hope that it can get better. That you won't be out of step with everyone, even if you're out of step with most. That there are people who are like you, and you can find them. And that even when it seems like it's been forever, like it'll never happen, it still can. Tomorrow might actually be different.

And maybe...maybe a little encouragement to take a chance on being vulnerable. With who, and where, and when, I can't say. But...it was someone else decided to be vulnerable and share their pain with me that really started that friendship. That can also backfire, so. I dunno. There's my thoughts.

And thank you, for being vulnerable here. For being willing to share what's in your head and your heart.

 

 

@The Shattered Cosmere

Spoiler

On 2/22/2025 at 11:54 PM, The Shattered Cosmere said:

I need to get some things off my chest. This will be a mess. Warning: Mentions of suicidal thoughts.

  Hide contents

About me

I'm in Grade 12, and I have high functioning autism and ADHD. I am high functioning, which means I can function in normal society, but I still have impulsivity and time management challenges. (I call them challenges and not disabilities.)

Home

This summer, I'm being kicked out of my parent's house because of my impulsivity. My parents just rub me the total wrong way sometimes. You ever get that feeling like “ARGH!!! JUST BE QUIET, PLEASE!!” but you can't say it and your stress levels go up and up and up until you explode like a bomb? That's what I. feel like so sometimes yell, and I used to hit my sisters (I never mean it, but I'm not in my brain when I 'explode'. It's like I'm sitting in the back seat, unable to do anything and only able to watch. I barely remember what happened afterwards). I've gotten much better, but my parent's still want me out.  I'm super worried even though they reassured me saying that we'll all figure out where I'll be staying etc. I'll be allowed to visit for Shabbos (the sabbath) and Yom Tovs (Jewish Holidays) but other than that I'm on my own.

College and Future

I will be going to the vet assistant program at my local college. I'll hopefully be in residence in college, but keeping Kosher will be very difficult. Kosher food is much more expensive here in the rest of Canada than in Toronto or the US. My parents will be paying for each course as I finish it, but I don't know how much they will be supporting me.

My Mental Health

I sometime just feel like I'm alone. I'm still friends with my two friends, but they seem to have gotten closer together while I was at public school (went there for Grade 10 and 11) and I can't seem to be able to get back closer to them. I used to sometimes feel suicidal and wonder what would happen if I killed myself, but I didn't go through because I love my cat. Yes. My cat convinced me to stay alive. It was that bad. I'm past that part of my life, but I'm just emotionless sometimes, but not all the time. I'm not sad, happy, or anything. I'm just empty. I feel like a vacuum or that empty box over there. You know how people say nothing is something? I don't have nothing in me and I don't have something in me. I just really need a support network, but can't find any. I just feel helpless and sad. I don't like it. Therapists don't help me because they way my brain works is that I need to know the person I'm talking to, and they just didn't help. I need to trust and know my support net. But I don't have much of one. I can't get the courage to talk to anyone else about all of it. I don't want to worry them or burden them. My parents try to help me, but they can't do it all, and they don't seem to understand.

This is the most I've ever said to anyone about this.

Staying around for your cat is just as valid as for any other reason. There is a little being that loves you. That can be enough, and it's ok if that's enough.

Uh...hmm. I dunno how much I want to write out twice, and it's probably less applicable to you, but if you read my response to Wittles up above, you'll see some of the same sentiments of being empty and alone echoed there.

I get what you mean about therapists not helping much. It was always so awkward and weird; I have no idea who this other person is, no trust in their responses. If I don't know them well, how am I supposed to trust their words? 
I'm doing better this time around, with my current therapist. I'm...uh, this might sound bad, but it's kind of also the point, I think?...I'm kind of using her for ideas, but judging them all myself; not really trying to have a relationship, but more of a guided study? Almost more like a guided internet search than a relationship. Useful for "Hmm, those ideas don't sound useful, but that one might be, I'll do some thinking on my own about how I could use it". *shrugs* But it's not nearly the same as having someone to talk to, of having a friend to talk to. That's a very different thing.

Also, you were open and vulnerable here, and thank you for that. *hug*

 

 

 

 

@Kaladin Stormcursed

Spoiler

13 hours ago, Kaladin Stormcursed said:

So I’m back at @Heraldoflove’s (who I can’t ping anymore rrgh) urging so…yeah hello again my fellow cool peoples. So I’ve been struggling lately and have been talking less for reasons I will now explain: (in a spoiler box ‘cause this is already kinda a long post, sorry ‘bout that y’all)

  Hide contents

I’ve been struggling a bit lately with my irl friends and my family and have largely stopped talking to a lot of them because (and this may be my depression acting up, or that may be a result of this—I can’t really tell) it’s been feeling like they’re telling me to just suck it up because, as a white guy, my pain doesn’t even matter.

I wanna note here that I’m not in any way trying to claim the same pain as other people. I understand that there are people who have gone through and are going through way worse stuff than I am. I just wish they’d acknowledge that I’m queer in ARKANSAS of all places.

So yeah. There’s my rambling return to this thread we’re doin’ great.

 

That's tough. Sorry you feel like you're being minimized.

It's definitely tricky to balance "Yes, my pain is real and valid" and also "No, that doesn't eclipse or minimize someone else's pain". Sorry that you don't feel well supported. *hug*

 

General note for everybody:

On 2/21/2025 at 12:53 PM, #1 Taln Fan said:

Yep I feel that  Times like those are when I recommend journaling. It's good to journal when you're feeling down, as it can help you process your emotions, but also it's good to write down the good times, so you can remember that there will be more fun days ahead. (Journaling is scientifically proven to be good for mental health, highly recommend)

*HISSSS* No journal! No! No like! *hisssss*

Ok but as much as I hate to admit it, Taln's right here, guys. It's super important to record the good times, because when you're dark or depressed, you won't be able to remember them. Not just good times, but proof of being loved, of friends caring for you, things like that. So that when your brain throws thoughts like "What if they're all faking?" you can flip through and see "Oh right, they did x and z, they wouldn't have done that if they didn't actually care". I have an irrational dislike of journaling, for no reason other than "everybody says you should", but he's right. And I have started doing so, sporadically. *sigh*

...*hisss* 

 

Fun/nonserious/happy stuff:

Spoiler

On 2/21/2025 at 8:49 AM, Wittles said:

Get hugged everyone. This is a threat

*hugs*

You can't threaten me with hugs if I hug you first! *tackles before you can reach me*
*scrambles up, grabs everyone else, and tackles them with hugs too*
Violent affection for everyone!

 

On 2/21/2025 at 10:13 AM, The Shattered Cosmere said:

My father is just like that. It is SO GODDANG ANNOYING. IT HELPS ME FOCUS. I WANT MY ALEZEIA. (They make some really nice cosmere music on Spotify. I'm addicted to their music.)

Ooh! Alezeia is great! Fantastic epic instrumental stuff. 

*reads new posts* Wait, they released a new song?! *goes to listen*

On 2/21/2025 at 10:33 AM, The Shattered Cosmere said:

I listen to this mix of soft rock (normal.), instrumental (ok…), and sea shanties (WTH?!).

I would happily hang out in a room you were playing music in, those are all genres I enjoy. 

 

On 2/21/2025 at 10:32 AM, Magi said:

OH YEAH LOL

Plus like, I can and will listen to the same song over and over again for an hour and a half, and I don't think that's considered normal behavior.

On 2/21/2025 at 10:33 AM, N̶̝̦͝u̶͇̠͒́l̷̺͇͔̩̯̆͜l̸̾̿̓̚ said:

Nah, seems normal to me. I get hooked on one song or band for like a day or so and just listen to that, then sometimes transition into a playlist it just depends on my mood lol

Guys we're in a forum for neurospicy people. "Normal" rules are out the window lol. Here on this thread, hyperfixating is normal! As is needing external stimulation like music playing in order to focus.

 

[Through The Living Glass She/They]

3 minutes ago, MirkerLurker said:

...Holy Muffins, Batman, there's been a lot of content posted on here since I last had time to properly sit down and listen to y'all. 
I'm gonna respond to things in spoiler boxes, because this is gonna be a massively long post. Sorries in advance!
(Side note: If you don't see me on or responding for a while, it's because I want to give you guys real attention and not barely-half-thought-through responses, so I don't come on unless I have time to properly listen and think and respond. It's not cuz I don't care - quite the opposite!)

 

@Heřãłðøfľõvê

  Reveal hidden contents

 

"I feel bad bc she's having a breakdown and I'm thinking abt myself" - It's ok and normal to have your own struggles in response to others' struggles. Go ahead and think about it - it's healthy to process your response and listen to your emotions, in part so you can grow, and in part so you can see and identify them and then temporarily set them aside when you need to listen to someone else's emotions. If we don't take the time to properly listen to and identify our own emotions, we often don't realize when they're overlaying how we hear and interpret what other people tell us. Which...

...it sounds like your other friend thinks you sometimes do. I can't comment on whether you actually do or not - just that your friend's comment about you "picking and choosing" when you worry about [other friend] sounds to me like you sometimes respond to [other friend] with the (unseen accidental) assumption that she responds to things the same way you do, that she feels the same way (whether worried or not worried) as you would in that situation. How often do you ask [other friend] (or any friend) "How does that make you feel?" when they tell you about something? (Or some similar question - you don't have to use the cliche therapist question haha. Even "That sounds frustrating - is it?" opens the door to hearing how they feel instead of how we feel.)
In regards to feeling worse: You're human, your friends are too, and humans always have misunderstandings and mistakes that we have to work through. Use feeling worse to motivate you to ask "How can I do better?"
And don't beat yourself up over it. Misunderstandings are normal, and while having to work through them feels awful, it can also lead to stronger relationships. *hug*
I hope this doesn't come off as sounding harsh. First off, remember that I'm not close to this situation - I don't know nearly as much about is as you do, I'm making guesses based off limited information, so take everything I say lightly and if it doesn't seem to fit, go ahead and discard it. I'm wrong all the time, especially when making guesses. I offer my thoughts in case they are helpful - heck, even if I'm entirely wrong but it got you thinking and you have new realizations because of that, then there we go. And secondly, I want you to feel supported, to see that people are reaching out to help you. If my words here don't do that, then drop them!

 

 

@Thee insane, Your video animation is adorable.

Also:
 

  Reveal hidden contents

Every single person has different standards than the next person over.  Don't try to match them all. Good lord, don't try to match them all. And every single person has differing standards within their own head. The math will never work out. It just won't.

 

Lying is tough. I don't have good advice for this. Just hugs. *hug*
I have a strong "lying always makes things worse" instinct. I also spent my teenager years compulsively lying about anything that might make me stand out in the wrong way. And then panicking and feeling like a terrible person for doing so. Sooooo. Yeah.
I've worked on it a lot and don't lie anymore, but I'm also now in a lifestage where I'm rarely in a place where someone else can upend my entire life if I'm honest about controversial things. I don't have parents in charge who can kick me out or ground me or anything like that. 
I have still had to be honest about some things that caused problems; don't get me wrong, it hasn't been easy. But it's not the same kind of situation either.

 

@alittleinsane

  Reveal hidden contents

It is not wasted! It helped you feel better and it got your brain moving and working. An object in motion wants to stay in motion; a brain that's moving wants to keep moving. It's legitimately useful to get your brain going, even if you got it going with a non-essential task. And it helped your mood, which is important! Also, I saw the map and the country descriptions, the map is cool and the different nations sound super interesting. Thanks for sharing it!

 

@N̶̝̦͝u̶͇̠͒́l̷̺͇͔̩̯̆͜l̸̾̿̓̚

  Reveal hidden contents

I am so, so glad to hear that you've found a place of being settled. And honored that you chose to share that here. Thank you, for being willing to be open about that, and share your victory with us. It can be so encouraging to hear others succeeding, even if we aren't ourselves. I think it's important that this thread sees the victories and good points as well as the struggles. We're not just struggling together, we're celebrating together too. And now we get to celebrate with you!

Not to then spoil that point, but also, GO SAVE THIS TEXT SOMEWHERE. What you just wrote, go save it somewhere you can go back and reread it later. Because that feeling won't stay as strong as it is now. The foundation it's built in you, that will stay; but the emotions of it will fluctuate. And when the emotions don't feel like this, when the dark brain hits again (I hope that's not for a while), I want you to be able to pull this out and remind yourself of this foundation you've got now, and that it can and will be not just ok again, but good again. 

 

 

@echo74

  Reveal hidden contents

*hug*

You belong here. You're welcome here.

It's different than in person though, I know. 

Thank you for sharing this. I think you might be surprised how many people on here feel the same way about themselves. And even if it's not a solution, it can be freeing or reassuring to realize that other people feel that too. That we're not alone in that. But if no one voices it, no one knows. Thanks for being vulnerable. I think that's a great step for you, and also that it will encourage other people on here.

 

@Wittles

  Reveal hidden contents

This resonates with me, so much.

I had a big friend group in high school. We hung out, we laughed together, we complained together, we went to school events together. But the more time went on, the more people drifted away, and just kind of disappeared. They graduated, they started hanging out more with other people. It wasn't that I never talked with people - I had conversations, I would hang out with the big group, but it didn't feel like real connection. And I realized, I never did anything outside of school with them. Like I was part of the group, but not real friends with any of them. And then I graduated, I moved on to college, and within two years I had no contact with any of my friends, ever. 

So I started trying to make new friends. Went to book clubs, social groups, mom groups (yeah I'm a mom, I know, I'm old); I tried kind of sporadically, I admit, because I'm not comfortable being social, and I'm lazy, but I did persist in trying. For years. And that discomfort only got reinforced; I went, I talked with people, I "blended in", but I always felt out of step. Like I was mimicking the behaviors around me well enough to be allowed to stay, but never felt like I was making any real connections. Like there was something I was missing, something that everybody else had that let them connect and feel emotional deep friendships, that I just...didn't have. The couple of people I felt like might actually be interested in being friends, the further conversations we tried to have were awkward, bungled, fell flat, and drifted away again. Was it something I said? Didn't say? Was there a cue somewhere that I missed? 

I wore out, tired out, gave up for a while. Despaired pretty bad. Went numb, stayed around pretty much only because my kids and husband needed me to be there, and because (this is my dark brain's cliche, not a true statement) only "bad" people do that kind of thing, so I won't do it because I don't want to be bad. (I don't think people who struggle are bad. That was some of the twisted thoughts my brain was shoving at me at the time - how I'm a bad person because I want to do bad things, etc.)

Eventually started to come awake again. Got pushed into therapy, which didn't do all that much except cue me in to the fact that I wasn't doing great at supporting my family, but it was enough that I started working at life again. Started doing things again, but this time, I didn't bother trying to make friends. I didn't go to social things. I started volunteering instead - look, maybe I'm a broken empty shell, but I'm a broken empty shell with time on my hands who's apparently going to stick around, so I may as well be a useful empty shell.

And suddenly, completely without meaning to, made a friend.

Just another person there. Another person who naturally thought and behaved and connected like I did. Who got the same jokes, who reacted in the same ways, and who I came to realize had similar struggles. Who shared the depression, the self-harm, the dark brain. A person who was at the end of their own rope, and decided to be vulnerable and throw that rope to me, to take a chance and spill some of their story in the hopes I could help. And in doing so, saved me too. And it hasn't been easy; we've hit struggles in being friends. But I would trust this person with my life, my secrets, my fears, and my joy. I have a friend. A real friend. And I legitimately wondered if that would ever happen.

I hope that encourages you, rather than making you feel worse. I want to share the hope that it can get better. But I also realize that it wasn't anything specific that I did, so I can't offer you ideas of "Hey try this, maybe it'll help." Just the hope that it can get better. That you won't be out of step with everyone, even if you're out of step with most. That there are people who are like you, and you can find them. And that even when it seems like it's been forever, like it'll never happen, it still can. Tomorrow might actually be different.

And maybe...maybe a little encouragement to take a chance on being vulnerable. With who, and where, and when, I can't say. But...it was someone else decided to be vulnerable and share their pain with me that really started that friendship. That can also backfire, so. I dunno. There's my thoughts.

And thank you, for being vulnerable here. For being willing to share what's in your head and your heart.

 

 

@The Shattered Cosmere

  Reveal hidden contents

Staying around for your cat is just as valid as for any other reason. There is a little being that loves you. That can be enough, and it's ok if that's enough.

Uh...hmm. I dunno how much I want to write out twice, and it's probably less applicable to you, but if you read my response to Wittles up above, you'll see some of the same sentiments of being empty and alone echoed there.

I get what you mean about therapists not helping much. It was always so awkward and weird; I have no idea who this other person is, no trust in their responses. If I don't know them well, how am I supposed to trust their words? 
I'm doing better this time around, with my current therapist. I'm...uh, this might sound bad, but it's kind of also the point, I think?...I'm kind of using her for ideas, but judging them all myself; not really trying to have a relationship, but more of a guided study? Almost more like a guided internet search than a relationship. Useful for "Hmm, those ideas don't sound useful, but that one might be, I'll do some thinking on my own about how I could use it". *shrugs* But it's not nearly the same as having someone to talk to, of having a friend to talk to. That's a very different thing.

Also, you were open and vulnerable here, and thank you for that. *hug*

 

 

 

 

@Kaladin Stormcursed

  Reveal hidden contents

That's tough. Sorry you feel like you're being minimized.

It's definitely tricky to balance "Yes, my pain is real and valid" and also "No, that doesn't eclipse or minimize someone else's pain". Sorry that you don't feel well supported. *hug*

 

General note for everybody:

*HISSSS* No journal! No! No like! *hisssss*

Ok but as much as I hate to admit it, Taln's right here, guys. It's super important to record the good times, because when you're dark or depressed, you won't be able to remember them. Not just good times, but proof of being loved, of friends caring for you, things like that. So that when your brain throws thoughts like "What if they're all faking?" you can flip through and see "Oh right, they did x and z, they wouldn't have done that if they didn't actually care". I have an irrational dislike of journaling, for no reason other than "everybody says you should", but he's right. And I have started doing so, sporadically. *sigh*

...*hisss* 

 

Fun/nonserious/happy stuff:

  Reveal hidden contents

You can't threaten me with hugs if I hug you first! *tackles before you can reach me*
*scrambles up, grabs everyone else, and tackles them with hugs too*
Violent affection for everyone!

 

Ooh! Alezeia is great! Fantastic epic instrumental stuff. 

*reads new posts* Wait, they released a new song?! *goes to listen*

I would happily hang out in a room you were playing music in, those are all genres I enjoy. 

 

Guys we're in a forum for neurospicy people. "Normal" rules are out the window lol. Here on this thread, hyperfixating is normal! As is needing external stimulation like music playing in order to focus.

 

*huuuuuugs*

You're amazing, Lurker

What do we call you, anyway? You need a nickname

hmmmmm . . .

*thinking intensifies*

[MirkerLurker she/her]

3 minutes ago, Through The Living Glass said:

*huuuuuugs*

You're amazing, Lurker

What do we call you, anyway? You need a nickname

hmmmmm . . .

*thinking intensifies*

lol oh boy. I thought Lurker was my nickname...What am I gonna end up with??? Hahaha I look forward to seeing what I get dubbed!

[Through The Living Glass She/They]

4 minutes ago, MirkerLurker said:

lol oh boy. I thought Lurker was my nickname...What am I gonna end up with??? Hahaha I look forward to seeing what I get dubbed!

ehehe

It can be

But let's see what the general consensus is first

What do y'all think?

@Everyone

[Mags she/they]

25 minutes ago, MirkerLurker said:

Guys we're in a forum for neurospicy people. "Normal" rules are out the window lol. Here on this thread, hyperfixating is normal! As is needing external stimulation like music playing in order to focus.

 

I know lol , I think repeating the songs is an auditory stim for me

Spoiler

BUT I'm not diagnosed with anything so I always feel like I have to pretend I'm normal, or at least call my symptoms something else because I don't want to look like those people who pretend to be ND because they think it's cute or silly . . .

I don't know . . .

[ANHlittleinsane girl but gendern't mostly]

36 minutes ago, MirkerLurker said:

...Holy Muffins, Batman, there's been a lot of content posted on here since I last had time to properly sit down and listen to y'all. 
I'm gonna respond to things in spoiler boxes, because this is gonna be a massively long post. Sorries in advance!
(Side note: If you don't see me on or responding for a while, it's because I want to give you guys real attention and not barely-half-thought-through responses, so I don't come on unless I have time to properly listen and think and respond. It's not cuz I don't care - quite the opposite!)

 

@Heřãłðøfľõvê

  Reveal hidden contents

 

"I feel bad bc she's having a breakdown and I'm thinking abt myself" - It's ok and normal to have your own struggles in response to others' struggles. Go ahead and think about it - it's healthy to process your response and listen to your emotions, in part so you can grow, and in part so you can see and identify them and then temporarily set them aside when you need to listen to someone else's emotions. If we don't take the time to properly listen to and identify our own emotions, we often don't realize when they're overlaying how we hear and interpret what other people tell us. Which...

...it sounds like your other friend thinks you sometimes do. I can't comment on whether you actually do or not - just that your friend's comment about you "picking and choosing" when you worry about [other friend] sounds to me like you sometimes respond to [other friend] with the (unseen accidental) assumption that she responds to things the same way you do, that she feels the same way (whether worried or not worried) as you would in that situation. How often do you ask [other friend] (or any friend) "How does that make you feel?" when they tell you about something? (Or some similar question - you don't have to use the cliche therapist question haha. Even "That sounds frustrating - is it?" opens the door to hearing how they feel instead of how we feel.)
In regards to feeling worse: You're human, your friends are too, and humans always have misunderstandings and mistakes that we have to work through. Use feeling worse to motivate you to ask "How can I do better?"
And don't beat yourself up over it. Misunderstandings are normal, and while having to work through them feels awful, it can also lead to stronger relationships. *hug*
I hope this doesn't come off as sounding harsh. First off, remember that I'm not close to this situation - I don't know nearly as much about is as you do, I'm making guesses based off limited information, so take everything I say lightly and if it doesn't seem to fit, go ahead and discard it. I'm wrong all the time, especially when making guesses. I offer my thoughts in case they are helpful - heck, even if I'm entirely wrong but it got you thinking and you have new realizations because of that, then there we go. And secondly, I want you to feel supported, to see that people are reaching out to help you. If my words here don't do that, then drop them!

 

 

@Thee insane, Your video animation is adorable.

Also:
 

  Reveal hidden contents

Every single person has different standards than the next person over.  Don't try to match them all. Good lord, don't try to match them all. And every single person has differing standards within their own head. The math will never work out. It just won't.

 

Lying is tough. I don't have good advice for this. Just hugs. *hug*
I have a strong "lying always makes things worse" instinct. I also spent my teenager years compulsively lying about anything that might make me stand out in the wrong way. And then panicking and feeling like a terrible person for doing so. Sooooo. Yeah.
I've worked on it a lot and don't lie anymore, but I'm also now in a lifestage where I'm rarely in a place where someone else can upend my entire life if I'm honest about controversial things. I don't have parents in charge who can kick me out or ground me or anything like that. 
I have still had to be honest about some things that caused problems; don't get me wrong, it hasn't been easy. But it's not the same kind of situation either.

 

@alittleinsane

  Hide contents

It is not wasted! It helped you feel better and it got your brain moving and working. An object in motion wants to stay in motion; a brain that's moving wants to keep moving. It's legitimately useful to get your brain going, even if you got it going with a non-essential task. And it helped your mood, which is important! Also, I saw the map and the country descriptions, the map is cool and the different nations sound super interesting. Thanks for sharing it!

 

@N̶̝̦͝u̶͇̠͒́l̷̺͇͔̩̯̆͜l̸̾̿̓̚

  Reveal hidden contents

I am so, so glad to hear that you've found a place of being settled. And honored that you chose to share that here. Thank you, for being willing to be open about that, and share your victory with us. It can be so encouraging to hear others succeeding, even if we aren't ourselves. I think it's important that this thread sees the victories and good points as well as the struggles. We're not just struggling together, we're celebrating together too. And now we get to celebrate with you!

Not to then spoil that point, but also, GO SAVE THIS TEXT SOMEWHERE. What you just wrote, go save it somewhere you can go back and reread it later. Because that feeling won't stay as strong as it is now. The foundation it's built in you, that will stay; but the emotions of it will fluctuate. And when the emotions don't feel like this, when the dark brain hits again (I hope that's not for a while), I want you to be able to pull this out and remind yourself of this foundation you've got now, and that it can and will be not just ok again, but good again. 

 

 

@echo74

  Reveal hidden contents

*hug*

You belong here. You're welcome here.

It's different than in person though, I know. 

Thank you for sharing this. I think you might be surprised how many people on here feel the same way about themselves. And even if it's not a solution, it can be freeing or reassuring to realize that other people feel that too. That we're not alone in that. But if no one voices it, no one knows. Thanks for being vulnerable. I think that's a great step for you, and also that it will encourage other people on here.

 

@Wittles

  Reveal hidden contents

This resonates with me, so much.

I had a big friend group in high school. We hung out, we laughed together, we complained together, we went to school events together. But the more time went on, the more people drifted away, and just kind of disappeared. They graduated, they started hanging out more with other people. It wasn't that I never talked with people - I had conversations, I would hang out with the big group, but it didn't feel like real connection. And I realized, I never did anything outside of school with them. Like I was part of the group, but not real friends with any of them. And then I graduated, I moved on to college, and within two years I had no contact with any of my friends, ever. 

So I started trying to make new friends. Went to book clubs, social groups, mom groups (yeah I'm a mom, I know, I'm old); I tried kind of sporadically, I admit, because I'm not comfortable being social, and I'm lazy, but I did persist in trying. For years. And that discomfort only got reinforced; I went, I talked with people, I "blended in", but I always felt out of step. Like I was mimicking the behaviors around me well enough to be allowed to stay, but never felt like I was making any real connections. Like there was something I was missing, something that everybody else had that let them connect and feel emotional deep friendships, that I just...didn't have. The couple of people I felt like might actually be interested in being friends, the further conversations we tried to have were awkward, bungled, fell flat, and drifted away again. Was it something I said? Didn't say? Was there a cue somewhere that I missed? 

I wore out, tired out, gave up for a while. Despaired pretty bad. Went numb, stayed around pretty much only because my kids and husband needed me to be there, and because (this is my dark brain's cliche, not a true statement) only "bad" people do that kind of thing, so I won't do it because I don't want to be bad. (I don't think people who struggle are bad. That was some of the twisted thoughts my brain was shoving at me at the time - how I'm a bad person because I want to do bad things, etc.)

Eventually started to come awake again. Got pushed into therapy, which didn't do all that much except cue me in to the fact that I wasn't doing great at supporting my family, but it was enough that I started working at life again. Started doing things again, but this time, I didn't bother trying to make friends. I didn't go to social things. I started volunteering instead - look, maybe I'm a broken empty shell, but I'm a broken empty shell with time on my hands who's apparently going to stick around, so I may as well be a useful empty shell.

And suddenly, completely without meaning to, made a friend.

Just another person there. Another person who naturally thought and behaved and connected like I did. Who got the same jokes, who reacted in the same ways, and who I came to realize had similar struggles. Who shared the depression, the self-harm, the dark brain. A person who was at the end of their own rope, and decided to be vulnerable and throw that rope to me, to take a chance and spill some of their story in the hopes I could help. And in doing so, saved me too. And it hasn't been easy; we've hit struggles in being friends. But I would trust this person with my life, my secrets, my fears, and my joy. I have a friend. A real friend. And I legitimately wondered if that would ever happen.

I hope that encourages you, rather than making you feel worse. I want to share the hope that it can get better. But I also realize that it wasn't anything specific that I did, so I can't offer you ideas of "Hey try this, maybe it'll help." Just the hope that it can get better. That you won't be out of step with everyone, even if you're out of step with most. That there are people who are like you, and you can find them. And that even when it seems like it's been forever, like it'll never happen, it still can. Tomorrow might actually be different.

And maybe...maybe a little encouragement to take a chance on being vulnerable. With who, and where, and when, I can't say. But...it was someone else decided to be vulnerable and share their pain with me that really started that friendship. That can also backfire, so. I dunno. There's my thoughts.

And thank you, for being vulnerable here. For being willing to share what's in your head and your heart.

 

 

@The Shattered Cosmere

  Reveal hidden contents

Staying around for your cat is just as valid as for any other reason. There is a little being that loves you. That can be enough, and it's ok if that's enough.

Uh...hmm. I dunno how much I want to write out twice, and it's probably less applicable to you, but if you read my response to Wittles up above, you'll see some of the same sentiments of being empty and alone echoed there.

I get what you mean about therapists not helping much. It was always so awkward and weird; I have no idea who this other person is, no trust in their responses. If I don't know them well, how am I supposed to trust their words? 
I'm doing better this time around, with my current therapist. I'm...uh, this might sound bad, but it's kind of also the point, I think?...I'm kind of using her for ideas, but judging them all myself; not really trying to have a relationship, but more of a guided study? Almost more like a guided internet search than a relationship. Useful for "Hmm, those ideas don't sound useful, but that one might be, I'll do some thinking on my own about how I could use it". *shrugs* But it's not nearly the same as having someone to talk to, of having a friend to talk to. That's a very different thing.

Also, you were open and vulnerable here, and thank you for that. *hug*

 

 

 

 

@Kaladin Stormcursed

  Reveal hidden contents

That's tough. Sorry you feel like you're being minimized.

It's definitely tricky to balance "Yes, my pain is real and valid" and also "No, that doesn't eclipse or minimize someone else's pain". Sorry that you don't feel well supported. *hug*

 

General note for everybody:

*HISSSS* No journal! No! No like! *hisssss*

Ok but as much as I hate to admit it, Taln's right here, guys. It's super important to record the good times, because when you're dark or depressed, you won't be able to remember them. Not just good times, but proof of being loved, of friends caring for you, things like that. So that when your brain throws thoughts like "What if they're all faking?" you can flip through and see "Oh right, they did x and z, they wouldn't have done that if they didn't actually care". I have an irrational dislike of journaling, for no reason other than "everybody says you should", but he's right. And I have started doing so, sporadically. *sigh*

...*hisss* 

 

Fun/nonserious/happy stuff:

  Hide contents

You can't threaten me with hugs if I hug you first! *tackles before you can reach me*
*scrambles up, grabs everyone else, and tackles them with hugs too*
Violent affection for everyone!

 

Ooh! Alezeia is great! Fantastic epic instrumental stuff. 

*reads new posts* Wait, they released a new song?! *goes to listen*

I would happily hang out in a room you were playing music in, those are all genres I enjoy. 

 

Guys we're in a forum for neurospicy people. "Normal" rules are out the window lol. Here on this thread, hyperfixating is normal! As is needing external stimulation like music playing in order to focus.

 

*hugs and under the couch whispers of thank you*

[Keke They/he]

28 minutes ago, MirkerLurker said:

lol oh boy. I thought Lurker was my nickname...What am I gonna end up with??? Hahaha I look forward to seeing what I get dubbed!

MOTHER

 

24 minutes ago, Through The Living Glass said:

ehehe

It can be

But let's see what the general consensus is first

What do y'all think?

@Everyone

I VOTE IF SHE AGREES SHE IS NOW CALLED MOTHER

SHE IS LIKE THE MOM OF THIS GROUP

 

Also. @MirkerLurker thanks for the hugs and support post

[Through The Living Glass She/They]

18 minutes ago, alittleinsane said:

*hugs and under the couch whispers of thank you*

*hugs also*

16 minutes ago, Clinically insane said:

MOTHER

 

I VOTE IF SHE AGREES SHE IS NOW CALLED MOTHER

SHE IS LIKE THE MOM OF THIS GROUP

 

Also. @MirkerLurker thanks for the hugs and support post

actually that's so fair

[Honors Spectral Image She/her]

55 minutes ago, MirkerLurker said:

...Holy Muffins, Batman, there's been a lot of content posted on here since I last had time to properly sit down and listen to y'all. 
I'm gonna respond to things in spoiler boxes, because this is gonna be a massively long post. Sorries in advance!
(Side note: If you don't see me on or responding for a while, it's because I want to give you guys real attention and not barely-half-thought-through responses, so I don't come on unless I have time to properly listen and think and respond. It's not cuz I don't care - quite the opposite!)

 

@Heřãłðøfľõvê

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"I feel bad bc she's having a breakdown and I'm thinking abt myself" - It's ok and normal to have your own struggles in response to others' struggles. Go ahead and think about it - it's healthy to process your response and listen to your emotions, in part so you can grow, and in part so you can see and identify them and then temporarily set them aside when you need to listen to someone else's emotions. If we don't take the time to properly listen to and identify our own emotions, we often don't realize when they're overlaying how we hear and interpret what other people tell us. Which...

...it sounds like your other friend thinks you sometimes do. I can't comment on whether you actually do or not - just that your friend's comment about you "picking and choosing" when you worry about [other friend] sounds to me like you sometimes respond to [other friend] with the (unseen accidental) assumption that she responds to things the same way you do, that she feels the same way (whether worried or not worried) as you would in that situation. How often do you ask [other friend] (or any friend) "How does that make you feel?" when they tell you about something? (Or some similar question - you don't have to use the cliche therapist question haha. Even "That sounds frustrating - is it?" opens the door to hearing how they feel instead of how we feel.)
In regards to feeling worse: You're human, your friends are too, and humans always have misunderstandings and mistakes that we have to work through. Use feeling worse to motivate you to ask "How can I do better?"
And don't beat yourself up over it. Misunderstandings are normal, and while having to work through them feels awful, it can also lead to stronger relationships. *hug*
I hope this doesn't come off as sounding harsh. First off, remember that I'm not close to this situation - I don't know nearly as much about is as you do, I'm making guesses based off limited information, so take everything I say lightly and if it doesn't seem to fit, go ahead and discard it. I'm wrong all the time, especially when making guesses. I offer my thoughts in case they are helpful - heck, even if I'm entirely wrong but it got you thinking and you have new realizations because of that, then there we go. And secondly, I want you to feel supported, to see that people are reaching out to help you. If my words here don't do that, then drop them!

 

 

@Thee insane, Your video animation is adorable.

Also:
 

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Every single person has different standards than the next person over.  Don't try to match them all. Good lord, don't try to match them all. And every single person has differing standards within their own head. The math will never work out. It just won't.

 

Lying is tough. I don't have good advice for this. Just hugs. *hug*
I have a strong "lying always makes things worse" instinct. I also spent my teenager years compulsively lying about anything that might make me stand out in the wrong way. And then panicking and feeling like a terrible person for doing so. Sooooo. Yeah.
I've worked on it a lot and don't lie anymore, but I'm also now in a lifestage where I'm rarely in a place where someone else can upend my entire life if I'm honest about controversial things. I don't have parents in charge who can kick me out or ground me or anything like that. 
I have still had to be honest about some things that caused problems; don't get me wrong, it hasn't been easy. But it's not the same kind of situation either.

 

@alittleinsane

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It is not wasted! It helped you feel better and it got your brain moving and working. An object in motion wants to stay in motion; a brain that's moving wants to keep moving. It's legitimately useful to get your brain going, even if you got it going with a non-essential task. And it helped your mood, which is important! Also, I saw the map and the country descriptions, the map is cool and the different nations sound super interesting. Thanks for sharing it!

 

@N̶̝̦͝u̶͇̠͒́l̷̺͇͔̩̯̆͜l̸̾̿̓̚

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I am so, so glad to hear that you've found a place of being settled. And honored that you chose to share that here. Thank you, for being willing to be open about that, and share your victory with us. It can be so encouraging to hear others succeeding, even if we aren't ourselves. I think it's important that this thread sees the victories and good points as well as the struggles. We're not just struggling together, we're celebrating together too. And now we get to celebrate with you!

Not to then spoil that point, but also, GO SAVE THIS TEXT SOMEWHERE. What you just wrote, go save it somewhere you can go back and reread it later. Because that feeling won't stay as strong as it is now. The foundation it's built in you, that will stay; but the emotions of it will fluctuate. And when the emotions don't feel like this, when the dark brain hits again (I hope that's not for a while), I want you to be able to pull this out and remind yourself of this foundation you've got now, and that it can and will be not just ok again, but good again. 

 

 

@echo74

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*hug*

You belong here. You're welcome here.

It's different than in person though, I know. 

Thank you for sharing this. I think you might be surprised how many people on here feel the same way about themselves. And even if it's not a solution, it can be freeing or reassuring to realize that other people feel that too. That we're not alone in that. But if no one voices it, no one knows. Thanks for being vulnerable. I think that's a great step for you, and also that it will encourage other people on here.

 

@Wittles

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This resonates with me, so much.

I had a big friend group in high school. We hung out, we laughed together, we complained together, we went to school events together. But the more time went on, the more people drifted away, and just kind of disappeared. They graduated, they started hanging out more with other people. It wasn't that I never talked with people - I had conversations, I would hang out with the big group, but it didn't feel like real connection. And I realized, I never did anything outside of school with them. Like I was part of the group, but not real friends with any of them. And then I graduated, I moved on to college, and within two years I had no contact with any of my friends, ever. 

So I started trying to make new friends. Went to book clubs, social groups, mom groups (yeah I'm a mom, I know, I'm old); I tried kind of sporadically, I admit, because I'm not comfortable being social, and I'm lazy, but I did persist in trying. For years. And that discomfort only got reinforced; I went, I talked with people, I "blended in", but I always felt out of step. Like I was mimicking the behaviors around me well enough to be allowed to stay, but never felt like I was making any real connections. Like there was something I was missing, something that everybody else had that let them connect and feel emotional deep friendships, that I just...didn't have. The couple of people I felt like might actually be interested in being friends, the further conversations we tried to have were awkward, bungled, fell flat, and drifted away again. Was it something I said? Didn't say? Was there a cue somewhere that I missed? 

I wore out, tired out, gave up for a while. Despaired pretty bad. Went numb, stayed around pretty much only because my kids and husband needed me to be there, and because (this is my dark brain's cliche, not a true statement) only "bad" people do that kind of thing, so I won't do it because I don't want to be bad. (I don't think people who struggle are bad. That was some of the twisted thoughts my brain was shoving at me at the time - how I'm a bad person because I want to do bad things, etc.)

Eventually started to come awake again. Got pushed into therapy, which didn't do all that much except cue me in to the fact that I wasn't doing great at supporting my family, but it was enough that I started working at life again. Started doing things again, but this time, I didn't bother trying to make friends. I didn't go to social things. I started volunteering instead - look, maybe I'm a broken empty shell, but I'm a broken empty shell with time on my hands who's apparently going to stick around, so I may as well be a useful empty shell.

And suddenly, completely without meaning to, made a friend.

Just another person there. Another person who naturally thought and behaved and connected like I did. Who got the same jokes, who reacted in the same ways, and who I came to realize had similar struggles. Who shared the depression, the self-harm, the dark brain. A person who was at the end of their own rope, and decided to be vulnerable and throw that rope to me, to take a chance and spill some of their story in the hopes I could help. And in doing so, saved me too. And it hasn't been easy; we've hit struggles in being friends. But I would trust this person with my life, my secrets, my fears, and my joy. I have a friend. A real friend. And I legitimately wondered if that would ever happen.

I hope that encourages you, rather than making you feel worse. I want to share the hope that it can get better. But I also realize that it wasn't anything specific that I did, so I can't offer you ideas of "Hey try this, maybe it'll help." Just the hope that it can get better. That you won't be out of step with everyone, even if you're out of step with most. That there are people who are like you, and you can find them. And that even when it seems like it's been forever, like it'll never happen, it still can. Tomorrow might actually be different.

And maybe...maybe a little encouragement to take a chance on being vulnerable. With who, and where, and when, I can't say. But...it was someone else decided to be vulnerable and share their pain with me that really started that friendship. That can also backfire, so. I dunno. There's my thoughts.

And thank you, for being vulnerable here. For being willing to share what's in your head and your heart.

 

 

@The Shattered Cosmere

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Staying around for your cat is just as valid as for any other reason. There is a little being that loves you. That can be enough, and it's ok if that's enough.

Uh...hmm. I dunno how much I want to write out twice, and it's probably less applicable to you, but if you read my response to Wittles up above, you'll see some of the same sentiments of being empty and alone echoed there.

I get what you mean about therapists not helping much. It was always so awkward and weird; I have no idea who this other person is, no trust in their responses. If I don't know them well, how am I supposed to trust their words? 
I'm doing better this time around, with my current therapist. I'm...uh, this might sound bad, but it's kind of also the point, I think?...I'm kind of using her for ideas, but judging them all myself; not really trying to have a relationship, but more of a guided study? Almost more like a guided internet search than a relationship. Useful for "Hmm, those ideas don't sound useful, but that one might be, I'll do some thinking on my own about how I could use it". *shrugs* But it's not nearly the same as having someone to talk to, of having a friend to talk to. That's a very different thing.

Also, you were open and vulnerable here, and thank you for that. *hug*

 

 

 

 

@Kaladin Stormcursed

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That's tough. Sorry you feel like you're being minimized.

It's definitely tricky to balance "Yes, my pain is real and valid" and also "No, that doesn't eclipse or minimize someone else's pain". Sorry that you don't feel well supported. *hug*

 

General note for everybody:

*HISSSS* No journal! No! No like! *hisssss*

Ok but as much as I hate to admit it, Taln's right here, guys. It's super important to record the good times, because when you're dark or depressed, you won't be able to remember them. Not just good times, but proof of being loved, of friends caring for you, things like that. So that when your brain throws thoughts like "What if they're all faking?" you can flip through and see "Oh right, they did x and z, they wouldn't have done that if they didn't actually care". I have an irrational dislike of journaling, for no reason other than "everybody says you should", but he's right. And I have started doing so, sporadically. *sigh*

...*hisss* 

 

Fun/nonserious/happy stuff:

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You can't threaten me with hugs if I hug you first! *tackles before you can reach me*
*scrambles up, grabs everyone else, and tackles them with hugs too*
Violent affection for everyone!

 

Ooh! Alezeia is great! Fantastic epic instrumental stuff. 

*reads new posts* Wait, they released a new song?! *goes to listen*

I would happily hang out in a room you were playing music in, those are all genres I enjoy. 

 

Guys we're in a forum for neurospicy people. "Normal" rules are out the window lol. Here on this thread, hyperfixating is normal! As is needing external stimulation like music playing in order to focus.

 

Thank you that actually helps a ton *hug* your great

[Bird Furious she/her/un/important]

29 minutes ago, Clinically insane said:

MOTHER

 

I VOTE IF SHE AGREES SHE IS NOW CALLED MOTHER

SHE IS LIKE THE MOM OF THIS GROUP

 

Also. @MirkerLurker thanks for the hugs and support post

 

12 minutes ago, Through The Living Glass said:

*hugs also*

actually that's so fair

lol I’d be down for that 

[Through The Living Glass She/They]

9 minutes ago, Halcyon The Only said:

 

lol I’d be down for that 

ehe

3/3

[Wittles he/him]

1 hour ago, Magi said:

I know lol , I think repeating the songs is an auditory stim for me

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BUT I'm not diagnosed with anything so I always feel like I have to pretend I'm normal, or at least call my symptoms something else because I don't want to look like those people who pretend to be ND because they think it's cute or silly . . .

I don't know . . .

That's totally valid. I'm diagnosed ND and still have that feeling lol

Stupid brain thoughts, what do they know

1 hour ago, Clinically insane said:

MOTHER

 

I VOTE IF SHE AGREES SHE IS NOW CALLED MOTHER

SHE IS LIKE THE MOM OF THIS GROUP

 

Also. @MirkerLurker thanks for the hugs and support post

Lol, I think that's a good name

[MirkerLurker she/her]

2 hours ago, Magi said:

I know lol , I think repeating the songs is an auditory stim for me

  Hide contents

BUT I'm not diagnosed with anything so I always feel like I have to pretend I'm normal, or at least call my symptoms something else because I don't want to look like those people who pretend to be ND because they think it's cute or silly . . .

I don't know . . .

I generally feel that diagnoses are only useful if they help you find tools, techniques, or people to support you in how your brain works. But your brain chemistry works the way it does regardless of whether someone official has given it a label. I am careful to not assign a diagnosis that hasn't been properly assessed by a professional, but using terms like hyperfixate, overstimulation, depressed, stimming - these are are useful terms for communicating how your brain is functioning (or not functioning). Saying "playing this song over and over is soothing for me and helps me focus" is true whether you're "officially ND" or not. And is understandable by a number of ND folk - ones from different diagnoses and groups, even. That symptom is often shared by a range of different brain weirdnesses - from OCD to autistim to ADHD.

 

2 hours ago, Clinically insane said:

MOTHER

 

I VOTE IF SHE AGREES SHE IS NOW CALLED MOTHER

SHE IS LIKE THE MOM OF THIS GROUP

 

Also. @MirkerLurker thanks for the hugs and support post

Hahaha I can be Mother!

As long as you all remember that *bursts into song* MOTHEEEEER KNOWS BEST!

(I kid I kid, I would never want to be that kind of mother. She's like, the complete opposite of everything I want to be.)

[Through The Living Glass She/They]

2 minutes ago, MirkerLurker said:

I generally feel that diagnoses are only useful if they help you find tools, techniques, or people to support you in how your brain works. But your brain chemistry works the way it does regardless of whether someone official has given it a label. I am careful to not assign a diagnosis that hasn't been properly assessed by a professional, but using terms like hyperfixate, overstimulation, depressed, stimming - these are are useful terms for communicating how your brain is functioning (or not functioning). Saying "playing this song over and over is soothing for me and helps me focus" is true whether you're "officially ND" or not. And is understandable by a number of ND folk - ones from different diagnoses and groups, even. That symptom is often shared by a range of different brain weirdnesses - from OCD to autistim to ADHD.

 

Hahaha I can be Mother!

As long as you all remember that *bursts into song* MOTHEEEEER KNOWS BEST!

(I kid I kid, I would never want to be that kind of mother. She's like, the complete opposite of everything I want to be.)

heh

Mother could be more formal

hehe

[Keke They/he]

8 minutes ago, MirkerLurker said:

I generally feel that diagnoses are only useful if they help you find tools, techniques, or people to support you in how your brain works. But your brain chemistry works the way it does regardless of whether someone official has given it a label. I am careful to not assign a diagnosis that hasn't been properly assessed by a professional, but using terms like hyperfixate, overstimulation, depressed, stimming - these are are useful terms for communicating how your brain is functioning (or not functioning). Saying "playing this song over and over is soothing for me and helps me focus" is true whether you're "officially ND" or not. And is understandable by a number of ND folk - ones from different diagnoses and groups, even. That symptom is often shared by a range of different brain weirdnesses - from OCD to autistim to ADHD.

 

Hahaha I can be Mother!

As long as you all remember that *bursts into song* MOTHEEEEER KNOWS BEST!

(I kid I kid, I would never want to be that kind of mother. She's like, the complete opposite of everything I want to be.)

MOTHER YAY

[Mags she/they]

26 minutes ago, MirkerLurker said:

I generally feel that diagnoses are only useful if they help you find tools, techniques, or people to support you in how your brain works. But your brain chemistry works the way it does regardless of whether someone official has given it a label. I am careful to not assign a diagnosis that hasn't been properly assessed by a professional, but using terms like hyperfixate, overstimulation, depressed, stimming - these are are useful terms for communicating how your brain is functioning (or not functioning). Saying "playing this song over and over is soothing for me and helps me focus" is true whether you're "officially ND" or not. And is understandable by a number of ND folk - ones from different diagnoses and groups, even. That symptom is often shared by a range of different brain weirdnesses - from OCD to autistim to ADHD.

I appreciate that, and i think I agree to an extent but the fact that there is a precedent of people using those terms wrongly makes me uncomfortable using them without actually 'having' it, if that makes sense. Especially since I've seen members of the community ask people to not use those words. I guess I just don't want to step on anyone's toes or offend anyone.

But I think I mentally put more weight on the idea of a diagnosis for myself, because of some of my experiences. The imposter syndrome is just a little too strong, atm.

Oh, and I should make it clear that I'm not ignoring my symptoms--I try to let myself stim and manage hyperfixations as best as I can. Now that I know how people like me function and get better, I've been trying to take their advice even though I'm not diagnosed yet.

[Bird Furious she/her/un/important]

58 minutes ago, MirkerLurker said:

I generally feel that diagnoses are only useful if they help you find tools, techniques, or people to support you in how your brain works. But your brain chemistry works the way it does regardless of whether someone official has given it a label. I am careful to not assign a diagnosis that hasn't been properly assessed by a professional, but using terms like hyperfixate, overstimulation, depressed, stimming - these are are useful terms for communicating how your brain is functioning (or not functioning). Saying "playing this song over and over is soothing for me and helps me focus" is true whether you're "officially ND" or not. And is understandable by a number of ND folk - ones from different diagnoses and groups, even. That symptom is often shared by a range of different brain weirdnesses - from OCD to autistim to ADHD.

 

Hahaha I can be Mother!

As long as you all remember that *bursts into song* MOTHEEEEER KNOWS BEST!

(I kid I kid, I would never want to be that kind of mother. She's like, the complete opposite of everything I want to be.)

But she makes a dang good villain

All I aspire to be >:) 

[MirkerLurker she/her]

45 minutes ago, Magi said:

I appreciate that, and i think I agree to an extent but the fact that there is a precedent of people using those terms wrongly makes me uncomfortable using them without actually 'having' it, if that makes sense. Especially since I've seen members of the community ask people to not use those words. I guess I just don't want to step on anyone's toes or offend anyone.

But I think I mentally put more weight on the idea of a diagnosis for myself, because of some of my experiences. The imposter syndrome is just a little too strong, atm.

Oh, and I should make it clear that I'm not ignoring my symptoms--I try to let myself stim and manage hyperfixations as best as I can. Now that I know how people like me function and get better, I've been trying to take their advice even though I'm not diagnosed yet.

Ok, that makes sense. Especially seeing people ask others not to use the terms if they're not diagnosed. 

I'm glad you're allowing yourself to learn how you function best! That's mostly my concern when I hear people talk about pretending. It sounds like you're balancing it pretty well. (But imposter syndrome is so real.)

 

25 minutes ago, Halcyon The Only said:

But she makes a dang good villain

All I aspire to be >:) 

She makes a very good villain lol. If it's villain track you're going for, she's a smashing example!

[Cookie Spren]

If any of you didn't know, I just got through a huge wave of depression that has lasted several months. I would like to say that if any of you feel down, even if you are as low as I was, meaning that you had thoughts of sewerslide, there is a way out of that darkness and it is a difficult journey. As I have recently learned, many people see there goal way up in the sky, never realizing or even seeing the mountain in front of us that leads to that goal. It doesn't matter how you get up there, whether it is difficult or not, but there will always be a way to reach our goals. Remember that there are other climbers out there that go through the same thing as you, they know your struggles and your weaknesses, and it is up to you to let them aid you in your climb to the top. I have also learned that when we are struggling, we tend to put up walls unintentionally, these walls do not help us, they only hurt. They can push others away and it can ruin us. It is important to not be afraid of asking for help. I know it sounds difficult to just let those walls crumble, but for us to survive in our current world, we need others to help us grow through our trials. I don't know how many of you are religious, but one thing one of my church leaders taught me was that our trials are like a stone being refined by a rock tumbler, it may hurt to go through, because of all of the grit, but when we are finished with those trials, we end up smooth and refined. He told me that God puts those trials in our lives to strengthen us, to smoothen us out. They are there because he loves us enough to teach us to grow and learn through tough experiences. I am so glad to have you all in my life, I don't know to many of you, but you all have been a great influence in my life for the good of it. You guys saved my life just a few days back and it has brought me so much joy. However, I still have trials and I thank God every day for giving them to me, to help me learn and grow. He also puts other people in our lives to bless us as angels on earth. These people may not even realize that they are performing and enacting a miracle towards this person. Many of you went to my aid when I sent a distress call about ending my life, but because so many of you told me you cared, so many of you guys, even those I never talk with, I am still here, still alive and well, breathing, and giving this message to all of you. You guys are a great contribution to my joy and I want to thank you all for your kindness, inclusion, and care. My heart is so full with joy that I cannot comprehend. I love all you guys, thank you all.

-Cookie

Edited February 25, 2025 by The Sly Cookie

[Bird Furious she/her/un/important]

6 minutes ago, The Sly Cookie said:

If any of you didn't know, I just got through a huge wave of depression that has lasted several months. I would like to say that if any of you feel down, even if you are as low as I was, meaning that you had thoughts of sewerslide, there is a way out of that darkness and it is a difficult journey. As I have recently learned, many people see there goal way up in the sky, never realizing or even seeing the mountain in front of us that leads to that goal. It doesn't matter how you get up there, whether it is difficult or not, but there will always be a way to reach our goals. Remember that there are other climbers out there that go through the same thing as you, they know your struggles and your weaknesses, and it is up to you to let them aid you in your climb to the top. I have also learned that when we are struggling, we tend to put up walls unintentionally, these walls do not help us, they only hurt. They can push others away and it can ruin us. It is important to not be afraid of asking for help. I know it sounds difficult to just let those walls crumble, but for us to survive in our current world, we need others to help us grow through our trials. I don't know how many of you are religious, but one thing one of my church leaders taught me was that our trials are like a stone being refined by a rock tumbler, it may hurt to go through, because of all of the grit, but when we are finished with those trials, we end up smooth and refined. He told me that God puts those trials in our lives to strengthen us, to smoothen us out. They are there because he loves us enough to teach us to grow and learn through tough experiences. I am so glad to have you all in my life, I don't know to many of you, but you all have been a great influence in my life for the good of it. You guys saved my life just a few days back and it has brought me so much joy. However, I still have trials and I thank God every day for giving them to me, to help me learn and grow. He also puts other people in our lives to bless us as angels on earth. These people may not even realize that they are performing and enacting a miracle towards this person. Many of you went to my aid when I sent a distress call about ending my life, but because so many of you told me you cared, so many of you guys, even those I never talk with, I am still here, still alive and well, breathing, and giving this message to all of you. You guys are a great contribution to my joy and I want to thank you all for your kindness, inclusion, and care. My heart is so full with joy that I cannot comprehend. I love all you guys, thank you all.

-Cookie

*hugs* 

I’m glad you’re okay