12/2/24 - Ace of Hearts - Labyrinth of Birdcages sub 1, 4046 words

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm back from Nanowrimo submitting... a different story I wrote back in January/February. This one is contemporary YA fantasy, which I hadn't really written before this, so I have no idea how it will read. It's not the most polished so I'm not sure I'll submit the whole thing--this isn't that far off from a draft 0 despite being ten months old. What I'm mostly looking for are initial impressions about the conceit, if the premise seems interesting enough to build a novel out of, etc. My plan is to take those initial impressions for a couple submissions and figure out what I want to do with the novel, since again I have basically zero idea how it will come across.

 

Thanks!

[Mr. Misting he/him]

23 hours ago, Ace of Hearts said:

Hi everyone,

 

I'm back from Nanowrimo submitting... a different story I wrote back in January/February. This one is contemporary YA fantasy, which I hadn't really written before this, so I have no idea how it will read. It's not the most polished so I'm not sure I'll submit the whole thing--this isn't that far off from a draft 0 despite being ten months old. What I'm mostly looking for are initial impressions about the conceit, if the premise seems interesting enough to build a novel out of, etc. My plan is to take those initial impressions for a couple submissions and figure out what I want to do with the novel, since again I have basically zero idea how it will come across.

 

Thanks!

This was a fairly intriguing for a first draft! I think you could definitely stretch this into a full story, as there are many interesting ways this could go. 

I won't get to nitpicky, as this is meant to be rough. Your prose was very natural, and the main character relatable, though some of the dialogue was a little stilted. 

The opening imagines of the pigeon cages were very engaging, and like nothing I've read before. (They made me immediately think of operant conditioning chambers, which, since you seem to have taken AP Psych as well, I was curious if that's where you got the inspiration). The labyrinth helps provides a good hook, and a way to further alienate the doppelganger.

Some questions to maybe consider, about the pigeons, if you make this a full story: what is the rational behind the pigeons being there? If the doppelganger is trying to form a rapport with John, wouldn't he want to make him comfortable? And, by the end of the second chapter, looking back, the pigeons felt very incongruous with the rest of the story, also, are you thinking of doing a different trippy thing each time John meets the doppelganger? as I think you could do a ton of cool stuff with that.

It was odd how much people knew about John's personal life, both the teacher, and Kayla. 

But if you were to expand on this, I'm very curious to see what you do with it.

[Mandamon he/him]

So this was an...odd read. I almost got lost a few times just because it seems the MC is wandering around in as much of a fog as the reader is, and neither really knows what's going on. It's hard to stay connected to the story. I wonder if it actually needs as chapter before this to set up a little of how the MC acts around others?

 

Notes while reading:

pg 1: There's a lot going on here. It might be good to have just one or two more sentences on what the character's expectations are? They seem mostly unphased they're in a maze with pigeons and have a clear direction out.

pg 1: "I’m at full strength"
--This makes me think LitRPG?

pg 3: "you went to the trouble of replacing me with a fake "
--I am really not sure what's going on. Seems almost like an anime?

pg 4: “The countdown shows how long it will take to merge your self with that version of you in the real world.”
--This is interesting, but I feel like I've been dropped about 10 chapters into another story.

pg 4: "Leaving through that door could be a trap"
--why? We don't really know anything about the setting, the doppelganger, or what their motivations are.

pg 5: "I’m in the storage room..."
--glad to have some stable setting finally.

pg 7: "He’s not done with me."
--Ok, interesting. We're starting to get a bit of things, but I'm wondering if this is too in media rez. I feel like I would struggle to start this book.

pg 9: "with his mom missing"
--wait, is this his original mother missing and they're both foster children, or is the foster mother missing?

pg 12: "with no parents in the household"
--so I guess the foster parents are missing?"

pg 12: "While I have a hard time with social cues and situations"
--I don't think it's just him in this case. I'd be pretty clueless if this happened to me.

pg 13: "She’s acting like my doppelganger was after I got pulled into the labyrinth."
--I feel like this is meant to be a stinger, but I don't know what it means. How was the doppelganger acting? Is this saying she's one too?

[ginger_reckoning]

I really like the complex emotions of this piece, it would really suck to be replaced and realize that everyone likes the doppleganger more. Theres some really interesting social interactions with the potential to cause some horrible drama, which I like. A few notes in the lbl's too. 

As with Ookla, I am not really sure what the importance of the pigeons is. Obviously its odd and makes it clear we are in some liminal nightvale type dimension or something, but why pigeons specifcially? Maybe it will become clear in later chapters. Speaking of, whats the intended length of this piece? Novella or novel? Or short story?

Also, like Mandamon, this felt kind of like in media res to me, though that's not necessarily a bad thing. I felt like I could very easily pick up this book, and I appreciate that it's right to the point. 

Interested to see where this goes!

Pg 1-”school backpack with notebooks” personally I think the word “school” can be cut, kind of implied and I don’t think most students refer to their backpack as their “school backpack” 

Pg 2 “cant assume I’m back in reality” I mean, surely a place like this could exist in reality? Kind of a weird conclusion to jump to unless something weirder tipped them off, imo

Pg 3 “to make me feel out of place” I got a little confused by this at first since I thought for some reason that this reflection looked more asian than the narrator despite being a reflection, which is what made them feel out of place, then read it again and realized that it meant the narrator feels out of place among their peers, who I assume are mostly not asian

I like how he just takes this all in stride haha. Cool that he’s dealing with this situation with a level head instead of being like “I have to be dreaming!” (not a trope I like) 

 

Pg 6 so this isn’t actually reality, right? If it is, why have the timer be two hours instead of say, 20 seconds? I’m guessing its not really reality

 

Pg 8 “M’s grins directs me” M’s grin

 

Pg9 “If I behave good enough…” Wow, I hope D is a child and not an adult because that is a seriously f*cked thing to say to a child whose parents are missing

 

Pg 9 “act like everyone else wants me to” damn, that is some heavy stuff

 

Pg 13 “dates specifically with a boy” idk, my gaydar did pick up on that too when I read the line haha, but I also don’t think its that odd of a phrasing for someone in highschool who is only interested in dating boys

 

AHHH! PLOT TWIST!

[Silk she/her]

I think the original description of the maze/the narrator’s attempt to get out of it goes on just long enough.

P3 “… a series of scenes rapid fire” – because I don’t know much about the protagonist to begin with, it doesn’t have much impact yet. I can infer that he’s not a hugely social person, but I don’t know if this is just something he wants but hasn’t tried for, or has tried and failed to achieve, or even if this is the double just trying to manipulate him, etc.

Similarly I don’t know what J apparently abandoning this goal a couple pages later to go back to the “real world” means

I’m also becoming very curious about how “normal” I’m supposed to think this is in this setting. If this is something totally out of left field, the narrator seems to be taking it awfully well.

P7 “You forgot already?” I like this, getting at the consequences of the doppleganger thing that are maybe less obvious.

Not sure I have the family dynamics totally right, but J and M are both in foster care, only M’s in foster care because his mom’s been missing for a few days? I’m having a hard time suspending my disbelief that the foster care system would act that quickly (although who knows, maybe I’m just wrong). Also, I would assume then that M’s mother and J’s mother (or foster mothers?) aren’t the same person?

Overall: The premise is interesting and the first scene is evocative for sure (though I thought at several points that the main character was taking things extremely well), but I feel so like the narrator has basically been wandering through the chapter letting things happen to him so far, and I don’t have a good idea of how these very different threads (dopplegangers and missing parents) tie together. I feel like I’m missing a driving force so far.

My other thought is that the contrast between what J’s life is normally like and what it’s like after his doppleganger is potentially interesting, but it’s hard to fully appreciate since we haven’t established a “normal” for this story yet. Although story certainly did get right to the moment where everything changes.