10/14/24 - Ace of Hearts - Sunrise (V, 3779 words)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Additional content warning for mentions of attempted suicide.

 

Hi everyone,

 

Thanks a ton for all the feedback on Everlasting Sunset. Here I have a short story set in the same universe--I actually wrote this two years ago before Everlasting Sunset, and it was what gave me the idea for many of the worldbuilding elements. It's also my first real crack at writing in a literary style where I focused on the language as the lifeblood of the story rather than a vehicle for communicating the narrative, if that makes any sense.

 

The reach for the stars goal with this story is for it to be published in a SFF literary journal or something similar, which I know is realistically going to be very challenging but I think it will benefit me to getting comfortable submitting stories even if I'm not sure I'm at that point as a developing writer. If anyone is experienced reading/writing those kinds of stories, I'd love feedback on what I can work on to make a story on that level (even if it's a frank "This story isn't that close but keep writing and practice on xyz").

 

Other than that, because this is my first crack at something that tries to get cute and fancy (for lack of a better term) with language I suspect it may be a bit confusing at points, and knowing where those points would be super helpful.

 

Thanks!

[ginger_reckoning]

I really liked this story! The prose was more elevated than your usual style, but it did not strike me as particularly "purple" or "fancy" which personally I think is a good thing, since it got across the lonely and melancholic emotions without being distracting. Overall, I would say that the prose was a step up from your usual style, (not that your usual style is bad) so good work. 

There are some things I was still confused about, but I don't think necessarily take away from the story since it seems like its supposed to be a little mysterious. So who was M? Was he just a calamity imposter? Why keep the cycle going if all the others are dead already? Why tell L that she is O? I would also suggest maybe putting quotes or something around the portions that are supposed to be spoken words. 

Overall, I think it's a pretty solid short story, even without the context of the longer story. 

Pg1 First sentence feels a little wordy. For instance, do we need to know in the very first sentence that it is low tide? 

So the intent for this is that it would be a stand-alone story correct? Without the context of the full story, this first page has a lot of information to take in. Not necessarily a bad thing since it cultivates a lot of mystery and the talk of fate, cycles, and psychic energy is interesting and mysterious imo, but it does raise a lot of questions. Which could just drive the reader to keep reading!

Pg2 “bridge that emits” this seems like a tense-break to me

I think it's cool that it mixes intergalactic empire with things like castles and towns

Pg 3 “within our race” this confused me, since before it seemed like an 3rd person omniscient narrator, but this makes it seem like a person. Is it supposed to literally be the words that M is saying to O? If so, that went over my head until now

Okay, yeah, later down that seems to be more obviously the case

Pg 5 Yeah, i’m really digging the atmosphere personally

Pg 9 upturning a patch of dirt in front of us” this seems to switch to first person even though its not in one of the storytelling sections

I find it really interesting that it seems like everyone is just a copy of their originals. This setting reminds me of like dark souls or something, just a cycle that has gone on way too long and is decaying

I like the last few paragraphs

[Mandamon he/him]

I agree with @ginger_reckoning the style here is better than your other writing. I think it's actually less purple than some of the passages in the main book. I really like the story as well, but I think it's too confusing right now. There are a lot of tense switches and I have no idea who is actually who at the end of the story. That might be on purpose, and does fit with the whole time ebbing part of it, but I think a little more clarify would help solidify the story. Is L actually O? Are they all copies? Are the calamity people the real ones?

Notes while reading:

pg 2/3: there's some mixed tense in the story, part past and part in present tense. I think the "you" is addressing the princess? But it's also pulling me out of the narrative.

pg 6: The story is interesting, but I keep getting thrown off by who the "I" and "You" is addressed to, because most of this is in past tense.

pg 9: so I guess there are copies of the whole family as well? I think I'm confused because there's no delineation between the crystal versions and the real (?) ones.

pg 14: I'm still a bit confused as to who is really who in the story, but it's well written! Is the person on the throne actually L? And M is a crystal echo of some sort?
 

[Appol PhD they/he]

Thanks for the feedback!

On 10/21/2024 at 5:44 PM, ginger_reckoning said:

So who was M? Was he just a calamity imposter

 

On 10/30/2024 at 9:52 AM, Mandamon said:

Is L actually O? Are they all copies? Are the calamity people the real ones?

I probably won't submit this story again, so just in case you're curious the intention is that "O" is originally L and "M" is originally O. I didn't consider the reading of M being a calamity imposter, and I think once I clarify that he's a real person the existing hints will stand out more (has enough power to exist within the ark's flow despite AM people not having powers at all, says he killed the real M when he mentions O doing that in the final flashback/speech, perfectly matched in combat with Calamity O to the point that it's like fighting himself).

[Silk she/her]

I swear I'll catch up eventually! 

As I read: 

P1 “M held his breath… nothing to worry himself over.” I’m interested here because it’s the first real hint of emotion we’ve gotten—something doesn’t seem to be correct?—but I’m not quite certain this is the impression I’m supposed to get.

Edit: by the end of page 2 it definitely seems that something is not-quite-right. I’d love to see/feel a few more ominous hints that all is not well. They don’t even have to be explicit, they could be things like creepy or alarming imagery, etc, to support the slightly more explicit references that things aren’t quite what they seem. Basically, I’d love to read this and think “oh no, what here is going wrong?” as opposed to “am I reading this wrong?”

P3 “Princess O and the others…” Interesting hint here.

“Though I’m sure you…” Oooh, I wonder who else M (presumably the narrator is still M) is talking to?

P4 “O followed M through the halls…” Blocking confusion. I thought she was stuck on the throne?

P5 Oh, huh, so M is not the narrator after all…

P6 Another brief confusion at the mention of “test runs,” but maybe I was just incorrectly imagining her ascension to the throne as an all-or-nothing thing.

P8 “This time, M saw when he looked.” I stumbled here at first, but I think it’s more a reflection of my overall uncertainty of what’s happening in the story than this particular line, which, on reread I think I get what it’s going for.

At this point, I don’t feel like I have enough information to appreciate the conversations between M and O in the last few pages before the ark restarts. We’ve learned a bit more about the history between the two of them and L (although I’m confused there too—who killed whom, and who is powering the throne?), but not more about what is currently happening or what it means. And that seems to be the foundation on which the ending is built. I don’t think you have to provide every answer, but like @Mandamon and @ginger_reckoning suggested, I think a little more clarity will help solidify things.

As for whether you’ve made this a “literary” story, that’s so subjective that I think it can only really be answered in relation to what you’re trying to achieve. If you’re specifically looking to elevate your prose—it reads well and nothing stood out as particularly purple, so you’re already partly there. If what you want to focus on is the prose, you have the potential to maybe have more fun with the imagery—the Cal. water and psyglass could both be visually spectacular—or the voice, by leaning into the unusual narration a bit more. Structure is another way stories often signal literary fiction as a genre (and literary fiction is a genre) so one option is to lean on the frame tale more. And/or just lean on the themes a little harder, which can happen in a bunch of different ways. Basically, as you’re revising, just emphasize the parts of the literary fiction genre that interest you most for this particular story.