9/3/2024-Ginger_reckoning-Evil hivemind buddycop book, sub1, 4341 words (V, L, S)

[ginger_reckoning]

Hey! Glad to be back here. Sorry I also forgot to post yesterday! Tags for violence, self harm, suicide, language, and sexual references with this one. 

 

This time I'm trying something a little different. It's less ambitious than other projects I've tried, and I think will have a better chance at being published than the other one's I've done. That being said, it's still kind of a hard sell I think haha, since its intended to be a somewhat humorous story about an ex-member of an evil hivemind and an accursed girl working together to try to catch the evil hivemind. Still working on the title. 

 

My biggest concern is whether the prologue works here, or if it should be cut. I personally think that it sets the tone I'm trying for pretty well, and I think its interesting enough to be the first introduction to the book but it's not necessarily the same type of hook I normally try to go for. Idk, let me know what you think. 

 

Again, thank you all so much!

 

[reisleK she/her]

Just a heads up, I tend to be blunt with criticism, I don't intend to be rude and apologize if this comes out the wrong way. This is also my first time doing this so I'm still figuring it out.

Only read the prologue so far, it seems like two distinct parts, the beginning bit and where we see silence (should I abbreviate that?)

Up until S and P's bit, the tone is more lighthearted and casual. I personally think that part could be cut, or set aside for later if it might fit somewhere. I adore it, it just doesn't seem to fit. 

I'll refer to S & P's part as prologue part two (though I did consider referring to the two of them as salt and pepper) I really like the first line, the reader doesn't know what silence is but it has to be something. I think you could start with this (and just refer to the crystals by their proper name, and maybe add some context). Oh and there's two periods in the first sentence. Just a heads up. 

I really, really, like how S refers to inhabiting P's body, it's fantastic.

When A doesn't cry over P's rejection (though it's really S doing it), I think more context is needed, a little more than just "A didn't cry..." 

I think there should be more of a transition between S wanted to explore the world and it's thoughts on it, though I really like hearing the strange creature's observations of human life. I'm also very curious how S, the dragon, and teleporting rats are going to accomplish their destruction. I'll probably add a little more later, I read the first sentence of chapter 1.

I re-read the first paragraph of chapter one, I'm VERY interested in this curse.  

Magical chronic bone pain is very interesting. Though does everyone else have it? Or just Am and her mother? (page

Love her guilt here (p. 9)

Is it a violin or fiddle? Pretty sure those are different. (P. 9/10)

I like how there's treatment, which helps manage the pain but doesn't magically get rid of it (p. 10)

Why does Am refer to her mother by her full name? (p. 10)

"Wow, this really sucks..." Doesn't L have the curse too? (p. 10) [I've realized now why]

"Did you remember to eat today," is a great detail, but it might be worth amending it to "did you eat today?". As someone with occasional jaw pain (and who does forget to eat for other reasons), the jaw pain will make me have no desire to eat, but I'll know I'm hungry. (p. 11)

Is this third person limited or whatever the other one is? Because if it's not limited ignore the mother comment and referring to S as S makes sense. (p. 11)

Can you look just like someone and have tentacles and goop? (p. 11) [this makes me wonder if P had tentacles and goop, or if S can hide it as it pleases]

Her wrists are going to hurt if S is pressing on them, right? (p. 13)

I love how casual S is (p. 13)

"I'm sure you could. I'll let you know if I find any..." Who is saying this? (p. 14)

Wow. One heck of a chapter, I love the ending, it's great. I want to know more. (p. 15)

I'll probably edit this and give you more comments in the morning. 

 

 

[Silk she/her]

P1: I’m enjoying the tone of the writing, but wondering throughout the prologue who the narrator is, since it doesn’t seem to be attached to any particular person or perspective. Also, the writing seems to drift a bit between past and present tense.

P3: I was surprised to find we were still in the prologue after the scene break – especially since the tone of the writing does seem to shift a bit here (attached to a specific character, a little less emphasis on the humour).

P11: I had figured out that this was S, but was surprised you dropped the name, since A presumably wouldn’t have this information, and so far this chapter has been presented as a limited rather than omniscient POV.

P12: Except maybe the reference to “simmered” on the last page (which I imagined as a visual effect, bu first I thought I’d misread!) this remark to “call[ing] a swarm of bats and owls” is I think the first reference to music also being magic.

As I’m reading, I’m realizing this is probably the scene referenced in the first line of the chapter about A watching all her loved ones be devoured. I hadn’t realized we were essentially going back in time to witness this.

Overall: I enjoyed this! Without having read the whole or at least a substantial part of the book, it’s hard to advise whether or not something should be cut. I thought it worked just fine as a hook, though as mentioned the transition between the two scenes was a bit jarring for me, and there is probably room for a little line editing/trimming.

I did notice that the humour seemed to become less apparent in the second scene of the prologue and especially the first chapter, which is probably fine as long as it’s on purpose. By the first chapter, what humour there was seemed to be mostly the insouciant interactions between L and S, rather than the voice of the writing itself.  

I’m terrible at titling things so I’ll refrain from commenting but I do love “evil hivemind buddycop” as a premise.

[ginger_reckoning]

On 9/4/2024 at 10:25 PM, reisleK said:

Just a heads up, I tend to be blunt with criticism, I don't intend to be rude and apologize if this comes out the wrong way. This is also my first time doing this so I'm still figuring it out.

No, please, be blunt! This is what I am here for. And congrats on first critique, there's no right or wrong way to do it!

On 9/4/2024 at 10:25 PM, reisleK said:

Up until S and P's bit, the tone is more lighthearted and casual. I personally think that part could be cut, or set aside for later if it might fit somewhere. I adore it, it just doesn't seem to fit. 

Noted

 

On 9/4/2024 at 10:25 PM, reisleK said:

 I think you could start with this (and just refer to the crystals by their proper name, and maybe add some context). Oh and there's two periods in the first sentence. Just a heads up. 

Hmm yeah I'll have to think about this. And thanks for catching that!

On 9/4/2024 at 10:25 PM, reisleK said:

Is it a violin or fiddle? Pretty sure those are different. (P. 9/10)

I personally thought they were interchangeable, it was just the style in which they were played that differentiated them. I will have to look into this further

On 9/4/2024 at 10:25 PM, reisleK said:

Did you remember to eat today," is a great detail, but it might be worth amending it to "did you eat today?". As someone with occasional jaw pain (and who does forget to eat for other reasons), the jaw pain will make me have no desire to eat, but I'll know I'm hungry. (p. 11)

On 9/4/2024 at 10:25 PM, reisleK said:

Her wrists are going to hurt if S is pressing on them, right? (p. 13)

On 9/4/2024 at 10:25 PM, reisleK said:

"I'm sure you could. I'll let you know if I find any..." Who is saying this? (p. 14)

Thanks, these are all good points!

10 hours ago, Silk said:

1: I’m enjoying the tone of the writing, but wondering throughout the prologue who the narrator is, since it doesn’t seem to be attached to any particular person or perspective. Also, the writing seems to drift a bit between past and present tense.

 

10 hours ago, Silk said:

P11: I had figured out that this was S, but was surprised you dropped the name, since A presumably wouldn’t have this information, and so far this chapter has been presented as a limited rather than omniscient POV.

Something I've noticed is that I've been drifting in and out of limited 3rd person through a lot of the chapters, which hopefully doesn't become too confusing, but I think works with the voice I've set up? Obviousy if it is too confusing I'll need to work on it

10 hours ago, Silk said:

P3: I was surprised to find we were still in the prologue after the scene break – especially since the tone of the writing does seem to shift a bit here (attached to a specific character, a little less emphasis on the humour).

Likewise, there are some chapters where there is a lot less emphasis on the humor than others. So far the first part of the prologue is the strongest section in that regard, which is why I'm still debating on keeping it. Seeing your comments that you thought it worked does make me happy though!

10 hours ago, Silk said:

is I think the first reference to music also being magic.

I did reference in the first paragraph that her music could make flowers grow. Do you think another reference at another point would be helpful?

10 hours ago, Silk said:

As I’m reading, I’m realizing this is probably the scene referenced in the first line of the chapter about A watching all her loved ones be devoured. I hadn’t realized we were essentially going back in time to witness this.

Oh, I can see how that would be confusing, I didn't even think about that! I'll have to add some kind of line like "tongiht was that night though she didn't know it" or something

10 hours ago, Silk said:

I’m terrible at titling things so I’ll refrain from commenting but I do love “evil hivemind buddycop” as a premise.

Thank! I'm really tempted to call it "Hivemind Earl and the Bone-Hurting Girl"...but I don't think I will, for obvious reasons

Thank you both!

[Mandamon he/him]

Alright! So this was an interesting premise. I think the prologue isn't really one so much as it's a chapter 1. It goes right into the next chapter.

You're right this may be a hard sell. It's waffling in tone between comedic and just extremely painful (to the characters), so, like funny grimdark? I'm having a little trouble placing it. Still interested to read some more though!

Notes while reading:

pg 1: Ok, this is an interesting hook...

pg 2: This might be going on too long? Or is the whole thing about sunglasses?

pg 3: alright...it is a good question, but is this the basis of the story?

pg 6: Interesting intro, and a good mix of bizarre comedy and some horror. I'm still not quite sure what the book is about. Watching S destroy the city?

pg 10: There's a vivid picture painted here. There's a bit of pain for pain's sake though, in the story.

pg 10: Ah. I see. So S is taking over here.

pg 15: I'm hoping something brighter happens sometime during this book. It's set up to be pretty dark and bizarre, but the funny moments aren't really taking away from the bad ones right now. If anything, they might be accentuating them? The story is well-written and interesting, but I'm hoping we get more in the way of heroics with L in the next chapter.

[ginger_reckoning]

6 hours ago, Mandamon said:

so, like funny grimdark? I'm having a little trouble placing it. Still interested to read some more though!

Yeah, I guess comedic grimdark might be a good way of putting it! (grim dark may be a little much, idk what actually qaulifeies something as grimdark so probably just 'dark' but idk) and thank you!!

7 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 3: alright...it is a good question, but is this the basis of the story?

pg 6: Interesting intro, and a good mix of bizarre comedy and some horror. I'm still not quite sure what the book is about. Watching S destroy the city?

Okay, I do swear that the sunglasses do become very important later on, but yeah that is my biggest concern with the prologue. It is kind of just an introduction to a lot of concepts, which I hoped to make interesting with the comedy, but I worry that it will just be distracting. To be fair, they do end up in C city pretty quickly, but yeah. And no, S destroying the city is kind of the inciting incident for the story, even more so than this chapter

7 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 10: There's a vivid picture painted here. There's a bit of pain for pain's sake though, in the story.

That's good to know, I do worry that it might be too much. There is going to be a lot of pain throughout the story because her curse isn't going away, so just let me know if you think its getting to egregious

7 hours ago, Mandamon said:

If anything, they might be accentuating them?

That is interesting to hear! Hmm, the tone is definitely a hard balance for this story already

 

[Appol PhD they/he]

I’m late but I’m excited to get into this!

Overall: I really enjoyed the prologue, and I like the background setup for A in chapter 1 as well. To me the biggest thing that’s missing is a sense of A’s emotional stakes/plot. The pained dancer stuff has a lot of potential, but right now it doesn’t feel like her characterization is distinct from anyone else who just had their crew possessed. As a prescriptive idea, it might be helpful to know a bit about her goals and how this (presumably) ruins them.

As I go:

Pg 1. I like the blending of high fantasy and tongue and cheek corporate advertising. I do think that starting in 2^nd person is pretty risky if you’re not planning to lean on that throughout the story though.

Pg 3. I also like the ending to this first section here. It’s a bit unorthodox to have the conflict stem from something so avoidable, but I think it fits the tongue and cheek tone of this opening. That being said we could use more context as to why the people view the enchantment as being so important.

Pg 6. This section has me intrigued, though with the city being destroyed I’ll need a new hook soon since I did really like how it was set up.

Pg 7-8. The curse is fun setup, though imo it doesn’t carry the momentum of the prologue forward

Pg 9-10. The way L is talking to A makes A seem younger than 16

 Pg 11. While this is believable in the context of the story, I think S’s appearance needs a bit more narrative setup here. Also if L is totally gone then it’s harder to be engaged with her relationship with A that the story spent time building up.