9/3/24 - Ace of Hearts - Everlasting Sunset sub 33, 3436 words (VL)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

 

Sorry for the late submission. I meant to get this out yesterday but it didn't quite happen.

 

Other than that, not a lot of comments for this one. We're at the penultimate submission so I'm curious what people think about the resolution.

 

Thanks!

[ginger_reckoning]

Overall, seems like a good wrap up to the climax. Like before, I don't have a lot of context, but I do have a few thoughts. I think its interesting that B could have used her powers to control everyone, but chose not to because she sees herself as a good person. Very interesting stuff, and it seems like she will still be back later to do stuff. 

I'm not sure why charging the cards was important, and it doesn't seem to come up again. Also, I'm not sure if the soldiers fighting the monsters will be resolved later, or if it already pretty much resolved. If the latter, I would like a little more of a final moment on that part of the battle, personally. 

Again, congrats on wrapping up the book! I want to go back and read the rest of this. 

 

 

P1 “No D and N’s exoskeleton” I found this sentence to be confusing. Maybe “no D and the weakness of N’s exoskeleton” 

 

Could be lack of context, but why was X trying to make more cards if T is the expert? Why not let T do it instead?

 

P3 I think I mentioned this in the last sub, but I’ll mention it again, the interuption trope with the em-dash is noticeable (at least to me)

 

“Of being powerful than one of” more powerful than one of?

 

P5 “blinking in an out” in and out?

 

“Jerked her head” this makes me think she is dodging something, but it seems like she is just looking at something?

 

I like this scene debating B. Very interesting stuff. 

 

P 11

“Killing blow” the words killing blow have been used before, in reference to a different point, so this comes across as repetitive. 

 

P13 “another bubble” this seems like a really big assumption to make, and has a lot of ramifications for all the people living in J haha

 

[Silk she/her]

Penultimate submission—so close to the end!!

I like the soldiers exploring their unfettered abilities, but I’m surprised they have as much time as Xan and T seem to be spending here. I thought the monster attack was not just imminent, but underway.

P3 “We’ll fight for a bit longer.” This makes me curious about areas of retreat/the layout of the battlefield. Are they able to retreat but choosing not to to try and keep the monsters off of innocent people?  

I’m also curious about how many monsters there are, since they seem to be focusing on taking down individual ones. I’m just missing a sense of scale and how hopeless this should feel, I think.

“Pall…?” But Xan already knows M, doesn’t he? And if the resemblance to P is that obvious, why has no one spotted it before?

P6 “I know these rats murdered G…” surprised B seems to be attempting to capitulate to L here. She’s been pretty openly villainous up to this point, and hasn’t seemed to answer to anyone in particular.

Overall: This was a surprisingly non-violent resolution! Which I think could work, but I did feel like B gave up rather easily here, even though you’ve been foreshadowing this for a bit. Regardless of the “peaceful” (hah) resolution here, I think I was hoping to see a bit more resistance out of the main villain, instead of just telling her a bunch of stuff she didn’t want to hear until she went away. Which I think comes back to setup again—you’ll see in my LBLs I was a little confused about where B actually fit in this organization (or where she was pretending to fit, maybe—not to mention, how many people in this room know what she actually is, and what’s the significance of that to them)? A better understanding of the ministerial politics and where B fits in that picture would probably help this resolution feel more significant.

13 hours ago, ginger_reckoning said:

Also, I'm not sure if the soldiers fighting the monsters will be resolved later, or if it already pretty much resolved. If the latter, I would like a little more of a final moment on that part of the battle, personally. 

I had assumed there was more to come on this but I think that's a good point, if not resolved in the next/last submission especially. But making a little more of the fight could be a fun juxtaposition with the events in A's scene, too.

[Mandamon he/him]

Almost to the end!

So like @Silk said, B might give up a little too easily? Or it's strange that no one else has called her on this before. The stuff about the larger universe sort of comes with a big "thud" at the end. I've asked about that before, but none of the characters have really thought about it so to say, "oh yeah and there are like a million other places like this too," takes away some of what they've been fighting for.

Looking forward to the conclusion!

Notes while reading:

pg 4: I'm still not as invested in X's side of the story than A's. A lot of these first pages seem like combat to fill space. There are some revelations, but they're not at central to the story as A's.

pg 8: The dominoes are starting to fall here, but I almost get the feeling they're falling too easily? Like, could any of the ministers in the last however many hundreds of years figured this out as well?

pg 9: I'm also a little lost on the reasoning. Is B's whole thing that soldiers were predominantly male and guilty of more violence in the past?

pg 11: And then one by one, the ministers voiced their agreement"
--This would be great to see in dialogue.

pg 13: "small little experiment"
--Ah. I had wondered about this before, if there was a wider universe out there. Seems there is. I'm wondering if this will lead into a second or third book?