7/29/24 - Ace of Hearts - Everlasting Sunset sub 31, 4412 words (VLG)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

 

This submission is the start of the climactic final conflict, and while the emotional buildup with the soldiers in part 3 will be revised I'm not sure if I'll need to change the major events of this climax--looking forward to hearing thoughts on the matter!

 

Thanks!

[Mandamon he/him]

Got to this one while waiting for my plane to Scotland!

Overall, this was a good "payoff" chapter. We see a lot of fighting, but it's all in service of the characters and plot. I think B is a little weakened as a character just because H is a strong villain here, and has a reason for what he's doing. B is just sort of...causing trouble because she can? There's a lot about philosophical differences, but I think this is where leaning on the gender roles and whether clones are the same person earlier in the book will make M's reasoning stronger here.

 

Notes while reading:

pg 2: I was a little confused going into this because it's a bit of a jump from the last chapter. It's probably good to cut off getting into the fight here, but maybe throw a line or two of description to set where they are?

pg 6: good fight with H. He seems a lot more real than the other villains. However, there's a line about A's energy draining, but there's not really any description of attacks landing.
There's one right after I wrote this, but not any leading to that point.

pg 14:  good chapter overall! Not really any comments, but having H and B one after the other show how much more effective H is at being a villain. B comes across as more mustache-twirling, where H has a (twisted) reason for what he's doing.

pg 15: Okay, I got lost on the last couple lines. Is B saying M is actually P? I think I'm getting lost with names we haven't seen in a while.

[Silk she/her]

P2 “…would let G know C was missing…” Hmm, not totally sure I buy this as an excuse not to act, since G can tap their comms anyway. I would assume she can also track C?

 P4 “…this one the power to shape J and Ix.” Is “this one” Hex, or B? I’m not fully sure what H’s role is, so far it seems like he’s been acting on orders rather than leading/shaping the conspiracy.

P6 “…the light of the weapons and exoskeleton was dimmer.” I feel like A just came to this realization about her own exoskeleton just a couple paragraphs ago, having her come to the same realization about Hex feels redundant.

P10 “…but I have to my end of the deal now.” Missing word?

“He was going for M.” Partly WRS, but this was a surprise since they’ve been absent this whole chapter so far.

“He let out a scream in her earpiece” I just realized, does this mean they’ve all been on a common channel this whole time? Or has H been speaking to A because he’s been able to tap her communications?

P12 “…wasn’t that supposed to require doomspeaking?” I’m unsure why this is a surprise for A.

P13 “I saved this soldier from violent death…” Wait, where actually did Hex go?

P15 “A saw them turned, which must be towards C.” Stumbled on this line. I think there’s a grammar thing but also just a quick clarity thing that needs addressing.

Overall: Aside from some clarity on blocking, who’s where and doing what, etc., I think you’re right that probably this chapter will not require many changes, I think it will be more about making changes in previous chapters to support the build-up to us getting here. I am curious about what will finally (presumably) sow the seeds of A and team’s breakthrough that allows them to defeat B, because I’m not sure what that thing is yet, but we also don’t seem to have been set up for a “good guys lose” scenario.

I would agree with Mandamon as well. Of the two, Hex seems to be the stronger villain in this chapter. We have a bit of a hint about B's conflict with her brother (who A is a clone of) but it doesn't quite come through yet.