6/3/24 - Ace of Hearts - Everlasting Sunset Sub 26, 4445 words (L)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm back with another submission. Parts of the climax and resolution play off the ideas presented in this chapter, but I'm worried that it's too expository/dense/confusing here so I'm curious to see what people think. Thanks as always!

[Silk she/her]

Hey look! I'm responding reasonably promptly for once! 

Ads I read: 

The opening sentence of this chapter is a bit of a bear, I had to read it a couple of times to fully follow.

“And then came the biggest surprise. Young boys…” I’m surprised by how easily most of the characters seem to integrate this concept of gender into their own thoughts since it’s been presented as foreign to them But also, I thought Xan actually noticed this last chapter as well?

P3 “I know that better than anyone.” So presumably Princess L is from a line of clones, but are those clones all trans? This seems contrary to what you set up with A and Am.

P4 Referring to the queen as an “insurgent” seems inaccurate. If there is a power structure outside the queen, I don’t understand it well enough to understand what she is rebelling against.

               Edit: Ditto the later comment about occupying a factory. Can’t the queen just have it shut down?

P6 “What about the fact that they’re all going to get their memories wiped…” Wait, so what actually is the plan here? I had assumed it was close the factory and cut the ministry off from this labour source all together, at least at this specific factory, but apparently they’re still going to get turned into soldiers regardless?

               Edit: I actually think the “we need soldiers, we have to keep some of this system in place for the greater good” is a really interesting conflict to pull on. What I’m not understanding is the practicalities of this factory occupation and what (and how) it’s supposed to achieve.

P12 “Not everything we figure out is gifted to us…” Yeah, that line from I struck me sort of oddly, pretty much for the reason Xan says. Glad it’s called out here.

“Give the kids easier hour and make up the labour with teenage soldiers…” I’m still not understanding how the factory works and what the insurgents are actually looing to change.

Also wondering why Xan being born at the same time as Zo meant that one of them was supposed to have been killed? Wouldn’t the extra soldier just have been put to work? I think this could be as simple as “we only have resources for one and view you all as interchangeable/replacable” but there needs to be a reason.

Overall: There’s some interesting stuff in this chapter, but it went on a little long without much happening—it felt more focused on explaining stuff that had happened before than setting up the stakes for what comes next, which is probably why it felt a little dense. For me, it also meant the development at the end of the chapter (which is great as a thing that happens) comes as a total surprise.

The “bureaucracy” as a force really hasn’t had much development, so I don’t understand what the specific aims of the characters are in this chapter—which I touched on a couple of places—or how much danger there is in them doing it. Is the development at the end of the chapter viewed by the characters as an inevitability, but one worth whatever specific end they’re hoping to achieve? Or is it a real danger but one that may or may not happen? Those two things will have a very different feel, and I think understanding that better will help the chapter land more powerfully.

[Mandamon he/him]

Finally caught up!

So again, similar thoughts to @Silk. We learn a lot of cool things here, but are they ones that A couldn't discover? She was involved in much of the same history, and switching over to a new character for these revelations so close to the end feels like almost a different story. There's a lot of information here that would be helpful to A.

I'm also confused on why the queen doesn't have the power her title implies. We haven't ever really seen "The bureaucracy" so I'm not sure how powerful it is. I like the content here, I'm just wondering if it's the wrong voice, or if we need to have more POVs with X a lot earlier in the book, if this is where he's developing.

Notes while reading:

Pg 1: Ah, so we're still with the B-team for this one.

pg 2: “Psionics can do anything"
--of, yeah, that's harsh. I wonder if shortening and combining the last chapter with this one to get to this scene sooner would make more impact?

pg 3: Yeah, this whole discussion of gender needs to be a lot stronger way back in the beginning.

pg 4: I'd love to have some more hints of this in the beginning, especially that the queen might be involved. I can't remember if L said anything about that.

pg 5: I have questions on why the queen isn't in charge?

pg 7: I might have more questions than answers about how all this works after that explanation...

pg 8: "After all, him persuaded " -> "After all, he persuaded "

Pg 11: I'm not sure why the soldiers can come up with a solution for everything when the queen and her ministers can't?

pg 15: interesting stuff about X's past!

pg 17: Well, that escalated! I think some of this reveal is good at this point, but a lot feels like it should be with our main character (A) and not with the soldiers, or even a character who didn't come in until the second part (I think?). This is generating a lot more questions about the world, though, which feels like it's coming very late in the book.