Ask Duxredux for Solicited Advice

[Duxredux]

Well... after I got tagged to convince someone to stay on the Shard, I thought I might as well make a formal offer for solicited advice. As opposed to my usual modus operandi of dispensing unsolicited advice.

I'm not an expert at anything in particular but I am a jack-of-all trades and I think about things. As a disclaimer, if I think Google, ChatGPT, or another publicly available resource can give you as good or better advice than I can, I will be using those resources though perhaps with personal commentary.

I'm not exactly one for a conventional AMA, as I have other obligations that trump 17th Shard (I think I've been pretty open that I'm married and have a toddler), but if you want to ask me more general questions to get my opinions on things, feel free to. I guess a main benefit of talking to me over non-Sharders is that I can draw from Brandon's works to demonstrate concepts.

[CtrlAltDepressed]

How would you recommend dealing with the Moash in our lives?

 

 

[Duxredux]

19 hours ago, CtrlAltDepressed said:

How would you recommend dealing with the Moash in our lives?

Moash is a particularly touchy subject and this thread got to 4 pages of debate on if Moash could get a redemption arc or if he even should. This is a link to my response. Moash means a lot to different people, so if none of this fits the core of what you were thinking about, feel free to let me know. I have a few possible interpretations and to save on post space, I'll put them in spoilers after the questions.

• What should I do if I think a friend is a bad influence on me and going off the deep end?

Spoiler

Let's see... really the first thing I would recommend is self-evaluation. Are you in a position of safety and stability within the context of the other person Moash-ing? If you are not in a position of safety or stability, then your first priority needs to be getting to a position of safety and stability. Know your own mind, boundaries, and what is and is not a safe place for you. This can be physically, emotionally, socially, mentally, or financially. Something that Kaladin did repeatedly that was a bad idea was to try to help Moash when he himself was unstable. He was waffling when Moash was talking him into regicide, and he was suffering from burnout and major depression when Moash was talking him into suicide. If you need to get a reliable third party in, a Rock or Renarin to break up a bad situation, then try to do that, it can make a big difference in sorting things out. It can be really hard to create distance between yourself and someone you really care about that seems to be making terrible decisions, but I'm not sure how to put it stronger, make sure you don't go down with them. No matter what the internet says, your best friend isn't the one asking you for help to hide a body. Don't be an enabler if that means enabling someone wrecking their lives and your own. You really aren't doing them any favors and if they tie your friendship to really questionable life decisions, you need to think hard if you want to go where they're going. You may have to make the call if you can still care for them without participating in what they are doing and if you can genuinely do that under pressure.

Okay, you say, I'm stable, I know myself, I'm not in danger, what do I to with regards to my friend/former friend? I don't have a one size fits all answer here, because the range of possibilities is so broad, but I'd would suggest having a very direct conversation with them to understand why they are making the decisions they are making that are making you worried. There may be something deeper going on than what you can see and learning the core of why they are doing what they are doing can help you understand better. Use you're best judgment on how deeply you need to dig, but I find it's best to be frank and open about why you're having the conversation in the first place and why you really want to know what they're thinking if they're going to be pulling you into a questionable situation. This might sound obvious when I say it, but give yourself plenty of time to listen to what they have to say, think about it, and give the best responses you feel like you have. If they genuinely value you or your opinion I feel like they will let you take the time to give a good response, though sometimes I've had to say, "give me some time, I want to think about what you've just said". Beyond that, it's a case by case basis. You may find that the direction they are taking in their lives is one they are content will separate them from you. You may find that there is something deeper going on and the situation is more complicated than you thought. You may be able to come to terms with your friend, or decide that a parting of ways is necessary. I've had a very frank discussion with a friend who was making decisions I couldn't in good conscious support them in and eventually we acknowledged with tears that we really did care about each other but that it would be better and healthier for both of us if we stopped interacting as much. Dramatic declarations are showy and good for media and building tension in a story and seems to be a staple in some of the grittier shows running now, but give me communication skills, patience, and seeking confirmation of the other's intentions any day. I agree heavily with Hoid's monologue on not jumping to conclusions in TotES.

• What should I do if a friend or trusted individual (family, coworker, etc.) betrays me?

Spoiler

I once sat with a couple who were thinking about how to respond after learning that an extended family member had molested one of their children. I've visited a man laying a hospital after getting stabbed in the back with a kitchen knife by his stepson. Those were some of the hardest times in my life in terms of knowing what to say. Still don't know if I said the right things. A lot of my thoughts will follow my advice on a friend negatively influencing you and making poor life choices.

I'll start by saying that retaliation and revenge, while they are classic motivations in stories, generally don't bring peace. It can feel good and cathartic to retaliate and get revenge, particularly when the other person has hurt you or those you love badly and feelings of pain, anger, and confusion are strong, but it won't really make anything better in the long run. I used to sit and listen to WWII and Vietnam veterans tell some of their stories when I was younger, still would if I had more opportunity. I think within two blocks of the house I grew up in, I knew one sniper, one intelligence officer, a naval submarine officer, and one who had been hit with mustard gas and had a very distinctive cough and wheeze. I remember the intelligence officer talking about how much anger and glee came from his team doing their utmost best to get as many of the other side killed because of how many of their own friends had been killed. It was a horrible positive feedback loop and he had to work for years to not feel reflexive hatred whenever he ran into one of those "Japs". I'm glad, and didn't know this about him for years because of how kind he was and would occasionally visit my family or pull out his snow blower in the winter and snow blow our sidewalk, even though I'm Japanese American. I probably looked a lot like the enemy to those old war vets, but they were kind to me.

I don't have any advice on if you want revenge or payback, it's not the route I would recommend. If you are looking for reconciliation or establishing boundaries, then it's so dependent on the situation, and the nature of the betrayal. Think hard about what you and they need for a safe space. Similar to the above response, try to get on stable and safe ground yourself and determine what you and your family/friends need to be safe. Some of this won't apply for more dangerous things, particularly if you're trying to talk to them behind the glass of a prison visitor room, so use your discretion to disregard every bit of advice I give next. Once you have yourself under control. I would ask for a time to talk to them, and then talk about the betrayal. I'd recommend avoiding assigning blame and seeking to understand their motivations for why they did what they did. For smaller things you may find they the betrayal wasn't even intended or they weren't even aware that they had hurt you. For larger things, then for someone to betray you they have a motivation that at one point was greater than concern for your well being. Understanding what that is can be very illuminating. Something that I haven't seen often discussed with this topic is that asking for restriction on the betrayer's part can be a kindness. To use the example of the parents dealing with a family member who molested their child, it is not a kindness to put the molester back into a situation where they may be sorely tempted by pedophilic urges - and I feel like framing it as such helps expand the conversation. The degree that you trust them again or ask for evidences that they have made changes in their lives is dependent on the nature of the betrayal and the extent of the potential damage they could cause. If they don't show remorse or a desire to change, well... you can't make them change and you'll need to figure out what to do when their other motives are more important than you or your relationship.

I'm guessing you don't mean:

• How do I talk my old friend who has committed multiple homicides and keeps trying to talk me into committing suicide into going back to how they used to be?
  • If it's at this level, call law enforcement, maybe get a restraining order or SWAT involved. I'm not the best person to talk to for anything at this level.

Phew. Doozy of a first question. I reformatted this and added thoughts to hopefully improve clarity and sectioning off ideas.

Edited February 21 by Duxredux
Added thoughts.