20231212 - Robinski - The Hygeia Hijack (Part 1 or 2) - 5842 words (LVS)

[Robinski he/him]

Hello everyone,

 

Wow, it's been a long time since I subbed here. Excited to be back at it after being away writing (of course!).

 

This is part one of two parts of a short story of 11,800 words. So, pretty much half. Sorry it's a bit over the 5,000 words, and apologies in advance for next week.

 

Anything and everything you want to say is fine by me, so feel free to give broad comments, specifics, line edits, whatever you fancy.

 

This story parallels my first published work, The Bibliothek Betrayal. That story features one of my main characters off on his own doing stuff. This story features the second main character, and what she (Moth) is doing while Quirk is off in Europe.

 

These two stories take place after my first two novels (in signature below), but hopefully this stands on its own.

 

Many thanks for any and all comments!

 

Robin CM Duncan (Robinski)

[Robinski he/him]

I really am sorry about the length of this. I suppose I could have split it into three parts, but that seemed like overkill for what it is. LMK if it's an issue.

 

[Mandamon he/him]

Interesting cast of characters for this one! I'm glad we get to see some of M's associates.

Overall, I think it moves just a tad slowly before we get to the hijacking and what happens, but that does let us get to know the other characters. There are a lot for something this short! So far I'm keeping them separate, though I wonder if everyone will be needed in the end.

A few blocking comments and unclear references, which I've marked, but overall enjoyable! I'll wait to read the rest to give my final opinion.

 

Notes while reading:

pg 3: "She’d always been weak; weak and pretty, a lousy combination for this line of work."
--Interesting intro. I wonder if not starting with one of the main characters would be an issue for people coming to this from Q&M?

pg 3: "tomato leaves"
--why?

pg 4: okay, so this is pretty much meant for people who have read TMM and TCC?

pg 5: "M remembered she had friends."
--Good to see this, but it's not really mentioned in the other stories.

pg 6: And of course I had to look back at TBB to see this was the same conversation.

pg 7: "even schlumping in angle of front and side windows"
--something missing in this sentence?

pg 8: "J tried really hard not to beam."
--maybe a bit out of POV? Also, this section ends on a reaction not from M, which I would expect as it's her POV. A good intro to the other students though.

pg 8: "That wasn’t even her being mean"
--what wasn't? I'm missing why that's mean.

pg 8: "compressed would pulp" -> "compressed wood pulp?

pg 9: Tho. and Tu. are the same person right? Confusing to switch back and forth with the names.

pg 10: "And why was she following this ridiculous..."
--glad that was addressed. I was wondering.

pg 10: "floated ten minutes away"
--So I'm guessing this is a rescue training exercise?

pg 11: “How long can you hold your breath"
--What is this in reference to?

pg 12: "Speed of sound..."
--I'm guessing all this is calculations and not part of the story?

pg 13: Welp, guess M has had some good training with Q.

pg 14: "Why was she stilling worrying about the dumb forfeit?"
--I thought this was referring to S, but I think it's M thinking about herself? Took me a couple reads to get through.

pg 17: Maybe a little more closure in this section? We still don't really know what's going on, and M didn't actually talk to S like she says she was going to.

pg 18: "...maybe all she would have"
--very long sentence.

pg 20: A little confusion with the blocking here. I'm not sure where the heat shield is coming in and what Moth's doing.

[Robinski he/him]

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Interesting cast of characters for this one! I'm glad we get to see some of M's associates.

Overall, I think it moves just a tad slowly before we get to the hijacking and what happens, but that does let us get to know the other characters. There are a lot for something this short! So far I'm keeping them separate, though I wonder if everyone will be needed in the end.

A few blocking comments and unclear references, which I've marked, but overall enjoyable! I'll wait to read the rest to give my final opinion.

Thank you so much for reading. Much appreciated.

Yep, I totally get the pacing thing. Maybe they are not needed, and if that's the outcome, I can consider dropping a character. I just felt that such a group should have a certain number, but I'll reserve judgement to get your final comments. Also, I wanted to have enough to think of them as a crew, and give a wee bit of a Star Trek vibe 

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Notes while reading:

pg 3: "She’d always been weak; weak and pretty, a lousy combination for this line of work."
--Interesting intro. I wonder if not starting with one of the main characters would be an issue for people coming to this from Q&M?

Good point. Noted!

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "tomato leaves"
--why?

Was aiming to give a little insight into how food works on Hygiea, in terms of what they grow and what they import.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 4: okay, so this is pretty much meant for people who have read TMM and TCC?

It seems to me impossible to write this story without acknowledging the effect of these events on M, but maybe I can modify a bit. What I have very little sense of - being so embroiled and immerse in it all - is how much I can get away with in terms of details that will cause first-time readers to think "Oh, that sounds interesting, I must check that out" versus "What the heck is he talking about. I don't understand any of this!"

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 5: "M remembered she had friends."
--Good to see this, but it's not really mentioned in the other stories.

They're new friends, of course, since Moth only went to Hygiea for the first time at the end of Book 1 (TMM), which was 4th October 2099, and this is 8th December 2099, so two months ago.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 6: And of course I had to look back at TBB to see this was the same conversation.

I realised I had to have it verbatim of course, for continuity reasons 

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 7: "even schlumping in angle of front and side windows"
--something missing in this sentence?

Check; edited.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 8: "J tried really hard not to beam."
--maybe a bit out of POV? Also, this section ends on a reaction not from M, which I would expect as it's her POV. A good intro to the other students though.

Good points; edited!

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 8: "That wasn’t even her being mean"
--what wasn't? I'm missing why that's mean.

The idea was that Moth would think it really sad and pathetic to have a family clipboard, passed down through generations, but that in this case it is fact. So, she's not actually being mean.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 8: "compressed would pulp" -> "compressed wood pulp?

Oh, dear goodness... Thanks 

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 9: Tho. and Tu. are the same person right? Confusing to switch back and forth with the names.

Check. It's a bit of an issue. I'll lean much more heavily on one of the two 'Tho', with maybe just an occasionally 'Tu'.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "And why was she following this ridiculous..."
--glad that was addressed. I was wondering.

I'll keep an eye on this.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 10: "floated ten minutes away"
--So I'm guessing this is a rescue training exercise?

it is. Not sufficiently clear from context? I can have someone say it, if you think that would be better.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 11: “How long can you hold your breath"
--What is this in reference to?

I think (without reading the entire preceding page) it was M having a wee jibe at J, as test captain. I can drop or reword if it's confusing.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 12: "Speed of sound..."
--I'm guessing all this is calculations and not part of the story?

Oops! Yes - forgot to delete.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 13: Welp, guess M has had some good training with Q.

Heh! Can you expand on that, please? Just not 100% sure which bit you're reacting to, and never certain the pagination carries over between A4 and US page size.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 14: "Why was she stilling worrying about the dumb forfeit?"
--I thought this was referring to S, but I think it's M thinking about herself? Took me a couple reads to get through.

Eck. Typo on 'stilling' for one thing. Yes, thinking about herself. I'll seek to clarify.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 17: Maybe a little more closure in this section? We still don't really know what's going on, and M didn't actually talk to S like she says she was going to.

Yeah, that's not a great emotional payoff there. Agreed.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 18: "...maybe all she would have"
--very long sentence.

Check. Have split up and trimmed both a little.

19 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 20: A little confusion with the blocking here. I'm not sure where the heat shield is coming in and what Moth's doing.

I've edited. There is a key word missing, which is 'inflatable'. Inflatable heat shields are being investigated now, because of course the fuel involved in getting a heavy heat shield into orbit is expansive, and heavy in itself, necessitating even more extra fuel to launch the extra fuel for the heat shield into orbit in the first place. Yay!

Thanks for much again for reading. In terms of pacing up to the hijack, yes, fair comment. I'm sure I can trim words, and I'll see what other reaction I get, but I can see that it would feel slow.

 

[Appol PhD they/he]

Haven’t read your stuff in a while so it’s good to see you again!

Overall: I liked the core of the story here with M having to deal with G while at the same time grappling with her trauma of having killed someone before. The opening does a good job setting up G being the worst in a fun way that makes me excited to see if/how M will take him down. What didn’t work as well for me was everything in between. It takes a long time from M’s PoV to get us back to the actual conflict that was set up in the opening, and while I see why her friends have to be present none of their interactions really grabbed me. I think this was because the opening set up a clear conflict and anything we see in scene not related to that conflict isn’t going to be as engaging to me as something that is, i.e. signaling M to stop antagonizing G is fine because that’s related to the conflict I care about, but their banter with each other before setting out doesn’t grab me. I’m sure this is partially because I’m not familiar with these characters but I also think that even if I were I’d rather see their interactions revolve more directly around the conflict. I think this could mean trimming pgs 4-14 and/or keeping the discussion on relevant topics like how M has the best skills out of the group to deal with (at least certain types of) dangerous situations but has some trauma about what happened before.  

As I go:

Pg 1-2. The second paragraph is where we get some real characterization, and I think could function as a better opening than the first one.  

Pg 3. Feels like a bit of the struggle is missing here. Also, it could be nice to know more about G and L’s history with each other. This reads different for G’s characterization (which is what I’m assuming matters here) if they’ve been on missions together for years vs met each other a couple days ago.

Pg 3-4. Even if I had full context here I think this could use more of an active hook instead of (or along with) the retrospection

-Also, even if people have read the previous work in this world I think a reminder could be nice of who these characters are. It’s tough for a short form story but a recap in the style of how sequels quickly go over context from previous books could help.

 Pg 6-8. I’m still having a hard time seeing the hook, and ideally it’s something that I could pick up on even with no knowledge of these characters. We get that M’s trauma is important and always lingers with her, but I don’t see signs of movement that turn it into a real plot focus.

Pg 10. This definitely is something that not knowing these characters makes trickier but I’m not sure what having so many people here adds to the story. Though maybe it works itself out if I get a clearer idea of the plot motion I’m supposed to track.

Pg 14-15. Glad we’re coming around to (presumably) what happened at the start. Right now I’m engaged with M dealing with the hijacker but not most of the surrounding details about her friends  

-Also with so many names M’s J name for the hijacker gets a bit blended in with everything else (especially with another character whose name starts with Ja). Not a big deal but I wonder if it would be clearer and provide more characterization if she settled on one of her insulting nicknames for him.

Pg 17. Okay, here’s where the trauma becomes relevant to the plot. This is the kind of thing I was looking for at the start of M’s PoV and if there’s nothing like this that can be put into those scenes then I’m not sure how necessary they are for the story.

-I like the observation that M makes about the hijacker probably planning to kill them. I think we could use a little more right away on what she’s planning to do about that.

[Robinski he/him]

This is great stuff, thanks so much! I'll come back tomorrow and go through again in detail, but I can see very useful things here. Much appreciated

[Mandamon he/him]

6 hours ago, Robinski said:

On 12/13/2023 at 4:38 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 3: "tomato leaves"
--why?

Was aiming to give a little insight into how food works on Hygiea, in terms of what they grow and what they import.

Except tomato leaves are poisonous, right? Or at least inedible.

6 hours ago, Robinski said:

It seems to me impossible to write this story without acknowledging the effect of these events on M, but maybe I can modify a bit. What I have very little sense of - being so embroiled and immerse in it all - is how much I can get away with in terms of details that will cause first-time readers to think "Oh, that sounds interesting, I must check that out" versus "What the heck is he talking about. I don't understand any of this!"

I'll see what I think at the end and if there are spots where it could be more stand-alone

6 hours ago, Robinski said:

Heh! Can you expand on that, please? Just not 100% sure which bit you're reacting to, and never certain the pagination carries over between A4 and US page size.

Just meaning that she's recognizing and reacting to the situation before the one in command. 

6 hours ago, Robinski said:

On 12/13/2023 at 4:38 PM, Mandamon said:

pg 8: "That wasn’t even her being mean"
--what wasn't? I'm missing why that's mean.

The idea was that Moth would think it really sad and pathetic to have a family clipboard, passed down through generations, but that in this case it is fact. So, she's not actually being mean.

Ok. I didn't even clock that would be a thing someone would comment on...

[Robinski he/him]

8 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Except tomato leaves are poisonous, right? Or at least inedible.

Oh, man, yeah, it's carrots leaves you can eat. Thanks, good catch. I believe tomatoes, like potatoes, are a member of the nightshade family? So, yeah, let's not eat that...

8 hours ago, Mandamon said:

I'll see what I think at the end and if there are spots where it could be more stand-alone.

8 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Just meaning that she's recognizing and reacting to the situation before the one in command. 

Oh, right. Excellent!!

8 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Ok. I didn't even clock that would be a thing someone would comment on...

Yeah, I'll tidy that up, one way or another. Might just cut, we'll see.

Thanks again!

[Silk she/her]

So G pretty much immediately becomes someone I dislike intensely, but I assume this is deliberate.

Edit, p2: yeah, okay, definitely deliberate then. Carry on.

“An hour of emergency operating time for three people” unsure if this is an hour each or an hour between the three of them (as in a man-hour), though not sure it matters given the setup so far.

P2 “Once close enough, he slashed the fabric…” I wonder if we can get a transition that is just a tiny bit more ominous here, something that better signals the shift from “I have a plan” to “the plan is murder.”

“Her mistake had caused the ragged tear…” “her mistake had caused” just to clarify that this refers to the previous crash, not something that is happening right now?

P3 “the extra thirty minutes of air—extra two hours once…” Not sure the math adds up here: killing the first person adds thirty minutes but killing the second adds an extra ninety minutes on top?

I stumbled on “can’t delegate discipline.” It’s a great line, just not sure what it has to do with making sandwiches.

P4 “He would have strangled Q…” stumbled on “he” here, maybe just because the reference to N was a couple sentences ago?

“She thought about shooting Q’s son in the head” Oh, but THIS, this very baldly stated juxtaposition with very normal things, this works very well. (The sentence is missing a period at the end though :P)

p5 “...bought the concern to remind her of choosing to anoint him” Tripped on this sentence – it’s a bit convoluted, even for someone who’s read TMM.

Also, I’m assuming from all the glances off-screen that Something Is Up with M’s friend.

P6 “Where the… did that come from?” Because you’ve italicized Q’s dialogue throughout this snippet the italics here make it easy to read as a continuation of the dialogue when it’s not. You might be able to get away without?

“even schlumping in angle of front and side windows” I’m using the word “stumble” a lot, but yeah, here too. I don’t actually know what this means?

P7 “Wasn’t like the calories… went into data processing.” HAH. This, however, is great.

“Hard to tell the waking nightmares…” this is astoundingly forthright of M, really.

P8 “genuine 2000’s compressed would pulp” should be “wood” of course.

P10 “busy making serious face” missing word in here somewhere

p11 “As J decided on how to rescue T…” Wait, is this an actual rescue mission? If so, I feel like that needs to come up earlier in the scene. We get M’s anxiety that he’s been separated from the rest of the crew, but until now I had thought that was her feeling anxiety about a planned operation, not that something had gone wrong. Unless this is a drill?

P12 “You’re relieved of temporary command” – repetition of M’s “took over command” comment above

“…no more danger than we are.” Hah. Great line to end the scene on.

“...and shot Lieutenant S…” Well that escalated quickly. More seriously, we already know that whats-his-pickle is a bad dude, but I wonder if a little more buildup of “all is not well” is in order here. Could be as simple as M getting a chance to expand on what’s not right, as opposed to just “something” while S ignores her.

P16 I been through the sims a thousand times.” missing opening quote

“alien barbecue” noooooo

p17: so in this scene, M references the first-aid thing as a chance to communicate with S. Great! Good cloak-and-dagger, counter-espionage stuff. Except… then that doesn’t happen.

God, this guy is such an a-hole.

I’m a little surprised he doesn’t at least put up a show of “totally not going to kill you all, UNLESS,” though, if only because “do what I say and everything will be fine” seems like a more convincing way to get people to help you without melting into screaming panic than “do what I say or I’ll kill you sooner,” as M so astutely pointed out,

So far, I have no idea what’s happening with T and the heat shield, or what M is attempting to accomplish by throwing herself off the ship. I’m on board for finding out though.

Overall: Just because it’s a short piece, I wonder if it takes a little too long to get to “there’s an escape pod out there that shouldn’t be;” maybe not to actually arrive there but at least to get the setup that something’s out there that shouldn’t be. I’m engaged with M and co’s antics just fine, but it does take a while for the story to actually spell out the connection between the two POV characters (even though we’re expecting a connection).

That said, once the two stories do intersect, things start happening very quickly – possibly even too quickly. We skip over things like what happened to T and how much danger he’s actually in, or at least would be under normal circumstances, and the team’s discovery of the bodies and G putting them to work. Granted, the latter is stuff we already know, but it did strike me as a bit of a weird jump.

I’m also very curious as to what the antagonist’s plan actually is. I’d sort of wondered up at the top, then discarded it because it was too early to be complaining about not knowing, but I can only assume he wasn’t expecting to run into M and her crew.

All that said this is pretty minor stuff. I’m bought in and enjoying watching M try not to swear her way through this adventure

On 12/15/2023 at 5:05 PM, Mandamon said:

Ok. I didn't even clock that would be a thing someone would comment on...

I had to read the sentence a second time (it was the "mean" comment that made me do the double-take) but once I did I did cotton onto the the "omg an actual clipboard" thing, so this is probably just one of those YMMV things.

 

On 12/15/2023 at 10:44 AM, Robinski said:

I realised I had to have it verbatim of course, for continuity reasons 

The conversation remains delightful, and is a fun little nod to TBB but - since one of the common comments seems to be that we could get to the core of the story a bit quicker - do we need it at all? The only thing it adds to the Q&M canon is the "where does that come from" comment from M, which is lovely and is going to play well with people who have read other Q&M stories and with those who haven't, not at all - especially since I'm assuming Q does not figure into the rest of this story either.

[Robinski he/him]

On 12/15/2023 at 9:10 PM, Ace of Hearts said:

Haven’t read your stuff in a while so it’s good to see you again!

Thank you once again for those excellent comments. I've now been through them in detail in the document and marked it up for the edit, and there is such a lot of valuable perspective there, it's going to be really helpful in aiding me to probably compress the first 'half' of the story, cut out unnecessary stuff, and see if I can weave more tension through it to carry the reader to the more immersive (I think) sharp end of the story. Really great stuff  

Thank you so much for your comments, @Silk, which I just know will challenge the story in all the best ways!

I'll respond in detail shortly

[Robinski he/him]

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

"An hour of emergency operating time for three people” unsure if this is an hour each or an hour between the three of them (as in a man-hour), though not sure it matters given the setup so far.

Check - clarified that it's each.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

P2 “Once close enough, he slashed the fabric…” I wonder if we can get a transition that is just a tiny bit more ominous here, something that better signals the shift from “I have a plan” to “the plan is murder.”

Check. Done.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

“Her mistake had caused the ragged tear…” “her mistake had caused” just to clarify that this refers to the previous crash, not something that is happening right now?

Check.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

P3 “the extra thirty minutes of air—extra two hours once…” Not sure the math adds up here: killing the first person adds thirty minutes but killing the second adds an extra ninety minutes on top?

Yeah, he's just aggregating the increases. So, with them having an hour each, he and S get an extra 30 mins when he kills L, but when he kills S he has 2 hours more than he started with before he killed anyone.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

I stumbled on “can’t delegate discipline.” It’s a great line, just not sure what it has to do with making sandwiches.

Reworded, thanks

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

P4 “He would have strangled Q…” stumbled on “he” here, maybe just because the reference to N was a couple sentences ago?

Check.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

“She thought about shooting Q’s son in the head” Oh, but THIS, this very baldly stated juxtaposition with very normal things, this works very well. (The sentence is missing a period at the end though :P)

Check! 

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

p5 “...bought the concern to remind her of choosing to anoint him” Tripped on this sentence – it’s a bit convoluted, even for someone who’s read TMM.

I mean, it would help if I got her cousin's name right after two books: it's M as in Super M, not M as in M Polo  - Also, yeah, clarified the line... by making it longer, obviously   Furthermore, I love the interpretation of this comment that implies TMM is nothing but massive run-on sentences

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

Also, I’m assuming from all the glances off-screen that Something Is Up with M’s friend.

Clarified. She'd supposed to be looking at her brother who's urging there to ask if M's coming on the exercise. Probably doesn't really come out, but I've clarified.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

P6 “Where the… did that come from?” Because you’ve italicized Q’s dialogue throughout this snippet the italics here make it easy to read as a continuation of the dialogue when it’s not. You might be able to get away without?

Check. Dropped the italics and reworded slightly to put it in int-monologue narrative.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

“even schlumping in angle of front and side windows” I’m using the word “stumble” a lot, but yeah, here too. I don’t actually know what this means?

Totally fair, it's not clear. Mandamon called it too. I've changed to 'slouched', can you slouch when sitting? I think you can.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

P7 “Wasn’t like the calories… went into data processing.” HAH. This, however, is great.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

“Hard to tell the waking nightmares…” this is astoundingly forthright of M, really.

Yeah, but I figured it was on-brand.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

P8 “genuine 2000’s compressed would pulp” should be “wood” of course.

 - I'm beyond saving, really.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

P10 “busy making serious face” missing word in here somewhere

Have reworded. It was intentional. Maybe should have hyphenated 'serious-face', but now changed.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

p11 “As J decided on how to rescue T…” Wait, is this an actual rescue mission? If so, I feel like that needs to come up earlier in the scene. We get M’s anxiety that he’s been separated from the rest of the crew, but until now I had thought that was her feeling anxiety about a planned operation, not that something had gone wrong. Unless this is a drill?

It's a drill. Changed 'rescue' to 'retrieve'.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

P12 “You’re relieved of temporary command” – repetition of M’s “took over command” comment above

Check.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

“…no more danger than we are.” Hah. Great line to end the scene on.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

“...and shot Lieutenant S…” Well that escalated quickly. More seriously, we already know that whats-his-pickle is a bad dude, but I wonder if a little more buildup of “all is not well” is in order here. Could be as simple as M getting a chance to expand on what’s not right, as opposed to just “something” while S ignores her.

Good point. I'll review that as I read through.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

P16 I been through the sims a thousand times.” missing opening quote

Check.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

“alien barbecue” noooooo

Muah ha-hah

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

p17: so in this scene, M references the first-aid thing as a chance to communicate with S. Great! Good cloak-and-dagger, counter-espionage stuff. Except… then that doesn’t happen.

Check. Have closed this circle.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

God, this guy is such an a-hole.

I’m a little surprised he doesn’t at least put up a show of “totally not going to kill you all, UNLESS,” though, if only because “do what I say and everything will be fine” seems like a more convincing way to get people to help you without melting into screaming panic than “do what I say or I’ll kill you sooner,” as M so astutely pointed out,

I'll look into this in the edit. I take your point

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

So far, I have no idea what’s happening with T and the heat shield, or what M is attempting to accomplish by throwing herself off the ship. I’m on board for finding out though.

Yeah, I think I will need to clarify that, as others have raised it.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

Overall: Just because it’s a short piece, I wonder if it takes a little too long to get to “there’s an escape pod out there that shouldn’t be;” maybe not to actually arrive there but at least to get the setup that something’s out there that shouldn’t be. I’m engaged with M and co’s antics just fine, but it does take a while for the story to actually spell out the connection between the two POV characters (even though we’re expecting a connection).

That said, once the two stories do intersect, things start happening very quickly – possibly even too quickly. We skip over things like what happened to T and how much danger he’s actually in, or at least would be under normal circumstances, and the team’s discovery of the bodies and G putting them to work. Granted, the latter is stuff we already know, but it did strike me as a bit of a weird jump.

Check. Noted these things for review in the full edit

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

I’m also very curious as to what the antagonist’s plan actually is. I’d sort of wondered up at the top, then discarded it because it was too early to be complaining about not knowing, but I can only assume he wasn’t expecting to run into M and her crew.

All that said this is pretty minor stuff. I’m bought in and enjoying watching M try not to swear her way through this adventure

Super  

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

I had to read the sentence a second time (it was the "mean" comment that made me do the double-take) but once I did I did cotton onto the the "omg an actual clipboard" thing, so this is probably just one of those YMMV things.

Yup, that's reworded slightly after Mandamon calling it.

On 12/23/2023 at 6:38 AM, Silk said:

The conversation remains delightful, and is a fun little nod to TBB but - since one of the common comments seems to be that we could get to the core of the story a bit quicker - do we need it at all? The only thing it adds to the Q&M canon is the "where does that come from" comment from M, which is lovely and is going to play well with people who have read other Q&M stories and with those who haven't, not at all - especially since I'm assuming Q does not figure into the rest of this story either.

He doesn't. Yeah, noted. One of my major actions now is (of course) to streamline the first half so we can get into the second half faster.

Great comments. Much appreciated. This will really help to uplift the story. Thanks!!

 

 

                                                   [Blargh! Why does 'it' merge comments?! Is there a way to stop it doing that?]

 

 

...and thanks too to @Demiurgess for her comments by email! 

Edited December 25, 2023 by Robinski

[Silk she/her]

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

Furthermore, I love the interpretation of this comment that implies TMM is nothing but massive run-on sentences

This is very funny, especially since I initially misread it as saying the implication was TMM is nothing but one massive run-on sentence.

2 hours ago, Robinski said:

Totally fair, it's not clear. Mandamon called it too. I've changed to 'slouched', can you slouch when sitting? I think you can.

It was actually "in angle" that got me more than "schlumping," which was clear enough, though onomatopoeic. And yes, you can totally slouch when sitting.

[Robinski he/him]

On 12/25/2023 at 8:53 PM, Silk said:

This is very funny, especially since I initially misread it as saying the implication was TMM is nothing but one massive run-on sentence.

  Well, if life can be a sentence...

On 12/25/2023 at 8:53 PM, Silk said:

It was actually "in angle" that got me more than "schlumping," which was clear enough, though onomatopoeic. And yes, you can totally slouch when sitting.

Okay, I just meant in the corner of the room/building/walls. I'll review further.

Thanks!