12/4*/23 - Silk - The Big Bounce - 4615 Words (VL)

[Silk she/her]

* Okay, so I totally whiffed on the Dec 4 submission, mea culpa. This is why I originally meant to submit it first thing in the morning... too much going on the evenings!

 

So yes, sorry for being a day late and a dollar short. Hopefully folks don't mind reading anyway. Here's my full space opera piece "The Big Bounce," targeting the same Dec 17 deadline Mandamon is - but somehow managing to be substantially less silly than Mandamon's story despite my best efforts. This is an early draft so anything and everything on the table as far as feedback goes.

 

Tags for violence and language, but both are mild.

[Mandamon he/him]

Sending back line edits with some typos and things as well.
Overall, I liked this, but I wanted more connection with the experiment to the title, and more specifically, what it would actually do to the station.
I'd also like a lot more physical descriptions and interaction, especially given the theme of the anthology. I think it's a good start, but just needs a little more to make it boom.

Notes while reading:

pg 1: "And it had started with a slow leak."
--I feel like this is disconnected from the effect above it because of all the explanation in between.

pg 2: "Super Massive Hadron Collider"
--Is there a "hardon collider" joke coming? Because it seems like there is.
(narrator: there was no joke)
 
pg 2: "The commbank pulling" -> "The commbank is pulling"
(Putting the rest of these in line edits)

pg 3: "“Not yet."
--This is also a bit hard to read. I think it's in answer to a question two paragraphs ago?

pg 5: "“Did the lights just go out for you too?” '
--Aren't they in the same place now?

pg 5: Confused here. M says, “Be at Bravo Zeta in five,” which I assume means physically meeting S, but they seem like they're still talking online.

pg 7: "“Thanks,” I murmur to the maintenance man’s retreating back."
--so did M leave the area? Confused about where they are. Are they physically in this system, or is it all virtual?

pg 7: “I don’t mind waiting.”
--M needs to meet up with security, but is catching their breath?

pg 8: “And now we’re trapped here.”
--which is where, exactly?

pg 8: "Why keep us trapped on the rest of the station?” 
--still not sure where S is physically.

pg 11: "is abandoned"
--repetition with the start of the paragraph

pg 11: “Of course. We call it a ghost field.” 
--ok, well all of this just took a left turn...

pg 14: yeah, figured it was C.

pg 15: "I’m not going to let the station fall apart."
--sooo...what was the plan? Start a mini-big bounce in the station? Not clear on the objective.

pg 17: "had to do it this way"
--Still not entirely sure what C is doing? I want it to be a big end of the universe thing, but I feel like it would just inconvenience the station for a bit and then it would restart.

pg 17: "throwing his arms around me"
--So, this doesn't actually have a lot of physical contact, for the topic.

pg 19: I think the ending is satisfying, but I want a little more out of the whole thing. A little more bang, and adventure! Some more comments in the line edits pertaining to the anthology itself.

[Silk she/her]

30 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

pg 2: "Super Massive Hadron Collider"
--Is there a "hardon collider" joke coming? Because it seems like there is.

Have I mentioned before that you're a bad influence?

32 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

pg 11: “Of course. We call it a ghost field.” 
--ok, well all of this just took a left turn...

I'll try to seed some of this earlier.

34 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

pg 14: yeah, figured it was C.

Hm, yeah. I figured it would be obvious either way so decided to just ... let it be obvious. Do I need to obfuscate a little bit?

37 minutes ago, Mandamon said:

pg 17: "had to do it this way"
--Still not entirely sure what C is doing? I want it to be a big end of the universe thing,

Sooo my original conception for this story was to have the antagonist try to trigger an actual, rebirth-of-the-universe big bounce, then I let my own suspension of disbelief get in the way and backed off. So... literal end of the universe not too much after all?

[Mandamon he/him]

10 hours ago, Silk said:

11 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 2: "Super Massive Hadron Collider"
--Is there a "hardon collider" joke coming? Because it seems like there is.

Have I mentioned before that you're a bad influence?

Probably?

10 hours ago, Silk said:

11 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 14: yeah, figured it was C.

Hm, yeah. I figured it would be obvious either way so decided to just ... let it be obvious. Do I need to obfuscate a little bit?

I think it's fine for a short story

10 hours ago, Silk said:

11 hours ago, Mandamon said:

pg 17: "had to do it this way"
--Still not entirely sure what C is doing? I want it to be a big end of the universe thing,

Sooo my original conception for this story was to have the antagonist try to trigger an actual, rebirth-of-the-universe big bounce, then I let my own suspension of disbelief get in the way and backed off. So... literal end of the universe not too much after all?

Yes, absolutely go for the most over the top explanation! That's what I was expecting.

[Silk she/her]

2 hours ago, Mandamon said:

Yes, absolutely go for the most over the top explanation! That's what I was expecting.

Note to self: the little voice in your head that tells you to back off is basically always wrong.  

Note to everyone else: do not take life advice from Silk.

Check to all this. Thanks!

[Appol PhD they/he]

I don’t know if I’ve ever critiqued something of yours before so I’m excited to provide feedback after all the help you’ve given me with my writing!

Overall: I like the shell of the story here, being more human-focused than a lot of sci-fi I’ve read and making it easier for me to be invested as a result. There are two overlapping areas where I think some work could be done to flesh the story out.

1. I think the beginning could do a better job setting up the story. As I mentioned in LBLs I really only understood the threat during page 8 and it only started to feel real by page 13. Tbh I don’t think the details of the systems work they do really has a huge bearing on the story, so I think the focus could be shifted away from that towards setup for the climax. Which includes…

2. The relationships. There’s a good foundation here and I think M’s relationship with both S and C could be fleshed out. C in particular could benefit from being present in M’s mind throughout the story, and while I get a good feel for her off the wall scientist ideas I don’t get a good sense of her actual past relationship with M. I got the general impression that C’s mad scientist ideas were both what drew M to her and what ultimately pushed them apart—which is great! That’s what makes fictional relationships so compelling. But I need to see more of that for it to fully click. For S I think the changes could be simpler—what I want is what about him draws M to him specifically out of all the people they know (ideally in a way that ties together M's relationship with C—what makes S different while still having what initially drew them to C?). The story does a good job of selling that M and S get along, but I need to know what they see in each other that’s special and distinct from the other people in their lives.

Heh, guess being the resident romance writer means everyone this week gets a big block of text about building up the romantic relationships.

As I go:

Pg 1. The opening line has me hooked but I’m having a hard time understanding where we are and what’s going on (though I often have this issue with sci-fi)

Pg 3. M’s interest in S has good potential to add some emotional stakes here. I’d like to see this even earlier with more context as to what draws M to S.

-I think my biggest comment so far is still not understanding the stakes of the main task they’re doing. I get that they’re checking for weird energy signatures that have in the past caused bad things with wormholes, and that’s a good start, but I still can’t really put together what this means for the characters.  

Pg 6. The part where S talks about it being a lot of power could be a good place to add more context. Maybe I just missed something but I don’t know if this is power being leaked away as pure sabotage, siphoned for something else, etc.

Pg 8. Knowing that the power spike will kill the station eventually could be helpful earlier. We got some hints of this like the lights turning off but I think this being stated early on could help me orient myself

Pg 9. It’s acknowledged that M’s not great at this but imo they don’t put forward enough of a reason for this to feel earned. I think they either need to put forward something more convincing or we need to get a better feel for why the staffer is going along with this (i.e. M identifying them as someone who really just wants M out of their hair).

Pg 11-12. The flashback coming through in full scene with dialogue and no breaks feels a bit jarring for me. Personally I don’t know if we need to see this in full scene and would be happy with a narration summary.

Pg 13. Here’s the first time I get a good feel for the personal stakes. I’d like to get to this point faster.

Pg 14. I got the feeling that C was going to be responsible given how much M’s been thinking about her over the past few pages. If she’s this important I think she needs to have a stronger presence in M’s mind from the start.

Pg 15-17. The interactions between C and M are good but I feel like I’m still missing some emotional stakes. Who are they to each other? Coworkers? Friends? Exes? Reminders of the past? I’m not really sure.

Pg 18. Okay exes it would be helpful to know that earlier.

[Silk she/her]

10 minutes ago, Ace of Hearts said:

I don’t know if I’ve ever critiqued something of yours before so I’m excited to provide feedback after all the help you’ve given me with my writing!

It's been a hot minute since I submitted anything, so probably not! Plus, I think the last couple times I submitted anything they were actually songs.

14 minutes ago, Ace of Hearts said:

Heh, guess being the resident romance writer means everyone this week gets a big block of text about building up the romantic relationships.

lol. Romance tends to be a second draft thing for me anyway. Or third or fourth.

Great comments, thanks!

[Robinski he/him]

Hey, should I read the version submitted on the 4th? Is there another version? Happy to read if there's time, but I don't want to add to submission stress! 

[Silk she/her]

On 12/15/2023 at 10:54 AM, Robinski said:

Hey, should I read the version submitted on the 4th? Is there another version? Happy to read if there's time, but I don't want to add to submission stress! 

Like I mentioned on Discord, I ended up getting what I needed, but when they inevitably reject it I'll sub it again and you can tell me all the things I missed (it genuinely could have used another round!)

So I dumped a bunch of filler from this story in exchange for hopefully hitting the notes everyone mentioned. Plus:

• a big "eff you" space window
  • that overlooks the supermassive black hole at the centre of the Milky Way (you can see stuff falling into the event horizon, of course!)
  • around which the characters' space station is in orbit
  • because they are actually part of the Super Massive Hadron Collider
• "publish or perish" academia jokes and adjacent
• A new shade of Galaxy Gloss programmable nail polish (IYKYK)
• smash-cut style scene changes (sometimes with flashbacks!)
• a little bit more flirting
• a ridiculous weapon
• a distinct lack of uncouth jokes, which is honestly a bummer, but you can't win 'em all. I did get halfway to Mandamon's "large hardon collider" joke, so maybe I can be forgiven?

Edited December 18, 2023 by Silk