10/24/23 - Ace of Hearts - Everlasting Sunset sub 11, 3319 words (VLG)

[Appol PhD they/he]

Hi everyone!

 

We're wrapping up part 1 of 3 here, which means we're about a third of the way through. The most important question at this point for people who have read all the way through is are you okay continuing to critique this draft? I believe I mentioned that I wasn't sure whether I was going to submit the whole draft, but I don't think the edits I'm going to make to part 1 are enough of an overhaul that it would make sense to resubmit the whole thing, so as long as people are up for it I think I'm going to continue into part 2.  

 

Thanks! 

[Mandamon he/him]

I though this was a good ending to part 1! We get a lot of resolution, and I really like the twist at the end. I'm happy to critique more, and fine with continuing with part 2.

There's definitely some worldbuiling aspects that can be made clearer in the first part, but overall, the story itself is proceeding well. I'm interested to see where it goes in the next part. I'm assuming our heroes will look for the next Big Bad to find out what's going on.

Looking forward to the next part!

Notes while reading:

pg 3: the fight descriptions could probably be cut down a bit. I like P's thinking behind what he can do, but the actions themselves don't really matter except in the larger picture.

pg 5: "exoskeleton exploded"
--Does this have any negative effects aside from him not being armored? He doesn't seem to be stunned, he can still summon weapons, and reacts fast. It's a big moment, but doesn't seem to do much to slow him down.

pg 5: "was going to drown."
--as, is this is? The exoskeleton also lets them breathe under the ocean? In that case I would have expected some flailing from P, or choking, or something if he's going to an air bubble to nothing.

pg 9: Good scene through here. Gives a good reason to recruit the deserters, and P's sacrifice is a good motivator.

pg 12: "looking back"
--Aha! Great twist.

[Silk she/her]

“…to avoid being seen as a coward.” This caught me by surprise, I wouldn’t have expected P to put so much weight on appearances in this context. Unless that would have some other effect on him (like Z not being willing to work with him anymore?)

P3 “P suspected he was in critical condition…” He suspects – but doesn’t know? I would think this would be extremely important information for him to have.

I also think that it would be really helpful during this fight to have more emotional touchpoints—this might be a good moment for that. The action is clear but I don’t feel very grounded other than that people are trading blows.

P4 “According to Z there was a place they could go long-term…” and is Z likely to just go along with this?

P5 “Frozen in what had to be surprise, Z didn’t dodge….” Now I’m confused. Z initiated this attack, so why so surprised? Was he just not expecting P to respond at all? Come to think of it, we get some foreshadowing that he’s planning something, but unless this attack on P is the something that doesn’t seem to actually happen.

 “P was going to drown.” This is something I’m still confused about. Are they bobbing up to the surface or fully under the water? If the latter, why are people able to act almost at all after their armor has been shattered? Also, what’s stopping P from just re-summoning his armor?

P6 “Kill the traitor.” Uh, you attacked him, bud.

P7 “Why did that voice sound so familiar?” So… my original thought was that this was the princess for some reason. I see now that I was way off – maybe WRS, but has this name been introduced before? I initially assumed it was a new character.

“The mysterious voice in her earpiece…” so it wasn’t just her earpiece but directly into her head, right? Also, I feel like we’re understanding the whole “mysterious voice” thing here.

“Instead of reincarnating the same soldiers, they were…” “they” as in the ministry? I think this is the first indication we’ve had that the ministry s deliberately reincarnating—or “reincarnating,” I suppose—soldiers, rather than it being a thing that just happens. Can we get this set up sooner so that the twist (which I like!) isn’t a total surprise? In fact, I think having this really clearly set up in the early chapters could go a long way towards supporting the idea that soldiers are being mistreated, if it’s clear the ministry is making them the way they are, rather than this reincarnation being naturally occurring (my assumption up to this point).

Practically speaking, I now have a ton of questions about how A ended up mysteriously appearing in the middle of nowhere if the ministry is responsible for “making” soldiers and ministers, but that’s not certainly not a flaw at this point.

Overall: I had a way easier time with the second half or so of the chapter than the first because it offered many more emotional touchpoints – so it was more engaging and I felt generally less confused.  As mentioned, I think the big reveal at the end of this chapter needs more setup early on. Right now it almost feels like you’re using big plot moments like this to reveal the worldbuilding info, and I wonder if it shouldn’t be the other way around – understanding more about the worldbuilding so that when these big plot moments happen, they are more grounded and pack more punch. 

All that being said, I want to echo @Mandamon that I thought this was a good end to part 1! It definitely felt like we got a lot accomplished, and I think once everything is fleshed out enough to ground us a little more the pacing will be really effective.

And I'm fine to keep critiquing this draft. Really, it's whether it's still helpful for you that's the important bit

[Appol PhD they/he]

Thanks @Silk@Mandamon! My brain is in full NaNoWriMo mode right now so I might wait a few weeks to start subbing part 2.

[Silk she/her]

44 minutes ago, Ace of Hearts said:

Thanks @Silk@Mandamon! My brain is in full NaNoWriMo mode right now so I might wait a few weeks to start subbing part 2.

Have fun!