20140811 - andyk - Rome novella chapter 1 (V, L)

[andyk]

This is the first part of a novella set in a fantasy version of the ancient Mediterranean. It doesn't have a name yet - still working on that part.

 

As some of you will remember, over the past six months or so I've sent round quite a few chapters of Fire in the Blood, a novel using this setting. The first draft of that is now complete and with a separate group of alpha readers. In the meantime, I've decided to try my hand at e-book self-publishing. My plan is to have a novella that I can offer at the lowest possible price to draw readers in for the later books. This is the start of that novella, which presents younger version of some of the characters from Fire in the Blood.

 

(I'm also self-publishing some other stuff before getting to the Roman fantasy series, but that's a whole other kettle of fish.)

 

Anyway, all comments and suggestions welcome. This definitely earned its V tag, and though I haven't checked back through this chapter for bad language, I wouldn't be surprised if there's some swears in there somewhere. We English are less polite than Dr Who and Downton Abbey would have you believe.

 

Looking forward to your feedback.

 

[jParker]

Disclaimer: I have not kept up with the main novel episodes--historical fiction has not really been an interest. However, I'm tentatively optimistic about this novella.

 

Setting

The initial impression of generic Iron Age fantasy didn't really do much for me until we saw the phoenix. Stories abound about armies destroyed by legendary creatures (I believe the Sicilian campaign was routed by a dragon)--I would love to see some truly fantastic stuff take place. Naturally, a Rothfussian world-build precludes this (i.e. to have dragons, they must also have an ecosystem and plan from there). 

 

Characters

Varus doesn't do much for me. He's a rebellious anti-hero, but only so far as it doesn't hurt anyone else. He is still super considerate of his brother legionnaires, though he lacks any sense of camaraderie. He just seems half-baked, as if you couldn't quite decide what kind of character he is. I know some folks discovery-write characters and if that's the case, I understand. This is just my reaction.

 

Prose

Economy of language seems especially important in shorter pieces and is a definite opportunity here. For example, the line "If they hadn't done that for his wife, for a soul who nurtured and cared and believed to the end, then they certainly wouldn't be doing it for him" (9) feels clunky. Even just a reduction to "They hadn't done it for his wife, they certainly wouldn't do it for him." is a lot smoother and frees up space. It's minor stuff but it makes a huge difference, at least to me.

[jagabond]

My main issue with this first chapter--and I don't know how long the novella is--seems like a lot of pages spent on too little development. Until the speculative elements at the end, the whipping and the soldiers are very mentally involved but overall it takes a while to go anywhere. It's got that prologue syndrome, and lacks the immediacy.

 

In general it's hard for me to mentally differentiate one military guy from another. You've actually done pretty well with that, but I'll echo that Varus doesn't shine as much as he could to really give that Main Character punch.

 

Side-question: where do you wrangle up your first readers?

[andyk]

Thanks for the feedback so far folks. Useful stuff.

 

Side-question: where do you wrangle up your first readers?

 

Mine are all friends from my uni days - mostly others who write, who will therefore get some benefit from thinking in terms of critical reading, and for whom I can return the favour. I know other people who've recruited using a general call-out to their social media circles, and of course there's this place.

[Mandamon]

Glad to see someone else doing a prequel novella!  That's what I'm doing with the Write about Dragons class and my Seeds of Dissolution story.

 

 

pg 7-9:  you don't give Murena's rank at this time, and I started to get confused later when you were referring to "the general" at the same time you referred to Murena. If I hadn't read the other work, where Murena is a general, I would have been less confused.  I had to read carefully to remember who was speaking.

 

I generally agree with the others on lack of development.  Below is what I wrote before reading the comments:

I'm interested to see what comes of this.  Murena obviously has some growing to do before he becomes what we see later.  It's hard to say objectively, but I think this stands on its own as well.  You have some good character moments for both Varus and Murena.  The one part I'm concerned about is that Varus seems very similar to what I saw in your other novel.  I'm not sure how much chance he has to grow here before getting to that other story.  He's already lost his wife, is a hard soldier, and has the rage in him, which is basically what he is like in "Fire in the Blood."

 

Interested to see what happens next!

[Robinski]

Ah, the return of Varus, sort of. I'm glad to hear that Fire in the Blood is finished – I would be glad to read it sometime, as I was definitely interested in the characters and keen to see how it turned out – although I say that hesitantly given my current reading slate!!

 

Anyway, this was a good introduction I thought, plenty going on and some gritty dialogue to chew over. The flogging of the rebellious hero against the mast is not a new trope, certainly, but I thought it came over pretty well. I liked that Varus seemed to decide to give in rather than being broken.

 

I lost my way a bit in the conversation when Murena, Julius and the General were talking over him. It seemed to me that Murena was trying to manoeuvre the general into letting him go, or maybe I'm imposing that interpretation because of my knowledge of what comes after, but I did feel that the ebb and flow of the dialogue could be tightened up for clarity of purpose.

 

Looking at my comment below on the last paragraph again, I think I'm feeling that those two punch lines are a bit cheesy / clichéd. I can hear Sly Stallone and JCVD grunting them at the end of Act 1 of a Michael Bay movie.

 

All in all, good stuff, good conflicts and promising characters. I'm looking forward to the next instalment.

 

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Page 3 – Did Romans wear chain mail?

 

Page 11 – Something in the last paragraph felt awkward to me. ‘Just need less enemies’ kind of felt like the punch line, but then the subject changes to Varus’ feud with Julius. I think my feeling was discomfort at two short unrelated lines so closer together, somehow a bit jarring.

 

Also, I realise Varus is a legionary and not necessarily schooled in grammar, and that’s the reason he says ‘less’ enemies instead of ‘fewer’.