I Know You’re Trying. That’s What Matters.

[Pruning the Blackthorn he/him]

I’m a bit late to the Yumi and the Nightmare Painter discussion. It took me a while to read it; I have a five-year-old and a three-year-old, so I don’t have a lot of reading time.

But, I wanted to point out this bit:

Quote

 

“It’s okay," [Yumi] whispered. "I know you’re trying. That’s what matters."

            Pay attention. At times, this is what heroism looks like.

 

That small passage hit me like a shot through the heart and tears welled in my eyes. It made me realize that I long for someone to say something like that to me.

Without going too much into my personal life, there are things about myself that I’m working on, trying to change and improve. I’ve had only limited success so far, and I’ve backslid a lot. These backslides have been used against me by my loved ones—not necessarily maliciously, but still. The fact that I’m trying has either gone unnoticed by them or it hasn’t mattered to them; results are all that matters.

I don’t want to paint a picture of myself as some innocent victim in what’s been going on with me. I am not. But this passage made me realize how desperately I need someone to tell me that they see that I’m trying. That would ease the burden I feel, would give my efforts more value than I alone can give them.

But I cannot ask for someone to tell me this: If I ask them to say it to me, it will lose all meaning. And I am not posting this for people to reply with sympathy or to tell me that it matters that I’m trying (see previous sentence). I simply have no other outlet for this thought.

I have never related to people who’ve said that a work of fiction has profoundly affected them—not even reading about Kaladin’s struggles in Rhythm of War (I am also a sufferer or chronic depression). I’m glad they experienced that; I just never had. Reading this, however, impacted me with such force that I have not experienced before.

[Treamayne]

Welcome to the Forums

I'll try to not offer any platitudes and simply share two thoughts

1. On a fundamental level, this kind of acknowledgement is, to me, almost an acknowledgement of existence. When self harm (and other self-destructve behaviour, or their ideation) stems from a feeling that we don't matter; that often originates in the idea that we have no impact on those around us because we receive no acknowledgement of accomplishments. But a simple acknowledgement of our efforts can show that we still impact those around us, and therefore our lives do have some meaning. We exist.
2. Friends are the family we choose. While we cannot chose our to whom we are related (family) we do choose our friends. Here's to hoping you can find friends that can provide the acknowledgement your family may be incapable of recognizing.

Thank you for sharing how this passage affected you.

Edited August 9, 2023 by Treamayne
SPAG

[therunner he/him]

7 hours ago, Rhyen said:

That small passage hit me like a shot through the heart and tears welled in my eyes. It made me realize that I long for someone to say something like that to me.

I am kinda sad but kinda glad that I am not the only one who felt that way reading it :/

7 hours ago, Rhyen said:

But I cannot ask for someone to tell me this: If I ask them to say it to me, it will lose all meaning.

I know exactly what you mean. I struggle with that as well.

You'll meet people, or get in touch with people who will one day say that without prompting, who will see you. They might not be the ones you would like to hear it from the most, but it will be someone. Fingers crossed it won't take too long.

7 hours ago, Rhyen said:

And I am not posting this for people to reply with sympathy or to tell me that it matters that I’m trying (see previous sentence).  I simply have no other outlet for this thought.

I am glad you did, and not just because I feel the same way.

It is good to 'vocalize' things and feelings.