5/15/23 - Ace of Hearts - Bond of Wildflowers v2 sub 13, 3068 words, L

[Appol PhD they/he]

Additional content warning for abusive relationships.

 

Seems like people are pretty busy, so I'm going to try to make these subs a bit shorter so it's less of a hassle to keep up.

 

In a relationship story there has to be a point near the end where everything goes wrong in the relationship, which we're hitting today. It's important for this to come across well, so any suggestions on that front are appreciated! Thanks as always!

[Mandamon he/him]

Really interesting chapters! Feels like things are coming to a head. No really comments on the first chapter. I think it's good to know what happens, but it's also not that important. It's something that could potentially be edited out and rolled into an explanation later on, if needed.

I think almost everything works on the "going wrong" portion of things. Two places where I had a little trouble:

1) B murdered someone last chapter and now N is just taking her word. They've repeated a lot that they can't lie, but N also knows how that works. He knows the truth can be twisted. Maybe one more try/fail cycle in there to really convince him that B is presenting the facts accurately? W also doesn't really show herself well at this point. She's also just seen someone murdered, so maybe she's in shock? I would think she would protest a little more, though.

2) The agency vs. the Arch family. I think there needs to be a little more buildup earlier in the story about how they are different and if they have different aims. They're now being pitted against each other and I'm not sure if it's a betrayal by one of the other, or if they've always been at odds. Having some more background would be nice.

Looking forward to the next one!

Notes while reading:

pg 3: okay, I think I actually like H for once.

pg 3: Nothing really to comment on with chapter. It's short and to the point.

pg 5: I'm interested where B fits into all of this and what leverage she has.

pg 6: "A was the one who had her spend time with you."
--I think some WRS on my part. I'd actually forgotten this. Maybe have a reminder sometime in the last couple chapters from W's POV so it's in the reader's mind?

pg 7: "The way you got through to An and H was incredible"
--okay, good reference on this one, especially since it was quick on W's part. But she was never really a negotiator in the early parts of the book, was she?

pg 9: "After all, C is as good as I’ll get."
--Oof. N really is damaged. I think having his POV here gives us some good insights into that.
--on the other hand B just straight up murdered someone. I feel like that should factor into things more.

pg 9: "I don’t bother looking for a response "
--yes, but W probably makes some sound or action, right? Does he hear anything as he walks away? Is there a protest?

pg 9: "I bite my lip. B killed C’s mother. "
--hmmm...a bit of plotfulness here. I get N is pretty damaged and pliable, but a lot of things just aren't adding up. Wouldn't he say what happened?

pg 10: "“Agent J brought me here saying that we’re working together to defeat A.”
--I wonder if we need a little more information on each agency before this point? I wasn't honestly sure that the agency and Arch. weren't the same thing.

pg 11: "but being with someone who makes me uncomfortable is better than being alone"
--is it, though?

[Appol PhD they/he]

On 5/16/2023 at 2:45 PM, Mandamon said:

I think almost everything works on the "going wrong" portion of things. Two places where I had a little trouble:

1) B murdered someone last chapter and now N is just taking her word. They've repeated a lot that they can't lie, but N also knows how that works. He knows the truth can be twisted. Maybe one more try/fail cycle in there to really convince him that B is presenting the facts accurately? W also doesn't really show herself well at this point. She's also just seen someone murdered, so maybe she's in shock? I would think she would protest a little more, though.

2) The agency vs. the Arch family. I think there needs to be a little more buildup earlier in the story about how they are different and if they have different aims. They're now being pitted against each other and I'm not sure if it's a betrayal by one of the other, or if they've always been at odds. Having some more background would be nice.

Thanks for your feedback! These were both points I had my eye on so it's good to get confirmation that they stick out.

[Silk she/her]

Ch 24:

I’m feeling antsy in these first two scenes with A and H. It seems to me that the real conflict in this chapter is them trying to convince B to let them into the fey realm – can we get there quicker? Maybe by combining the two scenes?

P2 “You’re saying they’re not going to listen to…” Kind of wanted this argument to come from A or H rather than B. Right now it feels like they’re asking her a favour that she talks herself into, rather than them actively convincing her.

“If what you really care about is making sure as many kids…” wait, what kids? Village kids?

P3 From the way A is reacting to H’s conversation with B, I’m getting the sense that A’s grandfather is… kind of abusive.

P5 “They’re supposed to be working with A…”

“The reason my time with W seemed too good to be true…”

I’m really glad to see this scene come up, because I remember wondering a while ago if this was going to become an issue. But, I struggled in the early parts of the scene with feeling like N was – maybe not over-reacting, exactly, but taking too much of what B (the other was saying at face value. Partially I think the whole “fey can’t lie” thing was just not top of mind until you reminded us in the text, so it might be worth moving that up. But also, it takes B several lines to give N any real information here, so he’s not reacting to anything concrete.

Also, a thought to take or leave at you like, but presumably B could say something if she thought it was true regardless of whether she was correct. And of course fey are notorious for being able to twist, omit, etc. parts of the truth to suit their purposes, which N would presumably know very well. Those kinds of uncertainties could be fun to lean into in a scene like this. And maybe give you more build into “She was trying to destroy my community from the start” which, again, felt like a very large leap on N’s part from the information he has. Maybe we could see B manipulate the conversation a little more?

As I keep reading, it also strikes me as strange that W doesn’t try to defend herself more fully – like not mentioning that there was a reason she was avoiding N to begin with. It seems especially strange in the context of the – really fairly radical – candor she and N have been sharing with each other up to this point. I wonder if there is room to have that be part of the discussion here?

P8 – wait, I see N actually calls this out specifically. Is that something he actually knew prior to this conversation?

P9 – can we get a reaction shot from W as the other characters discuss leaving her behind? She feels very passive through this whole thing. Also, I’m not entirely sure where N is coming down in terms of forgiving her or not.

Last on this scene – I think a little more foreshadowing in advance of this scene could also make it have a bigger impact.  

“…the ritual can be performed… in a couple hours” I thought the ritual required a strong emotional connection with the other person? I’m not convinced he has that with C. Just falling out with another person her cared about doesn’t feel like quite enough to get us here.

“B killed C’s mother.” Does C know this? Is N not going to tell her?

On 5/16/2023 at 11:45 AM, Mandamon said:

2) The agency vs. the Arch family. I think there needs to be a little more buildup earlier in the story about how they are different and if they have different aims. They're now being pitted against each other and I'm not sure if it's a betrayal by one of the other, or if they've always been at odds. Having some more background would be nice.

Seconding this!