What Happened in Portland

[Kobold King]

Calamity shines bright over this world, and the empires of Man rise and fall and squabble below its warm red light. The impossible star was faintly beginning to make its first appearance, a faint orange outline barely perceptible in the waning sunlight. Slightly more obvious in its path across the evening sky, a vulture struggled to maintain flight in the drizzling atmosphere of Portland, Oregon. The vulture was not the beginning. But it was a beginning.

 

The vulture flew over the city streets, passing over the heads of a couple on a motorcycle as part of its long sweep over the city. It eventually left the city entirely, settling by the side of a road just outside the city limits.

 

There was a man waiting for it--an average-sized man with a scholarly look about him, wearing rather ragged professor's attire stained with blood and marked with a prominent bullet hole in the chest. His expression was a curious mixture of confidence and confusion, marked with a hint of satisfaction as his servant clumsily swooped in to perch on a car hood beside him.

 

"I trust you've enjoyed your flight," the man said, giving the vulture a stroke on the top of its bald red head. "Nobody shot you down this time. It's always a pain having to find you and wake you up again."

 

The vulture, as always, merely fixed him with a blank stare.

 

The man called Lightwards sighed, giving the undead buzzard a thorough examination. "Blood on your beak," he exclaimed happily. "Let's not wait. There's not much daylight left to waste. Take me to it."

 

The vulture hopped off of the battered old car and began strutting and haphazardly flying down the road, leading him along. Lightwards picked up a duffle bag and followed the bird.

 

They soon came within the outskirts of the city. It was quiet and serene--Lightwards guessed that the inhabitants of Portland were waiting out the night in their homes, staying out of any roaming Epic's way. It was a clever decision on their part. If they were outside, he would have killed several by now.

 

The vulture stopped on the outside of a parking garage. Lightwards nodded, touching the bird's head as he entered the dark environment. It hopped onto his wrist and used its own sense of smell to guide him through the darkness. It was tricky, navigating through a dim room via a dead vulture. But Lightwards prided himself on working with what he had. Occasionally it even provided an advantage over those who relied on flashlights and lanterns.

 

He already knew what he was being led to. The body of what seemed to be a young man, heavily bled out on the concrete ground. No doubt the man had been engaged in some covert activity when the vulture had attacked. A substantial part of his stomach had been opened up by the vulture's beak, and he was clutching a pistol from when he'd presumably attempted to fight back against his avian assailant. It hadn't worked. Even the most weary of street thugs were prone to being caught off guard by a lethally aggressive undead buzzard.

 

Lightwards gingerly placed his hand on the corpse's forehead, performing his miracle. The man opened his eyes and let out a brief gasp, his more serious wounds closing themselves as death was reverted across his body. There was a brief look of confusion over the man's face before it settled into the dull expression of servitude that was worn by all of his Warriors of Light.

 

"Good morning," Lightwards said with a smile. "I will be the emperor of your afterlife. Your name?"

 

"Donald," said Donald the zombie without any trace of emotion.

 

"I'd like to ask you a few questions, Donald," the professor went on. "Tell me about the other Epics in this city.

 

Donald the zombie gave what information he could. What information he had possessed while alive was likely incomplete, and Lightwards' servants always lost quite a lot of memory after he brought them back. He got the general impression that there were multiple Epics engaged in some sort of turf war across the city. While Donald the zombie had difficulty expressing what powers they possessed, he was able to give a few names. Corpsemaker, Funtimes, Scorch, Voidgaze... only names, but perhaps some use could be extracted from them.

 

Lightwards was certain a great deal of the info had been corrupted, though. Donald the zombie didn't know much, but he seemed fairly confident that one of the Epics lived or had lived in some kind of bouncy castle. With a shake of his head, he gestured for his newest creation to rise off the ground, handing him the duffle bag to carry. "Take me to where there are people," he commanded. "I want a little extra protection by the time the sun rises. And brace yourself, Donald--it's probably going to be a busy night."

 

 

So there you go. My first post here. This is also the first time I've done something like this, so feel free to criticize or complain about it being too long. Subsequent posts will likely be shorter and not contain such blatant Wheel of Time rip-offs.

 

By the way, if anyone wants to claim "Donald the zombie" as a former henchman of theirs, I'd be only too happy to have annoyed a fellow Epic so early into my career.

 

[Edgedancer]

It took until evening but Nighthound´s wounds were healed but he didn´t feel like laying low for the day. Worse yet, the house he crashed in ought to reek of decay soon. Granted, the man did have a sense of style, as Nighthound discovered a nice black suit, when he raided the house for replacements for his own tattered clothes.  

 

He did however have enough action for the day, so he simply slandered through the streets, trailed by a hound. While it did take his hound breaking a couple of legs, the pedestrians finally understood that bowing before him was more effective than trying to hide or run away.   

The store he was looking for wasn´t too hard to find. He entered the electronics shop. The clerk on duty noticed him and his hound and quite clearly became panicked.

“Sir, how might I help you?”

“Hmm, I´m searching for cameras mostly, the kind that lets you see what it is recording in real time and wireless.” Nighthound said nonchalant.

“Immediately, Sir.” The young man hurried into the back of the store and came back with a couple of products. “I hope these will be satisfying.”

“Why don´t we just test them.” With those words Nighthound drew some of his power back from his hound and injected it into the clerk. Then he equipped both of them with one of the cameras and made them go to invest two parts of the city.

 

It took a while but the first hound reached its destination. Granted, the destination wasn´t what he expected but only a select few would expect a collapsed bouncy castle instead of a bank. The picture quality was excellent, though. Are other Epics making trouble in town? It certainly does seem like it. Portland is getting better by the hour.

 

The sound of gunshots called his attention to the other monitor. The other hound got shot by the guards of thoughttown, who by now apparently managed to do their job. Not that something as dumb as a hound could do a good job at stealth.

The footage from the camera was still continuing. The guards came closer to the dead body talking to each other. “Do you think that thing has anything to do with Scorch´s defection?”

“I don´t know but with all the crem going down lately I´m not taking chances. Is that a camera?” The footage cut off.

Defection, huh. I might have come right in time for something with a big scale. How fun.

[Mailliw73]

Altermind was irritated. Some other idiot human had tried to break in. Very unsuccessfully, he'd been told. It had happened as he'd been driving back to Thoughttown. He arrived and pulled up to HQ. Telling Voidgaze to follow him, he walked into the building and found Flashpoint. "Flashpoint, this is Voidgaze. Voidgaze, Flashpoint. He's my right hand man and Head Security officer," Altermind introduced the two Epics. As he was speaking, a guard came into the room.

"Altermind, sir, the break-in, the first one, The man? We found a camera hidden In his clothes. I thought you'd want to know," the guard reported. Altermind was annoyed but this information would be useful. The man had lied to him twice.

"Thank you. Go get him ready for interrogation. We'll be there momentarily." Altermind told the guard. Saluting, the guard left to go bring th prisoner to the interrogation room. "Well, Voidgaze, you'll get to see some action on your very first day."

[Edgedancer]

They reached Thoughttown without a problem. However, the place itself seems to have its problems and why wouldn´t it, this whole day was just one big rusting mess. Just suck it up, girl, you´ll get a chance to went some steam. After Altermind´s call to action Voidgaze sighted, gave Flashpoint a lazy salute and trotted after Altermind.

 

After a couple of steps she stopped and addressed one of the guards. "You, bring me waffles to the interrogation room." Upon seeing the questioning look on the guard´s face she added "What? I´m hungry and they could make a bargain chip for a goop Epic bad Epic rutine. Just, don´t forget the cream."

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles]

"Look! Look! A birdie!" 

 

"Isn't that a vulture?" To Nathan, birdie encompassed a broad yet very specific class of winged creature. A bluejay was a birdie. A sparrow was a birdie. A vulture trying to maintain its flight pattern through the raindrops was the opposite of a birdie. 

 

Doctor Funtimes jumped in place, clapping her hands. "I bet it's going somewhere fun! We should go somewhere fun with it!" 

 

Nathan wanted to argue with her—even considered it for a moment. Only Epics could argue with Epics. Did pretending to be one earn him that right? 

 

He didn't want to risk being wrong. 

 

"All right," he said, stifling a sigh. At this rate, it would be hours before they reached the comparative sanity of their Tillamook cottage. "Let's follow the birdie." 

[Kobold King]

Mr. Thomas Sadry sipped a cup of weak tea as he rocked in his chair, keeping any eye out the house's only window as he waited for the long night to begin. He remembered a time when he and his wife would set up their rocking chairs on the front porch, sitting together as they watched the sun set. This had been a good neighborhood, back in the day.

 

Back in the day, he thought with a chuckle. Listen to me. I sound like an old man. He was only forty-five; he didn't consider himself to be an old man, but maybe times had changed enough to make his view of the world old-fashioned.

 

Suddenly the window shattered into a million fragments, scattering across the room. Mr. Sadry swore slightly as he stumbled out of his chair, trying to put some distance between himself and the now open window. There was a very dazed-looking vulture lying on the living room carpet, bleed profusely from shards of broken glass stuck in its body.

 

"Calamity," he muttered, using a more modern curse. "I've never seen a buzzard fly through a window like that. You sick?"

 

The vulture flopped over onto its side, slowly rising up and fixing him with an odd stare.

 

"Don't look at me like that," Sadry said nervously. "I'm not dead. Shoo."

 

It opened its beak and began flapping its wings, leaping off the carpet and colliding with his chest.

 

"What the--"

 

The sentence descended into a garbled scream as the creature's beak entered his chest cavity.

 

----

 

Mary Sadry heard the sound of shattering glass, quickly followed by her husband's screams. Grabbing a pistol from where it was conveniently stored, she rushed into the living room in alarm.

 

"Tom!"

 

Her husband was dead, lying on the ground with a gaping hole where his chest should have been. A blood-soaked vulture sat on the rocking chair, apparently preening itself.

 

She continued to stare in horror as a man in a professor's attire knelt by her husband's corpse and put his hand on the forehead. Thomas Sadry opened his eyes with a gasp, settling into a blank expression not like her husband's usual thoughtfulness.

 

"You're an Epic," Mrs. Sadry said weakly. She pointed the pistol firmly at the maniac's face.

 

A man she hadn't seen fired his own pistol from the doorway, shooting her multiple times in the chest. The last thing she heard as she bled out was the casual voice of the Epic: "Thank  you, Donald. I didn't see her there."

 

----

 

Lightwards raised the woman as well, looking appeased at the now vacantly staring Sadry couple. "Someone's going to notice if I keep doing this. I'm probably infringing on some other Epic's territory."

 

Donald the zombie nodded. Lightwards had told him to do so whenever he was speaking--it made a more convincing illusion that Donald was an attentive listener.

 

Casually, Lightwards shot the vulture, dealing a killing blow. He placed a hand back onto it, restoring it back to life. It seemed odd, killing in order to heal minor wounds, but he'd gotten used to it. Somehow, his miracle-working restored bodies to a peak health they hadn't been in when alive. He'd study how it happened, but one of his guiding philosophies was not to look gift horses in the mouth.

 

"Smell anything?" he asked the newly re-reanimated buzzard. It looked somehow even more dazed than it had been earlier, but it bobbed its head absently.

 

"Living people, then," Lightwards muttered. "Donald, I want you to check outside. If anyone approaches this house, or if you recognize an Epic, come back to me immediately."

 

 

A little darker than I'd originally intended... when he meets Funtimes, these segments are either going to lighten up or get really creepy.

 

EDIT: Added a touch more, it didn't copy and paste properly the first time. So there are a couple more lines at the end than when this was first posted a minute ago.

Edited July 27, 2014 by Kobold King

[Left]

Hey guys, I'm sorry Ive done such a bad job keeping up to snuff on this stuff. I think I'm going to have to Ice my character because I don't think I'll be able to be any more active for a looooong time. Maybe the Doctor could turn me into a teddy bear and put me into a store so that maybe I could come back in at some point.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles]

Sorry to hear that, Leftinch. You're welcome to come back at any point. 

 

They didn't run after the vulture so much as bound. Funtimes took Nathan's hand and ran on, giggling. Every few feet she teleported them ahead, spared a glance upward, and kept running. It was surprisingly easy to regain his balance and keep going as though they had never stopped. 

 

What sort of Epic kept a vulture for a pet, he wondered? It had to belong to some Epic or other. His knowledge of Oregon plants and animals was spotty, but he thought vultures belonged to the desert. Aside from that, the bird seemed too….deliberate. It didn't amble lazily through the sky, or sit on a telephone pole and watch for the dying. It had a path it struggled to follow through the rain. 

 

Mind control. 

 

The idea hit Nathan as his feet hit the ground after another one of Funtimes' leaps. Whoever owned the bird owned it body, mind, and soul, if a bird could have a soul. 

 

He felt sick. 

 

"Do you really think—" Another leap cut him off. "Do you really think whoever has a vulture is fun?" 

 

She giggled. "Dunno yet." 

 

And we're going to find out. She didn't say it, but he heard it anyway. If whoever they found wasn't fun, they would leave. And if they were….

 

The Traveller. That's who you are now. What does a traveller do, besides travel? 

 

The vulture led them to what had once been a suburb, circled once, and swooped in through a window. They were still some distance away, but Nathan thought he heard the crash of glass breaking. He winced, recalling the time he'd been pushed through a window. Cory and Will, a host and line cook, had spent half an hour plucking glass from his skin before a healing Epic decided she wanted him as her server for the evening. Whoever controlled the vulture did so with an iron grip, leaving no room for self-preservation. 

 

Strike that—what powers can I fake? 

 

"I'm still the Traveller, right?" he whispered. A gunshot tore through the air. 

 

She giggled and wrapped her arms around his shoulders, one foot on the ground, the other planted firmly in midair, toes pointed at the sky. Her eyes sparkled. "Doctor Awesomesauce." 

 

He felt a small stab of comfort, not enough to do away with the fear gnawing at him, but better than nothing. Funtimes would cover for him. For whatever strange reason she had found, she would protect him. "We're going inside, then?" 

 

Funtimes giggled again. Another shot rang out, and before he could blink, they stood on the sidewalk facing the vulture's house. 

[Theorymaker]

The guards had found Travis's camera after they had searched him, but then they had just thrown him in his jail cell. Travis had been expecting someone, maybe even Altermind himself, to question him about it, but instead they had just left alone. Travis didn't know what to think about that, but at least it meant that he would stay alive. But later, when Travis thought he had been totally forgotten, a guard came by his cell and told him that he was going to be interrogated. "Not again," Travis thought.

[Kobold King]

Donald the zombie turned to leave the house in his sullen, mindless way. Just as his hand clutched the doorknob, however, Lightwards stopped him with a whistle.

 

"What in Calamity's name...?" he muttered incredulously. The sidewalk in front of the house had been grey and empty, but it was suddenly inhabited by a pair of people and colors that made his eyes hurt.

 

"Probably an Epic, but definitely an epic fashion fail," Lightwards said with a smirk, facing his Warrior. He sighed as Donald returned a typically blank look. "I'll teach you how to laugh later. But regardless, we're about to meet a new Epic. I'll guide you through it."

 

He took his duffle bag from Mr. Sadry, who'd politely been holding it for him. He zipped it open and shuffled through its contents for a moment. It was mostly filled with spare ammo cartridges and cans of spam. Lightwards had found some very interesting uses for spam in his day, but now wasn't the time for that. Instead he pulled out a pair of hand-held radios, turning them both on and putting one in Donald's shirt pocket.

 

----

 

Nathan and Funtimes stood facing the house in silence for a moment before the front door swung open, revealing a young man in a utilitarian outfit. He began to slowly walk down the steps of the porch and towards the pair. As he drew nearer, Nathan noticed the odd way in which he carried himself--slowly but deliberately, with a facial expression that remained dull even in the face of Doctor Funtimes' outfit.

 

He'd made the conclusion that this was man was in the same unpleasant situation as the vulture from before when the man abruptly stopped a few paces in front of them. A bulge in his shirt pocket crackled for a moment, and a voice came over what seemed to be a walkie-talkie of some kind.

 

"Hello, Epics of Portland. I am called Lightwards. This is my assistant, Donald. Say hello, Donald."

 

The man said "Hello" in a voice that did not carry much conviction. Or any emotion or volition at all, for that matter.

 

"Welcome to the area hereby known as the Empire of Light," the radio-voice went on, sounding rather pleased with himself. "State your business."

 

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles]

Nathan glanced at Funtimes and saw his puzzled expression mirrored on hers. Her puzzlement soon became annoyance. She planted her hands on her hips and both feet on the sidewalk, giving one a little stomp. 

 

"How rude! We came here to see a face, and there's just a stupid radio!" 

 

"We're here for fun," Nathan said quickly. "That's our—" 

 

Funtimes pranced over to Donald, whose blank gaze Nathan had begun to avoid, and spoke directly into his shirt pocket. "I'm Doctor Funtimes. This is the Traveller. Come out and play!" 

 

The bulge in his pocket changed shape, but Donald didn't seem to notice. Nathan gingerly reached for what had been the radio—and plucked out a steaming hot sirloin steak. Encouraged by Funtimes' giggle, he took a bite. 

 

"Medium rare." He swallowed. "I like the spices on that one." 

[Kobold King]

Lightwards tried retorting to the petulant Epic's demands, but heard only static on the other end. Frowning, he peered out the window and saw the cocky Epic taking a bite out of the radio. Or... what seemed to be the radio. It looked much floppier than it had been.

 

He handed his duffle bag back to Mr. Sadry. He gestured for Mrs. Sadry stand guard by the door, and sent the vulture back out the window with a command to circle the block. With a resigned sigh, he adjusted his coat, made sure he had a pistol on his hip, and headed out the threshold onto the porch.

 

He walked cautiously off the porch and towards the sidewalk couple. Once there, he saw that Donald's shirt had been slightly stained by meat juices, and that the cocky male Epic was holding a bit of sirloin steak.

 

There was an obvious implication about his radio's fate, but he wasn't ready to believe it just yet. That would defy what little logic he still believed in. Instead he scowled at the rainbow-dressed woman.

 

"My name is Lightwards. I am the emperor of this land and the savior of civilization. I am the conqueror of death and the slayer of a thousand fools. What the Calamity did you do with my radio?"

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles]

Nathan hadn't eaten steak in….He counted back and was unable to recall the precise date. At least a year, he decided, probably longer. He would have preferred to savor the delicacy, but the thought of sharing it with a new Epic—or worse, handing it over—was almost unbearable. As the door opened, he took a few quick bites, polishing it off by the time they were joined by a sour-faced college professor. 

 

A sour faced college professor with a bullet hole in his shirt. 

 

He introduced himself as Lightwards and spoke at some length about being the savior of civilization and the slayer of a thousand fools. Nathan used the moment to wipe his fingers discreetly on his slacks. 

 

"What in Calamity did you do with my radio?" Lightwards demanded. 

 

Funtimes giggled. "You'll see it in an hour or so." 

 

"It was delicious, if that's any consolation," Nathan added. If she was flippant, he would be flippant. "Dry-rubbed with—nine spices, was it?" 

 

"Ten." 

 

"Yes. Ten spices. Good ones, too. She could fix you one, I'm sure, if you like that sort of thing." 

[Kobold King]

For one odd moment, Lightwards felt the urge to laugh. He bit his tongue, hoping the odd feeling didn't show on his face. His sense of humor had gotten progressively stranger since his last accident, and he wasn't yet sure he liked where it seemed to be heading.

 

He gave a pointed look at the two Epics as he tried to consider his options. They were obviously powerful people--nobody would treat an Epic so cavalierly unless they were either powerful Epics themselves or colossal idiots.

 

The name 'Doctor Funtimes' suddenly rang a bell in his head, and something else clicked into place.

 

"I've heard of an Epic by your name," he stated slowly, fixing the woman with a stare. "I am told you reside in a bouncy castle. I didn't believe it, but I'm beginning to think that's precisely the sort of idiocy I can expect from you."

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles]

A look of confusion crossed her face. "Bouncy...reside..." Confusion melted into laughter, long and loud. "We don't live there, silly! They're for playing and making Jeffrey mad."

"Everyone knows that," Nathan added. Lightwards' attention was given mostly to the Doctor, so he took the chance to study him. The bullet hole attested to a wound only powerful Epics could survive. Words like "Warriors of Light" flitted through his head.

And then it clicked.

Ignoring his healthy sense of fear and prudent urge to take off, Nathan tapped Donald's forehead coolly, smirking. "Your friend doesn't seem terribly aware. And you think she's the idiot?"

[Kobold King]

Lightwards scowled--he was no precog, but he could already tell he'd be using that expression increasingly often. He wondered what would happen if he simply called his Warriors forward and emptied a clip at Doctor Funtimes and the Traveller. Probably nothing--one of them, he guessed Funtimes, was capable of turning a radio into a cooked and organic slab of meat. He knew one of them was capable of teleportation, and it seemed logical enough to assume the one called Traveller was responsible for that ability. Name associations existed for a reason, after all.

 

With an effort he ceased scowling and tried to smile. "I'll admit, I'm new in town. I'm a touch ignorant about the way things are run around here. Say: the Sadry's were just having tea when I showed up. How about we head inside and have Donald pour us all a cup? You can tell me all about bouncy castles and other things I'm ignorant of."

[Mailliw73]

"Flashpoint, you come too," Altermind told his sidekick. He wanted to keep an eye on everyone. Altermind took Voidgaze on a mini-tour of HQ on the way to the interrogation room. He showed her the cafeteria, the guards' sleeping quarters and, from a distance, the prison. When they arrived in the interrogation room, the guards had already put the man in the room and chained him.

The guard watching the prisoner saw Altermind approach and came out the room. "He's pretty nervous, sir. The slontze won't say anything to us."

"Where's the camera you found?" Altermind asked the guard.

"Lieutenant Grane has it, sir."

"I want it here when I leave this room. And it better not have been opened. Understand?"

The guard gulped, "Yes sir."

"Good." Altermind opened the door and walked into the room, motioning for the other two Epics to follow. Flashpoint stayed against the back wall, as Altermind liked him to do. Altermind walked up to the man and snarled. "You lied to me twice. We found your hidden camera. Tell me what you do with it. Tell the truth too, or this nice lady will blow you up with a piece of paper. You might get a shock too. Tell me your name and what the Calamity you do, slontze."

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles]

I would rather eat bees. "I do like tea. What do you think, darling?" The word rested awkwardly on his tongue, but it sounded pleasant enough. Calling any Epic anything but 'sir,' 'ma'am,' or whatever other title they had adopted for themselves would take some getting used to. He took a step back from Donald, wondering what tea poured by a zombie would taste like. Sparks! What if that's how he turns them? 

 

Funtimes nodded, grinning. "Tea, tea, tea." 

 

"Tea would be wonderful," he told Lightwards. It was the biggest lie he could remember telling, but he told it with a smile. 

Edited July 28, 2014 by TwiLyghtSansSparkles

[Kobold King]

It was unlikely that the Sadry household had hosted such a company before--by Lightwards' count, their small dining room table was being shared by three Epics, three resurrected humans of questionable consciousness, and a dead vulture.

 

Donald was engaged in preparing the tea itself--apparently the Sadry couple had found it difficult supplying themselves with tea, and had only a few packets of mysterious age and freshness. He suspected Funtimes could conjure up much better drinks, but he thought it prudent not to give her excuses to flaunt her power. In his somewhat limited experience, all Epic confrontations that did not directly involve murdering one another were centered around showing off their powers in a sort of posturing match. Lightwards intended to do as much posturing as possible.

 

"How do you like your cups?" he asked politely. "Would you care for some cream or sugar?" The vulture had sniffed out a dead rat hidden behind a wall, which was now scampering about the table pushing a bowl of sugar in front of it. The vulture itself stood a silent vigil over the cream.

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles]

Nathan had often wondered what a kitchen full of zombies would be like. 

 

It wasn't an idle line of questioning, the way it had been before Calamity, when he and his brother pondered the best places to wait out the zombie apocalypse. In Newcago, it had been a very real possibility that an Epic would walk through the casino doors, shoot a server, and spend his evening being waited on by an undead slave. Nathan could never determine the best course of action in such a scenario, so he preferred to think on it as little as possible. 

 

He had always imagined zombies as reanimated corpses, succumbing to decay and bearing the marks of whatever had killed them. He had wondered how best to avoid wrinkling his nose at the stench, the etiquette for looking into their blank eyes, whether or not their drying blood would leave a stain he would have to clean out of the carpet. He had tried not to wonder whether or not he would know the zombie, because chances were the answer was yes. 

 

Lightwards' zombies were surprisingly clean. The couple who had owned the home, Mary and Thomas Sadry, had changed from the clothes they had died in. Their clothes were neat, if a bit worn. Donald too had changed his shirt, abandoning the stained pocket for one fresh from the dryer. Only their eyes gave it away. Only Thomas' lack of smiles, Donald's slow nods, the methodical way Mary cleared the table and put the kettle on, told the truth. 

 

A rat had been brought from the dead to manage the sugar bowl. The vulture that had led them to this bizarre little wake waited beside the cream. Waiting for orders from its master. 

 

Doctor Funtimes sipped her tea, made a face, and tapped the cup with a single finger. The translucent green liquid turned opaque brown. She held out her mug to the rat, which poured sugar into the cocoa. It became whipped cream almost instantly. 

 

As little as Nathan wanted to provoke another fight, he trusted the tea even less. He gave his mug a small nudge toward his fake girlfriend, who transformed it into real cocoa. Warming his hands around the mug, he cleared his throat. "You said you're new in town. Where are you from, originally?" 

 

Funtimes swallowed her cocoa and coughed as the drink burned her throat. "Have you heard from the Great Noodly One who shines in the sky like a million jars of pasta sauce?" 

 

Nathan blinked. Great Noodly One…shines in the sky…."You mean Calamity?" 

 

She nodded eagerly. "He touched the world with his noodly appendage." 

 

He laughed. He didn't know what else to do. "Well. That's a new one." 

Edited July 28, 2014 by TwiLyghtSansSparkles

[Edgedancer]

There were no more free chairs in the room. Was she expected to stand? Flashpoint did so and even Altermind himself. After giving it a bit of consideration,  she simply walked up next to Altermind and used her sleeves as a makeshift stool to sit down on. It´s his own fault if he doesn´t put the proper furniture into his in interrogation room. That and her waffles still weren´t there.

 

When Altermind intruduced her as a "nice lady," she winked at the prisoner, with a "yup, that´s me"-smile on her face. Shortly afterwards, the door opend again and a guard entered, with her waffles, finally. Visibly uncertain what to do, he put the two plates, one with waffles the other one with the cream, on the table but still outside the range of the prisoner and quickly leaved the room.

 

Voidgaze´s first impuls was to start eating them but she stopped herself. I´m doing a terrible job at being intimidating. "Want to see a trick? It doesn´t even have to be paper." Voidgaze said and swiped up a bit of the cream with a finger. Then she flicked it on the table surface, creating a small hole in it. After licking the rest of the cream from her finger she said. "Although, that would be a shame, this cream is pretty good." There, that should do the trick. She then started to eagerly munch on her waffles.

[Kobold King]

Ooh, nice details. I'm not very good at this yet.

 

 

Lightwards surveyed his guests intensely from across the table. While Funtimes was remarkably nonchalant about the situation, he suspected that the Traveller at least found his Warriors of Light disturbing. The way he kept examining them seemed to suggest that at the very least, he found them uncomfortable to be around; Funtimes, on the other hand, was far too preoccupied with transfiguring her tea into cocoa, a gesture she repeated for her boyfriend/partner/whatever.

 

At least I know she's the one with that power, Lightwards thought grumpily. Under normal circumstances, he'd of positioned his Warriors by all the exits and started closing in on the guests. He'd never performed his miracle on a dead Epic before, but he was certain it would be a useful thing to do. Unfortunately, he doubted he was in a strategically sound enough position to overwhelm or kill the teleporter and the conjurer of cocoa.

 

Instead, he'd just have to make the most of the conversation. The Traveller, looking at him, cleared his throat and said "You said you're new in town. Where are you from, originally?"

 

Lightwards smiled and started to answer before being cut off by the sound of Doctor Funtimes coughing.

 

"Have you heard from the Great Noodly One who shines in the sky like a million jars of pasta sauce?" she interrupted childishly. 

 

The Traveller, for once, did not take his partner's idiocy in stride. "You mean Calamity?" he asked, seeming confused.

 

The Doctor nodded her head passionately.  "He touched the world with his noodly appendage." 

 

Lightwards simply stared at Funtimes as Traveller laughed. "Well. That's a new one," the smug Epic said.

 

"I suppose I'll have to answer both of you," the professor stated slowly, still looking at the glittery woman with the mug of cocoa. "I am originally from the east coast, though I taught as a professor in Sacramento for a year before 'the Great Noodly One' appeared. That's when my entirely unique gift revealed itself to me."

 

He took a sip of tea, decided it was too weak, and put it back on the table with a sincere effort to appear nonplussed. "What of you two? You are both powerful Epics--almost as powerful as I am. With the ability to be anywhere you like, and make anything you like out of anything that is available, how is it that I hear of so many other Epics contesting your rule of this city?"

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles]

A mad scientist and evil professor all in one. Great. All the arrogance of a professor with none of the wisdom or foresight. "How is it that I hear of so many Epics contesting your rule of this city?"

How indeed? "We--" Nathan began, but Funtimes burst into laughter.

"Who said we want to rule it?"

Nathan smiled through his surprise, wishing they had been able to save fleeing Newcago for the third or fourth date. A few conversations about long-term goals would have done wonders for their relationship. "She's right." He sipped his cocoa. It tasted faintly of caramel. "We're here for fun. Ruling--that's for later. No need to rush things,"

[Kobold King]

Lightwards suppressed the thought of these two imbeciles rampaging across Portland, traversing city blocks in the blink of an eye and casually toying with the structural integrity of reality just for kicks and giggles. The mental image terrified him more than he'd like to let on.

 

Instead he looked at Traveller inquisitively. He seemed to the more rational side of the pair. It was a testament to Funtimes' remarkable power that he chose to associate with her rather than kill or abandon her to her tricks and amusements.

 

"Your powers are remarkable," Lightwards pressed. "Surely you realize that a responsibility comes with such gifts? Why, together you could be a force for sophisticated development over the entire planet. You could turn trucks into battleships, ships into spacecraft. You could bring most of this world under dominion, ruling in a utopia of your own design! If only you had a rational mind to supply the focus--" he gestured at himself--"then you could stand at the front of an empire. An empire of light and science and amusement."

[TwiLyghtSansSparkles]

Nathan forced himself to look smug throughout Lightwards' terrifying speech. It wasn't the madness that created the terror, though he was nothing if not mad. Nathan had served madmen. He knew how to handle madmen.

But the madman, in this case, was right.

Funtimes didn't need to stay with him. Might made right, and by all rights she should have watched him die. He was nothing to her, valuable only so long as she found him amusing.

Fortunately for him, her eyes glazed over at the word 'responsibility.'

When he finished, she stuck out her tongue in distaste. "Science isn't amusing, dummy. This is amusing!" With a snap of her fingers, Donald's work pants became a pink and orange kilt. A rhinestone Santa Claus smiled benevolently from his shirt.

Nathan gave his cockiest smile.

Donald looked nonplussed.

Edited July 28, 2014 by TwiLyghtSansSparkles